Posts
I wrote this on 3/28/13 but the internet wasn't working at my house. Yes, I turned the things off and on again and nothing happened.
Frustrations
It's been a long
week. Practice on Sunday was hard. Why? Well I spent the week before
at a conference and the night before on a bus from Milwaukee. Of the
little sleep I got, only about 2 hours was in an actual bed. On top
of that, it was my first practice in nearly a month. Then, during
practice, which was an awesome stride clinic, one of my trucks broke.
It figures that my first practice back, I was done after being there
for 30 minutes. Thankfully someone had a spare truck, the exact one I
needed in fact, and I was able to get back on my skates. After I
borrowed someone else's tool as mine was removed from my bag at some
point.
This has been my
life lately. Half-way thrown together with little things missing that
end up making a big difference. I'm frustrated that I'm not able to
practice or work-out as much as I want. I'm frustrated that my social
life has been non-existent as of late. I mean, I'm home by myself all
week with no husband or kids and what am I doing all week? Working
shows or rehearsals. Monday was my only “off” night and I hurt
from practice the day before (saying I hurt the day after a derby
practice is like posting on facebook that it's snowing in Minnesota
in the winter; it doesn't really need to be said or made a big deal
out of but a lot of people do it. I'm working on not being one of
those people). On top of that, the internet isn't working. I'm
actually writing this in a word editor with the hopes that I'll
eventually get to post it online.
All of this
frustration has led to a nasty feeling.
Failings
It's been a rough
month and a half for me. I made the grown up decision to send my cats
to live with my mom. I've been swamped with work which means no derby
practice for the most part and it also means little parkour classes
either. The gym manages to get a woman instructor for a women's
parkour class and when is it? Tuesday nights, which tends to be a
busy night at work for me. I feel like I'm failing at life. I'm not
able to keep up with friendships or projects or even myself. What I
really need is the world to stop and take 15 so I can get caught up
and not have more stuff pile up while I'm trying to catch up.
I'm missing people
who aren't part of my life anymore. I miss ex-boyfriends in an odd
way. There have been things that have happened lately that have
reminded me of a few of them and I've wanted to reach out to them but
I know better. That won't end well so I don't. I miss former friends.
People I should probably un-friend from facebook but haven't because
well...I don't know why. If I don't un-friend them, that means there
might still be a chance, right? Highly doubtful but at least I can
stay up-to-date and not feel awkward learning about things from a
mutual friend. And I miss my friends. Before I'd even met my husband,
I was often too busy to see people. Now that I'm married, it seems
even worse probably because instead of impulsively spending dinner
(and sometimes the night on the couch) with a friend, I go home to
dinner and falling asleep at home.
This all probably
stems from the same symptom.
Ferret Shock
Thanks to a
webcomic known as Sluggy Freelance, I was introduced to the idea of
Ferret Shock. If I ever want to change my derby name, I may in fact
change it to this now that I see it on “paper”. Ferret Shock is
what happens when Kiki, the ferret, is shown something extra shiny.
She gets so overwhelmed that she just sort of shuts down. I kind of
do the same thing except shiny has a much larger definition.
Imagine
taking me into a shop. Since I've been on a knitting kick lately,
let's imagine it's a yarn shop. It doesn't matter how much money I
spend because even if I have specific projects in mind, I
may never make everything that I want to.
This is true of everything. I own books that I will probably never
read. There are movies in this house that I may never watch, which
I'm actually okay with because really, who over the age of 9 wants to
watch a Barbie movie? I recently sold the complete DVD set of a TV
series that my husband had bought his ex-wife while they were still
married. Do you have any idea how many discs that was? A lot. She
hasn't had them for years but she still wanted them and may have
never even watched them. I'm just as guilty. I own TV series that I
haven't gotten around to watching all of the discs I own. Some shows
I've simply stopped watching “until I catch up” because I've
gotten annoyed with the direction the show has taken.
It seems lately
that I'm very aware of my mortality. Probably something to do with
Easter. Either way, I think about these things and go into a bit of
shock. I feel that I'm never going to accomplish anything because
there is always more stuff. Libraries can be horrible places for me
to go because sometimes I feel depressed that I'll never be able to
read all of the books.
So what does this
have to do with derby or parkour?
Everything.
It's easy to get
overwhelmed and feel as though I won't ever accomplish anything when
comparing myself. Even when I compare myself to myself, I can easily
be overwhelmed. Knowing where I was and seeing how little I've
improved because there hasn't not been the time is depressing and a
bit debilitating. Watching others who started with you or after you
advance because they have (or make) the time is just as bad. I could
get a “normal” job (meaning one that happens between 9 am and 5
pm Monday through Friday) or go back to school and have more time but
I would be even more miserable. I don't know.
I
remember fairly early on being told that I would never be athletic
enough to do roller derby. That scar is still there but it's healed
because I know how wrong that person was to say that. It doesn't
matter if I never make it onto a team. I know
how unrealistic it is with the career path I've picked but that
doesn't mean I can't try
and have fun in the journey. I wouldn't even be here if it was for
Betty introducing me to roller derby and giving me tickets to go
watch my first bout. No matter how far I get with derby or parkour, I
know that I owe it all to Betty and Rink. They encouraged me when I
thought I'd never get anywhere. They loaned me gear to get me started
and they've answered a million questions for me about everything.
Betty helped me discover that roller derby is about self-discovery. I
do know that if she didn't introduce me to this crazy world, I
wouldn't be sitting here right now in the life I'm in. I wouldn't do
parkour or be married. I don't think I'd even be knitting as much.
Those years of listening to derby talk and not understanding it and
finally getting it has been an important part of my path. I don't
worship roller derby. I'm not obsessed nor do I fan-girl over it
excessively. Perhaps it's my days working with famous performers that
makes these goddesses on wheels more human to me, but I find it easy
to interact with them and not go all goofy. Put me in the same room
with my favorite band of all time and that will probably not be true.
I don't need to know all the stats on all of the best players or all
those other details that so many others know. I'll never be able to
watch all of the derby bouts out there as there will always be more
being played. Derby leagues seem to be popping up like wild flowers
these days. I can barely make a bout due to my work schedule. There's
no way I have the time to sit down and watch all of it on the
internet.
And I'm okay with
that. I don't have to enjoy derby or anything in life the same way
that another person does. So long as I'm enjoying it and finding
balance, then things are okay.
