Giving up or giving in?

Today, I made a decision. It's one that I've been thinking about for a while and it isn't one that comes easily.

I'm not doing Debs this year.

I'm not doing derby.

I don't know when or if I'll join again.

My life has become way too hectic. I ended up chatting with the new manager of the recreation league. I cried the entire time. In fact, I'm still crying, so I'm going to copy and paste the highlights of the conversation so that I don't have to completely relive it all over again and so that maybe it's coherent.

Me: I'm just...I don't know. In a funk. I've not had a chance to go skating since our last practice. I don't want to go skating. I sort of just want to hang out in a room with people who are doing their own thing and not talking. I'm worried that I'll be back down to pink because I've not worked on anything, that I'll never scrimmage because I can't make more than about half the practices. I wonder if I'm taking up someone's spot who would excel. I don't feel like I'm going to get better or if derby is really my thing. I like it when I'm there but I don't feel like I'm getting any better.

Her: The truth is, the only way you will get better is with consistent practice. That is true for everyone, not just you. If you can't commit to practicing once a week, I say defer from Debs and skate when you can on your own. You can find community in lots of places. You can still see people you love from Debs, you'll just have to be mindful about setting up times instead of counting on seeing them regularly on Sundays. You can find interesting, challenging workouts in lots of places, too. Plus, a workout once a week isn't going to help get you in shape or maintain fitness, so you have to decide what kind of time you can commit to that as well. What makes Debs click is a collective love of derby. If you don't have that, it's perfectly ok to bow out! It doesn't mean you have to stop skating - quite the opposite, because you can skate when and where it works with your schedule.

Me: I worry that I'd be quitting when I shouldn't. I worry my husband will be upset that he bought me new skates for my birthday last year and I've given up a year later.

Her: Don't look at it as giving up. You can always come back to derby if you want. At the very least, you have a lifetime sport which is super fucking fun. Go to a rink and just have fun skating. Those skates won't go to waste one little bit. Things are cyclical. Friendships, passions, interests. Same for everyone.

Me:

And the last year, I felt that even when I was at Debs, I wasn't connected with Debs. And I know a lot of that was my work schedule bollocking things up. And it's frustrating not being able to be there every week because I know I'm not getting better so I really feel like I don't have a spot I fit in because of that. Pink isn't right for me but neither is purple. And I've been debating this since about April. I already know that there will be 3 weeks straight in November that I can't make because of work. And that's a huge set back. But I enjoy the skating and the work outs. I love when I've had a chance to skate as a pack. I just also know that I don't live and breath derby. I enjoy it but it's not all that I think about or do. I feel like a jerk for staying but a jerk for leaving. 

Her: Oh, God, no one can or should do everything. My motto: pick a couple of things to do that you love and do them well.

 

Me: I know that in the past others have suggested I try Sats or that I should try to recapture my excitement because I'd regret it if I left.

 

Her: Instead, feel grateful that you found this uniquely rewarding sport and community that has left an indelible imprint on you.

 

Me: And part of me thinks I should just bugger on through this session since I've already got the insurance. But it's not something I've been excited about.

 

Her: No regrets.

 

Me: And I think I'd regret staying in right now.

 

Her: Well, there you go, then. This is supposed to be fun, dammit, not cause you additional stress.  

 

There are things missing that aren't as important. I've thought about staying so to not disappoint others but I don't want to be there. I'm loving parkour and everything else I'm doing. Skating has become a chore that I dread doing. It's not fun right now. I know that things aren't always fun when you work through them but I don't have a reason right now to go for myself. I have plenty of reasons to go for others but none for me. At the end of the day, that probably means I should step back for a while.

 

Am I going to miss it? I've already been missing it. My life just doesn't allow it. I can't even remember the last time I saw a bout. I know rules have changed but I don't know any of the details. I feel as lost as I did the first time I saw a bout.

 

Do I expect some of the people I've met through derby to forget about me? Yep. I've seen it happen to others and in some ways it has already started to happen to me. In a lot of ways, derby is a social/visual sport. If people don't see you, they tend to forget about you. Derby takes up so much time that if you aren't there devoting all your time with them, people in derby don't really have time for you.

 

Her words and advice reminded me of something I don't like to think about and that is that we have seasons in our lives. This is no longer my derby season. I need to respect that and live in it. I can always come back to derby.

 

There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What do people really get for all their hard work? I have thought about this in connection with the various kinds of work God has given people to do. God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to enjoy themselves as long as they can. Ecclesiastes 3:1-12

 

Or how I first learned these verses:

 

  

Stuck

Disclaimer: I'm angsty but not quitting.

I've not posted for a while and with good reason. I've not been to practice since the end of October. It's not as though I've been skipping because I didn't want to go. I would have much rather have gone to practice than some of the things that I've had to do instead.

I feel stuck and not just with derby.

I use to actively read all the theatre trade magazines out there and was on top of all the new technology. I knew when new books by my favorite authors were coming out. I knew when bouts were happening. Now...not so much. Frankly, I'm not a good fangirl of anything. The only reason I know when my favorite band of all time is releasing a new album or going on tour is because I get emails from them. I don't do forums. Most of the news I get is through MPR or facebook. I learn about new movies or derby stuff from friends who have already known for months. I don't know the new derby rules. I don't spend hours online watching derby, sitting on forums and sucking up information about it. I don't do that with anything though.

This fall has kind of sucked in some ways. Being married is awesome. Work has been busy but there's been a lot of awesome things happening. But there has been a lot of suck. I've not made a single derby bout. I've made the 2nd half of the 2nd match of the first bout in September. Since then? Work has had some event that I've had to be at so no derby. And it's not just the not watching that I'm missing. Last season, I was able to volunteer a lot. I did the black eye booth and derby 101 and derby questions. This season so far? Nothing.

This is a new kind of frustration.

A lot of it has to do with priorities. They've certainly changed but then again, only in some ways. I see friends who have devoted their entire lives to derby, which is fine for them. But for me, I see idol worship. I don't want that and I know that that is what would happen to me if I did try to do it. On the other hand, the only way to get better is to be completely devoted to something. My Gramps use to talk about wishing that he could ski like Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly could dance but he always pointed out that all they would do is dance. That was their lives, so of course they were good at it. I've got too much. Family and work. Church and friends. Other activities (knitting, gaming, etc.) that take up time.

Last night I started to think about how I could make derby work or at least get more out of derby and give more to derby. The only answer I see right now is to find a different job. Unfortunately, I really like my job even when it throws curve balls and adds events at the last minute that mean I can't make the last derby practice of the session. And even if where I worked wasn't working out, I love the field I'm in, theatre. It's hard to have a theatre job in production that doesn't involve nights and weekends. I don't know how to balance work and derby. I don't think I could handle a 9-to-5-at-a-desk job. I would be miserable but I could do more with derby but doing more with derby wouldn't necessarily make me happier.

So what do I do?

I'm not sure. Sign up for the next session and hope I can make more practices. Go to the bouts, assuming there's nothing work related that would prevent me. Try to find balance somehow. I miss it. My body misses it. And I miss my friends.

Why Do I Skate?

It's been a rough time for me lately. Mostly emotionally but sometimes that's harder. A sore muscle I can stretch. A cold I can treat with rest and liquids. But emotional pain? Much harder to process. Add into the fact that it isn't just coming from one source right now, but several. My life is definitely in a much different place than I would have imagined it would be a year ago.

I've not been improving. More accurately, I don't feel like I'm improving because work has taken priority over skating. It's the side-effect of working in theatre, which I absolutely love. I've written about it before. I'm extremely lucky to be doing what I love and getting paid enough to do more than make ends meet. I also wouldn't really do well in a corporate environment.

So because of this feeling of frustration and disappointment, I'm re-evaluating why I skate.

THE REASONS I COULD BUT DON'T USE


Roller derby has been gaining popularity faster than a semi-truck with burned out brakes down a mountain pass. Everyone wants to do it. Or at least everyone wants to be "cool" enough to do roller derby. I'm not doing roller derby to be cool or because it's popular. Usually when something is popular, I steer far away from it, usually because it won't hold interest for me.

I don't skate to be cool or because it's popular.


Two years ago this coming fall, I was told that I might not ever be athletic enough and was too old for roller derby. Revenge can be a great motivator. And trying to prove someone else wrong is just as powerful. Except it leaves a bitter taste because the other person really doesn't care. Trust me, I've done it before.

I don't skate to prove to anyone that I can.


For whatever reason, the derby world and the Ren. faire world here in Minnesota has a lot of cross-over. It would make sense to do derby because "everyone else" is doing it. This is related to the idea of doing it because it's popular. Plenty of my friends also have tattoos but that doesn't mean I'm ever going to get one just because everyone else is doing it. I've been hearing about derby years before That Movie came out, so I've known about it for a while. Anyone in this group could have easily tried to convince me to skate because they can do it.

I don't skate because everyone else does it.


When you mention roller derby to most people, they immediately imagine girls in fish nets and hot pants beating the stuffing out of each other. There have been women who have mentioned that they wish they could play so they could use their aggression and beat people up. What people who are only casually into the sport don't realize is that it's no longer a blood bath. Yes, players hit each other but then football players tackle each other. The teams and players that are really good use hits in a smart way not out of pure aggression.

I don't skate because I'm angry and want an excuse to hit people.


Some people start exercising or a sport to lose weight. According to the BMI (which is a load of bollocks as far as I'm concerned), I'm obese. Yet if you were to look at me, you couldn't think so. Yes, there are some squishy bits but most of those are good (really, I'm not smuggling melons). Most of my frame is made up of muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. The really cool thing is that I have been loosing weight. It's a nice little perk but it's not the reason why I skate.

I don't skate so I can weigh less.


SO WHY DO I SKATE?


To those who can skate with ease and those who have never tried, let it be known that skating can be -ing hard. The first time I put on skates and tried skating, I fell at least 20 times. My skates with crappy ABEC 1 bearings and outdoor wheels spun too much for me that I couldn't stand up on carpet. Rental skates were something I could barely handle. It was one of the hardest 30 minutes in my life.

After that one time, I could have easily given up. No one would have blamed me. In a lot of way, I was along for the ride. My friend came along with a group of us to watch derby and she decided we needed to do it. At that time, I knew it wasn't something I could do. I had no faith in myself. In fact, nearly a year earlier I commented on a facebook post saying "I've actually never roller skated before...but I am a little intrigued...I'm just not sure I have the personality for it."

Yeah, I'll give you a moment to stop laughing at that one.

It's how I felt though. I was given gear and was terrified to go skating on my own. While I admired the women on the track, I was sure that I could never be one. I've spent my whole life avoiding sports and having my clumsiness reinforced. Skating is basically gliding along and when I hit a patch of ice, I would fall spectacularly. I could trip on flat surfaces. So the idea of putting me on skates was extremely terrifying. But I did it because I had a friend extremely enthusiastic who believed in me far more than I did.

Unlike many things in my life, skating is the first that I approached without previous knowledge. I'd never skated before and, as far as I know, no one in my family has either. For the first time, I understood why playing the same blasted scale over and over on my flute was important. It took nearly two decades but skating was where I finally applied the lessons of practicing music. No one expected me to be perfect and they encouraged me. Perfect strangers at the skating rink would offer advice and never in a condescending way. They truly were excited to see someone learning how to skate.

It would have been so easy to give up but I didn't. I had no illusions about the odds of playing derby right away. There is so much to learn and I was simply trying to figure out how to stop without having to crash into something and to stand up without rolling away. It became fun. Shortly thereafter, it hurt to skate. Not physically (I mean, yes it was uncomfortable as I was using muscles I usually don't but that's not the focus right now), but emotionally. Being told I would probably never be good enough completely deflated me. I didn't want anything to do with derby so I didn't. It took over a month to get me to simply go skating again. It took being sleep-deprived and having my friend offer to turn in my paperwork (I was working a show) to get me to agree to join the Debs. I was so guarded for the first session that I didn't really get to know the other skaters until the very end of it. I didn't want to be told that I couldn't do it because I wasn't good enough. Debs is a recreational league so there should be a place for me, right? It took having my faith restored in my abilities (and some crying; there was definitely crying) for me to be able to open up.

But I don't think I've ever actually answered why I skate to anyone, not even myself. Which is why it's taken me over a week to write this entry. It's been hard to figure out why exactly I skate. I've also realized that it's not true that I've gotten nothing out of the practices I've made. I've just not gotten to where I want to be, which is often how life seems to work.

I skate because I love the feel of being an athlete. I love the speed of going around a track and the exhilaration of a sudden stop.

I skate because it allows me to meet some of the most amazing people I've ever met. They inspire me to push harder.

I skate because it's who I am. It was a hidden part of me that needed to be found and shown where it belonged. That piece of me belongs on skates.

I skate derby because I can leave everything off the track and for that short time, I am who I am with no one able to tell me otherwise.

I skate derby because I can show the world who I am, a strong, confident and loving woman, simply by going around a track.

I skate derby because the bond I've formed with my team mates is as strong as blood relations.

I skate derby with the team I do because the showed me that I am athletic enough and that I can do anything if I want to do it. I skate with them because I don't have to prove myself to anyone.

Discouraged

It's been quite a while since I've written here and I know exactly why. I'm discouraged. Extremely discouraged. I've been working harder this session than I have before. Every opportunity I have to do something to improve my body, I take, even if it's something simple as balancing on each leg during a show or being very aware of my core while moving stage weights. Yet, I'm still in the lower level group, even though when we work on skills passed on our own assessments, I'm at the higher end of the scale. What good does it do me to have people tell me how awesome I'm doing and how much I've improved when I'm still stuck where I am? I have seen physical improvements in my body. People, including myself, are amazed at how much weight I've lost and how much more agile I've become. I'm down several sizes in clothing and continue to shrink.

Why bother though?

Due to work, I've missed some practices lately. It's my job and I love my job. There are some events that are my events and I have to work them. Some events are everyone's burden, so we all have to be there. My boss has been all kinds of accommodating by trying to find other people to work certain shows.

The last practice I was at, I cried. A lot. I know some of it was pent of emotions from the week but the thing that really triggered it and sent it over the edge was realizing that because of work, a job that is my dream job, I had missed out on assessment, so I was still in the lower level group. As we split into groups, I felt a part of me crack and tears started to flow. There were people over there who started at the same time or after I did and who had less skills than me when they started. I'd even be willing to bet money that some of them don't have some of the skills I have, yet I'm still stuck behind. In theory, you're not suppose to compare yourself to others but we all do. So I'm watching these skaters and wondering what it is that they're doing that I'm not doing.

I've learned that I need to get different boots because the ones I'm skating in are jam boots, which means less than zero ankle support. It means that when I'm skating and pushing on the boot by leaning into something, there's nothing to push against and I end up falling. This information was never given to me and I was never advised to look at a different boot. I'll take a lot of blame for that because I didn't do enough research. I did try on a bunch of boots and the one I skate in now fits my narrow and long feet. They just don't have any ankle support. That means that the boot will slip off of my foot if I'm doing toe stop runs and then transitioning into skating. I've started doing intense, and often painful, lacing to try to keep the boot on my foot. How do I know that this is the problem? A rep from the other derby store in town, the one I didn't buy the boot at (their shop was located next to a tattoo parlor and I nearly passed out from the faint sound of tattooing the one time I went; I'm a wimp and I'm okay with that) came to one of our practices and looked at people's equipment. One glance and my boot and he told me that he never would have sold me that boot especially now that other companies are coming out with narrower fitting boots.

I'm also feeling disappointed. I'd hoped, based on comments made early in the session, that there would be an intermediate group. That has never happened so I'm in the beginner group where I struggle to challenge myself. To be fair, there's only been one practice that I've been at where we split into groups like this but it was very hard on me. Everyone there was either truly a beginner or coming back from an injury. I don't fall into either of those categories, leaving me to feel like I don't really have a place in the league right now. I either need to skate my arse off this summer and pick up a lot of awesomeness (and new boots) or I need to take so much time off that my skills go back to beginner so I can re-learn things. I don't want to do the second one and the first one probably isn't realistic. So what do I do?

I don't know. And that's discouraging.

It's become my story now

First, before going into the meaning of the title of this post or writing about the awesomeness of yesterday, I most post this photo.

This picture was taken by my Sweetie before Derby 101 as the first All-Star game of the Minnesota Roller-girls of this season. That's me. On the jammer line. We stage the demo so we know what to describe to the audience. I think it was mostly a sense of confidence and maybe even a little bit of nerves that got me to volunteer to be the lead jammer. This in part was because my Sweetie was sitting on the jammer line track-side. Not that I need to impress him or anyone but I thought it would be kind of spiffy to get to be lead jammer. I managed to skate all of the Derby 101 demos at the TC Terrors bouts but this was my first time doing it for MNRG. Over the course of the TC Terrors season, I managed to skate every position, though I didn't play lead jammer. As this will be the last time this season I can do Derby 101, I wanted to be able to say that I skated all of the positions. 

When we were practicing on the back track, I slipped on my cross-over and fell. The other jammer also fell so that she didn't get ahead of me. This was scripted after all. I jokingly said that hopefully that got the falling out of my system and that it wouldn't happen in front of people. She assured me that if I did fall, she'd just fall again. 

After what felt like an eternity backstage (even derby has periods of "hurry up and wait"), we got to go out. As we skated into position, I heard someone shout "GO FERRET" though I never figured out who it was but I'm pretty sure I smiled on hearing it. Confession: I have extreme stage fright. But Ferret, you're surely thinking, you wearing bosom-enhancing outfits and write on your cleavage out at the Ren Fest and have no problems! Yeah, but I'm hawking among of a sea of people. I don't have stage lights on me or an audience cheering. I'm competing to be heard over the crowds. I work in theatre and there have been times in which I've had to go onto stage when there's been an audience and I can be seen. In my world, that means something has gone wrong or I've screwed something up. Thankfully it's usually been that something has gone wrong and needs to be fixed but I still come off the stage shaking. Sometimes, during set changes with orchestras, I'm out on stage in full light but then there's a lot of movement. It isn't just me. 

If you look at this picture, you'll notice that I'm only on one toe stop. That's because I was shaking so badly that I didn't trust myself on both toe stops. 

We started our mini-jam, whistles were blown and we took off. I made it through the pack easily and started to take my scoring lap. Then I fell. At the EXACT same corner that I'd fallen during our practice run. Talking with friends after, they thought it was staged. Talking with one of my coaches and my dear friend who got me involved in derby (she'd never watched 101 before; I think she watched because I was skating), they both said it looked like we'd done it on purpose. It actually happened because I'd ended up over-tightening my trucks. They'd been too loose lately so I cranked down on them and it was the first time I'd been skating on a derby track since I'd done that. I didn't want to mess with anything after we'd done our run through and didn't truly realize it until after the fact (I had suspicions). Several things made me excited to hear people thing that it was staged. One, it means my falling has gotten much more controlled. Two, I'm getting up faster and smoother than before. Third, I didn't even think about the fact that I fell but that I needed to keep moving. 

This awesome night led to an even more awesome day.

Yesterday was our first time on skates this session. They opened up the Roy an hour early so that new girls could have a chance to skate on the floor before skills assessments. I got there early to tweak two things: my trucks and how I was lacing my skates. There were 3 things that I needed to be able to do to be happy with my set-up: cross-overs, t-stops and snowplows. It took nearly the entire time but I did manage to get everything perfect*. After a quick Q&A about the bout the previous night, we started skill assessments. 

We were told to place ourselves in the group we felt most comfortable in realizing that it didn't mean that was where we could get placed. I decided to place myself in the blue (intermediate) group. Testing wasn't nearly as intense as I expected though my boot didn't fall apart this time. There was a lot that I was happy with how I did. My t-stops and snowplows have improved so much and I nearly got 25 laps in 5 minutes. We 7 other skaters on the track, it was hard to get my diamond grove on. Also, after falling a few times, I definitely started to tense up. I heard a shout from the center of the track to relax. When we were finished with the 5 minutes (I seriously got 24.5 laps; if I'd relaxed more and not fallen, I'd have made at least 25; of course, the last time I was timed and fell less than I did yesterday, I had 22 laps so I'm not too upset), Tiki told me that after falling, I tensed up. Hearing her shout at me got me to relax but not completely. Additionally, I was able to fall, not flail and got back up without having to use my arms or hands. This, while not exactly a first, has been a very, very long struggle for me. I've not struggled with allowing myself to fall but I have struggled with having the muscles to get back up while still sliding.

The entire time, I was trying to stay realistic. I wanted to move up badly but I know that there are skills I just don't have yet. Lately I've been struggling with being gentle with myself and how far I have come. It's hard to not compare yourself to others as you skate with others. That's been my struggle lately.

The testing got cut short so that we'd have time to do dryland. I can tell how the amount of dryland we've been doing has been helping me. In my enthusiasm to help move some chairs, I managed to cut myself on my water bottle. Yes, I am that special at times. This meant that I missed the explanation of what we were doing which was probably a good thing and I didn't end up bleeding on everything. We started with a relay race, sprinting from one end to two "mid"-points and back and then to the end and back. I was the last one in my line and when it came to the last push, I pushed hard. My legs began to give me the middle finger.

As a reward for our awesomeness, we got to do some plyometric work. We started with frog jumps, which I hate because of how much they hurt. I know that they are awesome because of what they do to my legs but every time I've done them, I've wanted to cry by the end of it. We jump up from a deep squat, slowly moving forwards. It's more about the springing up than it is about moving forward. Still in our relay groups, we were to start when the person in front of us got in line with the jammer line. As I started, I knew that this was going to be a really hard thing for me to do. I could get low with no problem and my landings were good but it hurt to spring back up. I think I was about halfway when Bacon, a former Deb, got down next to me and counted to three. We started doing them together. She kept talking, reminding me to keep my head up. At one point, Tiki came over to check on my breathing, which was actually fine. It was my legs that were giving me the trouble. I'd land and my legs would want to give up on me. It was a fight to keep them under me and to keep going. Bacon at one point asked if I could do three more. I looked at her saying that I could do more than 3 but that it was going to take a while. I know towards the end I closed my eyes because my legs hurt so much. It kind of helped to block out the pain, sort of. What really helped was hearing my fellow skaters start to cheer every time I launched myself up into the air. At some point, probably the last 4 or 5 jumps, I noticed that they all came out with me and started jumping when I jumped. As I struggled to keep my legs under me, they cheered me on. I wanted to give up. It would have been so much easier to give up and not try but something deeper in me demanded to keep going.

It would be unfair to say that I did this on my own. As things were starting to get harder, I started to pray. Not simply saying "Oh God, I can't do this, this sucks, etc." but praying in earnest for help. I recognized that I couldn't do this by myself. This was demanding more of my body than I usually do but since God gave me my body, surely He would help me if I accepted that He was in control. He definitely gave me strength to go on but He gave me something else much more tangible. He gave me this amazing group of women who believe in me and my strengths and abilities. He gave me coaches who push me past my point of comfort but not to the point of hurting myself. These women helped me to accept that I really am an athlete, especially after having been told that I'd never be athletic enough. They had faith in me before I was able to and they help me find that.

Of course, we weren't done with practice yet. We still had some line jumping and sets of 5. The sets of 5 weren't push-ups but more plymetrics. We did sets of 5 of 4 different jumping exercises and we did them in a cycle, leading each other and working together as a team. I was able to remember the cycle and was vocal at announcing each step, even though it hurt to move. At one point, I even led the squats jumps. If Tiki hadn't stopped us, I probably would have kept going. Of course, they would have needed a spatula to scrap me off the floor.

We didn't get to hear where we're placed yet. I was the last Deb not in the clinic to leave as moving my fastest was still amazingly slow. I wanted to find out where I was placed as I won't be there next week because of work. Before I could open my mouth, I looked at Hanna and she said "Intermediate." I asked what that meant. There are enough of us who aren't quite ready for blue but need to be pushed and worked harder than we would in the pink group, so they are making a new intermediate (I named it purple, though it would probably be more of a lavender) group for those of us in that category. Hanna got hugged and asked if I was crying. I was pretty darn close except I hurt so much.

Two weeks ago, I was convinced that I would never leave the pink group. Now, I just need to not try so hard to prove myself to Tiki. She would come over to watch us skate during the assessment and I would start screwing up because I wanted to prove to her that I can do all of this. Hanna left me with great words last night. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. They all know that I'm doing the work and that I'm capable of doing it. I just need to relax. Now to learn how to stay relaxed in front of my coach so I can move up to being contact ready.

When I got to my car, I emailed the list to thank all of them for their encouragement and what it meant to me. It was humbling to get responses telling me how much I inspire them to work harder. One of the last texts I got around to sending that night was to Betty. She and her husband, Rink, started my introduction to derby. He hired me to work their booth at festival and she gave me tickets to my first bout. I sent her a message to thank her for encouragement and for getting me involved in derby. The talk that Drunk Betty gave me in June hit home and made sense yesterday. Here's what she wrote back to me, which did get me to cry (in fact, I'm about to cry now): "Hey honey. This is your derby story now. I saw the girls cheering you on and you pushing yourself. These are all things that make a huge difference in your derby life and your real life. I am so fucking proud of you." So that's what I mean by saying that it's my story now. I've become invested in roller derby, in my own life and in the lives of those I skate with. I've spent months feeling embarrassed and left out and unworthy. I've been saddened for no longer skating with the person I started this adventure on (she also got a thank you text; she got my butt on skates to begin with and then back on skates and into Debs when I was most discouraged) and I've been to the point of giving up. Instead of letting someone else write my story and giving them the pen, I've taken over and am writing it on my own now. Yesterday was amazingly pivotal and I feel as though something has changed within me. I may just try defying gravity.

*It's never perfect. Skating causes changes in tension and how my feet feel but there comes a point where I have to stop fussing otherwise I'll end up not skating.

Hope

Sometimes, I get motivation and hope from the strangest places. Today was one of those days.

It shouldn't be too surprising that to be able to participate in practice, one has to sit through a talk of the rules. Even if you've been doing it for a while, it's a new session and sometimes rules change. Rule number one will never change. Don't be a Douche Bag. However, it seems that there is a need to remind people that they are adults and need to take care of themselves. This also doesn't surprise me.

What did end up surprising me was how I started to feel. Not realizing that there was going to be a meeting before practice for those of us who couldn't make the first practice (I wasn't the only one), I didn't think to check my email until just before 3pm. I knew that practice had been moved to a 4pm start and as such, I'd have plenty of time to get to practice and find parking. Turns out that the meeting was going to happen at 3pm. I quickly threw myself together, remembering my tennis shoes and paperwork, and flew out the door. While I love being on skates, I'm happy today was a day of dry land. It meant one less thing for me to haul. I got there feeling ashamed and embarrassed for being late. I was an disappointment to myself. Add on top of this, the overwhelming sense of discouragement and I wasn't really looking forward to practice. Being so late (about 15 minutes) almost had me convinced to just turn around as I wouldn't be able to practice without sitting through the talk. I'm glad I ignored my brain.

The coach who held the talk let us know why we're doing so much dry land. It's to strengthen our bodies. No one (or at least almost no one) does squats or push-ups for fun. I'm sure if I thought about it long enough, I could find an exception to that statement. It's something I wish I had learned when I was still active musically. You must always practice the fundamentals as everything else is based on it. If you can't do a complicated scale pattern, you aren't going to be able to do a complicated phrase of music. The same holds true for derby, and I imagine, for life in general. If my ankles aren't strong enough off skates, how can I expect them to be in skates? It may take a while, but if I continue to work on it, then I will get there.
For me, it's not about the wearing of a cute outfit and skating in front of a crowd. Frankly, skating in front of a crowd kind of scares me. All those people screaming and cheering? I've heard that you sort of tune it out and focus on the game, which I hope is true. Instead, it's about getting better and seeing growth in myself. I've seen it in my arms and my legs. My core has gotten so much stronger that it makes me giddy. I can do things now that I couldn't a year ago. Ankles, on the other hand, are a lot harder to see improvement in. I still feel unstable when balancing during dry land. Granted, this is after we've been doing a lot of stuff but I know it's my ankle stability. It takes time to build up those muscles. It wasn't so hard with everything else because I use it daily at work. Learning how to engage my core actually made some things at work a lot easier. I wish I'd understood how to do it much sooner!
So instead of hearing about how this is to prevent injury (I did indeed hear that part, but I already get that), what I heard the loudest was that I need to keep working and to stop being so hard on myself. I love the amount of encouragement I receive from the other women I skate with and I hope they get that I encourage them just as much. Today, I was unable to shout my encouragements (though I did make a comment about one minute being a half a jam as a way to motivate myself) but I was certainly smiling and giving thumbs up and whatever else I could to encourage. After one of the jumping drills, my legs completely gave out and one of the women actually came over to help me stand back up. I honestly couldn't tell you who it was because I was in so much pain but I was very grateful for the help. So much of the pain is my mind trying to convince me to give up because I'm uncomfortable. The rest of the pain is my ripping my muscles apart to make them stronger.
It's easy to see someone "not trying hard enough" and wonder why they're still doing derby. It's harder to get to know them to learn about their struggles as to why it looks like they aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, I think we all give in to the voice telling us to not push as hard because that's easier. Yet it's important to know when the voice is telling us to slow down because our body is actually in pain. I had to remember that today during one of the drills. We were hopping up stairs (yes, you read that correctly; try it sometime. It's not as easy as you would think) and I had one last set to finish. My heart rate had been elevated during the drill and I was taking the time to get it back down to a point where I didn't feel as though I might pass out. I got halfway through the last set and had to stop but wanted to keep pushing. As another skater came down the steps, she told me to listen to my body. Two skaters, both league skaters I believe, stopped and got onto the same step with me. They reminded me to breathe deeply and to keep pushing but do it at the pace my body to handle. As we slowly made it up the stairs (and at the start, I was really wanting to figuratively kick myself for not being able to do faster), I started to hear the other women cheering us on. I don't know if the the two skaters who joined me had finished or not. I think they had and that they decided to join me so that I wouldn't finish the drill on my own. I felt so happy to make it to the top that I wanted to cry. I gave up control that inner, doubting voice has sometimes and let my body do what it does best. I trusted myself because they trusted and believed in me.
Before practice started and we were done with our paperwork, I went to go say hello to people and chat with them. It was amazing how many commented on how awesome I was looking. Between eating a lot better (good-bye fast food! good-bye cheap crap!), I've also started to challenge myself more physically. I take stairs two at a time. If there's an opportunity to jump something, I take it. I'll stand around chatting with co-workers and balance on one foot. All of these little things are starting to add up to more inches melting away from my body. Something that really amazed me was getting complimented on my wall-sit from Thursday. I managed to do a wall-sit for 3 minutes and 35 seconds. The only "break" I took was when my feet started to slip out from under me. My quads hated me afterwards but I was amazingly proud of myself. In truth, my quads still hate me, especially after today's practice. One of my friends commented on how she was a wimp compared to me and that I was awesome. This friend is now a group level higher than me and can do things on skates that I can't do yet. Her comment of being awesome because of how hard I pushed myself started to turn the switch on my attitude. That change in my attitude let me have a great practice.
All of these little things gave me hope today. I'm still a bit discouraged because I have hit a plateau. My sweetie has suggested I start doing some cross-training in yoga. I think that's probably a good idea. I've also thought it might not be too bad to go do some bouldering or maybe even pick up a little parkour. It will still work similar muscles but maybe working them in a different way will help them and it'll help me get through this wall I'm stuck behind.

A High Followed by an Immediate Low

It's funny how motivation works sometimes. Earlier today I was working on a blog post. My sweetie, having never seen my creative process before, thought I was dawdling and being distracted. The problem is that in order to focus and write, I have to get the excess energy out of my system. Sometimes I'll have everything I want to say in my head and all I have to do is sit in front of a computer and type. Usually this happens when I have absolutely nothing to even jot an idea down on let alone have the entire thing flow out. So it gets shuffled into a mental box and I get to it eventually. Unfortunately, quite a few other shiny things wander through my mind in the time between when I'm inspired and when I'm actually able to write. Too often I sit staring at the blank screen, waiting for my brilliance to come back. So I poke around on the internet, retracing things I've done in hopes that I'll stumble onto the right word or phrase that will allow my thoughts to flow into the thing I meant to write. I started that this morning but felt discouraged when my sweetie decided I needed a task master to keep me on task. So I threw in the towel for the time being because trying to force it wasn't going to make it happen and it seemed that I'd just be under pressure to get it all out.

The day progressed and I seemed to be in a bit of a funk. I've had a lot of anxiety for several reasons and thankfully skating has been a great outlet for it. Then I started thinking.

You know what one phrase all of my coaches have said to me?

STOP THINKING!

Even off the track, I should remember this because so often, I start thinking and then things go "wrong." If I think too hard when I'm skating, I start to doubt myself and then usually end up falling. I've now figuratively fallen because I started thinking too much.

I'm feeling really discouraged. There's a lot of stuff that I'm discouraged about but I realized today that I'm starting to feel really discouraged about derby.

(Note: I was interrupted while writing this at midnight last night. It was once again my sweetie and this time I simply became angry which caused a whole series of interesting and good events in the long run. Now back to my whining.)


Why do I feel discouraged? I mean, I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago or even six months ago. But I'm seeing others doing so much better and passing me. I feel stuck and frustrated. It's hard to not compare yourself to other skaters when you see other skaters all of the time. You shouldn't because this is such an individual experience yet it's so easy to fall into that trap. Trust me, I'm in it right now.

When I work on things outside of practice such as wall-sits or push-ups, I can feel and see a change in how my body is working. My biggest physical weakness, the thing that is holding me back, is my ankle stability. And I have been working to improve it. I work on balancing on one foot and then doing half-squats while on one foot, placing my other leg in other positions. I trace the alphabet with both feet. I do calf raises and walk on my toes. Despite all of this, it feels that *nothing* has improved. I do amazing toe stop runs and then when I try to transition out of them, one of my ankles gives out, causing me to fall. Even writing about it, I feel the urge to throw a temper tantrum. Is it the boot or is it my ankle? I don't know. I was fitted for a new boot and fell in love with the Vanilla Curve, which fit my narrow feet. My heel and ankle didn't move around when I tried them one and we checked. They were tight. The rest of the boot is still tight but around the ankle, they feel really loose. Are my socks too thin? Have my constant "ankle rolls" (for the lack of the correct term) caused my boots to loosen up? I don't know. And honestly, I kind of feel like giving up right now. It's like I've hit a wall or have plateaued. I don't feel like I'm improving, my job prevents me from making every practice and everyone that will ever be in the pink group will make it to the contact group before me.

See why I should stop thinking?

My thinking has given me a rotten attitude and I know it. This is why I'm not giving up and why I'll keep pushing myself. It is discouraging though and I hope the feeling passes soon because it's also very draining. I'm dreading practice tomorrow because even though it's awesome how hard we get pushed, I know I'll never be "in shape" because I'm always being pushed. The only plus is seeing everyone else in pain and struggling because even the most in shape person gets a beating in these work outs.

I want to get better. I'm just worried that I never will.

Getting back on the figurative horse

The last couple of weeks have been rather busy for me. Work and personal life have been eating up quite a lot of time. Then there's the derby stuff. Many of my fellow skaters are getting injured or having to leave the league for various reasons. As I've written before, that's been hard for me. It's also been hard not having (or making) the time to go skating.

Part of the reason I've not made more time is that there's a part of me that's a little scared. I didn't get hurt badly when I took my fall at the beginning of November but it still hurt. The worst part is that I know *exactly* what I was doing at the moment I fell. Transitions.

There's a history there with my learning how to do a forwards to backwards transition. I think too much and my hips don't open up wide enough. I also over think it. This is a constant problem in my life and especially in my skating. I think too hard and then I doubt and then I fall.

Since my injury, I've gone skating but I've been very, very reluctant to do transitions, which of course means that I've been making myself do them.

When I was growing up, my mom tried to get me into horse back riding as that was something she had really enjoyed as a kid. She'd even gone on to raise her own horses. The horse that she wanted me to ride, Spot, was very stubborn and very smart. Spot knew that if she scared me or didn't do what I wanted, that I'd get frustrated and not try to ride her again. Guess what happened? Exactly what the horse thought would happen.

 There's the saying of you have to get back on the horse after it bucks you off but sometimes, it really hurts. I eventually got back onto a horse though it took several years and I was usually anxious the entire time up to getting on the horse. I don't want to take years getting back to working on transitions so I've decided to pick myself up and get back at it even though this is how I gave myself whiplash.

I've slowly been working back up to being confident about transitions. That's the major thing. I'm not confident about them when I'm skating in a circle. If I'm over to a side and just going back and forth, I'm okay but as soon as I get on the big floor, I doubt myself.

Saturday morning, I went skating with my Sweetie. We missed the lessons but one of the instructors happened to be there. He came over and chatted with me and I used it as a chance to work on my transitions. Sometimes it simply takes hearing the same thing in several different ways. He watched me and pointed out some things I already knew I was (or in most cases, wasn't) doing. Stay low. Keep the back straight. Don't lean forward. Then he did something that really surprised me. He had me take his hands and lightly press down, as though I was holding onto a table. After he let go, I kept my hands in that position and he had me turn around. I could do it! It turns out that as I was turning, the outside shoulder (example: if I'm turning to the right, then it's my left shoulder) would start to turn in the correct direction and then would pull back, causing me to fall into a pile of Ferret.

I went back and forth in the center for the rink quite a few times to get it down. Tuesday night, we went skating again. Once again, I was horribly nervous and was over thinking it on the floor so I took myself to the "kiddie pool" (a small practice area off to the side) and did a couple of transitions. Then, even though I knew I'd look like a dork, I skated out to the center and, raising my arms up almost like a ballerina, I started doing transitions.

They still need to be faster but they are happening now. Two of my derby friends were there and got just as excited as I did when I did it without falling. Now the real key is to remember that confidence I found and to keep it up. It's all baby steps but if I hadn't decided to get back up on my "horse", I wouldn't have improved. That is the most amazing thing about skating. Every time I skate, something gets better, even on my really hard days.

Following the Path

Saying good-bye, why is it sad? Makes us remember the good times we had.

Saying Good-bye from The Muppets Take Manhattan

The lyric from above always gets me teary-eyed. I don't like saying good-bye. I'm not good with change. I know that change is good but I don't do well with it.

Today, my friend, who actually got me to put on skates (and has supported me amazingly), is leaving our rec league. I know it wasn't an easy decision and I understand why she did it but I'm very weepy about it. I can accept reality but I don't have to like it and that's very much where I am today. Acceptance isn't the problem, it's the moving forward part that sucks.

I haven't always been a good friend to her either. When I had my derby break-up, I became a complete Douche Bag. She'd ask if I wanted to see her new plates and I'd just sort of shrug and say "whatever." The problem with being a DB is that you don't realize it until after the fact and the damage has been done. Yet, despite my pity parties and general dislike of anything involving roller derby, she stuck by me. One day, after not enough sleep, she got me to go skating that evening. If she hadn't, I wouldn't have remembered how much I love skating. When the rec league was talking about registration for the spring session, she stayed on my case until I agreed and she took my stuff in since I had to work that day. When it finally hit me how big of a jerk-face I'd been, she told me it was okay, she'd forgiven me and gotten over it and that I should do the same. 

She isn't the first one to leave the league. Some have made it into one of the local competitive leagues. Others have moved out of the state. Yet others have been injured or haven't had the time to do it. One of my dearest friends, Betty LaRude, spent a lot of time talking to me about derby. It helps that she introduced me to it. This past June, after our awards ceremony, I drove Betty home. Drunk Betty is awesome because she can articulate things that Sober Better can't. She talked about how much stronger and more confident women become after doing derby but that everyone's journey is different and that we have to respect that path. 

It's a difficult task to know that you walk a path that is similar and yet so different from every other woman (and man) who plays the sport. My friend and I talked about how awesome it would be when we were doing contact stuff and scrimmaging. It was my goal to make it to the contact ready group this session. Alas, work is going to keep me from attaining that goal as I won't be at two back to back practices in order to move up. I'll still be skating and the local men's league allows all skaters to come to their practices so I'll be getting derby practice but I won't be with my league. 

Sometimes I wish I could get off of the path I'm on and go back to where our paths were still together. I don't regret the choices I made but I do wish I'd taken a different path. Yet, I know I would have made the same decisions because of the other circumstances in my life.

I know that it isn't really good-bye. It's more of a "see you at the track" but it's still sad. I hope she continues to blog so I can hear about her journey but I wish I could still be on the path with her. She's definitely become one of my heroes for many reasons. 

As two strangers brought together by a common interest, we've become roller skaters and involved in derby. It was an unlikely story and duo (I'm a Gemini and she's an Ares for those of you who are into that; funny, isn't it?) but it's been awesome. I know that we'll get a chance someday to scrimmage and I hope it's a mixer where we're on the same team. Keep skating and putting your heart into it.

<3

(Note: Yes, I know that some people who read this will know who I mean but I respect her privacy and really, this is about me dealing with my feelings on the matter. I'm much more public. Also, it's specific to her but applies to derby and life in general. We will all lose other skaters, friends and family over time and it's never easy. Loss is always hard and generally emotional. I share my loss so others may recognize their own.)

Derby Wife

I recently read the book, Going in Circles. I bought it (or it was bought for me; can't really remember anymore) shortly after it came out. One of my many bad habits is buying books and then not reading them for ages. I really like owning books though. This one I put off for many reasons, one of which has been my struggle getting back into derby. It's almost funny how quickly I fell in and out of love with the sport. I'm starting to fall back in love so on my recent trip home, I packed the book to take with me. It was a good read especially while sick but one thing really struck me to the core. The main character ends up with a derby wife.

This isn't just someone who introduces her to roller derby and helps motivate her through it. This is someone who helps her keep perspective on life and helps her push herself. They become inseparable on and off the track. I've watched a good friend of mine with her derby wife from even before I understood what a derby wife was. They are there for each other with derby and real life, helping with various things and just being there.

I almost had that once and I screwed up.

I got involved with derby with a friend. She and I for a while became almost inseparable. We got gear together and thought about our derby futures together. We were there for each other though she probably pushed me more than I pushed her. Then our paths split and I had my falling out with derby. And I watched her go on with derby and get better and I got bitter. And it hurt. I didn't want to talk about derby because I felt like a failure. I didn't think I was good enough and I did seriously think about never strapping on skates again. I felt I'd let everyone down, including myself, and I was too upset and hurt to skate.

It was during this time that I lost my almost derby wife. It's really my own fault. The worst part is that I didn't realize it right away. I was so heartsick and then life threw some nasty curves at me. She was the one who got me back on skates and got me to sign up for the Debs. And I started to actually retreat into myself. It was during this time that I started to wake up and realize that I'd done her a huge wrong. I've tried to write about it before but there aren't enough words to explain or to apologize. We've even talked about that and I know she's forgiven. We've even spent time together and I've sat there racking my brain, trying to figure out how to tell her what exactly she means to me and how much it means to me that she's not given up on me because frankly I'd expect most people to not be that patient with me. It's almost as though I'm 13 again and I'm trying to tell my crush how much I like them but words fail me and I just am there, trying to make up for being a crappy friend for so long.

So now, weeks after I first started thinking about how I almost had a derby wife, all I can do is write about it here. I see other girls I skate with declaring to be each others derby wife and part of me gets jealous. I don't know if I'll ever have a derby wife now as I had someone who even now acts the way that I imagine a derby wife would and all I was was someone too self-involved to help out a good friend. She knows who she is and she may get angry that I'm writing this but I don't know how else to tell her. I'm terrified of being rejected by her and I'm terrified of hearing the faults I know I have to be said back to me. Every time I've started, the words won't even leave my lips and it feels as though my throat is closing up with the realization that I could screw things up even more. So I sit back and try to be there and hope that maybe one day, I'll have a derby wife as awesome as she already is.

End of year and the emotions that follow

It's been quite a spring, strike that, summer so far. The summer started with the end of the Debu-Taunts season and a road trip.

You might have been able to tell that the last post was really emotional. This summer has been rather emotional for me. I've heard that derby does that to you but I've always been a bit (HUGE understatement that) emotional. I don't do well with people. Actually, I do well with people. I don't do well with women. Put me in a room of mixed company and I can hold my own. Stick me with a bunch of geeky guys and I'm right there with them. Surround me with women in my age range and I'm intimidated and worried that someone (if not all of them) are going to hate me. Yes, I know, irrational feelings but they are there and while I am actually working on them, some things tend to stay the same. I'm not really good at small talk and large amounts of people when I'm not in my element frighten me. Throw me in a corset at any renaissance festival or sci-fi con and I know what to do. Stick me in a room with people all dressed up and I tend to freak out, even if all of these people are involved in derby.

There were a lot of other things that led me to this heightened state. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my Gramps's death. I'd have loved to tell him that I was at an award's banquet for a sport. I'd never done that before. I know he'd be proud but it's something different to tell him. Add into this hormonal fun and stress in life as well as a very introvert boyfriend and I was fretting. A lot. I mean, I got there early because I didn't want to be late.

As we entered, there was a small crowd and people were all excited. The more excited they got, the more nervous I got. It wasn't about winning anything either. It was about feeling left out. I'd joined Debs in January and, due to work, had missed the first practice. I know I wasn't the only one who wasn't there from the beginning but I hate missing things. I want to be in the know though there usually has never been a know to be in.

My Gentleman and I ended up sitting at a table up front as the small tables didn't really allow for large crowds (neither did my dress really) mostly because I was afraid to join in on any group and I didn't want to throw G into anything that made him uncomfortable. The funny thing was that he did know one of the husbands there but that's more of a side note.

I hit a point where I knew I was going to cry but it was my issue. I was feeling awkward and left out and not approaching people in combination of feeling they should approach me but mostly because I was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.

I did have a bit of a cry and a huge hug from Betty who told me that a lot of stuff. None of it is really meant for here but I remember it and it was for me. And it made sense. There was more talking later which was actually amusing as the Drunk Betty was more articulate than Sober Betty. Less thinking involved.

Then it happened. Seeing these other women who had gone through their own tough times. I didn't know their stories even as I was busy trying to make mine fit. I watched women who I admired and found amazingly strong, start to break down and cry on the stage. And not just fellow Debs but the coaches as well.

The "official" night ended with a huge group hug on stage and I ended up chatting with one of the coaches about the season and she encouraged me to come back and that no matter what, I had derby in common with everyone in the room so I could at least start talking to them about that. She acknowledged that I'm really hard on myself but then complimented me on having some of the best damn toe stop runs in the group. I think I started crying again.

After the awards, we did karaoke. I. Don't. Do. Karaoke. The sound of my voice amplified freaks me out. I hate testing mics but would rather do that then to be the one setting the levels for the mic. Out of curiosity, I checked out the book. They had one of my songs. There are a few songs that I'd be willing to sing if they had them and I was able to find one of them. And it's a good song. It's one I wanted to share with everyone there, so I sang it. The song? Good Mother by Jann Arden Look it up on Youtube. It's an amazing song. Somehow, I got through it, in a corset, and had the other women singing along. One of them even gave me a huge hug, thanking me for reminding her of that song.


A few days later, I started celebrating my 30th birthday. I wanted to go skating so invited as many people as I could. Threw it together even and didn't expect much. More Debs came out than I expected and they all wished me a happy  birthday. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

Since then, the day before my birthday, I've not had a chance to skate due to being almost deathly ill. I thought I was over it and on my annual summer trip to Colorado, I got even sicker. I'm glad I didn't bring my skates but I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to skate! There are Debs moving and joining leagues and it won't be the same! I want to just want to skate and for it to stay the same now that I've finally gotten some of my courage out of hiding and am starting to know the women I'm skating with. Life is never easy though, is it?

The good news is that it looks like I'll make the first practice of the new session. As soon as I get back home, I'm going to get my stuff together to mail off for the next season. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time but I don't want to give it up. I'm not absorbed into it as I was a year ago and I've not found someone I'd consider a derby wife, but I'm not giving up on the sport.

Resent much?

I have a confession and a rather public apology to make.

A lot of the last 8 months have been filled with resentment. At first, it was very very constant. I resented all things with roller derby. It took me over a month to be able to wear my long, fun socks again, something I'd worn before I started doing derby and yet have become part of my derby life.

If not for the persistence of two very good friends, I probably wouldn't be on skates now. I don't resent them for continuing to push when the worst of it was over and I don't resent them for where I am now. I resent myself for picking the wrong path.

During the summer, there were some informal practices held for the Debu-Taunts. I went to one of the dry land practices, before my summer got busy with work. As they figured out when the session would officially start, I realized that it wouldn't work for me. I was already committed to working at the Renaissance festival and, due to my lovely cat eating and swallowing some string, I'd already been paid for my work for the season. For me, there was no way I could justify leaving early on Sundays to go do the Debu-Taunts. So I found something else.

That didn't work out.

So I stopped skating and I hid from derby. I was hurt and angry. Eventually I became resentful because I couldn't do it. The worst part was watching the women I'd started doing derby with going on with it. I went on an extreme and didn't have anything to do with it. On facebook, I hid people that I only knew through derby. I didn't go to any bouts and I simply wanted nothing to do with it. I hurt friends because I was so busy feeling hurt that I didn't see how my actions were affecting others. The worst part was that I was fully responsible for my decisions. No one forced me to find a different league or to not figure out some sort of other arrangement. I decided driving an absurd distance for practice once a week was a better option than anything else I had going for me. I wanted to be involved and be learning so badly, that I simply threw myself at any possibility. Never did I step back and wonder if this was really a good idea nor did I think any further than the moment.

Later, when things didn't work out, people pointed out how this might be for the best especially when winter brought the snows. This didn't really make me feel better because now I was even less than I had been. I'd been on an actual league and been a full member for a short period of time. After, I was no one and this hurt. I felt I'd been dumped by the guy I shouldn't have been dating in the first place. It hurt to realize that I was now never going to catch up.

A few weeks ago, it hit me that I'd been still holding onto this resentment, even though most of the sting was gone. It was so well hidden that I hadn't even realized it was still there. Tonight, after going on a small road trip to watch the local men's derby team compete, I realized that it was still there. One of the members of that former league was there. I didn't interact with her and I imagine she doesn't even remember me but it stirred up all those old feelings. It didn't help that I was the "new" kid in the group. I don't have any stories from the first session because I wasn't in it.

The worst part isn't even the loss of those stories. That I could be fine with. What hurts the most is that I pushed people away who had been close and now, that gap may never really be repaired because, for me, there's still this little voice reminding me, whenever they talk about what their section is working on, that I screwed up. I picked the wrong path and now will never catch up because I've fallen too far behind.

I remember being so excited a year ago about eventually clicking with someone and having a derby wife and getting into all the different leagues. My rejection last fall really hurt and I don't think I'm fully healed from it yet. I'm skating because I enjoy it and I want to, not to prove them wrong, but I don't know if I want to be a "real" derby girl anymore. Right now I'd be happy to stay in the "kiddie pool" for a long time because I'm afraid that even when I get to the higher groups that I'll still be alone from the isolation of my resentment.

So to those that I pushed away with my anger and hurt, I'm sorry. I've missed a lot being stuck in my own head. I can't fix that but I want to change the future. I'm trying to figure out how but first I need to remove this sliver of resentment from my heart.

Rock kicking and team mates

One of the ways I get frustration out of my system, especially in the past, is to kick something. Kicking rocks is a useful way to get frustration out since, when done correctly, nothing gets hurt. Kicking walls usually leaves holes and kicking animals in right out. Growing up in the mountains meant I had no shortage of rocks to kick.

Yesterday, I wanted to kick some rocks.

Going into practice, I was frustrated. Work had kept me busy so I hadn't had much time on my skates. The weather has been crazy and unpredictable so I wasn't able to go outside either. I knew going into it that it was going to be a tough day. Maybe if I'd thought about it differently, it wouldn't have been so tough but I think I needed it to be hard.

Practice was held in a different location than normal. There's been at least one other practice in this location, which I only got to witness as I got to practice too late for it to be worthwhile to gear up. We started with 10 laps around the "track" (it's an arena's concourse). Since my toe stops kept falling out I had one of the coaches come take a look at them and then adjusted them. This made me one of the latest girls out there doing my laps. During the laps, my feet were adjusting to the new arch supports. They suck but they're also awesome. My knees weren't hitting each other nearly as much as they have in the past. Other skaters were cheering me on as they passed me and I managed to get them done not too far behind everyone else.

We then broke into groups from least to most comfortable/experienced. My group,the least comfortable was mostly girls from my group level. However, we also had some more experienced girls who were getting back onto skates after injury. Our first station was working on footwork and weaving. Both of these are really hard for me. As I didn't know what we were doing the entire time, I hadn't brought my basketball over to the group. Why a basketball? One of the coaches recommended using one between my legs during fast feet drills to help strengthen the hip muscles so that other agility work is easier. The concern was speed over form and it wasn't too bad. It was also refreshing to see that I wasn't the only one who has trouble with this area still.

Then came the weaving. I dread weaving. I understand it mentally but my muscle memory is wrong. When learning how to skate, I had a lot of trouble with cross overs. I still have some trouble but that's less to do with my body and more to do with my head. So to psyche myself out, I would skate through corners by bringing my outside leg in front of my inside one without picking up. This has apparently developed the habit of skating turns with the outside leg in front. As I worked through the drill, I became more and more frustrated. I fall a lot. I always have. Eventually I imagine I won't fall nearly as much but I'd been told in the past that because of this, I wasn't athletic enough to do derby. So as I'm falling, my brain is pulling out those voices and I was already feeling unsure about myself and where I'll go in derby from feeling like an outsider. The coach pulled me over to look at my trucks. He pointed out that they were probably still a little too loose and that I needed better plates. These plates are definitely a step up from my last ones but I need to get better. My frustrations had nothing to do with myself but with my plates binding up when I was turning. It was the equipment and not me that was holding me back. Feeling a little better, work in that area ended and we moved onto the next one.

Here the coach is also a good friend which means I sometimes get extra attention. I'm sure it's a hard balance so I try not to be too much of a hog of her time but I love getting feedback from her. She was having us work on stops. Snowplough stops I have down pretty good. I still can't stop at the same speed I skate but I can stop reliably with them. T-stops mock me. It seems that almost every time we work on them, I've forgotten how to do them. Then, when I'm on my own and working on them, I get them. I started to get frustrated again. Really frustrated. The third stop, turning around and onto toe stops, is difficult to say the least. Before yesterday, I hadn't actually worked on them since tryouts last summer. I've watched other people do them but just don't have the knack. And then the falling started, though it probably started before that stop. I hit a point of frustration where tears started to stream down my face. The coach told me to grab some water and that it would be okay. At this point, a couple of girls asked if I was hurt and I explained that I was frustrated and that I wanted to go kick a rock. They understood. All of them understood and as I started to cry harder, out of pure frustration, a couple of the girls gave me hugs and told me that I was doing well. One last time through and then onto the last station.

The last station was sticky skating and gaining speed while doing so. I can do sticky skating but I have a hard time gaining speed while doing so. This was a hard station. Every break found me on the ground, panting and trying to stretch out as best I could. Yet it seemed that I was starting to connect with some of the other girls. I wasn't the last one looking for a group, feeling left out and awkward. When we did an exercise with partners, I had one without having to feel awkward.

The best part was, after a bit of core and stretching, having other girls find me to tell me how much they'd seen me improve. It's one of the first times that I really felt like I belonged. I don't expect to like or be liked by everyone but I want to feel like a part of the group. I started to feel as though I belonged. I know it's mostly in my head but having others welcome me and give me good comments helped my head be less of a mess.

The biggest thing I learned from practice was to not focus on the negative things, the things that sucked but to find one or two good things that went well. So the positive things. In the third station, we started with shopping carts with three of us. The back person had to push the other two. I was the second one to push and I got us some speed, which was really cool. The other two girls even commented on it, making me feel really good and pushing harder. The other thing was learning that it's my gear is causing a lot of my frustration. That's an easy thing to fix. One of the coaches even offered to go to one of the local derby stores with me to get a better plate. He's also willing to lend me some different wheels to try out to see if that helps me as well. My current wheels, Poisons, are really grippy and are getting in my way at our normal practice space. I'd originally bought them for the last group I was in as we were skating on untreated concrete. Now, on a different surface, they're just too grippy. I'm hoping to get it taken care of sooner rather than later. Maybe I'll make a trip tomorrow or Thursday as my time allows.

Looking the part

Back in middle school, I was made fun of and despised. I know I'm not the only person who experienced this but I'm probably one of the few who just started to not care. I didn't care what people thought about how I dressed because it didn't matter. They'd make fun of me and mock me regardless of what I wore or how I acted so I just did my own thing. This has continued on to adulthood. I've got a certain je ne sais quoi. I don't obsess over how I look. I don't do make-up and I frequently look like a closet has thrown up. For the most part, I don't care. I'm comfortable with who I am. Yet, now, doing derby, I've found that I care.

Earlier this week I was happened upon some old photos from last summer's clinics and tryouts and I feel ashamed and embarrassed of how I look. I don't blend in. I stand out but not in a good way. More in an awkward duckling sort of way, at least in my own mind that's how it looks.

I look...unique. I'm my own sort of person and I've had people tell me that they are envious that I'm okay not conforming to other people's standards. What they don't see is the battle going on in my head. Part of me would love to fit it. To have that sense of fashion which I seem to be missing. It's superficial but I almost feel like that if I was able to look like the other girls that I wouldn't feel like an outcast among them. I know I'm probably not the only one. Everyone feels a bit self-conscious and worried about fitting in but most people are able to hide it. I've been told that it doesn't show on me and that it's my own perception, which I know is the case.

Part of my issue is that some of my friends started doing the rec league in the first session and I didn't. So I feel like I'm not part of the click that formed during that first session, that I'm an outsider. Among the new girls, I feel like an outcast as well as I had to miss the first practice due to work. I'm extremely shy and fear being rejected so I don't put myself out there. I'm feeling myself up against a wall that I can't get through yet. I want to get better but I'm stuck.

Derby and I have this weird relationship. I want to do it but I'm terrified of doing it. My confidence hasn't recovered from last fall when I was told I was too old and not athletic enough to do derby. Those words are still there, whispering in my ears that I'm just not good enough. One can tune out the voices most of the time but it's going to take actually being able to do it to get rid of the voices. I know that my age isn't a limiting factor but I know that I'm not athletic. Or rather, that I've not been athletic in the past. I know the future can change but I know where I've been. My attention span is also split. I barely went to any bouts this season. In fact, I've gone to two. This has largely been due to work events that I had to work but also because I've been afraid. Afraid of getting sucked in again.

More than looking the part, which anyone can do, I want to feel the part. I want to be confident on my skates and be a part of the group. But I'm not ready to give my soul to it again. Not yet.

Getting back on my wheels

It's been a while since I've written and a lot has happened. It's been rough and I find that I am now in a completely different spot than I had originally even imagined I would ever be.

I continued working on skills and on skating. Tryouts were June 19th. The stars aligned in such a way that not only would I not be able to make either recruit practice that week but I would also have a 16 hour day two days before tryouts. Fate would also intervene and make it known to me that my skates were too big! (A side note to all new skaters: your skates should be a tight fit! My first pair felt comfortable, almost the same fit as my normal shoes. This was way too loose and caused me all kinds of foot cramping and other problems). Thankfully (or not), one of the other girls had decided to sell off an extra pair of skates she had on hand and they were my size. I managed to get them...the day before tryouts. Probably not the best idea to wear new skates just before tryouts but I wanted to make it through!

The good news is that I made it through tryouts and didn't die. It sure felt like it at times and I've never been able to fully recount what we did as I just can't remember everything. An amazing experience that I'm glad I had, though the emotions of it all didn't hit until well into the next day. I learned that I was an inspiration to other girls as every time I fell down, I got right back up. I wasn't very steady on my skates but they were brand new to me skates and I hadn't had a chance to fully get use to them.

There were 60 girls trying out that day and what a day it was. I woke up relaxed and in a zen state. There was nothing I could do to change anything at that point. I would not worry or regret or ponder what I could have done differently. Instead, I went and got some advice from Betty and then met up with N for a nice relaxing lunch before heading over to the hole.

It was intense and I knew I'd start crying if I did make it, not if I didn't. I didn't expect to make it this year. I hadn't been on skates very long and skating has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Gracefulness isn't my strong point. I've seen new born animals that have better control of their limbs than I occasionally do when I'm *not* on skates. I am very happy and pleased that I made it through.

Then came the next few weeks.

Work picked up with a big show so I wasn't really able to skate but I also didn't want to skate. While I didn't think any of the new skates would treat me differently because they were now on the league and I wasn't, I didn't want to skate with them. My faults didn't need to be pointed out and advice wasn't what I was looking for right then. While I didn't imagine making the league (and maybe that was why I didn't but I know I just wasn't ready), I also didn't imagine the let down feeling I'd have afterwards. Perhaps it's because I came from a small high school and a smaller college but even when I didn't make the cut in an audition, I was still highly involved in the production. I had a part and I could play it, even if it tended to be more backstage than in front of the curtain. But with roller derby, it wasn't that easy. In less than a month, I could try to be a non-skating official but I'd have to go to the referee try-outs. Suddenly people who had no interest in being a NSO wanted to be one just so they could be a member of the league. I didn't feel that need to do something I wasn't interested in just in the off chance that I might get to skate. Not that this is against the girls who did do that but it wasn't the role I wanted to play.

So I found myself in a weird limbo of people who had once been recruits together and then were in different places. I suddenly didn't want to hear about the new skaters needing help with their names or all of the cool things that they were going to be doing. All I wanted to do was to find my little cave, pull myself into it and lick my wounds. But I didn't really have any wounds to lick. I just didn't want to be treated differently even though there was a difference. It wasn't really enough of a one to have caused the changes that I seemed to be seeing.

The life intervened and I found myself home earlier than I thought I'd be for a funeral. The entire time, I just wanted to skate. I hadn't skated at this point since tryouts which had been two weeks previous. Whenever I was asked by my family what I wanted to do, I automatically responded that I wanted to go skating. I did eventually get to go skating again and it felt so good. The skates weren't quite what I was use to and I was at a much higher elevation but it felt right to be on skates again.

When I got home, I started to look into my options. I decided to not try to be a NSO as I had just arrived back from Colorado and I wasn't in the right mindset to even try to be human. I had joined a mailing list for a new recreational league created by MNRG called the Debu-Taunts. This seemed like it was going to be the place for me to skate for the year. Sadly, once again fate decided to shuffle things around and practices are planned to be on Sundays. During the summer this isn't a problem but starting in mid-August until early October, my weekends are taken over by one of my earliest loves and obsessions: the renaissance festival. I work out there so I can't just decide to not go so I could skate. My commitment was already set to this shop. Add into the fact that after the renaissance festival, my real job starts to pick up and so I find myself working a lot of Sundays.

Frustrated that I just wouldn't be able to do derby, I started searching the web. There must be another league that was closer than Duluth. Sure enough I found one. Based out of Eau Claire, the Chippewa Valley Roller Girls were looking for skaters to join their league. It seemed simple enough. Contact them, come out to a practice, fill out some paperwork and pay dues and I'd be a member. As they are so new, they only have one bouting team at this point. Excited and curious if they'd really take a girl from Minnesota, I sent them off an email. Sure enough, so long as I could make practices, I was more than welcome to join them.

A week later found me driving out to Eau Claire. A bundle of nerves, I was excited and scared. Here was a bunch of girls I'd never met who were going to let me come join their league. Would they be so much better than me that they wouldn't want someone at my level? Would the fact that I was running late because of rush hour traffic and orange cone season count so horribly against me that I couldn't be involved? Would they all hate me? (Ah, middle school fears always like to pop up whenever they can.) Would I fall more than I normally do? (I think I actually managed to fall less than I normally do and I hadn't had a chance to change my outdoor wheels out.)

Silly fears pushed aside, I found myself skating with a wonderful group of women. Whenever we worked on a skill, one of them would glance over at me and ask if I knew what they meant. It's amazing how you eventually start to understand what people say through a mouth guard. The next two weeks were full of shows so I'd miss practice but I'd join them again last night.

Once again my life had it's own weird explosions and I wasn't able to skate from that first practice I went to until I strapped on my skates last night, three weeks later. To my surprise, skill tests were starting. I was nowhere near prepared! I had no idea, though I know I wasn't the only one. While I'd managed to have the right wheels on, I had a hard time skating at first. Three weeks of not skating seems to do that to a body. Add in the fact that I was nervous about not passing a simple skill test, I found that I was having all kinds of problems. Shaking, falling and having just a bad time in general. However, the longer I skated, the more I realized that this was for my own safety as well as just seeing where I was in my skills. This didn't mark me as a failure if I didn't pass and it allowed me to reevaluate where I was and what I needed to work on. By the end of practice, I was glad to be there and pumped for the next week, trying to figure out where I could skate to practice some of the things I need to work on. Most importantly though, I was glad to be back on my wheels even if I knew I'd soon hear a chorus of "I told you so".

I'm not unapproachable, I'm just shy

Before the North Star Roller Girls clinics started, there were some meet and greets. I sadly wasn't able to make any of them for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, one of the reasons was do to how shy I can be. Those who know me well are probably laughing at that statement but I am truly shy. Get me into a situation where I'm not in my comfort zone and don't know a lot of people and I get really shy. Not horribly anxious about it but I'll either get really, really, really, really chatty or I'll not say much. I've been taken as being too serious before because I didn't join in and joke but it wasn't being too serious. No, it was a cause of being too shy.

So now we're into clinics. The first two were cancelled on account of Mother Nature thinking it'd be fun to give us March weather in May. The first one to happen was on a day I had to work in the evening (downside to working in theatre is having to work events; it sometimes means passing on things I'd rather be doing.) So I finally make it to the second one, last Thursday. I had the day off, so I was able to relax and have a good day before heading over to the Oval. It was a good time and I knew a handful of the girls there but I didn't really talk to a lot of other people there. Not that there is a lot of time to be talking but I didn't.

This past Monday there was a clinic. I felt the familiar knot of fear in my gut that people wouldn't like me or that I'd look like a fool or that I wouldn't just fit in. There is a long history to this knot. The joys of middle school. It made me terrified to go to pretty much anywhere new as I feared everyone would outright hate me even without knowing me. Of course they *didn't* but it seems that this idea is still planted in my head. So Monday I got to the Oval feeling nervous which probably did lead to some of my less than stellar skating. My skating buddy (we started skating together back in February) wasn't going to be there and while I knew/recognized some of the girls, there was that fear that they wouldn't want anything to do with me. There was also the fear that I wouldn't be able to skate. The first month of skating was met with a weird mix of fear and exhilarated at the idea of putting on skates. Would I fall down? Would I be able to move forward? Would I get onto the floor without anyone killing me?

Today's clinic once again found me feeling nervous. I don't know what to talk about with people other than derby as that's the only thing we currently have in common. Does everyone want to keep talking about derby or would they rather talk about something else? Thankfully not only are most people interested in getting as much time in skating as possible. It also helped that not only was my skating buddy there but the people "responsible" for getting me hooked also came out to skate. Knowing even a handful of people and actually *knowing* them put me much more at ease.

I keep meaning to go out and spend time with some of the other recruits but with tryouts fast approaching (6 more clinics until tryouts!), everyone wants to be skating as much as possible. I should be skating more than I am but I just don't have the time right now. Add into the reality that skating at the rinks starts to add up after a while, and I'm just not able to do it. I want to do derby though. Maybe not skating this season but hopefully next season. This isn't even taking into consideration whether or not I'd fit into the league and have the skills they need.

I wonder how many of the other recruits feel the same way I do? Maybe they all do and they just have a better facade.