2014: A Look Back

Somehow, I've managed to not write anything since March. This thankfully doesn't mean I haven't been active since then.

Parkour sort of hit a wall this year. Things in my personal life made doing it difficult. I kept meaning to go to one event or another and things (mostly excuses) kept cropping up. I did eventually make it back to the gym, for a women's parkour meet-up. I was pretty sure the only thing I would remember would be the vaults as I actually use those fairly often. They are really useful at work. Turns out I remembered a lot more than I thought I would. I didn't look like an awkward moose while trying to do a shoulder roll. There was actual upward momentum when I did a wall run. And I nearly made it onto the top of the 6' wall. And I still hate kong vaults.

Derby has been interesting. Debs has changed, evolved, as is often necessary. I surprised myself by testing well enough to stay in the mid-level group. I made nearly half of the practices (stupid illness made me short by one but the coaches understood). The spring should be even better. It's amazing how much I remembered! I'm excited to see what the spring will bring. Most likely, more dry lands as all the events in St. Paul in the spring make practice spaces hard but I'm okay with that.

Emerging from the silence

It's been a while since I've written about my fitness and skating. Work has sped up and slowed down and sped up again. This makes it hard to do anything consistently. I've managed to go skating a few times and definitely have missed the feel of wheels under my feet. However, I'm not entirely sure I miss derby.

The game has certainly evolved since the last time I went to a bout (new rules have been released at least once if not twice since the last time I went to a bout). I sometimes wonder if people miss me and I'm sure that some do but I completely get the "out of sight, out of mind" reality of it. When you're pushing your body through those practices, you don't have time to think about who isn't there. You're too busy pushing yourself and supporting the people who are there. When I was still active, there were other women that I would reach out to on facebook when I realized that I truly hadn't seen them for a while (this was hard for me to judge as I was often not around a lot). I know a few of them were very touched that I had messaged them because it seemed that no one else had done so.

I miss the skating. I miss the hard work. I miss the people. I don't know if I miss the game though. I can certainly get my butt kicked doing other things and I can skate and enjoy that. It's hard to be completely into something when you can't be around. At the end of last year, I looked at my work schedule and realized that I'd be available for even fewer practice sessions than I had in the fall. As much as I wanted to sign up and be able to do it, it made even less sense. I did eventually get on skates again, but it was honestly after the new year. I haven't made a bout yet. There have been a few times that I could have gone, if I didn't mind going after a long day at work (it's exhausting to listen to talks on international politics and peace keeping) or skipping out on something else, like sleep. There's one more bout in the MNRG season left and as much as I want to go and cheer on my former Debs team mates, I know it's probably not going to happen. That will make two seasons where I've not managed to make a bout and that makes me sad. It's certainly not out of laziness. It's mostly about my job. I guess that's a big down side to work in theatre.

I've not been too active in parkour lately either. Frankly, it's been a rotten start to the new year. I've tried squeezing in parkour classes and never seem to have enough time. I can plot things out but it seems I'm not able to predict how intense work or life is going to be, which ends up keeping me from class. Add into it the worst winter I've ever experienced in Minnesota and there were days that I just didn't leave the house. It was safer that way. The next time I do make it to Fight or Flight Academy, I'm investing in a punch card. The last several months that I've paid for a number of classes for the month (4 classes), I usually end up only making 2 or 3 classes. Better to go with a punch card that I can use whenever and that I'll actually get the full value out of it.

Additionally, I've found a yoga center I like. They do hot yoga and barre classes. My favorite yoga classes are at 9 pm and then I sleep really well. I've taken 3 barre classes and each one seems to be getting harder. Barre is a combination of yoga, pilates and ballet work. I've taken the class with a different instructor each time. The first two times were the 60 minute classes. Today I took the 75 minute class. It was the hardest so far. It was harder than most derby practices. I think this is mostly due to the fact that when we do some drills in derby, we were usually in some sort of line, so you'd get a bit of a break. Not so with barre. You just keep going, with a beat. It never seems to end. While I learned where my core was doing roller derby, I seem to be on a path to beat it into submission with barre. There is a part of me, when we're doing work with the bar, that feels like the dream of being a ballerina is coming true. I've yet to break it to myself that I'm not going to be dancing on stage, but maybe I can get the body of a dancer and then learn how to dance on my skates. That's still one of my goals. I've been looking into dancing lessons at the Roller Garden. They have them on Monday nights. Now to just get through the next hurdle of work so that I can make those lessons.

Giving up or giving in?

Today, I made a decision. It's one that I've been thinking about for a while and it isn't one that comes easily.

I'm not doing Debs this year.

I'm not doing derby.

I don't know when or if I'll join again.

My life has become way too hectic. I ended up chatting with the new manager of the recreation league. I cried the entire time. In fact, I'm still crying, so I'm going to copy and paste the highlights of the conversation so that I don't have to completely relive it all over again and so that maybe it's coherent.

Me: I'm just...I don't know. In a funk. I've not had a chance to go skating since our last practice. I don't want to go skating. I sort of just want to hang out in a room with people who are doing their own thing and not talking. I'm worried that I'll be back down to pink because I've not worked on anything, that I'll never scrimmage because I can't make more than about half the practices. I wonder if I'm taking up someone's spot who would excel. I don't feel like I'm going to get better or if derby is really my thing. I like it when I'm there but I don't feel like I'm getting any better.

Her: The truth is, the only way you will get better is with consistent practice. That is true for everyone, not just you. If you can't commit to practicing once a week, I say defer from Debs and skate when you can on your own. You can find community in lots of places. You can still see people you love from Debs, you'll just have to be mindful about setting up times instead of counting on seeing them regularly on Sundays. You can find interesting, challenging workouts in lots of places, too. Plus, a workout once a week isn't going to help get you in shape or maintain fitness, so you have to decide what kind of time you can commit to that as well. What makes Debs click is a collective love of derby. If you don't have that, it's perfectly ok to bow out! It doesn't mean you have to stop skating - quite the opposite, because you can skate when and where it works with your schedule.

Me: I worry that I'd be quitting when I shouldn't. I worry my husband will be upset that he bought me new skates for my birthday last year and I've given up a year later.

Her: Don't look at it as giving up. You can always come back to derby if you want. At the very least, you have a lifetime sport which is super fucking fun. Go to a rink and just have fun skating. Those skates won't go to waste one little bit. Things are cyclical. Friendships, passions, interests. Same for everyone.

Me:

And the last year, I felt that even when I was at Debs, I wasn't connected with Debs. And I know a lot of that was my work schedule bollocking things up. And it's frustrating not being able to be there every week because I know I'm not getting better so I really feel like I don't have a spot I fit in because of that. Pink isn't right for me but neither is purple. And I've been debating this since about April. I already know that there will be 3 weeks straight in November that I can't make because of work. And that's a huge set back. But I enjoy the skating and the work outs. I love when I've had a chance to skate as a pack. I just also know that I don't live and breath derby. I enjoy it but it's not all that I think about or do. I feel like a jerk for staying but a jerk for leaving. 

Her: Oh, God, no one can or should do everything. My motto: pick a couple of things to do that you love and do them well.

 

Me: I know that in the past others have suggested I try Sats or that I should try to recapture my excitement because I'd regret it if I left.

 

Her: Instead, feel grateful that you found this uniquely rewarding sport and community that has left an indelible imprint on you.

 

Me: And part of me thinks I should just bugger on through this session since I've already got the insurance. But it's not something I've been excited about.

 

Her: No regrets.

 

Me: And I think I'd regret staying in right now.

 

Her: Well, there you go, then. This is supposed to be fun, dammit, not cause you additional stress.  

 

There are things missing that aren't as important. I've thought about staying so to not disappoint others but I don't want to be there. I'm loving parkour and everything else I'm doing. Skating has become a chore that I dread doing. It's not fun right now. I know that things aren't always fun when you work through them but I don't have a reason right now to go for myself. I have plenty of reasons to go for others but none for me. At the end of the day, that probably means I should step back for a while.

 

Am I going to miss it? I've already been missing it. My life just doesn't allow it. I can't even remember the last time I saw a bout. I know rules have changed but I don't know any of the details. I feel as lost as I did the first time I saw a bout.

 

Do I expect some of the people I've met through derby to forget about me? Yep. I've seen it happen to others and in some ways it has already started to happen to me. In a lot of ways, derby is a social/visual sport. If people don't see you, they tend to forget about you. Derby takes up so much time that if you aren't there devoting all your time with them, people in derby don't really have time for you.

 

Her words and advice reminded me of something I don't like to think about and that is that we have seasons in our lives. This is no longer my derby season. I need to respect that and live in it. I can always come back to derby.

 

There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What do people really get for all their hard work? I have thought about this in connection with the various kinds of work God has given people to do. God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to enjoy themselves as long as they can. Ecclesiastes 3:1-12

 

Or how I first learned these verses:

 

  

Becoming an athlete

I made a post the other day on facebook that read It's a good thing roller derby got me to accept that I'm an athlete. Biked around the lake again this morning. This is a huge change of who I am and it's one that I'm extremely proud of.

Growing up, I hated physical activity. Sweating was gross and shouldn't happen. I had the chance to ski practically wherever I wanted for little to no cost (it helps having a Grandpa heavily involved in the ski industry) but had no interest in it. It was cold and you went up high on the ski lift and it required using your body. My body and I haven't always been on the best terms. There are still times where I'm comically awkward. It was far worse when I was younger. My "sport" was marching band and even that was grudgingly despite the fact that I played flute/piccolo and eventually became the drum major. Being drum major was pretty cool though and it did require the least amount of physical work. Don't get me wrong, waving your hands around and knowing all of the music is hard work but at least I got to stand still.

I went to college where we had no marching band and my physical activity dwindled even more. I remember once asking my advisor why he was going to go work out after working in the scene shop. Surely that was enough physical activity. I believe his response was along the lines of "you'll understand when you're older." By my last year of college, I had hooked up with this guy who did drum corps so I decided to do drum corps. I still wasn't an athlete though. I was a musician who was performing a very physically intense show but not an athlete despite all the running and push-ups and other core work.

Then came derby.

For whatever naive reason, derby wasn't going to make me an athlete. I didn't understand how much the sport can and does transform a person. Suddenly I was interested in how and what my body could do. Of course, this came after the Angry period of Derby Break-up but my faith in derby, and women, was restored by being in Debs.

As I spent more time skating, I started to care more about my body. I wanted to eat better and I wanted to be more active. The relationship I was in at the time wasn't helpful for either of these and with the introduction of my now-husband, I not only became more active but also started eating a lot better.

That fall, I signed up for my second session with Debs. We did some initial testing to figure out where people needed to be placed. After our testing, I got an email from the head trainer, Hanna, titled "Holy cow!". She was entering data from our testing and noticed that I had gotten 23 laps. She went on to say, after a few exchanges "Not an athlete my ass ;)".

I still have this email. Why? Well, Google does let me keep all of my messages but more importantly, it was part of the turning point on how I view myself. That year, we had athlete contracts so that we all started to think of ourselves as athletes. I think there is a common misconception that athletes are people who compete. I was under this belief. My personal opinion is that the gym culture in the states has a lot to do with this where people go and work-out but don't think of themselves as using their bodies as an athlete does. They are fulfill some mental checklist to stay healthy. I'm not saying this is true for all of them but I'm pretty sure if you stopped by a local gym and asked people if they thought they were an athlete, they wouldn't. So for me, I thought I was only an athlete if I was competing in some way. But this turns out to not be true. Yes, derby is a sprot that involves competition, but more than that, it involves being an athlete. It became so much easier to do things, and to believe in myself, when I accepted that as a truth. The video below came out last summer, around the time of the 2012 Summer Olympics. It still speaks to me.

Hell and what's beyond

This isn't a surprise, but derby is hard.  Heck, most things that are really cool in life are hard.  That's why you work and practice at them. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Today was the final official practice of the 2012-2013 Debs. I was definitely teary-eyed by the end of it.

Last week we didn't have our regular practice because we had no space to work in. Originally, I was going to have to miss this practice as I had work scheduled at the same time as practice. Instead of regular practice, we went to one of the local roller rinks and skated around for a couple of hours. Some coaches showed up and helped us with questions we had. I'd been struggling with one skill on one side, but as soon as I showed it to the coach, I was able to do it. Go figure.

I really learned recently that I need to take care of myself better and part of doing that is going skating. It does mean carving out time whenever I can to do it though the weather we've been having this spring has delayed the start of outdoor skating.

So it was very important to me that I make practice this week. I even asked to not work the show today. I don't do that unless it's really, really important.

It was a hard practice. Hanna didn't take it easy on us just because it was the last practice. Part of me for some reason anticipated a similar feel to the last day of school in the pre-college years where you have fun but don't accomplish much. I was happily wrong on this count.

We all have different ideas of what hell is like and I don't mean in the Biblical sense. I'm thinking more of the thing that pushes you to a point of agony. Normally, this is a show with a dance floor and a lot of glitter and feathers. Today was it's own special version of hell. It's called 10 Minutes of Hell. We sprint. For 10 minutes. Without stopping. And it sucks. The body doesn't like to be pushed. My husband, before I met him, wrote a brilliant blog post that starts with the following: "Exercise doesn't make you tired.  That's your mind giving up because your body is uncomfortable."  It's normal to feel uncomfortable when you are pushing yourself hard. It's also normal to give up. What's incredible is pushing through the pain, the shortness of breath and continuing to move. It's incredible to be in the mindset where you fall but you automatically get back up and start sprinting again. It helps having a bunch of fellow athletes cheering you on when you stumble and those voices help to strengthen the internal one that keeps you moving. There was a time where I would have fallen and struggled to get back up and would have given up. Today, I am no longer that person. I fell twice during the 10 Minutes of Hell and got back up and started sprinting right away. I doubt I ever got my speed back up to where it had been as it was past the halfway mark that I fell the first time but I didn't give up.

After that, we had a lot of fun. There was jumping over giant cones on their side, which I'd never had the chance to do before. It was harder than I thought it would be but it was a lot of fun.

Towards the end we split into our 3 groups. It's amazing how few of us there are who aren't scrimmage ready! We had a lot of fun in the purple group, working on pushing through blockers. I learned a lot and feel really good. It's the closest I've been to playing derby. I've got a long way to go still but I know that I'm on the right track.

At the end, we all gathered together and mentioned something that we were proud of for the day or the session. I'm....overwhelmed with the beyond-amazingness of the women I skate with (yes, I made up a word). One had just finished chemotherapy in December and was in the purple group with me today. Another was just re-learning how to walk a year ago. I'm inspired by those I watch as I skate. One of the coaches, Jo I believe, mentioned that as we are all in our own heads thinking about how much we suck, we're an inspiration to everyone else as we get up and keep pushing. Hearing the hard things that these others have gone through makes me feel like my issues and struggles aren't that big of a deal. Of course, maybe they feel that way if they knew everything that I've had to struggle with. This is the point that I got teary-eyed. I interjected with a statement about how awesome everyone is for being there and trying even if they fall and how they make me feel like if they can deal with their stuff, then I can deal with mine. If it had been possible, I would have hugged every single person there today. I'm horrible with names or even recognizing people out of gear but they are all amazing. I'm proud and humbled to know the women that I do from skating with Debs. It's amazing to watch some of them now skating on the league. If you had told me 3 years ago that I would love knowing these women (I have a history of not getting on well with women; I don't tend to understand them and to be extremely intimidated by them) and that I'd be an athlete, I wouldn't have believed you. I'm proud to be an athlete and I know that it's not just about competing but about a lifestyle change, which is a process and it's one that I can tell I'm still in the midst of doing. And it's worth it.

So what's on the other side of hell and pain? Amazing love and joy. I thank God that He has given me a body that is capable of doing this mind-blowing things on skates and that He has led me to a place where I feel safe to struggle knowing that I will be encouraged and not put down.

Frustrations , failings and Ferret shock

I wrote this on 3/28/13 but the internet wasn't working at my house. Yes, I turned the things off and on again and nothing happened.

Frustrations

It's been a long week. Practice on Sunday was hard. Why? Well I spent the week before at a conference and the night before on a bus from Milwaukee. Of the little sleep I got, only about 2 hours was in an actual bed. On top of that, it was my first practice in nearly a month. Then, during practice, which was an awesome stride clinic, one of my trucks broke. It figures that my first practice back, I was done after being there for 30 minutes. Thankfully someone had a spare truck, the exact one I needed in fact, and I was able to get back on my skates. After I borrowed someone else's tool as mine was removed from my bag at some point.

This has been my life lately. Half-way thrown together with little things missing that end up making a big difference. I'm frustrated that I'm not able to practice or work-out as much as I want. I'm frustrated that my social life has been non-existent as of late. I mean, I'm home by myself all week with no husband or kids and what am I doing all week? Working shows or rehearsals. Monday was my only “off” night and I hurt from practice the day before (saying I hurt the day after a derby practice is like posting on facebook that it's snowing in Minnesota in the winter; it doesn't really need to be said or made a big deal out of but a lot of people do it. I'm working on not being one of those people). On top of that, the internet isn't working. I'm actually writing this in a word editor with the hopes that I'll eventually get to post it online.

All of this frustration has led to a nasty feeling.

Failings

It's been a rough month and a half for me. I made the grown up decision to send my cats to live with my mom. I've been swamped with work which means no derby practice for the most part and it also means little parkour classes either. The gym manages to get a woman instructor for a women's parkour class and when is it? Tuesday nights, which tends to be a busy night at work for me. I feel like I'm failing at life. I'm not able to keep up with friendships or projects or even myself. What I really need is the world to stop and take 15 so I can get caught up and not have more stuff pile up while I'm trying to catch up.

I'm missing people who aren't part of my life anymore. I miss ex-boyfriends in an odd way. There have been things that have happened lately that have reminded me of a few of them and I've wanted to reach out to them but I know better. That won't end well so I don't. I miss former friends. People I should probably un-friend from facebook but haven't because well...I don't know why. If I don't un-friend them, that means there might still be a chance, right? Highly doubtful but at least I can stay up-to-date and not feel awkward learning about things from a mutual friend. And I miss my friends. Before I'd even met my husband, I was often too busy to see people. Now that I'm married, it seems even worse probably because instead of impulsively spending dinner (and sometimes the night on the couch) with a friend, I go home to dinner and falling asleep at home.

This all probably stems from the same symptom.

Ferret Shock

Thanks to a webcomic known as Sluggy Freelance, I was introduced to the idea of Ferret Shock. If I ever want to change my derby name, I may in fact change it to this now that I see it on “paper”. Ferret Shock is what happens when Kiki, the ferret, is shown something extra shiny. She gets so overwhelmed that she just sort of shuts down. I kind of do the same thing except shiny has a much larger definition.

Imagine taking me into a shop. Since I've been on a knitting kick lately, let's imagine it's a yarn shop. It doesn't matter how much money I spend because even if I have specific projects in mind, I may never make everything that I want to. This is true of everything. I own books that I will probably never read. There are movies in this house that I may never watch, which I'm actually okay with because really, who over the age of 9 wants to watch a Barbie movie? I recently sold the complete DVD set of a TV series that my husband had bought his ex-wife while they were still married. Do you have any idea how many discs that was? A lot. She hasn't had them for years but she still wanted them and may have never even watched them. I'm just as guilty. I own TV series that I haven't gotten around to watching all of the discs I own. Some shows I've simply stopped watching “until I catch up” because I've gotten annoyed with the direction the show has taken.

It seems lately that I'm very aware of my mortality. Probably something to do with Easter. Either way, I think about these things and go into a bit of shock. I feel that I'm never going to accomplish anything because there is always more stuff. Libraries can be horrible places for me to go because sometimes I feel depressed that I'll never be able to read all of the books.

So what does this have to do with derby or parkour?

Everything.

It's easy to get overwhelmed and feel as though I won't ever accomplish anything when comparing myself. Even when I compare myself to myself, I can easily be overwhelmed. Knowing where I was and seeing how little I've improved because there hasn't not been the time is depressing and a bit debilitating. Watching others who started with you or after you advance because they have (or make) the time is just as bad. I could get a “normal” job (meaning one that happens between 9 am and 5 pm Monday through Friday) or go back to school and have more time but I would be even more miserable. I don't know.

I remember fairly early on being told that I would never be athletic enough to do roller derby. That scar is still there but it's healed because I know how wrong that person was to say that. It doesn't matter if I never make it onto a team. I know how unrealistic it is with the career path I've picked but that doesn't mean I can't try and have fun in the journey. I wouldn't even be here if it was for Betty introducing me to roller derby and giving me tickets to go watch my first bout. No matter how far I get with derby or parkour, I know that I owe it all to Betty and Rink. They encouraged me when I thought I'd never get anywhere. They loaned me gear to get me started and they've answered a million questions for me about everything. Betty helped me discover that roller derby is about self-discovery. I do know that if she didn't introduce me to this crazy world, I wouldn't be sitting here right now in the life I'm in. I wouldn't do parkour or be married. I don't think I'd even be knitting as much. Those years of listening to derby talk and not understanding it and finally getting it has been an important part of my path. I don't worship roller derby. I'm not obsessed nor do I fan-girl over it excessively. Perhaps it's my days working with famous performers that makes these goddesses on wheels more human to me, but I find it easy to interact with them and not go all goofy. Put me in the same room with my favorite band of all time and that will probably not be true. I don't need to know all the stats on all of the best players or all those other details that so many others know. I'll never be able to watch all of the derby bouts out there as there will always be more being played. Derby leagues seem to be popping up like wild flowers these days. I can barely make a bout due to my work schedule. There's no way I have the time to sit down and watch all of it on the internet.

And I'm okay with that. I don't have to enjoy derby or anything in life the same way that another person does. So long as I'm enjoying it and finding balance, then things are okay.

3 years later and stilling rolling

Valentine's day marked the 3rd year since I'd first put skates on in a hilarious attempt to go around a skating rink.

A lot has changed since then.

Due to the nature of my work and my life, I made a practice in October and then didn't skate at all until January. I kept meaning to go skating and things simply didn't work out and skating wasn't the priority.

The spring session of Debs has started off, though it was a rocky start. Our first practice, I had to work. Our next practice was canceled due to weather. That takes us to our third practice, my first one, where we spent some time on skates. I was extremely nervous because it was going to be my first time on skates since October. This was the first Sunday in February. I'll let you do the math.

To my surprise and delight, not only did I not suck, but I got compliments from the coaches! I was doing things well and I didn't feel unsteady or unsure. And it felt so good to be back on skates.

Of course, the next week, practice got canceled because of a horribly winter storm, though I did have a chance to skate during the week before. That meant Tuesday, the 12th, those of us who needed to do testing were going to meet at the guys' practice space.

Last session I had made it into the intermediate (purple) group, managed to make a few practices and then fell off the face of the derby world. I realized that the odds were not in my favor to still staying in purple but I wanted to try and I'm extremely glad that I did.

Due to this practice being added to my already insane schedule, I got there just in time for us to start and didn't have much of a chance to try out the floor. I think this was actually a good thing for me as it meant that I couldn't obsess over it. While we waited for the girls trying out for the scrimmage group to finish doing their 25 in 5, we chatted about what to expect and did some work off to the side. There was a grand total of 5 of us there for the purple group.

We started with the 25 in 5 so that the coaches could see how we'd do with the other skills when we were tired. Historically, I've gotten so far into my head with the 25 in 5 that I've always failed. This time, before I got onto the track, I prayed that I could just skate and not get into my head and freak out. And then we started. Normally, I fall during the first couple of laps and then during the last couple of laps. This time? I didn't fall once. In the first minute, I'd already completed 5 laps. I was done with my 10th lap just before the 2 minute mark (I had a counter and the coach who was timing was calling out time marks otherwise I wouldn't have any clue). In fact, I completed all 25 laps with 2 seconds to spare! I think I'm still in a bit of shock about this and it still feels a little unreal that 2 days short of my 3 year "anniversary" of skating I managed to do the 25 in 5. It's something that a lot of people struggle with and it is hard. You doubt yourself for a second and that can cost you the chance to finish by half a lap. I write this because one of the other girls did just that.

The rest of the testing was rather straight forward and a bit of a blur now. I had a lot going on this last week and so I wasn't getting into my head and freaking out, which helped a lot. It was interesting to me that the girls I was testing with all asked me why I was there because I had made it last session and why wasn't I testing for the scrimmage group. I pointed out that I had disappeared in the middle of the session and simply never made it back and while I had read the email about testing as a statement that to make it back into purple, I had to be there (meaning anyone who had made purple before), I knew that I definitely had to be there since it had been so long.

And I made it! The girls with me were all convinced that I had it in the bag but I knew how shaky I was compared with where I had been and I wasn't completely convinced. And if I hadn't made it, at least I knew I could make the 25 in 5. And sure enough, one of the comments I got was that I'm a lot more stable when I'm skating more often but that I should easily get back to where I was now that I'm back on skates.

I think there are several things that made a difference this time around for me. First in my faith and leaning on it when I'd otherwise just go into my head and be slightly neurotic. More interesting for me was the fact that while I was too busy to go skating, I kept being active. In the past when I've been too busy to skate, I've not gone out of my way to stay active. This time I did. A combination of parkour and yoga and general working out helped keep me in shape and I think it had a lot to do with keeping me in the purple group.