Discouraged

It's been quite a while since I've written here and I know exactly why. I'm discouraged. Extremely discouraged. I've been working harder this session than I have before. Every opportunity I have to do something to improve my body, I take, even if it's something simple as balancing on each leg during a show or being very aware of my core while moving stage weights. Yet, I'm still in the lower level group, even though when we work on skills passed on our own assessments, I'm at the higher end of the scale. What good does it do me to have people tell me how awesome I'm doing and how much I've improved when I'm still stuck where I am? I have seen physical improvements in my body. People, including myself, are amazed at how much weight I've lost and how much more agile I've become. I'm down several sizes in clothing and continue to shrink.

Why bother though?

Due to work, I've missed some practices lately. It's my job and I love my job. There are some events that are my events and I have to work them. Some events are everyone's burden, so we all have to be there. My boss has been all kinds of accommodating by trying to find other people to work certain shows.

The last practice I was at, I cried. A lot. I know some of it was pent of emotions from the week but the thing that really triggered it and sent it over the edge was realizing that because of work, a job that is my dream job, I had missed out on assessment, so I was still in the lower level group. As we split into groups, I felt a part of me crack and tears started to flow. There were people over there who started at the same time or after I did and who had less skills than me when they started. I'd even be willing to bet money that some of them don't have some of the skills I have, yet I'm still stuck behind. In theory, you're not suppose to compare yourself to others but we all do. So I'm watching these skaters and wondering what it is that they're doing that I'm not doing.

I've learned that I need to get different boots because the ones I'm skating in are jam boots, which means less than zero ankle support. It means that when I'm skating and pushing on the boot by leaning into something, there's nothing to push against and I end up falling. This information was never given to me and I was never advised to look at a different boot. I'll take a lot of blame for that because I didn't do enough research. I did try on a bunch of boots and the one I skate in now fits my narrow and long feet. They just don't have any ankle support. That means that the boot will slip off of my foot if I'm doing toe stop runs and then transitioning into skating. I've started doing intense, and often painful, lacing to try to keep the boot on my foot. How do I know that this is the problem? A rep from the other derby store in town, the one I didn't buy the boot at (their shop was located next to a tattoo parlor and I nearly passed out from the faint sound of tattooing the one time I went; I'm a wimp and I'm okay with that) came to one of our practices and looked at people's equipment. One glance and my boot and he told me that he never would have sold me that boot especially now that other companies are coming out with narrower fitting boots.

I'm also feeling disappointed. I'd hoped, based on comments made early in the session, that there would be an intermediate group. That has never happened so I'm in the beginner group where I struggle to challenge myself. To be fair, there's only been one practice that I've been at where we split into groups like this but it was very hard on me. Everyone there was either truly a beginner or coming back from an injury. I don't fall into either of those categories, leaving me to feel like I don't really have a place in the league right now. I either need to skate my arse off this summer and pick up a lot of awesomeness (and new boots) or I need to take so much time off that my skills go back to beginner so I can re-learn things. I don't want to do the second one and the first one probably isn't realistic. So what do I do?

I don't know. And that's discouraging.