Emerging from the silence

It's been a while since I've written about my fitness and skating. Work has sped up and slowed down and sped up again. This makes it hard to do anything consistently. I've managed to go skating a few times and definitely have missed the feel of wheels under my feet. However, I'm not entirely sure I miss derby.

The game has certainly evolved since the last time I went to a bout (new rules have been released at least once if not twice since the last time I went to a bout). I sometimes wonder if people miss me and I'm sure that some do but I completely get the "out of sight, out of mind" reality of it. When you're pushing your body through those practices, you don't have time to think about who isn't there. You're too busy pushing yourself and supporting the people who are there. When I was still active, there were other women that I would reach out to on facebook when I realized that I truly hadn't seen them for a while (this was hard for me to judge as I was often not around a lot). I know a few of them were very touched that I had messaged them because it seemed that no one else had done so.

I miss the skating. I miss the hard work. I miss the people. I don't know if I miss the game though. I can certainly get my butt kicked doing other things and I can skate and enjoy that. It's hard to be completely into something when you can't be around. At the end of last year, I looked at my work schedule and realized that I'd be available for even fewer practice sessions than I had in the fall. As much as I wanted to sign up and be able to do it, it made even less sense. I did eventually get on skates again, but it was honestly after the new year. I haven't made a bout yet. There have been a few times that I could have gone, if I didn't mind going after a long day at work (it's exhausting to listen to talks on international politics and peace keeping) or skipping out on something else, like sleep. There's one more bout in the MNRG season left and as much as I want to go and cheer on my former Debs team mates, I know it's probably not going to happen. That will make two seasons where I've not managed to make a bout and that makes me sad. It's certainly not out of laziness. It's mostly about my job. I guess that's a big down side to work in theatre.

I've not been too active in parkour lately either. Frankly, it's been a rotten start to the new year. I've tried squeezing in parkour classes and never seem to have enough time. I can plot things out but it seems I'm not able to predict how intense work or life is going to be, which ends up keeping me from class. Add into it the worst winter I've ever experienced in Minnesota and there were days that I just didn't leave the house. It was safer that way. The next time I do make it to Fight or Flight Academy, I'm investing in a punch card. The last several months that I've paid for a number of classes for the month (4 classes), I usually end up only making 2 or 3 classes. Better to go with a punch card that I can use whenever and that I'll actually get the full value out of it.

Additionally, I've found a yoga center I like. They do hot yoga and barre classes. My favorite yoga classes are at 9 pm and then I sleep really well. I've taken 3 barre classes and each one seems to be getting harder. Barre is a combination of yoga, pilates and ballet work. I've taken the class with a different instructor each time. The first two times were the 60 minute classes. Today I took the 75 minute class. It was the hardest so far. It was harder than most derby practices. I think this is mostly due to the fact that when we do some drills in derby, we were usually in some sort of line, so you'd get a bit of a break. Not so with barre. You just keep going, with a beat. It never seems to end. While I learned where my core was doing roller derby, I seem to be on a path to beat it into submission with barre. There is a part of me, when we're doing work with the bar, that feels like the dream of being a ballerina is coming true. I've yet to break it to myself that I'm not going to be dancing on stage, but maybe I can get the body of a dancer and then learn how to dance on my skates. That's still one of my goals. I've been looking into dancing lessons at the Roller Garden. They have them on Monday nights. Now to just get through the next hurdle of work so that I can make those lessons.

Becoming an athlete

I made a post the other day on facebook that read It's a good thing roller derby got me to accept that I'm an athlete. Biked around the lake again this morning. This is a huge change of who I am and it's one that I'm extremely proud of.

Growing up, I hated physical activity. Sweating was gross and shouldn't happen. I had the chance to ski practically wherever I wanted for little to no cost (it helps having a Grandpa heavily involved in the ski industry) but had no interest in it. It was cold and you went up high on the ski lift and it required using your body. My body and I haven't always been on the best terms. There are still times where I'm comically awkward. It was far worse when I was younger. My "sport" was marching band and even that was grudgingly despite the fact that I played flute/piccolo and eventually became the drum major. Being drum major was pretty cool though and it did require the least amount of physical work. Don't get me wrong, waving your hands around and knowing all of the music is hard work but at least I got to stand still.

I went to college where we had no marching band and my physical activity dwindled even more. I remember once asking my advisor why he was going to go work out after working in the scene shop. Surely that was enough physical activity. I believe his response was along the lines of "you'll understand when you're older." By my last year of college, I had hooked up with this guy who did drum corps so I decided to do drum corps. I still wasn't an athlete though. I was a musician who was performing a very physically intense show but not an athlete despite all the running and push-ups and other core work.

Then came derby.

For whatever naive reason, derby wasn't going to make me an athlete. I didn't understand how much the sport can and does transform a person. Suddenly I was interested in how and what my body could do. Of course, this came after the Angry period of Derby Break-up but my faith in derby, and women, was restored by being in Debs.

As I spent more time skating, I started to care more about my body. I wanted to eat better and I wanted to be more active. The relationship I was in at the time wasn't helpful for either of these and with the introduction of my now-husband, I not only became more active but also started eating a lot better.

That fall, I signed up for my second session with Debs. We did some initial testing to figure out where people needed to be placed. After our testing, I got an email from the head trainer, Hanna, titled "Holy cow!". She was entering data from our testing and noticed that I had gotten 23 laps. She went on to say, after a few exchanges "Not an athlete my ass ;)".

I still have this email. Why? Well, Google does let me keep all of my messages but more importantly, it was part of the turning point on how I view myself. That year, we had athlete contracts so that we all started to think of ourselves as athletes. I think there is a common misconception that athletes are people who compete. I was under this belief. My personal opinion is that the gym culture in the states has a lot to do with this where people go and work-out but don't think of themselves as using their bodies as an athlete does. They are fulfill some mental checklist to stay healthy. I'm not saying this is true for all of them but I'm pretty sure if you stopped by a local gym and asked people if they thought they were an athlete, they wouldn't. So for me, I thought I was only an athlete if I was competing in some way. But this turns out to not be true. Yes, derby is a sprot that involves competition, but more than that, it involves being an athlete. It became so much easier to do things, and to believe in myself, when I accepted that as a truth. The video below came out last summer, around the time of the 2012 Summer Olympics. It still speaks to me.

3 years later and stilling rolling

Valentine's day marked the 3rd year since I'd first put skates on in a hilarious attempt to go around a skating rink.

A lot has changed since then.

Due to the nature of my work and my life, I made a practice in October and then didn't skate at all until January. I kept meaning to go skating and things simply didn't work out and skating wasn't the priority.

The spring session of Debs has started off, though it was a rocky start. Our first practice, I had to work. Our next practice was canceled due to weather. That takes us to our third practice, my first one, where we spent some time on skates. I was extremely nervous because it was going to be my first time on skates since October. This was the first Sunday in February. I'll let you do the math.

To my surprise and delight, not only did I not suck, but I got compliments from the coaches! I was doing things well and I didn't feel unsteady or unsure. And it felt so good to be back on skates.

Of course, the next week, practice got canceled because of a horribly winter storm, though I did have a chance to skate during the week before. That meant Tuesday, the 12th, those of us who needed to do testing were going to meet at the guys' practice space.

Last session I had made it into the intermediate (purple) group, managed to make a few practices and then fell off the face of the derby world. I realized that the odds were not in my favor to still staying in purple but I wanted to try and I'm extremely glad that I did.

Due to this practice being added to my already insane schedule, I got there just in time for us to start and didn't have much of a chance to try out the floor. I think this was actually a good thing for me as it meant that I couldn't obsess over it. While we waited for the girls trying out for the scrimmage group to finish doing their 25 in 5, we chatted about what to expect and did some work off to the side. There was a grand total of 5 of us there for the purple group.

We started with the 25 in 5 so that the coaches could see how we'd do with the other skills when we were tired. Historically, I've gotten so far into my head with the 25 in 5 that I've always failed. This time, before I got onto the track, I prayed that I could just skate and not get into my head and freak out. And then we started. Normally, I fall during the first couple of laps and then during the last couple of laps. This time? I didn't fall once. In the first minute, I'd already completed 5 laps. I was done with my 10th lap just before the 2 minute mark (I had a counter and the coach who was timing was calling out time marks otherwise I wouldn't have any clue). In fact, I completed all 25 laps with 2 seconds to spare! I think I'm still in a bit of shock about this and it still feels a little unreal that 2 days short of my 3 year "anniversary" of skating I managed to do the 25 in 5. It's something that a lot of people struggle with and it is hard. You doubt yourself for a second and that can cost you the chance to finish by half a lap. I write this because one of the other girls did just that.

The rest of the testing was rather straight forward and a bit of a blur now. I had a lot going on this last week and so I wasn't getting into my head and freaking out, which helped a lot. It was interesting to me that the girls I was testing with all asked me why I was there because I had made it last session and why wasn't I testing for the scrimmage group. I pointed out that I had disappeared in the middle of the session and simply never made it back and while I had read the email about testing as a statement that to make it back into purple, I had to be there (meaning anyone who had made purple before), I knew that I definitely had to be there since it had been so long.

And I made it! The girls with me were all convinced that I had it in the bag but I knew how shaky I was compared with where I had been and I wasn't completely convinced. And if I hadn't made it, at least I knew I could make the 25 in 5. And sure enough, one of the comments I got was that I'm a lot more stable when I'm skating more often but that I should easily get back to where I was now that I'm back on skates.

I think there are several things that made a difference this time around for me. First in my faith and leaning on it when I'd otherwise just go into my head and be slightly neurotic. More interesting for me was the fact that while I was too busy to go skating, I kept being active. In the past when I've been too busy to skate, I've not gone out of my way to stay active. This time I did. A combination of parkour and yoga and general working out helped keep me in shape and I think it had a lot to do with keeping me in the purple group.

Adventures on ice and injuries later

On the 23rd, for the first time since I was about 13 or 14, I went ice skating. Back then, I had issues with most athletic activities. I liked the idea of skating (I use to have an American Girl doll, Samantha, and her winter story involved ice skating) but the actually activity was hard. Both times that I remember skating, I skated outside on a lake or pond. That's how ice skating is suppose to be done. Once, a now ex-boyfriend talked about ice skating while in Alabama and I was very confused. It hadn't occurred to me that people could skate on indoor ice rinks.

Now, so many years later, I got to try ice skating again. This time, I had roller skating experience and I wasn't doing it in hopes of holding hands with a cute boy (yes, that was true back then). We went to an indoor rink because while my step-daughters own ice skates, the rest of us in the family don't. I wish we had planned the location a little better but I've not had to work it out before. The place we went to, the Depot Ice Rink, was like going to the Roller Garden except it was ice instead of roller skating.

We got there and eventually got onto the ice. There was a bit of drama but that eventually passed. The strange thing was getting onto the ice. Ice is normally rather slippery. Derby has actually helped my ability to walk on ice. It felt exactly like the first time I went roller skating except I didn't wipe out. I also had more knowledge of what my body can do than when I first went roller skating.

Between all the moments of needing to tighten and loosen skates and discover that owned skates were too small, I had barely any time skating. Eventually, everyone settled down and I was able to skate. During one of these moments going around the rink, I looked over at my husband with, what I imagine to be, a look of sheer delight. Ice skates have edges! Two edges on each skate in fact! (No, I had no idea. I honestly believed that the skate was just pointy on the bottom.)

It was just like roller skating for a brief moment and I suddenly remembered the stride clinics at derby practice and all the working on inside and outside edges. With barely any effort, I was suddenly moving much faster as I pushed off the edges.

Having not been on skates in far too long (October I believe...), I was certainly able to feel this in my legs and feet. All of those muscles I haven't really used in a while were letting me know that they weren't too happy with me. It wasn't nearly as relaxing as skating can be as I was trying to move on a smaller surface with smaller edges than I'm use to. I certainly didn't like the narrow bar down the center of my feet.  But it was good to be back on skates of some sort. Of course, it also made me miss roller skating a lot.

Winter break and holidays being what they are (and we had the kids for the first half of it), it was too crazy for more skating. However, we had already paid for some parkour classes and needed to get them in before the end of the month. The plan was to take a class on the 27th and then on the 31st so we'd get all of our classes in. The 27th fell through but we were able to make a class on the 29th.

Less than 10 minutes into class, I managed to hurt myself rather impressively. I was doing a wall run where I placed one foot on the wall to push myself up and then the other foot to push away from the wall, doing a 180 degree spin and then landing. The move is called a tic tac. According to my husband, I was a good 4' in the air. Now my landing...well it sucked. I managed to land on the left side of my left foot. Thankfully my derby training taught me to just relax instead of stiffening up. My foot felt like it had fallen asleep and was just starting to wake back up.

My husband helped me hobble over to the futon in the gym while the instructor got me an ice pack. For the next 10 minutes or so, I put ice on it and kept it elevated. It hurt. I was able to get my shoe back on and do some arm exercises with rings (very useful and fun and hard at the same time).

It's now a week later and there are bruises on my foot and I've been extremely inactive because of not wanting to hurt my foot further. Thanks to derby, I already knew about R.I.C.E. (Rest Ice Compression Elevation) but the internet taught me about P.R.I.C.E. where "P" means protect from further injury. This ended up meaning that the last 3 days of my vacation were spent with my foot propped up and me not really moving. And when work resumed, I did a lot of office work and took short days (also, it's the last time I'll be able to take short days until who-knows-when). I'm still frustrated that my foot hurts, especially when it gets accidentally kicked or I have to sit out of a parkour class  and especially because it means I haven't been able to go skating. I'm also thankful that I'm not hurt worse. It could be a lot worse and it's certainly been a lot of pain. Normally when I get hurt, I usually go to my chiropractor and he fixes things. I'm not too sure about a foot. My husband hurt his ankle back in November and it took a few weeks for it to not hurt anymore. It'll probably be the same for me. I'm glad that it doesn't hurt to put weight on it though it does feel tight, I know that I can at least still walk.

Drum Corps to Derby to Parkour

Last weekend, I gave one of  my derby coaches a ride into practice. On our way there, she asked me how parkour was going and if I'd done it "in the wild". The more interesting question that she asked was this: Would I have done parkour if it wasn't for Debu-Taunts? She asked after I talked about knowing that it'll take me years to be able to do any of the really cool things that I see the coaches and the other people I try with do because I know that they've taken years to be able to do it. And honestly, no, I wouldn't have even tried parkour if I hadn't gotten involved in roller derby and the Debu-Taunts. To be fair, I probably wouldn't have done derby if I hadn't done drum corps.

Until I started doing derby, drum corps has been the hardest physical activity I'd been involved in. We ran. A lot. While breathing. In tempo. I remember one time that the horn players were told that the next one of us to drop our horns lower than where they should be would be forced to stand there while the rest of the corps ran a lap around the field. A couple of soprano players (trumpet sized bugle) dropped their angle and we all had to run while they stood there, knowing that they had let everyone else down by not doing their part. We spent all summer perfecting an 11 minute show. We did push-ups and practiced in the rain. Recently, I pulled out my old tour video and watched it.

Yes, that's really me.  No, my hair isn't that short anymore.

It's amazing how tan I was after that summer (and I did use sunscreen all summer but when you're outside all day, you end up getting tan regardless) and how awful my hair looks short. The other amazing thing is how tight of a team we were by the time we got to quarter finals. We laid it all out on the field and gave our best performance. Our coaches and staff told us to be proud of ourselves because we didn't hold back and that no matter what, no one would ever be able to take away the feeling that we were having. No score would ever change what we had done.

Fast-forward to a couple of years ago, long past my time doing drum corps. This fall is my fourth session in Debs. I've been hesitant about blogging because there is just so much to say that I don't know if I can even manage to get it all out. There have been some really awesome things like making it through sections of our jumping drills or managing to do real push-ups. But there have also been things that have gotten to me like freaking out over being timed to do as many laps as possible in 5 minutes or the fact that skating wasn't my priority this past summer. Yet there have been some amazing changes this session that I have seen in myself.

Our first on skates practice, we were told to be ready at 4pm, meaning on skates and in gear and ready to go. Since a couple of people showed up just a little before 4, they weren't ready. So the rest of us did push-ups and crunches until they were ready. My mind went straight back to those moments in drum corps when we had to do similar. It sucks to do them but it sucks even more to be the person who is causing it to be done. It hasn't happened since and while I know I mentally groaned, I didn't get bent out of shape for having to do it.

The day we did skill assessments, I was in my head even before I got to practice. I was convinced last year that I would make it into the contact ready group. I didn't. It took all year to figure out that it was because of my priorities (job is higher than derby in most cases) prevented me from being consistent in my training. By not being at practice every week, I wasn't able to build on what I was learning. In some ways, I was having to start at the same point every time instead of moving forward. I wasn't sure I could handle another session in the pink (beginner) group. Not that I don't have things to work on but I know I've moved past being terrified of being on wheels. As we worked through the different skill evaluations, I realized that we were oddly numbered at times. I ended up doing some of the drills more than once (one of them, the falling drill, I wanted to do again for my own peace of mind to show myself that I can do better double knee falls than I had done). Instead of letting someone finish on their own, I skated with them because even if we don't compete, we are a team. I know how many times it's helped me complete something when there's been someone else doing it besides me.

Non-skating bruise, but look at the pretty purple.

To my great shock and surprise, I've been moved up to the contact ready group. It's a new intermediate level, so we aren't scrimmaging but we are able to start hitting each other. I will admit to kind of being obsessive about checking my facebook status for the first several days afterwards to see the words I had posted about making contact ready. I may have even giggled in delight in seeing my name on the list of the purple (contact) group. Now I chuckle to myself that the contact group is the purple group because that's the color of bruises.



This was all a couple of weeks ago and I've since had my first contact practice. I think we were all eager and nervous about starting. I say this with confidence because we were thinking too much. Before we gave and received our first hits, we worked on driving, or pushing, someone right next to us. When we were simply skating next to each other with slimy spines (like a cat, leaning completely up against each other), we had no problems. Yet as soon as we were suppose to do something else, we all started to have issues, the main one being that we were no longer slimy.

It's hard sometimes to not think about something new. There's the question of where my weight goes and am I steering with the correct foot. Eventually, we'll get to the point where we just do it without thinking. Even now, we shouldn't think because it causes us to doubt ourselves.

Tonight, my husband and I went to a parkour class. As we drove down, he asked what was on my mind as I seemed inside my head. This wasn't a good sign. When we started to do warm-ups, I noticed that I was inside my head. I have no idea where I was in it, but I was definitely inside of it. I wondered if I should just stop then and not continue with class but it seems there's a strong streak of stubbornness in my family. Hoping that once I was working my body, I would get out of my head, I went ahead. We were working on vaults and there were a lot of us. In theory, vaults are easy. Especially when you use your upper body a lot, which I don't. I probably do more than others since I work in theatre but most of my power is in my legs.

The first vaults we ran through went well enough.


I'm still not confident enough about doing a speed vault, so I tend to do safety vaults, and I'm sure I could probably go faster on them. Then we got to the vault I hate most. I hate this vault more than I hate any of the plyometrics we've done in derby. This vault is difficult and awkward. The kong vault. Now for guys, it's not nearly as awkward but I am well endowed. Additionally, as a woman, my body is built differently than a man's so I can't just do what they do. I avoided going to the vault classes for a month once because they were focusing on kong vaults. That's how much I hate them. As we were reviewing them and working through an obstacle course, I was at the end of the line (there may have been one person behind me). This way, I would hopefully get some distance before a line of teenage boys (and my husband) got behind me, watching me struggle with this vault. I know from derby that I shouldn't care what others think and that I shouldn't compare myself to others but it's hard. It's hard watching these teenage punks (and my husband) effortlessly do something that seems impossible to me.


Easy, right? Except for that whole "getting your knees between your arms" bit, which I struggle with a lot. Sometimes I mentally blame derby because so much of what we do needs our knees apart (no really! for balance and stuff) that it's weird to have my knees together. There's also an exercise we do for derby called frog leaps (I also hate these, but not nearly as much as I hate kong vaults) where our arms are between our legs. I'm pretty sure I'm giving my body mixed messages (ie, fall in parkour, slap the ground and have your hands open; four point fall in derby, tuck in your fingers so no one rolls over them) but I'm hoping the differences in gear and environment is keeping too many wires from getting crossed.

Tonight, I got one-ish kong vault looking thing. I attempted a second and I was in my head, so much so that my instructors noticed. At least if I was freaking out over something specific (vaulting over bars is scary; I don't want to do a face plant), I could at least figure out a way to deal with it. Instead, I was simply wandering around in my head as though I was lost. As I struggled doing this a second time, on a higher beam, I got more frustrated. It's been a month since I'd gone to class (work/home life getting in the way) and I tend to be really hard on myself even when I know my circumstances. The more frustrated I got, the harder it became.  A comment was then made about watching my shins. I know it was suppose to be playful but I was way past the point of frustration. That ended up being the end of class for me. I walked away and calmed down enough to come back and watch what everyone else was doing. I was far too self-conscious to try anything else. One of the boys in the class did ask if I was okay, making sure I hadn't gotten hurt. How does one explain a bruised ego to a teenage boy though? It's not that I don't think they'd understand but more that I think they wouldn't understand the point. It's much easier in the abstract to say that I'm not going to be so hard on myself and that I know that it's something that takes time and work. When trying to do so in reality, sometimes frustration wins out.

Yet again, it all leads back to drum corps. If I can learn how to play a baritone bugle (I'm a flute player) in less than six months to successfully march in a drum corps, then I can certainly try roller skating. If I can go from not being able to stand, on carpet, in the worst skates (roller rink rentals) ever to learning to hit other women in two and a half years, then I can try parkour. In some ways, drum corps was easy. I'd done marching band and I studied music. I'd never done it so intensely, in the heat, never really knowing what state I was in, but I had a background that made it easier. Before I went to a roller rink on Valentine's day 2010, I don't think I'd ever put on skates. Maybe once at a family reunion a million years ago (the late 1980s) and if I did, I probably stayed on the grass and didn't actually skate on them. The most physical activity I'd done to that point was drum corps and work. I took a little bit of karate in college so I knew I had some form of coordination but that was about it.

That means for parkour, I'm already doing a physical activity in roller derby. I have a background there. I know how to move my body, mostly. I understand the importance of landing on the balls of my feet and bending my knees. There is a foundation. In my childhood, I didn't play on the monkey bars and do the crazy bar flips. I was afraid of heights and deemed such activities a sure sign of insanity. When we had a gymnastics unit in elementary school gym class, I could do a front roll and that was about it. Already, I've moved leaps and bounds ahead of where I was when I started parkour in June. If I can be working on cartwheels and vaults and jumping at walls on purpose in less than 5 months, how much more will I be able to do in two and a half years? I'm guessing it'll be a lot more.

Better Every Day

In that period of time between graduating from college and finding a real job, I decided to run away and join a drum corps for the summer. No, seriously. I had no idea what I was going to do after college, so I decided to learn a completely new instrument and ride around on a bus, touring the US while learning an 11 minute show.

That 11 minutes would change my life.

It's been almost a decade since that summer and I still look back on it fondly. A small part of me regrets part of the reason I did it, which was to prove to someone else (another drum corps) that I could march in a division I corps. (Note: Back when I marched, there were 3 divisions of competition. Division I was the elite and large drum corps) Yet, even for that crummy reason to march (this is why I didn't start skating again just to prove to some people in a small league that I could do it; they wouldn't care and it would be the wrong attitude), I learned a lot of valuable things from it.

We marched with the motto of "Better Every Day". Too often in life, we're worried about how we compare to others and we want to be better than them. In my drum corps, The Pioneer, Better Every Day was about self. You never compared yourself (in theory) to your peers but to yourself. Yesterday, you could hold the horn up for 2 minutes without getting shaky arms, then today you strive for 2.5 minutes. It was about seeing the small improvements and then being able to look back over a period of time and seeing how big all of those small improvements really were.

This was probably one of the best things I learned because man has it come in handy over the years.

Last summer, I was epically sick and could barely breath, so I didn't skate much until just before Debs started up again. This summer, it's been a matter of priorities. Over the course of the summer, I've come to terms with the fact that skating isn't my number one priority and that this is an Okay Thing. I work a very demanding job and I'm newly married AND I'm suddenly a Parental Figure. Responsibilities have changed as has my time commitments. Instead of freaking out and despairing melodramatically about how I'm stuck in a place and how Everyone Else Has Surpassed Me, I'm thinking more about the little things that I have improved on.

I can look back on this blog and read all of the things that I can now do, but the biggest one has been my change in confidence and attitude. I'm so happy for my Deb sisters who made it through boot camp and thrilled at those who were drafted. I know that I'm going to be far below in skill compared to those who didn't get drafted but hey, they just spent a summer getting their butts kicked by roller girls. They worked *hard* all summer and I know that it's not a commitment I can make in my life right now. This is also an Okay Thing. It's hard work and I enjoy it and I love how much I've improved.

Saturday I took a free parkour class offered at Fight or Flight Academy and then had an hour to kill before the class I was taking as part of my membership. So what did I do in that hour to stay limber? I went and found a place to skate for a bit. This was, annoyingly, my first time on my Antiks and to say I love them is a huge understatement. They felt like an extension of me. It was amazing! I didn't have much time on them between trying to find a place to skate, my husband calling and then having to get back to the gym, but it was a blast.

It was actually that second class that inspired me to write. One of the biggest things I've been learning in parkour is how to change downward momentum into forward momentum. This involves rolling. My dear husband has challenged me to be able to do a roll while wearing skates. I'm not entirely sure that this will ever happen but then I never thought I'd do parkour or derby either, so we'll see.

At 4pm on Saturdays, the gym offers two parkour classes; a beginner's class and a 30+ class. Often the two classes are lumped together but yesterday I was asked what I wanted to work on. I was surprised to learn that I was going to get my own 30+ class, which would really be more like a private lesson as I was the only one who qualified for that age group. I asked if we could work on rolling because it's been one of my weak points. I then spent an hour rolling and doing various exercises to improve my rolls.

Having spent two years learning how to fall on my knees and to fall small, it's been interesting trying to roll long. Rolling long means that my energy and momentum is moving forward instead of down, which would be into the ground and hurt. It's been really frustrating (and makes me dizzy) to keep trying these rolls and only feeling myself flop onto the ground and do something that isn't at all like a roll. Yet, over the course of the hour, Skinny, the trainer, started to point out all of the little things that were improving in my rolls. They were smoother. This one was longer. Once I started using my legs (there's a blog post about explosives legs being in derby and parkour somewhere in my head) and arms, instead of just letting them exist, I got more power in my rolls and could stand up. By the time we were done (Skinny insisted that I end on a good note), I was actually doing shoulder rolls that looked and felt how they were suppose to, mostly. 

It felt really good to hear that I should be working on and celebrating the small improvements because over time, they will become big ones. It was also encouraging to hear that all of these things require constant training and that you never stop working on the basics.

Over the course of the afternoon, I could feel all of those small changes and how big of a change they've had in me. I know that tomorrow I will be better at skating than I was today because I'm working on things off my skates and finding time to get back on my skates. Tomorrow, I'll get better at parkour because I'll find time to work on one thing to improve some muscle.

I am thankful that there's about 3 weeks left until Debs starts up again because I know I'm going to need it. I'm not sure where skating and derby are going to land on my overall priority list but I do know that my main goal is to get better every day.

Crosstraining

During the season, we do what is called dry land practices. This is a brutal off skates practice that helps us to build muscles and endurance so that we're better on our skates. I love and loathe these practices. It's awesome what I can get my body to do when I push it hard but the next two days usually suck as I hurt everywhere.

It is strongly recommended (though not required; remember, I'm in a recreational league) to do dry lands on our own and to do some cross training to build up muscles and endurance. I've gotten better at doing some exercises on my own, mostly balance and core exercises, and eventually the endurance will be come once my bike is repaired by my husband, which will happen after our bedroom is finished. Why are there never enough hours in the day? The great thing is that he use to bike hundreds of miles in a day. He's not at that level anymore, but he's going to help increase my endurance by getting me to keep up with how far he goes.

But I wanted more than just core work and biking. My husband also trains in parkour and after some nudging, he's gotten me into it. So what is parkour?

According to wikipedia, "parkour is a physical discipline and non-competitive sport which focuses on efficient movement around obstacles", but what does that end up looking like? It looks something like this:


I can't actually do any of that. Yet. I mean, I've only been training since the beginning of June but it reminds me a lot of derby.

The guy in the video, he's one of the trainers and owners at Fight of Flight Academy and he's said some things that have really stuck with me and reinforce what I've already learned in derby.

Keep trying and training and remember where you are now because in a week, a month and a year, you will have improved if you keep training.

This isn't an accurate quote but the meaning is there. Within the gym, there are areas that are deemed impossible and they practically are impossible. I've learned though that sometimes traceurs (this is what someone who does parkour is called) work on something not to succeed at it but to push themselves harder. Last week, the class I took got to experience these areas. Watching our trainer attempt to do a move and fail because it's so difficult helped me to know that it's okay if I fail. He then pointed out that even though you may never be able to do that move, over time, you can look back and see how far you've come. He also pointed out that you're still working the muscles, so it's not a waste to do the move as best you can.

This mindset helps so much in derby. My first session of Debs, all I could see was my weaknesses. I thought it was being realistic when really, it was preventing me from improving. It took others pointing out how far I'd come that I was able to appreciate where I was then. Even though there are still things I struggle with, there are so many things that have improved and I can easily look back and remember when it was deemed, by myself, impossible to do those things. It's also a good reminder that you just can't show up once a week and expect to improve. You must continue to train and only then will you see improvement.

Commit to your move

Often in roller derby, I've not committed to something. Sometimes it's a stop, sometimes it's turning around. It's even been not committing to just staying standing. By not committing, I'm giving myself permission to fail. That lack of commitment automatically leads to failure as I don't believe I can do it.

Guess what? The same is true in parkour.

Last week in class, we were learning a new (to me) move. We'd already been training for a while and we were building up to more complicated moves. There were several times that I failed. It didn't take much for the problem to be found. It wasn't my shoes or my abilities. It was that I hadn't committed to the move. The times when I was close to making the move or when I did get it right, I was committed to doing it and I knew I would do it. When I hesitated or simply didn't give it my all, I failed. I was trying to learn how to do a shoulder roll (think a somersault, but going at an angle). At one point, I simply ended up flopping onto the ground and roll on my side. Before anything was said to me, I blurted out "I know, I wasn't committed!" That lack of commitment kind of hurts. We train on mats but it still hurts to just flop down onto a floor with mats. While I was a bit dizzy at that point, that really doesn't excuse deciding to not commit. It's the same thing when I'm on skates. If I'm not going to commit to a movement, I shouldn't do it as it'll just end up hurting.

Get out of your head

One of my biggest problems with skating is that I think too much. My coaches always know when I'm in my head and it's often because I'm trying to figure out what my body is suppose to be doing instead of letting it do it. These times are when I screw up the most. When I stop thinking, things flow and suddenly my body knows what I'm doing.

I have approached obstacles in my parkour class and stopped dead in front of it because I started thinking. It's often the thought that this is kind of scary or trying to figure out which leg goes where but I end up not being able to do it. It's funny how active thought can cause the body to stop functioning.

When I went to Colorado over the 4th of July holiday, I ended up needing to blow off some steam. I went for a walk and eventually came to a parking lot. Since starting parkour (it's very addicting), I've started to look at my environment differently and wondering if I can move over obstacles instead of around them. (The same thing happened with skating except it was more a question of what it would be like to skate on a particular surface.) In almost a zen state of mind, I started doing safety vaults in the parking lot. By the time I was done, I was running at the barriers in front of me and vaulting over them successfully. Except when I started to think about what I was doing. I wanted to work on a couple of other vaults and couldn't quite remember how the are executed but thinking about it caused me to essentially freeze up and not be able to do anymore vaults.

No Pain, No Gain?

After dry land practices, we're told that we're going to feel it in our muscles the next day and that this is a good thing because it means we worked hard. I get the same thing with parkour. The funny thing is that even though it hurts and I'm sore and moving seems a bit too much, I no longer think of it as pain. A couple of years ago, being out of breath and having my core be aching would have been torture and more pain than I could handle. Today? I like the feeling. I feel alive and accomplished. Every time I leave feeling exhausted, I want to do it again. I've even taken parkour classes two days in a row. This may not have been my best idea ever, but it was an amazing feeling. I think I need to come up with a new phrase as I'm gaining so much (working on balance and core as well as some of the mental road blocks) but it's no longer seen as pain. If there has been nothing else that I've gained from derby (and there's been a LOT), I know that this change in attitude has made my life so much more than it's ever been.

Why Do I Skate?

It's been a rough time for me lately. Mostly emotionally but sometimes that's harder. A sore muscle I can stretch. A cold I can treat with rest and liquids. But emotional pain? Much harder to process. Add into the fact that it isn't just coming from one source right now, but several. My life is definitely in a much different place than I would have imagined it would be a year ago.

I've not been improving. More accurately, I don't feel like I'm improving because work has taken priority over skating. It's the side-effect of working in theatre, which I absolutely love. I've written about it before. I'm extremely lucky to be doing what I love and getting paid enough to do more than make ends meet. I also wouldn't really do well in a corporate environment.

So because of this feeling of frustration and disappointment, I'm re-evaluating why I skate.

THE REASONS I COULD BUT DON'T USE


Roller derby has been gaining popularity faster than a semi-truck with burned out brakes down a mountain pass. Everyone wants to do it. Or at least everyone wants to be "cool" enough to do roller derby. I'm not doing roller derby to be cool or because it's popular. Usually when something is popular, I steer far away from it, usually because it won't hold interest for me.

I don't skate to be cool or because it's popular.


Two years ago this coming fall, I was told that I might not ever be athletic enough and was too old for roller derby. Revenge can be a great motivator. And trying to prove someone else wrong is just as powerful. Except it leaves a bitter taste because the other person really doesn't care. Trust me, I've done it before.

I don't skate to prove to anyone that I can.


For whatever reason, the derby world and the Ren. faire world here in Minnesota has a lot of cross-over. It would make sense to do derby because "everyone else" is doing it. This is related to the idea of doing it because it's popular. Plenty of my friends also have tattoos but that doesn't mean I'm ever going to get one just because everyone else is doing it. I've been hearing about derby years before That Movie came out, so I've known about it for a while. Anyone in this group could have easily tried to convince me to skate because they can do it.

I don't skate because everyone else does it.


When you mention roller derby to most people, they immediately imagine girls in fish nets and hot pants beating the stuffing out of each other. There have been women who have mentioned that they wish they could play so they could use their aggression and beat people up. What people who are only casually into the sport don't realize is that it's no longer a blood bath. Yes, players hit each other but then football players tackle each other. The teams and players that are really good use hits in a smart way not out of pure aggression.

I don't skate because I'm angry and want an excuse to hit people.


Some people start exercising or a sport to lose weight. According to the BMI (which is a load of bollocks as far as I'm concerned), I'm obese. Yet if you were to look at me, you couldn't think so. Yes, there are some squishy bits but most of those are good (really, I'm not smuggling melons). Most of my frame is made up of muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. The really cool thing is that I have been loosing weight. It's a nice little perk but it's not the reason why I skate.

I don't skate so I can weigh less.


SO WHY DO I SKATE?


To those who can skate with ease and those who have never tried, let it be known that skating can be -ing hard. The first time I put on skates and tried skating, I fell at least 20 times. My skates with crappy ABEC 1 bearings and outdoor wheels spun too much for me that I couldn't stand up on carpet. Rental skates were something I could barely handle. It was one of the hardest 30 minutes in my life.

After that one time, I could have easily given up. No one would have blamed me. In a lot of way, I was along for the ride. My friend came along with a group of us to watch derby and she decided we needed to do it. At that time, I knew it wasn't something I could do. I had no faith in myself. In fact, nearly a year earlier I commented on a facebook post saying "I've actually never roller skated before...but I am a little intrigued...I'm just not sure I have the personality for it."

Yeah, I'll give you a moment to stop laughing at that one.

It's how I felt though. I was given gear and was terrified to go skating on my own. While I admired the women on the track, I was sure that I could never be one. I've spent my whole life avoiding sports and having my clumsiness reinforced. Skating is basically gliding along and when I hit a patch of ice, I would fall spectacularly. I could trip on flat surfaces. So the idea of putting me on skates was extremely terrifying. But I did it because I had a friend extremely enthusiastic who believed in me far more than I did.

Unlike many things in my life, skating is the first that I approached without previous knowledge. I'd never skated before and, as far as I know, no one in my family has either. For the first time, I understood why playing the same blasted scale over and over on my flute was important. It took nearly two decades but skating was where I finally applied the lessons of practicing music. No one expected me to be perfect and they encouraged me. Perfect strangers at the skating rink would offer advice and never in a condescending way. They truly were excited to see someone learning how to skate.

It would have been so easy to give up but I didn't. I had no illusions about the odds of playing derby right away. There is so much to learn and I was simply trying to figure out how to stop without having to crash into something and to stand up without rolling away. It became fun. Shortly thereafter, it hurt to skate. Not physically (I mean, yes it was uncomfortable as I was using muscles I usually don't but that's not the focus right now), but emotionally. Being told I would probably never be good enough completely deflated me. I didn't want anything to do with derby so I didn't. It took over a month to get me to simply go skating again. It took being sleep-deprived and having my friend offer to turn in my paperwork (I was working a show) to get me to agree to join the Debs. I was so guarded for the first session that I didn't really get to know the other skaters until the very end of it. I didn't want to be told that I couldn't do it because I wasn't good enough. Debs is a recreational league so there should be a place for me, right? It took having my faith restored in my abilities (and some crying; there was definitely crying) for me to be able to open up.

But I don't think I've ever actually answered why I skate to anyone, not even myself. Which is why it's taken me over a week to write this entry. It's been hard to figure out why exactly I skate. I've also realized that it's not true that I've gotten nothing out of the practices I've made. I've just not gotten to where I want to be, which is often how life seems to work.

I skate because I love the feel of being an athlete. I love the speed of going around a track and the exhilaration of a sudden stop.

I skate because it allows me to meet some of the most amazing people I've ever met. They inspire me to push harder.

I skate because it's who I am. It was a hidden part of me that needed to be found and shown where it belonged. That piece of me belongs on skates.

I skate derby because I can leave everything off the track and for that short time, I am who I am with no one able to tell me otherwise.

I skate derby because I can show the world who I am, a strong, confident and loving woman, simply by going around a track.

I skate derby because the bond I've formed with my team mates is as strong as blood relations.

I skate derby with the team I do because the showed me that I am athletic enough and that I can do anything if I want to do it. I skate with them because I don't have to prove myself to anyone.

Well how did that happen?

Today at practice, I had to leave early due to work but there was a big, no, a HUGE eureka moment for me today.

This was our first non-assessment practice on skates. For all I know, it was also our first practice entirely on skates (that whole leaving early thing leaves one in the dark sometimes). We started with a warm-up of 80/100s. First, I realized that I no longer hate this drill. I mean, it's still hard (skate at 80% speed for a minute, then at 100% speed for 30 seconds and then back to 80%, repeat) but I don't feel as though I'm going to die. Second, to my surprise, my feet didn't hate me either and actually moved most of the time. It's still not all of the time but it's certainly more than it use to be and I'm certainly gaining speed. I was vaguely aware of people telling me that I was looking good when I'd zip past them. And I think I was actually zipping past people.

I wasn't looking forward to practice. I knew I'd have to leave early and I've been in a funk the last couple of days. Personal life can sometimes take it out of you and it certainly has been draining for me. I was so angry and frustrated last night that I couldn't even lay down to sleep until almost 2am and that was mostly because I killed my phone's battery and it seemed like too much effort to get out of bed to charge it so I could keep wasting time. Sleep didn't come easily and I certainly didn't feel rested. So I wasn't really looking forward to practice because I was convinced that I'd be too much in my head and that I'd not get anything out of it. Add on top of it that my skates, my lovely Vanilla Curves which I love and adore, aren't really good derby skates. There's no support in the ankle area because they're jam skates and you want loose ankles when you jam skate. So now, instead of buying new boots, I'm looking into temporary fixes as there are other things that are higher priority money-wise. I've spent a little time on my skates and learned at last week's practice that I've cranked down on my bushings too much so I probably need a harder set of the magic cushions. The time I spent on my skates was trying to adjust my trucks so that I wouldn't have another expense. Getting them loose enough so that the bushings are bulging makes them too loose for me so I've combined my old, really hard bushings with the magic cushion, which seemed to do the trick.

When we were allowed to skate before practice started, I let me worries and anxieties and all the other things that would keep me in my head and felt myself pushing them out of my mind with every push of my skate. I don't know if there was a physical difference to be seen in me but it certainly felt different.

After warm-ups and stretching, we worked on edging. Somehow I ended up towards the higher end of skill level (we were to self-assess and I put myself in the middle; when groups were formed, my group was the second to the high end) and I was actually okay with that. See, I've had a problem with skating knock-kneed. To fix this, I've been doing a lot of sticky skating which means I've gotten to know pretty well where to find my edges. Of course, finding them when I'm being deliberate and trying to build up certain muscles and knowing where they are and using them all the time are two different things.

As we worked through the different drills, we got to one that I've always dreaded because I struggle with it. It's edging work where we skate around a cone. Pretty much every time I've done this, I have fallen. The whole "body-working-as-one-unit" thing usually isn't happening when we get to this drill. I didn't care though. I didn't care what I'd done in the past because I'd built on that. I'd managed earlier to fall during the 80/100s and get back up while I was still sliding, which is a new thing. It's the way it's suppose to be but I've not noticed myself doing it before. To my honest amazement, I got through the drill without falling, stumbling or flailing for the first time ever. I think I actually shocked myself a bit. It wasn't perfect but it was certainly what I was suppose to be doing.

It's often said that if you aren't falling in derby, then you aren't trying hard enough. Part of me wondered if perhaps that was true today until I got out of my skates and started walking. There are definitely muscles in my legs that aren't happy with me for the work I did today. I think often, my falling was almost a reaction, a "I have no idea what to do, but I can fall" sort of reaction. That seems to be out of my system. If I fall, it's usually that I've pushed a little harder than I realized I could go, such as during the 80/100s. When I fell, I think I was going faster than I'm use to and I did something that caused me to fall. I honestly have no idea what happened other than I was down, doing a baseball slide and then back up again. We did cone weaving and had the option of doing it on one foot, so I decided that I should try it. I didn't try it. I did it.

I know it's all been tiny little steps and hops but it's certainly caught me off-guard with how much has changed. I know that I'm not the only one who sees it either. It seems as though every practice, at least one or two more people comment about how much I've improved from where I use to be, sometimes even just where I was a week before. This is absolutely exhilarating to suddenly see so many new strengths in my body and my skills.

It's become my story now

First, before going into the meaning of the title of this post or writing about the awesomeness of yesterday, I most post this photo.

This picture was taken by my Sweetie before Derby 101 as the first All-Star game of the Minnesota Roller-girls of this season. That's me. On the jammer line. We stage the demo so we know what to describe to the audience. I think it was mostly a sense of confidence and maybe even a little bit of nerves that got me to volunteer to be the lead jammer. This in part was because my Sweetie was sitting on the jammer line track-side. Not that I need to impress him or anyone but I thought it would be kind of spiffy to get to be lead jammer. I managed to skate all of the Derby 101 demos at the TC Terrors bouts but this was my first time doing it for MNRG. Over the course of the TC Terrors season, I managed to skate every position, though I didn't play lead jammer. As this will be the last time this season I can do Derby 101, I wanted to be able to say that I skated all of the positions. 

When we were practicing on the back track, I slipped on my cross-over and fell. The other jammer also fell so that she didn't get ahead of me. This was scripted after all. I jokingly said that hopefully that got the falling out of my system and that it wouldn't happen in front of people. She assured me that if I did fall, she'd just fall again. 

After what felt like an eternity backstage (even derby has periods of "hurry up and wait"), we got to go out. As we skated into position, I heard someone shout "GO FERRET" though I never figured out who it was but I'm pretty sure I smiled on hearing it. Confession: I have extreme stage fright. But Ferret, you're surely thinking, you wearing bosom-enhancing outfits and write on your cleavage out at the Ren Fest and have no problems! Yeah, but I'm hawking among of a sea of people. I don't have stage lights on me or an audience cheering. I'm competing to be heard over the crowds. I work in theatre and there have been times in which I've had to go onto stage when there's been an audience and I can be seen. In my world, that means something has gone wrong or I've screwed something up. Thankfully it's usually been that something has gone wrong and needs to be fixed but I still come off the stage shaking. Sometimes, during set changes with orchestras, I'm out on stage in full light but then there's a lot of movement. It isn't just me. 

If you look at this picture, you'll notice that I'm only on one toe stop. That's because I was shaking so badly that I didn't trust myself on both toe stops. 

We started our mini-jam, whistles were blown and we took off. I made it through the pack easily and started to take my scoring lap. Then I fell. At the EXACT same corner that I'd fallen during our practice run. Talking with friends after, they thought it was staged. Talking with one of my coaches and my dear friend who got me involved in derby (she'd never watched 101 before; I think she watched because I was skating), they both said it looked like we'd done it on purpose. It actually happened because I'd ended up over-tightening my trucks. They'd been too loose lately so I cranked down on them and it was the first time I'd been skating on a derby track since I'd done that. I didn't want to mess with anything after we'd done our run through and didn't truly realize it until after the fact (I had suspicions). Several things made me excited to hear people thing that it was staged. One, it means my falling has gotten much more controlled. Two, I'm getting up faster and smoother than before. Third, I didn't even think about the fact that I fell but that I needed to keep moving. 

This awesome night led to an even more awesome day.

Yesterday was our first time on skates this session. They opened up the Roy an hour early so that new girls could have a chance to skate on the floor before skills assessments. I got there early to tweak two things: my trucks and how I was lacing my skates. There were 3 things that I needed to be able to do to be happy with my set-up: cross-overs, t-stops and snowplows. It took nearly the entire time but I did manage to get everything perfect*. After a quick Q&A about the bout the previous night, we started skill assessments. 

We were told to place ourselves in the group we felt most comfortable in realizing that it didn't mean that was where we could get placed. I decided to place myself in the blue (intermediate) group. Testing wasn't nearly as intense as I expected though my boot didn't fall apart this time. There was a lot that I was happy with how I did. My t-stops and snowplows have improved so much and I nearly got 25 laps in 5 minutes. We 7 other skaters on the track, it was hard to get my diamond grove on. Also, after falling a few times, I definitely started to tense up. I heard a shout from the center of the track to relax. When we were finished with the 5 minutes (I seriously got 24.5 laps; if I'd relaxed more and not fallen, I'd have made at least 25; of course, the last time I was timed and fell less than I did yesterday, I had 22 laps so I'm not too upset), Tiki told me that after falling, I tensed up. Hearing her shout at me got me to relax but not completely. Additionally, I was able to fall, not flail and got back up without having to use my arms or hands. This, while not exactly a first, has been a very, very long struggle for me. I've not struggled with allowing myself to fall but I have struggled with having the muscles to get back up while still sliding.

The entire time, I was trying to stay realistic. I wanted to move up badly but I know that there are skills I just don't have yet. Lately I've been struggling with being gentle with myself and how far I have come. It's hard to not compare yourself to others as you skate with others. That's been my struggle lately.

The testing got cut short so that we'd have time to do dryland. I can tell how the amount of dryland we've been doing has been helping me. In my enthusiasm to help move some chairs, I managed to cut myself on my water bottle. Yes, I am that special at times. This meant that I missed the explanation of what we were doing which was probably a good thing and I didn't end up bleeding on everything. We started with a relay race, sprinting from one end to two "mid"-points and back and then to the end and back. I was the last one in my line and when it came to the last push, I pushed hard. My legs began to give me the middle finger.

As a reward for our awesomeness, we got to do some plyometric work. We started with frog jumps, which I hate because of how much they hurt. I know that they are awesome because of what they do to my legs but every time I've done them, I've wanted to cry by the end of it. We jump up from a deep squat, slowly moving forwards. It's more about the springing up than it is about moving forward. Still in our relay groups, we were to start when the person in front of us got in line with the jammer line. As I started, I knew that this was going to be a really hard thing for me to do. I could get low with no problem and my landings were good but it hurt to spring back up. I think I was about halfway when Bacon, a former Deb, got down next to me and counted to three. We started doing them together. She kept talking, reminding me to keep my head up. At one point, Tiki came over to check on my breathing, which was actually fine. It was my legs that were giving me the trouble. I'd land and my legs would want to give up on me. It was a fight to keep them under me and to keep going. Bacon at one point asked if I could do three more. I looked at her saying that I could do more than 3 but that it was going to take a while. I know towards the end I closed my eyes because my legs hurt so much. It kind of helped to block out the pain, sort of. What really helped was hearing my fellow skaters start to cheer every time I launched myself up into the air. At some point, probably the last 4 or 5 jumps, I noticed that they all came out with me and started jumping when I jumped. As I struggled to keep my legs under me, they cheered me on. I wanted to give up. It would have been so much easier to give up and not try but something deeper in me demanded to keep going.

It would be unfair to say that I did this on my own. As things were starting to get harder, I started to pray. Not simply saying "Oh God, I can't do this, this sucks, etc." but praying in earnest for help. I recognized that I couldn't do this by myself. This was demanding more of my body than I usually do but since God gave me my body, surely He would help me if I accepted that He was in control. He definitely gave me strength to go on but He gave me something else much more tangible. He gave me this amazing group of women who believe in me and my strengths and abilities. He gave me coaches who push me past my point of comfort but not to the point of hurting myself. These women helped me to accept that I really am an athlete, especially after having been told that I'd never be athletic enough. They had faith in me before I was able to and they help me find that.

Of course, we weren't done with practice yet. We still had some line jumping and sets of 5. The sets of 5 weren't push-ups but more plymetrics. We did sets of 5 of 4 different jumping exercises and we did them in a cycle, leading each other and working together as a team. I was able to remember the cycle and was vocal at announcing each step, even though it hurt to move. At one point, I even led the squats jumps. If Tiki hadn't stopped us, I probably would have kept going. Of course, they would have needed a spatula to scrap me off the floor.

We didn't get to hear where we're placed yet. I was the last Deb not in the clinic to leave as moving my fastest was still amazingly slow. I wanted to find out where I was placed as I won't be there next week because of work. Before I could open my mouth, I looked at Hanna and she said "Intermediate." I asked what that meant. There are enough of us who aren't quite ready for blue but need to be pushed and worked harder than we would in the pink group, so they are making a new intermediate (I named it purple, though it would probably be more of a lavender) group for those of us in that category. Hanna got hugged and asked if I was crying. I was pretty darn close except I hurt so much.

Two weeks ago, I was convinced that I would never leave the pink group. Now, I just need to not try so hard to prove myself to Tiki. She would come over to watch us skate during the assessment and I would start screwing up because I wanted to prove to her that I can do all of this. Hanna left me with great words last night. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. They all know that I'm doing the work and that I'm capable of doing it. I just need to relax. Now to learn how to stay relaxed in front of my coach so I can move up to being contact ready.

When I got to my car, I emailed the list to thank all of them for their encouragement and what it meant to me. It was humbling to get responses telling me how much I inspire them to work harder. One of the last texts I got around to sending that night was to Betty. She and her husband, Rink, started my introduction to derby. He hired me to work their booth at festival and she gave me tickets to my first bout. I sent her a message to thank her for encouragement and for getting me involved in derby. The talk that Drunk Betty gave me in June hit home and made sense yesterday. Here's what she wrote back to me, which did get me to cry (in fact, I'm about to cry now): "Hey honey. This is your derby story now. I saw the girls cheering you on and you pushing yourself. These are all things that make a huge difference in your derby life and your real life. I am so fucking proud of you." So that's what I mean by saying that it's my story now. I've become invested in roller derby, in my own life and in the lives of those I skate with. I've spent months feeling embarrassed and left out and unworthy. I've been saddened for no longer skating with the person I started this adventure on (she also got a thank you text; she got my butt on skates to begin with and then back on skates and into Debs when I was most discouraged) and I've been to the point of giving up. Instead of letting someone else write my story and giving them the pen, I've taken over and am writing it on my own now. Yesterday was amazingly pivotal and I feel as though something has changed within me. I may just try defying gravity.

*It's never perfect. Skating causes changes in tension and how my feet feel but there comes a point where I have to stop fussing otherwise I'll end up not skating.

Hope

Sometimes, I get motivation and hope from the strangest places. Today was one of those days.

It shouldn't be too surprising that to be able to participate in practice, one has to sit through a talk of the rules. Even if you've been doing it for a while, it's a new session and sometimes rules change. Rule number one will never change. Don't be a Douche Bag. However, it seems that there is a need to remind people that they are adults and need to take care of themselves. This also doesn't surprise me.

What did end up surprising me was how I started to feel. Not realizing that there was going to be a meeting before practice for those of us who couldn't make the first practice (I wasn't the only one), I didn't think to check my email until just before 3pm. I knew that practice had been moved to a 4pm start and as such, I'd have plenty of time to get to practice and find parking. Turns out that the meeting was going to happen at 3pm. I quickly threw myself together, remembering my tennis shoes and paperwork, and flew out the door. While I love being on skates, I'm happy today was a day of dry land. It meant one less thing for me to haul. I got there feeling ashamed and embarrassed for being late. I was an disappointment to myself. Add on top of this, the overwhelming sense of discouragement and I wasn't really looking forward to practice. Being so late (about 15 minutes) almost had me convinced to just turn around as I wouldn't be able to practice without sitting through the talk. I'm glad I ignored my brain.

The coach who held the talk let us know why we're doing so much dry land. It's to strengthen our bodies. No one (or at least almost no one) does squats or push-ups for fun. I'm sure if I thought about it long enough, I could find an exception to that statement. It's something I wish I had learned when I was still active musically. You must always practice the fundamentals as everything else is based on it. If you can't do a complicated scale pattern, you aren't going to be able to do a complicated phrase of music. The same holds true for derby, and I imagine, for life in general. If my ankles aren't strong enough off skates, how can I expect them to be in skates? It may take a while, but if I continue to work on it, then I will get there.
For me, it's not about the wearing of a cute outfit and skating in front of a crowd. Frankly, skating in front of a crowd kind of scares me. All those people screaming and cheering? I've heard that you sort of tune it out and focus on the game, which I hope is true. Instead, it's about getting better and seeing growth in myself. I've seen it in my arms and my legs. My core has gotten so much stronger that it makes me giddy. I can do things now that I couldn't a year ago. Ankles, on the other hand, are a lot harder to see improvement in. I still feel unstable when balancing during dry land. Granted, this is after we've been doing a lot of stuff but I know it's my ankle stability. It takes time to build up those muscles. It wasn't so hard with everything else because I use it daily at work. Learning how to engage my core actually made some things at work a lot easier. I wish I'd understood how to do it much sooner!
So instead of hearing about how this is to prevent injury (I did indeed hear that part, but I already get that), what I heard the loudest was that I need to keep working and to stop being so hard on myself. I love the amount of encouragement I receive from the other women I skate with and I hope they get that I encourage them just as much. Today, I was unable to shout my encouragements (though I did make a comment about one minute being a half a jam as a way to motivate myself) but I was certainly smiling and giving thumbs up and whatever else I could to encourage. After one of the jumping drills, my legs completely gave out and one of the women actually came over to help me stand back up. I honestly couldn't tell you who it was because I was in so much pain but I was very grateful for the help. So much of the pain is my mind trying to convince me to give up because I'm uncomfortable. The rest of the pain is my ripping my muscles apart to make them stronger.
It's easy to see someone "not trying hard enough" and wonder why they're still doing derby. It's harder to get to know them to learn about their struggles as to why it looks like they aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, I think we all give in to the voice telling us to not push as hard because that's easier. Yet it's important to know when the voice is telling us to slow down because our body is actually in pain. I had to remember that today during one of the drills. We were hopping up stairs (yes, you read that correctly; try it sometime. It's not as easy as you would think) and I had one last set to finish. My heart rate had been elevated during the drill and I was taking the time to get it back down to a point where I didn't feel as though I might pass out. I got halfway through the last set and had to stop but wanted to keep pushing. As another skater came down the steps, she told me to listen to my body. Two skaters, both league skaters I believe, stopped and got onto the same step with me. They reminded me to breathe deeply and to keep pushing but do it at the pace my body to handle. As we slowly made it up the stairs (and at the start, I was really wanting to figuratively kick myself for not being able to do faster), I started to hear the other women cheering us on. I don't know if the the two skaters who joined me had finished or not. I think they had and that they decided to join me so that I wouldn't finish the drill on my own. I felt so happy to make it to the top that I wanted to cry. I gave up control that inner, doubting voice has sometimes and let my body do what it does best. I trusted myself because they trusted and believed in me.
Before practice started and we were done with our paperwork, I went to go say hello to people and chat with them. It was amazing how many commented on how awesome I was looking. Between eating a lot better (good-bye fast food! good-bye cheap crap!), I've also started to challenge myself more physically. I take stairs two at a time. If there's an opportunity to jump something, I take it. I'll stand around chatting with co-workers and balance on one foot. All of these little things are starting to add up to more inches melting away from my body. Something that really amazed me was getting complimented on my wall-sit from Thursday. I managed to do a wall-sit for 3 minutes and 35 seconds. The only "break" I took was when my feet started to slip out from under me. My quads hated me afterwards but I was amazingly proud of myself. In truth, my quads still hate me, especially after today's practice. One of my friends commented on how she was a wimp compared to me and that I was awesome. This friend is now a group level higher than me and can do things on skates that I can't do yet. Her comment of being awesome because of how hard I pushed myself started to turn the switch on my attitude. That change in my attitude let me have a great practice.
All of these little things gave me hope today. I'm still a bit discouraged because I have hit a plateau. My sweetie has suggested I start doing some cross-training in yoga. I think that's probably a good idea. I've also thought it might not be too bad to go do some bouldering or maybe even pick up a little parkour. It will still work similar muscles but maybe working them in a different way will help them and it'll help me get through this wall I'm stuck behind.

A High Followed by an Immediate Low

It's funny how motivation works sometimes. Earlier today I was working on a blog post. My sweetie, having never seen my creative process before, thought I was dawdling and being distracted. The problem is that in order to focus and write, I have to get the excess energy out of my system. Sometimes I'll have everything I want to say in my head and all I have to do is sit in front of a computer and type. Usually this happens when I have absolutely nothing to even jot an idea down on let alone have the entire thing flow out. So it gets shuffled into a mental box and I get to it eventually. Unfortunately, quite a few other shiny things wander through my mind in the time between when I'm inspired and when I'm actually able to write. Too often I sit staring at the blank screen, waiting for my brilliance to come back. So I poke around on the internet, retracing things I've done in hopes that I'll stumble onto the right word or phrase that will allow my thoughts to flow into the thing I meant to write. I started that this morning but felt discouraged when my sweetie decided I needed a task master to keep me on task. So I threw in the towel for the time being because trying to force it wasn't going to make it happen and it seemed that I'd just be under pressure to get it all out.

The day progressed and I seemed to be in a bit of a funk. I've had a lot of anxiety for several reasons and thankfully skating has been a great outlet for it. Then I started thinking.

You know what one phrase all of my coaches have said to me?

STOP THINKING!

Even off the track, I should remember this because so often, I start thinking and then things go "wrong." If I think too hard when I'm skating, I start to doubt myself and then usually end up falling. I've now figuratively fallen because I started thinking too much.

I'm feeling really discouraged. There's a lot of stuff that I'm discouraged about but I realized today that I'm starting to feel really discouraged about derby.

(Note: I was interrupted while writing this at midnight last night. It was once again my sweetie and this time I simply became angry which caused a whole series of interesting and good events in the long run. Now back to my whining.)


Why do I feel discouraged? I mean, I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago or even six months ago. But I'm seeing others doing so much better and passing me. I feel stuck and frustrated. It's hard to not compare yourself to other skaters when you see other skaters all of the time. You shouldn't because this is such an individual experience yet it's so easy to fall into that trap. Trust me, I'm in it right now.

When I work on things outside of practice such as wall-sits or push-ups, I can feel and see a change in how my body is working. My biggest physical weakness, the thing that is holding me back, is my ankle stability. And I have been working to improve it. I work on balancing on one foot and then doing half-squats while on one foot, placing my other leg in other positions. I trace the alphabet with both feet. I do calf raises and walk on my toes. Despite all of this, it feels that *nothing* has improved. I do amazing toe stop runs and then when I try to transition out of them, one of my ankles gives out, causing me to fall. Even writing about it, I feel the urge to throw a temper tantrum. Is it the boot or is it my ankle? I don't know. I was fitted for a new boot and fell in love with the Vanilla Curve, which fit my narrow feet. My heel and ankle didn't move around when I tried them one and we checked. They were tight. The rest of the boot is still tight but around the ankle, they feel really loose. Are my socks too thin? Have my constant "ankle rolls" (for the lack of the correct term) caused my boots to loosen up? I don't know. And honestly, I kind of feel like giving up right now. It's like I've hit a wall or have plateaued. I don't feel like I'm improving, my job prevents me from making every practice and everyone that will ever be in the pink group will make it to the contact group before me.

See why I should stop thinking?

My thinking has given me a rotten attitude and I know it. This is why I'm not giving up and why I'll keep pushing myself. It is discouraging though and I hope the feeling passes soon because it's also very draining. I'm dreading practice tomorrow because even though it's awesome how hard we get pushed, I know I'll never be "in shape" because I'm always being pushed. The only plus is seeing everyone else in pain and struggling because even the most in shape person gets a beating in these work outs.

I want to get better. I'm just worried that I never will.

There's a first for everything

Today was one of the most frustrating practices ever for me. I've pulled things and pushed muscles to fatigue. There have been bruises and self-medicating of ice and ibuprofen. Yet, I'd never been injured while on the track. I guess there's a first for everything.

First of all, I'm mostly okay. I'm a little battered and I'm going to stop putting off seeing my chiropractor until "later". Most importantly I didn't break anything except maybe my pride. There were no trips to the hospital and no more than ice and ibuprofen. I just ended up sitting out for half of practice.

We started with dry land which, even though it's really hard and I have to keep thinking of something else so my brain doesn't psych me out, I actually enjoy. It's becoming easier to see the importance of dry land. My body is feeling stronger every time we do it and skating is becoming easier. It still wears me out but that means I'm trying hard enough.

After dry land, we got into our gear. I'm proud to say that I can get into gear rather quickly. This is probably from years of always running behind when trying to get somewhere. I've learned how to do things correctly in a short amount of time. We were going to be doing the same sort of skating warm-up we did the week before. I was both excited and dreading it. My inner right thigh felt tight and I was tired from the dry land but I wasn't going to give up. We started skating at 60% and then going into a snowplow when the whistle blew. Once everyone had stopped, we'd sprint back up to going 60%.

Once we'd completed doing that few times, our coach had us skating and then turning around on a whistle and skating backwards. On the next whistle, we'd turn back around and skate forwards again. Going from back to front is fairly easy for me. Going from front to back has become some sort of warfare with myself. I hear the whistle and try to immediately turn around, only to fall down as I'm going faster than I can actually go while turning around. I end up thinking too hard and panicking because I want to do it with everyone else. It was easy to realize what I was doing. So the next time we were to turn around, I thought "step, step, step" to ready myself for the 3 point turn around. I nearly got it. The next time, it got me.

I had taken the first step and was in the middle of the second one when things suddenly changed very quickly. I'm almost positive that the problem was that I had shifted my weight too far back and lost my balance. I blame this on thinking. I was thinking too hard instead of actively engaging my core. As I was in the midst of turning and leaning backwards,  I fell on my backside. Specifically, I hit my right hip/cheek area full force. Somehow I managed to roll onto my left side and I know that my right wrist also made contact with the ground. In those few seconds, I felt a huge jolt race up my spine. As I was there on the ground, I realized I was in too much pain to get back up. Part of me wishes there had been a camera there so I could have seen what happened.

So there I am, sort of kneeling but mostly leaning on my left side with my face down feeling like I've got whiplash. I'm actively crying, not just tears of pain but crying because it really, really hurt. My neck was in intense pain. I refused to move or look up, though I was able to recognize people by skates and voices. I know enough that moving someone with a head or neck injury can be really dangerous and I didn't know what damage I'd done. It felt like I'd just sent a jolt through my system but I don't have any medical training so I wasn't sure. I do remember hearing everyone stop skating as I was down on the ground.

Our main practice area is in basically an arena space. There's a black curtain that comes down during shows and bouts that hides the backstage area which also has a full size track. During practice, the curtain is raised and will do group laps on the outside of both tracks. This makes sense in my head because I skate it all the time. I mention it because our coach who was running warm-ups (Tiki) had everyone move to the front track only to complete warm-ups.

While everyone else got to skate, I was helped onto my back and my neck was checked out. I was asked what happened and I seem to remember saying that I fell on my ass a lot. This was really funny to me for some reason. Probably trying to distract myself from the pain and the worry that I'd done some serious damage. I had almost full range of motion in my neck and no numbness. My skates were taken off for me and ice was given to me. I was then helped over to where our gear bags were and got to fill out an accident report.

In my job, sometimes performers, patrons or workers (in that order) get hurt. When they do, and I'm the one in charge, I get to fill out the accident report. Today is the first time that someone filled it out for me. Sure, nurses or intake people have filled them out for me before but this was different. This was while still at the scene of the "crime". While copies were being made (it's never safe to use the last accident report; that's just begging for more people to get hurt), lots of people checked in with me to see if I was okay. I was embarrassed and frustrated. We'd only just gotten on skates. One of the other skaters told me that she understood and said at least I didn't break myself. She's just gotten back to scrimmaging after breaking herself. Once the sheet was filled out, I was told that I didn't have to stay as the person filling out knew I'd rather be on skates but that I was more than welcome to watch. I decided to stay and watch my group work on things.

I learned a lot.

I learned that none of us really know what we look like when we skate. I saw fellow skaters bobbing up and down when they probably thought they weren't. There were skaters who needed stiffer arms while doing shopping carts. And nearly everyone could have bent their knees more.

I learned that it's hard to sit and just watch. It doesn't matter how hard the drill is, everyone would rather be skating than injured. Everyone cheered when I came over and sat with them but I was sad that I couldn't be skating with them. It was hard knowing that they were getting stronger while I was forced to sit on the side.

I learned that I'm getting much better about how I'm taking things. One of my friends told me, very excitedly, that she had been asked if she felt comfortable enough to move up to the contact group. In the past, I would have been sad right away and I was a bit sad mostly because I know how many practices I can make of what we have left and I know it's unrealistic to make it to that group myself this session. The biggest difference is that I wouldn't have been as supportive as I was today. I'd have pouted and been focused on myself instead of their good news. I'm glad I'm not where I was emotionally a year ago. This is such a better place.

So a lot of ice and ibuprofen later, I'm writing this all down. Not because I'll forget this injury but because it's important to me to remember how I'm feeling emotionally (I'm working on not being hard on myself; I've done worse to my neck in my sleep) and the huge amount of support I got from my team mates. I don't know if they realize how much it means to have them concerned for me. The coaches checking in and my team mates being so concerned once again reminded me of how special this sport is and how lucky I am to be involved in it. It's a competitive sport but there's so much support for each other. This is yet another reason why I'm so happy to have discovered and be involved with roller derby.

Excuses, excuses, excuses

When it comes to making excuses, I may well be a goddess in the art. Oftentimes, in my own mind at least, I feel I'm simply trying to explain things to the people outside of my head. No, there aren't people inside of it but I'm not exactly normal when it comes to the hows and whys of doing things. I believe that this bad habit of excuses, since that's really what they are, goes back to my childhood. There was always some reason why I couldn't do something and I usually came up with a story to explain it. People listened to my stories and I think that simply encouraged me. I don't need to be encouraged.

A couple of weeks ago was my first time skating since June 7th. I know that I'm not the only one in my league to put of skating. It's sometimes hard to be motivated when there's no one there to remind you (usually through yelling) that you need to be skating more often. My excuse? I got really sick twice and was busy with work and travel. Add into this the weird and wet weather Minnesota has been having and there was always an excuse to not be skating.

True, there are times where I physically couldn't breathe, let alone skate but often I just decided that I'd simply use an excuse. So while out skating with a derby friend, she noticed that I was skating knock kneed. Again. As always. As I tried to correct it, it came out that I didn't have the additional arch supports in them. I started to explain (short version: there was an exploding cucumber) and realized that it was just another excuse. I believe I came to this realization as my friend was most likely rolling her eyes at me. Or telling me to stop making excuses. I honestly don't remember that detail anymore. What I do remember is that I make a lot of excuses. Some are valid (I can't skate today because I am working/on my death bed/made other commitments) but most of them are absolute crap (I can't do this because I suck/aren't athletic/clumsy/better at falling). I make excuses so I don't have to try as hard. It's yet another mental block that I'm working on conquering.

So far, I've stopped making excuses about dry land. I've never been good at running or push ups (I'm still not convinced that I do them *right*) and have always made excuses why. Blame it on middle school and high school (probably even back to elementary school) where the only way to be "good" was to overachieve and rock at sports which I never did. Hello Lack of Confidence. Glad to see you go.

What am I doing then that isn't an excuse? I own a jump rope now and have taken to jumping rope when I find myself standing around waiting for someone and in a place with a high (or no) ceiling. If I know I'm not going to just be standing around and I'm at work, I use part of my lunch break to spend a few minutes jumping rope. It's a lot harder than I remember and I can't quite do it for a minute yet but I am working up to it. I've also downloaded some apps onto my phone to work on push ups, sit ups and squats as well as having other ab workouts at my finger tips. I've done the second day of the push ups and the first day of the sit ups. Tomorrow I do the first day of the squats.

Now if I can just go to one of those trust camps with my body and teach myself that I can trust myself, I think this season of Debs will be awesome.

Tremors, Tears, Teammates and Trust

Last Sunday was the first time I was on skates in 3 weeks. Easter we didn't have practice and then the next two weeks I had to work. The other days also found me full of working and bad weather keeping me from skating outside. The good news is that I acquired new plates, aluminum instead of plastic. The bad news is that I got new plates and no time to try them out before practice.

It was a hard practice and I was in the "easy" group. They divided us into two groups. Those who wanted to be pushed really hard to prep for tryouts and then those who wanted to work on basics. I went with the second group and we were still pushed hard. I started with too many new factors. New plates and new arch support were working against me. My feet were killing me and I was struggling to stay on them. I eventually reached a point where I needed to stop and take out the supports. Taking them out did help but I was still exhausted.

Eventually we started doing pace lines. Weaving from front to back scared me but was easier than I'd imagined. Going from back to front seemed impossible. I started once and fell two people in. I tried again and got two people in. At this point, I'm on the ground and I notice my hand is shaking, almost as though I had tremors. I was near tears when Wet Spot, one of our coaches, skated over to me and told me to take a moment since I was failing due to being mad. I hadn't realized it until the words came out of his mouth but I was mad. I was mad with myself for not finding time to skate over 3 weeks and I was mad that I was falling, again. I'd chatted with Hanna, one of the other coaches, before practice and I was feeling better at the start of practice realizing that I wasn't the only one feeling like an outcast in the group. Yet here I was falling and feeling awkward and frustrated. Yet Wet Spot in his guidance got me to calm down and realize that it was my anger that was holding me back.

After a few calming breaths, I got back onto my skates and caught up to the line. This time, I wove through the line with my team mates cheering me on. I kept close and low (or at least, I think I did) and quickly moved to the front. It was amazing! I felt good and successful. It was one of the high moments of practice. The other one was seeing Hanna do a bit of a victory dance as I managed to run on my toe stops and get into a stride. One of the best feelings was not only having my team mates cheer me on but actually doing what they were cheering me about.

One of the last things we worked on was transitions. I currently loath transitions. I'll get over it. I use to loath skating with my knees bent as I use to loath skating on only one foot. All of these things scared me. I'm not afraid of falling. I fall all the time. I'm actually pretty good at it these days so it's not a fear of falling. It's that I don't trust my body to do what I'm telling it to do. We have a history of being a huge tangle of limbs and awkwardness. My body and I just don't get along. I'm now grown and should trust my body. But I don't. Too often have I tried to do something and my body hasn't responded. I've only recently started to feel comfortable in my body and derby has helped with that. Moments of "oh, *that's* what my core is and how I use it" and "oh look! that's so much easier if I bend further at the knees" have been very frequent since I started really getting into derby. There's a feeling of confidence that I haven't had before.

So as we were working on transitions, I was falling. A lot. I just couldn't get my feet to do what I wanted. My flexibility needs to be worked on as well as my confidence. As I worked on turning, Wet Spot showing me different ways to take my first baby step at transitions, I kept falling. Instead of getting mad, I simply kept trying, hoping that I'd understand. Wet Spot had me doing what seemed like silly things, such as using a trash can to balance against and go into second position in ballet (I mistakenly called it fourth at the time but have since looked it up) to get use to my hips turning out. My first real baby step was when I simply put my right foot back as if to turn and I stopped myself. Wet Spot came up next to me and helped me complete the turn. And by "helped me", I mean, I grabbed onto him like a small child learning how to swim and let myself be guided around until I was facing the other direction. At this point, covered in sweat and a bit of glee, I mumbled that it was all about trust. Wet Spot later confirmed that it really is all about trusting my body to do the right thing and to stop fighting it.

So how do I go about trusting one thing that I've seen as an enemy for most of my life?