Hell and what's beyond

This isn't a surprise, but derby is hard.  Heck, most things that are really cool in life are hard.  That's why you work and practice at them. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Today was the final official practice of the 2012-2013 Debs. I was definitely teary-eyed by the end of it.

Last week we didn't have our regular practice because we had no space to work in. Originally, I was going to have to miss this practice as I had work scheduled at the same time as practice. Instead of regular practice, we went to one of the local roller rinks and skated around for a couple of hours. Some coaches showed up and helped us with questions we had. I'd been struggling with one skill on one side, but as soon as I showed it to the coach, I was able to do it. Go figure.

I really learned recently that I need to take care of myself better and part of doing that is going skating. It does mean carving out time whenever I can to do it though the weather we've been having this spring has delayed the start of outdoor skating.

So it was very important to me that I make practice this week. I even asked to not work the show today. I don't do that unless it's really, really important.

It was a hard practice. Hanna didn't take it easy on us just because it was the last practice. Part of me for some reason anticipated a similar feel to the last day of school in the pre-college years where you have fun but don't accomplish much. I was happily wrong on this count.

We all have different ideas of what hell is like and I don't mean in the Biblical sense. I'm thinking more of the thing that pushes you to a point of agony. Normally, this is a show with a dance floor and a lot of glitter and feathers. Today was it's own special version of hell. It's called 10 Minutes of Hell. We sprint. For 10 minutes. Without stopping. And it sucks. The body doesn't like to be pushed. My husband, before I met him, wrote a brilliant blog post that starts with the following: "Exercise doesn't make you tired.  That's your mind giving up because your body is uncomfortable."  It's normal to feel uncomfortable when you are pushing yourself hard. It's also normal to give up. What's incredible is pushing through the pain, the shortness of breath and continuing to move. It's incredible to be in the mindset where you fall but you automatically get back up and start sprinting again. It helps having a bunch of fellow athletes cheering you on when you stumble and those voices help to strengthen the internal one that keeps you moving. There was a time where I would have fallen and struggled to get back up and would have given up. Today, I am no longer that person. I fell twice during the 10 Minutes of Hell and got back up and started sprinting right away. I doubt I ever got my speed back up to where it had been as it was past the halfway mark that I fell the first time but I didn't give up.

After that, we had a lot of fun. There was jumping over giant cones on their side, which I'd never had the chance to do before. It was harder than I thought it would be but it was a lot of fun.

Towards the end we split into our 3 groups. It's amazing how few of us there are who aren't scrimmage ready! We had a lot of fun in the purple group, working on pushing through blockers. I learned a lot and feel really good. It's the closest I've been to playing derby. I've got a long way to go still but I know that I'm on the right track.

At the end, we all gathered together and mentioned something that we were proud of for the day or the session. I'm....overwhelmed with the beyond-amazingness of the women I skate with (yes, I made up a word). One had just finished chemotherapy in December and was in the purple group with me today. Another was just re-learning how to walk a year ago. I'm inspired by those I watch as I skate. One of the coaches, Jo I believe, mentioned that as we are all in our own heads thinking about how much we suck, we're an inspiration to everyone else as we get up and keep pushing. Hearing the hard things that these others have gone through makes me feel like my issues and struggles aren't that big of a deal. Of course, maybe they feel that way if they knew everything that I've had to struggle with. This is the point that I got teary-eyed. I interjected with a statement about how awesome everyone is for being there and trying even if they fall and how they make me feel like if they can deal with their stuff, then I can deal with mine. If it had been possible, I would have hugged every single person there today. I'm horrible with names or even recognizing people out of gear but they are all amazing. I'm proud and humbled to know the women that I do from skating with Debs. It's amazing to watch some of them now skating on the league. If you had told me 3 years ago that I would love knowing these women (I have a history of not getting on well with women; I don't tend to understand them and to be extremely intimidated by them) and that I'd be an athlete, I wouldn't have believed you. I'm proud to be an athlete and I know that it's not just about competing but about a lifestyle change, which is a process and it's one that I can tell I'm still in the midst of doing. And it's worth it.

So what's on the other side of hell and pain? Amazing love and joy. I thank God that He has given me a body that is capable of doing this mind-blowing things on skates and that He has led me to a place where I feel safe to struggle knowing that I will be encouraged and not put down.

Frustrations , failings and Ferret shock

I wrote this on 3/28/13 but the internet wasn't working at my house. Yes, I turned the things off and on again and nothing happened.

Frustrations

It's been a long week. Practice on Sunday was hard. Why? Well I spent the week before at a conference and the night before on a bus from Milwaukee. Of the little sleep I got, only about 2 hours was in an actual bed. On top of that, it was my first practice in nearly a month. Then, during practice, which was an awesome stride clinic, one of my trucks broke. It figures that my first practice back, I was done after being there for 30 minutes. Thankfully someone had a spare truck, the exact one I needed in fact, and I was able to get back on my skates. After I borrowed someone else's tool as mine was removed from my bag at some point.

This has been my life lately. Half-way thrown together with little things missing that end up making a big difference. I'm frustrated that I'm not able to practice or work-out as much as I want. I'm frustrated that my social life has been non-existent as of late. I mean, I'm home by myself all week with no husband or kids and what am I doing all week? Working shows or rehearsals. Monday was my only “off” night and I hurt from practice the day before (saying I hurt the day after a derby practice is like posting on facebook that it's snowing in Minnesota in the winter; it doesn't really need to be said or made a big deal out of but a lot of people do it. I'm working on not being one of those people). On top of that, the internet isn't working. I'm actually writing this in a word editor with the hopes that I'll eventually get to post it online.

All of this frustration has led to a nasty feeling.

Failings

It's been a rough month and a half for me. I made the grown up decision to send my cats to live with my mom. I've been swamped with work which means no derby practice for the most part and it also means little parkour classes either. The gym manages to get a woman instructor for a women's parkour class and when is it? Tuesday nights, which tends to be a busy night at work for me. I feel like I'm failing at life. I'm not able to keep up with friendships or projects or even myself. What I really need is the world to stop and take 15 so I can get caught up and not have more stuff pile up while I'm trying to catch up.

I'm missing people who aren't part of my life anymore. I miss ex-boyfriends in an odd way. There have been things that have happened lately that have reminded me of a few of them and I've wanted to reach out to them but I know better. That won't end well so I don't. I miss former friends. People I should probably un-friend from facebook but haven't because well...I don't know why. If I don't un-friend them, that means there might still be a chance, right? Highly doubtful but at least I can stay up-to-date and not feel awkward learning about things from a mutual friend. And I miss my friends. Before I'd even met my husband, I was often too busy to see people. Now that I'm married, it seems even worse probably because instead of impulsively spending dinner (and sometimes the night on the couch) with a friend, I go home to dinner and falling asleep at home.

This all probably stems from the same symptom.

Ferret Shock

Thanks to a webcomic known as Sluggy Freelance, I was introduced to the idea of Ferret Shock. If I ever want to change my derby name, I may in fact change it to this now that I see it on “paper”. Ferret Shock is what happens when Kiki, the ferret, is shown something extra shiny. She gets so overwhelmed that she just sort of shuts down. I kind of do the same thing except shiny has a much larger definition.

Imagine taking me into a shop. Since I've been on a knitting kick lately, let's imagine it's a yarn shop. It doesn't matter how much money I spend because even if I have specific projects in mind, I may never make everything that I want to. This is true of everything. I own books that I will probably never read. There are movies in this house that I may never watch, which I'm actually okay with because really, who over the age of 9 wants to watch a Barbie movie? I recently sold the complete DVD set of a TV series that my husband had bought his ex-wife while they were still married. Do you have any idea how many discs that was? A lot. She hasn't had them for years but she still wanted them and may have never even watched them. I'm just as guilty. I own TV series that I haven't gotten around to watching all of the discs I own. Some shows I've simply stopped watching “until I catch up” because I've gotten annoyed with the direction the show has taken.

It seems lately that I'm very aware of my mortality. Probably something to do with Easter. Either way, I think about these things and go into a bit of shock. I feel that I'm never going to accomplish anything because there is always more stuff. Libraries can be horrible places for me to go because sometimes I feel depressed that I'll never be able to read all of the books.

So what does this have to do with derby or parkour?

Everything.

It's easy to get overwhelmed and feel as though I won't ever accomplish anything when comparing myself. Even when I compare myself to myself, I can easily be overwhelmed. Knowing where I was and seeing how little I've improved because there hasn't not been the time is depressing and a bit debilitating. Watching others who started with you or after you advance because they have (or make) the time is just as bad. I could get a “normal” job (meaning one that happens between 9 am and 5 pm Monday through Friday) or go back to school and have more time but I would be even more miserable. I don't know.

I remember fairly early on being told that I would never be athletic enough to do roller derby. That scar is still there but it's healed because I know how wrong that person was to say that. It doesn't matter if I never make it onto a team. I know how unrealistic it is with the career path I've picked but that doesn't mean I can't try and have fun in the journey. I wouldn't even be here if it was for Betty introducing me to roller derby and giving me tickets to go watch my first bout. No matter how far I get with derby or parkour, I know that I owe it all to Betty and Rink. They encouraged me when I thought I'd never get anywhere. They loaned me gear to get me started and they've answered a million questions for me about everything. Betty helped me discover that roller derby is about self-discovery. I do know that if she didn't introduce me to this crazy world, I wouldn't be sitting here right now in the life I'm in. I wouldn't do parkour or be married. I don't think I'd even be knitting as much. Those years of listening to derby talk and not understanding it and finally getting it has been an important part of my path. I don't worship roller derby. I'm not obsessed nor do I fan-girl over it excessively. Perhaps it's my days working with famous performers that makes these goddesses on wheels more human to me, but I find it easy to interact with them and not go all goofy. Put me in the same room with my favorite band of all time and that will probably not be true. I don't need to know all the stats on all of the best players or all those other details that so many others know. I'll never be able to watch all of the derby bouts out there as there will always be more being played. Derby leagues seem to be popping up like wild flowers these days. I can barely make a bout due to my work schedule. There's no way I have the time to sit down and watch all of it on the internet.

And I'm okay with that. I don't have to enjoy derby or anything in life the same way that another person does. So long as I'm enjoying it and finding balance, then things are okay.

3 years later and stilling rolling

Valentine's day marked the 3rd year since I'd first put skates on in a hilarious attempt to go around a skating rink.

A lot has changed since then.

Due to the nature of my work and my life, I made a practice in October and then didn't skate at all until January. I kept meaning to go skating and things simply didn't work out and skating wasn't the priority.

The spring session of Debs has started off, though it was a rocky start. Our first practice, I had to work. Our next practice was canceled due to weather. That takes us to our third practice, my first one, where we spent some time on skates. I was extremely nervous because it was going to be my first time on skates since October. This was the first Sunday in February. I'll let you do the math.

To my surprise and delight, not only did I not suck, but I got compliments from the coaches! I was doing things well and I didn't feel unsteady or unsure. And it felt so good to be back on skates.

Of course, the next week, practice got canceled because of a horribly winter storm, though I did have a chance to skate during the week before. That meant Tuesday, the 12th, those of us who needed to do testing were going to meet at the guys' practice space.

Last session I had made it into the intermediate (purple) group, managed to make a few practices and then fell off the face of the derby world. I realized that the odds were not in my favor to still staying in purple but I wanted to try and I'm extremely glad that I did.

Due to this practice being added to my already insane schedule, I got there just in time for us to start and didn't have much of a chance to try out the floor. I think this was actually a good thing for me as it meant that I couldn't obsess over it. While we waited for the girls trying out for the scrimmage group to finish doing their 25 in 5, we chatted about what to expect and did some work off to the side. There was a grand total of 5 of us there for the purple group.

We started with the 25 in 5 so that the coaches could see how we'd do with the other skills when we were tired. Historically, I've gotten so far into my head with the 25 in 5 that I've always failed. This time, before I got onto the track, I prayed that I could just skate and not get into my head and freak out. And then we started. Normally, I fall during the first couple of laps and then during the last couple of laps. This time? I didn't fall once. In the first minute, I'd already completed 5 laps. I was done with my 10th lap just before the 2 minute mark (I had a counter and the coach who was timing was calling out time marks otherwise I wouldn't have any clue). In fact, I completed all 25 laps with 2 seconds to spare! I think I'm still in a bit of shock about this and it still feels a little unreal that 2 days short of my 3 year "anniversary" of skating I managed to do the 25 in 5. It's something that a lot of people struggle with and it is hard. You doubt yourself for a second and that can cost you the chance to finish by half a lap. I write this because one of the other girls did just that.

The rest of the testing was rather straight forward and a bit of a blur now. I had a lot going on this last week and so I wasn't getting into my head and freaking out, which helped a lot. It was interesting to me that the girls I was testing with all asked me why I was there because I had made it last session and why wasn't I testing for the scrimmage group. I pointed out that I had disappeared in the middle of the session and simply never made it back and while I had read the email about testing as a statement that to make it back into purple, I had to be there (meaning anyone who had made purple before), I knew that I definitely had to be there since it had been so long.

And I made it! The girls with me were all convinced that I had it in the bag but I knew how shaky I was compared with where I had been and I wasn't completely convinced. And if I hadn't made it, at least I knew I could make the 25 in 5. And sure enough, one of the comments I got was that I'm a lot more stable when I'm skating more often but that I should easily get back to where I was now that I'm back on skates.

I think there are several things that made a difference this time around for me. First in my faith and leaning on it when I'd otherwise just go into my head and be slightly neurotic. More interesting for me was the fact that while I was too busy to go skating, I kept being active. In the past when I've been too busy to skate, I've not gone out of my way to stay active. This time I did. A combination of parkour and yoga and general working out helped keep me in shape and I think it had a lot to do with keeping me in the purple group.

Adventures on ice and injuries later

On the 23rd, for the first time since I was about 13 or 14, I went ice skating. Back then, I had issues with most athletic activities. I liked the idea of skating (I use to have an American Girl doll, Samantha, and her winter story involved ice skating) but the actually activity was hard. Both times that I remember skating, I skated outside on a lake or pond. That's how ice skating is suppose to be done. Once, a now ex-boyfriend talked about ice skating while in Alabama and I was very confused. It hadn't occurred to me that people could skate on indoor ice rinks.

Now, so many years later, I got to try ice skating again. This time, I had roller skating experience and I wasn't doing it in hopes of holding hands with a cute boy (yes, that was true back then). We went to an indoor rink because while my step-daughters own ice skates, the rest of us in the family don't. I wish we had planned the location a little better but I've not had to work it out before. The place we went to, the Depot Ice Rink, was like going to the Roller Garden except it was ice instead of roller skating.

We got there and eventually got onto the ice. There was a bit of drama but that eventually passed. The strange thing was getting onto the ice. Ice is normally rather slippery. Derby has actually helped my ability to walk on ice. It felt exactly like the first time I went roller skating except I didn't wipe out. I also had more knowledge of what my body can do than when I first went roller skating.

Between all the moments of needing to tighten and loosen skates and discover that owned skates were too small, I had barely any time skating. Eventually, everyone settled down and I was able to skate. During one of these moments going around the rink, I looked over at my husband with, what I imagine to be, a look of sheer delight. Ice skates have edges! Two edges on each skate in fact! (No, I had no idea. I honestly believed that the skate was just pointy on the bottom.)

It was just like roller skating for a brief moment and I suddenly remembered the stride clinics at derby practice and all the working on inside and outside edges. With barely any effort, I was suddenly moving much faster as I pushed off the edges.

Having not been on skates in far too long (October I believe...), I was certainly able to feel this in my legs and feet. All of those muscles I haven't really used in a while were letting me know that they weren't too happy with me. It wasn't nearly as relaxing as skating can be as I was trying to move on a smaller surface with smaller edges than I'm use to. I certainly didn't like the narrow bar down the center of my feet.  But it was good to be back on skates of some sort. Of course, it also made me miss roller skating a lot.

Winter break and holidays being what they are (and we had the kids for the first half of it), it was too crazy for more skating. However, we had already paid for some parkour classes and needed to get them in before the end of the month. The plan was to take a class on the 27th and then on the 31st so we'd get all of our classes in. The 27th fell through but we were able to make a class on the 29th.

Less than 10 minutes into class, I managed to hurt myself rather impressively. I was doing a wall run where I placed one foot on the wall to push myself up and then the other foot to push away from the wall, doing a 180 degree spin and then landing. The move is called a tic tac. According to my husband, I was a good 4' in the air. Now my landing...well it sucked. I managed to land on the left side of my left foot. Thankfully my derby training taught me to just relax instead of stiffening up. My foot felt like it had fallen asleep and was just starting to wake back up.

My husband helped me hobble over to the futon in the gym while the instructor got me an ice pack. For the next 10 minutes or so, I put ice on it and kept it elevated. It hurt. I was able to get my shoe back on and do some arm exercises with rings (very useful and fun and hard at the same time).

It's now a week later and there are bruises on my foot and I've been extremely inactive because of not wanting to hurt my foot further. Thanks to derby, I already knew about R.I.C.E. (Rest Ice Compression Elevation) but the internet taught me about P.R.I.C.E. where "P" means protect from further injury. This ended up meaning that the last 3 days of my vacation were spent with my foot propped up and me not really moving. And when work resumed, I did a lot of office work and took short days (also, it's the last time I'll be able to take short days until who-knows-when). I'm still frustrated that my foot hurts, especially when it gets accidentally kicked or I have to sit out of a parkour class  and especially because it means I haven't been able to go skating. I'm also thankful that I'm not hurt worse. It could be a lot worse and it's certainly been a lot of pain. Normally when I get hurt, I usually go to my chiropractor and he fixes things. I'm not too sure about a foot. My husband hurt his ankle back in November and it took a few weeks for it to not hurt anymore. It'll probably be the same for me. I'm glad that it doesn't hurt to put weight on it though it does feel tight, I know that I can at least still walk.

Stuck

Disclaimer: I'm angsty but not quitting.

I've not posted for a while and with good reason. I've not been to practice since the end of October. It's not as though I've been skipping because I didn't want to go. I would have much rather have gone to practice than some of the things that I've had to do instead.

I feel stuck and not just with derby.

I use to actively read all the theatre trade magazines out there and was on top of all the new technology. I knew when new books by my favorite authors were coming out. I knew when bouts were happening. Now...not so much. Frankly, I'm not a good fangirl of anything. The only reason I know when my favorite band of all time is releasing a new album or going on tour is because I get emails from them. I don't do forums. Most of the news I get is through MPR or facebook. I learn about new movies or derby stuff from friends who have already known for months. I don't know the new derby rules. I don't spend hours online watching derby, sitting on forums and sucking up information about it. I don't do that with anything though.

This fall has kind of sucked in some ways. Being married is awesome. Work has been busy but there's been a lot of awesome things happening. But there has been a lot of suck. I've not made a single derby bout. I've made the 2nd half of the 2nd match of the first bout in September. Since then? Work has had some event that I've had to be at so no derby. And it's not just the not watching that I'm missing. Last season, I was able to volunteer a lot. I did the black eye booth and derby 101 and derby questions. This season so far? Nothing.

This is a new kind of frustration.

A lot of it has to do with priorities. They've certainly changed but then again, only in some ways. I see friends who have devoted their entire lives to derby, which is fine for them. But for me, I see idol worship. I don't want that and I know that that is what would happen to me if I did try to do it. On the other hand, the only way to get better is to be completely devoted to something. My Gramps use to talk about wishing that he could ski like Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly could dance but he always pointed out that all they would do is dance. That was their lives, so of course they were good at it. I've got too much. Family and work. Church and friends. Other activities (knitting, gaming, etc.) that take up time.

Last night I started to think about how I could make derby work or at least get more out of derby and give more to derby. The only answer I see right now is to find a different job. Unfortunately, I really like my job even when it throws curve balls and adds events at the last minute that mean I can't make the last derby practice of the session. And even if where I worked wasn't working out, I love the field I'm in, theatre. It's hard to have a theatre job in production that doesn't involve nights and weekends. I don't know how to balance work and derby. I don't think I could handle a 9-to-5-at-a-desk job. I would be miserable but I could do more with derby but doing more with derby wouldn't necessarily make me happier.

So what do I do?

I'm not sure. Sign up for the next session and hope I can make more practices. Go to the bouts, assuming there's nothing work related that would prevent me. Try to find balance somehow. I miss it. My body misses it. And I miss my friends.

Drum Corps to Derby to Parkour

Last weekend, I gave one of  my derby coaches a ride into practice. On our way there, she asked me how parkour was going and if I'd done it "in the wild". The more interesting question that she asked was this: Would I have done parkour if it wasn't for Debu-Taunts? She asked after I talked about knowing that it'll take me years to be able to do any of the really cool things that I see the coaches and the other people I try with do because I know that they've taken years to be able to do it. And honestly, no, I wouldn't have even tried parkour if I hadn't gotten involved in roller derby and the Debu-Taunts. To be fair, I probably wouldn't have done derby if I hadn't done drum corps.

Until I started doing derby, drum corps has been the hardest physical activity I'd been involved in. We ran. A lot. While breathing. In tempo. I remember one time that the horn players were told that the next one of us to drop our horns lower than where they should be would be forced to stand there while the rest of the corps ran a lap around the field. A couple of soprano players (trumpet sized bugle) dropped their angle and we all had to run while they stood there, knowing that they had let everyone else down by not doing their part. We spent all summer perfecting an 11 minute show. We did push-ups and practiced in the rain. Recently, I pulled out my old tour video and watched it.

Yes, that's really me.  No, my hair isn't that short anymore.

It's amazing how tan I was after that summer (and I did use sunscreen all summer but when you're outside all day, you end up getting tan regardless) and how awful my hair looks short. The other amazing thing is how tight of a team we were by the time we got to quarter finals. We laid it all out on the field and gave our best performance. Our coaches and staff told us to be proud of ourselves because we didn't hold back and that no matter what, no one would ever be able to take away the feeling that we were having. No score would ever change what we had done.

Fast-forward to a couple of years ago, long past my time doing drum corps. This fall is my fourth session in Debs. I've been hesitant about blogging because there is just so much to say that I don't know if I can even manage to get it all out. There have been some really awesome things like making it through sections of our jumping drills or managing to do real push-ups. But there have also been things that have gotten to me like freaking out over being timed to do as many laps as possible in 5 minutes or the fact that skating wasn't my priority this past summer. Yet there have been some amazing changes this session that I have seen in myself.

Our first on skates practice, we were told to be ready at 4pm, meaning on skates and in gear and ready to go. Since a couple of people showed up just a little before 4, they weren't ready. So the rest of us did push-ups and crunches until they were ready. My mind went straight back to those moments in drum corps when we had to do similar. It sucks to do them but it sucks even more to be the person who is causing it to be done. It hasn't happened since and while I know I mentally groaned, I didn't get bent out of shape for having to do it.

The day we did skill assessments, I was in my head even before I got to practice. I was convinced last year that I would make it into the contact ready group. I didn't. It took all year to figure out that it was because of my priorities (job is higher than derby in most cases) prevented me from being consistent in my training. By not being at practice every week, I wasn't able to build on what I was learning. In some ways, I was having to start at the same point every time instead of moving forward. I wasn't sure I could handle another session in the pink (beginner) group. Not that I don't have things to work on but I know I've moved past being terrified of being on wheels. As we worked through the different skill evaluations, I realized that we were oddly numbered at times. I ended up doing some of the drills more than once (one of them, the falling drill, I wanted to do again for my own peace of mind to show myself that I can do better double knee falls than I had done). Instead of letting someone finish on their own, I skated with them because even if we don't compete, we are a team. I know how many times it's helped me complete something when there's been someone else doing it besides me.

Non-skating bruise, but look at the pretty purple.

To my great shock and surprise, I've been moved up to the contact ready group. It's a new intermediate level, so we aren't scrimmaging but we are able to start hitting each other. I will admit to kind of being obsessive about checking my facebook status for the first several days afterwards to see the words I had posted about making contact ready. I may have even giggled in delight in seeing my name on the list of the purple (contact) group. Now I chuckle to myself that the contact group is the purple group because that's the color of bruises.



This was all a couple of weeks ago and I've since had my first contact practice. I think we were all eager and nervous about starting. I say this with confidence because we were thinking too much. Before we gave and received our first hits, we worked on driving, or pushing, someone right next to us. When we were simply skating next to each other with slimy spines (like a cat, leaning completely up against each other), we had no problems. Yet as soon as we were suppose to do something else, we all started to have issues, the main one being that we were no longer slimy.

It's hard sometimes to not think about something new. There's the question of where my weight goes and am I steering with the correct foot. Eventually, we'll get to the point where we just do it without thinking. Even now, we shouldn't think because it causes us to doubt ourselves.

Tonight, my husband and I went to a parkour class. As we drove down, he asked what was on my mind as I seemed inside my head. This wasn't a good sign. When we started to do warm-ups, I noticed that I was inside my head. I have no idea where I was in it, but I was definitely inside of it. I wondered if I should just stop then and not continue with class but it seems there's a strong streak of stubbornness in my family. Hoping that once I was working my body, I would get out of my head, I went ahead. We were working on vaults and there were a lot of us. In theory, vaults are easy. Especially when you use your upper body a lot, which I don't. I probably do more than others since I work in theatre but most of my power is in my legs.

The first vaults we ran through went well enough.


I'm still not confident enough about doing a speed vault, so I tend to do safety vaults, and I'm sure I could probably go faster on them. Then we got to the vault I hate most. I hate this vault more than I hate any of the plyometrics we've done in derby. This vault is difficult and awkward. The kong vault. Now for guys, it's not nearly as awkward but I am well endowed. Additionally, as a woman, my body is built differently than a man's so I can't just do what they do. I avoided going to the vault classes for a month once because they were focusing on kong vaults. That's how much I hate them. As we were reviewing them and working through an obstacle course, I was at the end of the line (there may have been one person behind me). This way, I would hopefully get some distance before a line of teenage boys (and my husband) got behind me, watching me struggle with this vault. I know from derby that I shouldn't care what others think and that I shouldn't compare myself to others but it's hard. It's hard watching these teenage punks (and my husband) effortlessly do something that seems impossible to me.


Easy, right? Except for that whole "getting your knees between your arms" bit, which I struggle with a lot. Sometimes I mentally blame derby because so much of what we do needs our knees apart (no really! for balance and stuff) that it's weird to have my knees together. There's also an exercise we do for derby called frog leaps (I also hate these, but not nearly as much as I hate kong vaults) where our arms are between our legs. I'm pretty sure I'm giving my body mixed messages (ie, fall in parkour, slap the ground and have your hands open; four point fall in derby, tuck in your fingers so no one rolls over them) but I'm hoping the differences in gear and environment is keeping too many wires from getting crossed.

Tonight, I got one-ish kong vault looking thing. I attempted a second and I was in my head, so much so that my instructors noticed. At least if I was freaking out over something specific (vaulting over bars is scary; I don't want to do a face plant), I could at least figure out a way to deal with it. Instead, I was simply wandering around in my head as though I was lost. As I struggled doing this a second time, on a higher beam, I got more frustrated. It's been a month since I'd gone to class (work/home life getting in the way) and I tend to be really hard on myself even when I know my circumstances. The more frustrated I got, the harder it became.  A comment was then made about watching my shins. I know it was suppose to be playful but I was way past the point of frustration. That ended up being the end of class for me. I walked away and calmed down enough to come back and watch what everyone else was doing. I was far too self-conscious to try anything else. One of the boys in the class did ask if I was okay, making sure I hadn't gotten hurt. How does one explain a bruised ego to a teenage boy though? It's not that I don't think they'd understand but more that I think they wouldn't understand the point. It's much easier in the abstract to say that I'm not going to be so hard on myself and that I know that it's something that takes time and work. When trying to do so in reality, sometimes frustration wins out.

Yet again, it all leads back to drum corps. If I can learn how to play a baritone bugle (I'm a flute player) in less than six months to successfully march in a drum corps, then I can certainly try roller skating. If I can go from not being able to stand, on carpet, in the worst skates (roller rink rentals) ever to learning to hit other women in two and a half years, then I can try parkour. In some ways, drum corps was easy. I'd done marching band and I studied music. I'd never done it so intensely, in the heat, never really knowing what state I was in, but I had a background that made it easier. Before I went to a roller rink on Valentine's day 2010, I don't think I'd ever put on skates. Maybe once at a family reunion a million years ago (the late 1980s) and if I did, I probably stayed on the grass and didn't actually skate on them. The most physical activity I'd done to that point was drum corps and work. I took a little bit of karate in college so I knew I had some form of coordination but that was about it.

That means for parkour, I'm already doing a physical activity in roller derby. I have a background there. I know how to move my body, mostly. I understand the importance of landing on the balls of my feet and bending my knees. There is a foundation. In my childhood, I didn't play on the monkey bars and do the crazy bar flips. I was afraid of heights and deemed such activities a sure sign of insanity. When we had a gymnastics unit in elementary school gym class, I could do a front roll and that was about it. Already, I've moved leaps and bounds ahead of where I was when I started parkour in June. If I can be working on cartwheels and vaults and jumping at walls on purpose in less than 5 months, how much more will I be able to do in two and a half years? I'm guessing it'll be a lot more.

Better Every Day

In that period of time between graduating from college and finding a real job, I decided to run away and join a drum corps for the summer. No, seriously. I had no idea what I was going to do after college, so I decided to learn a completely new instrument and ride around on a bus, touring the US while learning an 11 minute show.

That 11 minutes would change my life.

It's been almost a decade since that summer and I still look back on it fondly. A small part of me regrets part of the reason I did it, which was to prove to someone else (another drum corps) that I could march in a division I corps. (Note: Back when I marched, there were 3 divisions of competition. Division I was the elite and large drum corps) Yet, even for that crummy reason to march (this is why I didn't start skating again just to prove to some people in a small league that I could do it; they wouldn't care and it would be the wrong attitude), I learned a lot of valuable things from it.

We marched with the motto of "Better Every Day". Too often in life, we're worried about how we compare to others and we want to be better than them. In my drum corps, The Pioneer, Better Every Day was about self. You never compared yourself (in theory) to your peers but to yourself. Yesterday, you could hold the horn up for 2 minutes without getting shaky arms, then today you strive for 2.5 minutes. It was about seeing the small improvements and then being able to look back over a period of time and seeing how big all of those small improvements really were.

This was probably one of the best things I learned because man has it come in handy over the years.

Last summer, I was epically sick and could barely breath, so I didn't skate much until just before Debs started up again. This summer, it's been a matter of priorities. Over the course of the summer, I've come to terms with the fact that skating isn't my number one priority and that this is an Okay Thing. I work a very demanding job and I'm newly married AND I'm suddenly a Parental Figure. Responsibilities have changed as has my time commitments. Instead of freaking out and despairing melodramatically about how I'm stuck in a place and how Everyone Else Has Surpassed Me, I'm thinking more about the little things that I have improved on.

I can look back on this blog and read all of the things that I can now do, but the biggest one has been my change in confidence and attitude. I'm so happy for my Deb sisters who made it through boot camp and thrilled at those who were drafted. I know that I'm going to be far below in skill compared to those who didn't get drafted but hey, they just spent a summer getting their butts kicked by roller girls. They worked *hard* all summer and I know that it's not a commitment I can make in my life right now. This is also an Okay Thing. It's hard work and I enjoy it and I love how much I've improved.

Saturday I took a free parkour class offered at Fight or Flight Academy and then had an hour to kill before the class I was taking as part of my membership. So what did I do in that hour to stay limber? I went and found a place to skate for a bit. This was, annoyingly, my first time on my Antiks and to say I love them is a huge understatement. They felt like an extension of me. It was amazing! I didn't have much time on them between trying to find a place to skate, my husband calling and then having to get back to the gym, but it was a blast.

It was actually that second class that inspired me to write. One of the biggest things I've been learning in parkour is how to change downward momentum into forward momentum. This involves rolling. My dear husband has challenged me to be able to do a roll while wearing skates. I'm not entirely sure that this will ever happen but then I never thought I'd do parkour or derby either, so we'll see.

At 4pm on Saturdays, the gym offers two parkour classes; a beginner's class and a 30+ class. Often the two classes are lumped together but yesterday I was asked what I wanted to work on. I was surprised to learn that I was going to get my own 30+ class, which would really be more like a private lesson as I was the only one who qualified for that age group. I asked if we could work on rolling because it's been one of my weak points. I then spent an hour rolling and doing various exercises to improve my rolls.

Having spent two years learning how to fall on my knees and to fall small, it's been interesting trying to roll long. Rolling long means that my energy and momentum is moving forward instead of down, which would be into the ground and hurt. It's been really frustrating (and makes me dizzy) to keep trying these rolls and only feeling myself flop onto the ground and do something that isn't at all like a roll. Yet, over the course of the hour, Skinny, the trainer, started to point out all of the little things that were improving in my rolls. They were smoother. This one was longer. Once I started using my legs (there's a blog post about explosives legs being in derby and parkour somewhere in my head) and arms, instead of just letting them exist, I got more power in my rolls and could stand up. By the time we were done (Skinny insisted that I end on a good note), I was actually doing shoulder rolls that looked and felt how they were suppose to, mostly. 

It felt really good to hear that I should be working on and celebrating the small improvements because over time, they will become big ones. It was also encouraging to hear that all of these things require constant training and that you never stop working on the basics.

Over the course of the afternoon, I could feel all of those small changes and how big of a change they've had in me. I know that tomorrow I will be better at skating than I was today because I'm working on things off my skates and finding time to get back on my skates. Tomorrow, I'll get better at parkour because I'll find time to work on one thing to improve some muscle.

I am thankful that there's about 3 weeks left until Debs starts up again because I know I'm going to need it. I'm not sure where skating and derby are going to land on my overall priority list but I do know that my main goal is to get better every day.