Drum Corps to Derby to Parkour

Last weekend, I gave one of  my derby coaches a ride into practice. On our way there, she asked me how parkour was going and if I'd done it "in the wild". The more interesting question that she asked was this: Would I have done parkour if it wasn't for Debu-Taunts? She asked after I talked about knowing that it'll take me years to be able to do any of the really cool things that I see the coaches and the other people I try with do because I know that they've taken years to be able to do it. And honestly, no, I wouldn't have even tried parkour if I hadn't gotten involved in roller derby and the Debu-Taunts. To be fair, I probably wouldn't have done derby if I hadn't done drum corps.

Until I started doing derby, drum corps has been the hardest physical activity I'd been involved in. We ran. A lot. While breathing. In tempo. I remember one time that the horn players were told that the next one of us to drop our horns lower than where they should be would be forced to stand there while the rest of the corps ran a lap around the field. A couple of soprano players (trumpet sized bugle) dropped their angle and we all had to run while they stood there, knowing that they had let everyone else down by not doing their part. We spent all summer perfecting an 11 minute show. We did push-ups and practiced in the rain. Recently, I pulled out my old tour video and watched it.

Yes, that's really me.  No, my hair isn't that short anymore.

It's amazing how tan I was after that summer (and I did use sunscreen all summer but when you're outside all day, you end up getting tan regardless) and how awful my hair looks short. The other amazing thing is how tight of a team we were by the time we got to quarter finals. We laid it all out on the field and gave our best performance. Our coaches and staff told us to be proud of ourselves because we didn't hold back and that no matter what, no one would ever be able to take away the feeling that we were having. No score would ever change what we had done.

Fast-forward to a couple of years ago, long past my time doing drum corps. This fall is my fourth session in Debs. I've been hesitant about blogging because there is just so much to say that I don't know if I can even manage to get it all out. There have been some really awesome things like making it through sections of our jumping drills or managing to do real push-ups. But there have also been things that have gotten to me like freaking out over being timed to do as many laps as possible in 5 minutes or the fact that skating wasn't my priority this past summer. Yet there have been some amazing changes this session that I have seen in myself.

Our first on skates practice, we were told to be ready at 4pm, meaning on skates and in gear and ready to go. Since a couple of people showed up just a little before 4, they weren't ready. So the rest of us did push-ups and crunches until they were ready. My mind went straight back to those moments in drum corps when we had to do similar. It sucks to do them but it sucks even more to be the person who is causing it to be done. It hasn't happened since and while I know I mentally groaned, I didn't get bent out of shape for having to do it.

The day we did skill assessments, I was in my head even before I got to practice. I was convinced last year that I would make it into the contact ready group. I didn't. It took all year to figure out that it was because of my priorities (job is higher than derby in most cases) prevented me from being consistent in my training. By not being at practice every week, I wasn't able to build on what I was learning. In some ways, I was having to start at the same point every time instead of moving forward. I wasn't sure I could handle another session in the pink (beginner) group. Not that I don't have things to work on but I know I've moved past being terrified of being on wheels. As we worked through the different skill evaluations, I realized that we were oddly numbered at times. I ended up doing some of the drills more than once (one of them, the falling drill, I wanted to do again for my own peace of mind to show myself that I can do better double knee falls than I had done). Instead of letting someone finish on their own, I skated with them because even if we don't compete, we are a team. I know how many times it's helped me complete something when there's been someone else doing it besides me.

Non-skating bruise, but look at the pretty purple.

To my great shock and surprise, I've been moved up to the contact ready group. It's a new intermediate level, so we aren't scrimmaging but we are able to start hitting each other. I will admit to kind of being obsessive about checking my facebook status for the first several days afterwards to see the words I had posted about making contact ready. I may have even giggled in delight in seeing my name on the list of the purple (contact) group. Now I chuckle to myself that the contact group is the purple group because that's the color of bruises.



This was all a couple of weeks ago and I've since had my first contact practice. I think we were all eager and nervous about starting. I say this with confidence because we were thinking too much. Before we gave and received our first hits, we worked on driving, or pushing, someone right next to us. When we were simply skating next to each other with slimy spines (like a cat, leaning completely up against each other), we had no problems. Yet as soon as we were suppose to do something else, we all started to have issues, the main one being that we were no longer slimy.

It's hard sometimes to not think about something new. There's the question of where my weight goes and am I steering with the correct foot. Eventually, we'll get to the point where we just do it without thinking. Even now, we shouldn't think because it causes us to doubt ourselves.

Tonight, my husband and I went to a parkour class. As we drove down, he asked what was on my mind as I seemed inside my head. This wasn't a good sign. When we started to do warm-ups, I noticed that I was inside my head. I have no idea where I was in it, but I was definitely inside of it. I wondered if I should just stop then and not continue with class but it seems there's a strong streak of stubbornness in my family. Hoping that once I was working my body, I would get out of my head, I went ahead. We were working on vaults and there were a lot of us. In theory, vaults are easy. Especially when you use your upper body a lot, which I don't. I probably do more than others since I work in theatre but most of my power is in my legs.

The first vaults we ran through went well enough.


I'm still not confident enough about doing a speed vault, so I tend to do safety vaults, and I'm sure I could probably go faster on them. Then we got to the vault I hate most. I hate this vault more than I hate any of the plyometrics we've done in derby. This vault is difficult and awkward. The kong vault. Now for guys, it's not nearly as awkward but I am well endowed. Additionally, as a woman, my body is built differently than a man's so I can't just do what they do. I avoided going to the vault classes for a month once because they were focusing on kong vaults. That's how much I hate them. As we were reviewing them and working through an obstacle course, I was at the end of the line (there may have been one person behind me). This way, I would hopefully get some distance before a line of teenage boys (and my husband) got behind me, watching me struggle with this vault. I know from derby that I shouldn't care what others think and that I shouldn't compare myself to others but it's hard. It's hard watching these teenage punks (and my husband) effortlessly do something that seems impossible to me.


Easy, right? Except for that whole "getting your knees between your arms" bit, which I struggle with a lot. Sometimes I mentally blame derby because so much of what we do needs our knees apart (no really! for balance and stuff) that it's weird to have my knees together. There's also an exercise we do for derby called frog leaps (I also hate these, but not nearly as much as I hate kong vaults) where our arms are between our legs. I'm pretty sure I'm giving my body mixed messages (ie, fall in parkour, slap the ground and have your hands open; four point fall in derby, tuck in your fingers so no one rolls over them) but I'm hoping the differences in gear and environment is keeping too many wires from getting crossed.

Tonight, I got one-ish kong vault looking thing. I attempted a second and I was in my head, so much so that my instructors noticed. At least if I was freaking out over something specific (vaulting over bars is scary; I don't want to do a face plant), I could at least figure out a way to deal with it. Instead, I was simply wandering around in my head as though I was lost. As I struggled doing this a second time, on a higher beam, I got more frustrated. It's been a month since I'd gone to class (work/home life getting in the way) and I tend to be really hard on myself even when I know my circumstances. The more frustrated I got, the harder it became.  A comment was then made about watching my shins. I know it was suppose to be playful but I was way past the point of frustration. That ended up being the end of class for me. I walked away and calmed down enough to come back and watch what everyone else was doing. I was far too self-conscious to try anything else. One of the boys in the class did ask if I was okay, making sure I hadn't gotten hurt. How does one explain a bruised ego to a teenage boy though? It's not that I don't think they'd understand but more that I think they wouldn't understand the point. It's much easier in the abstract to say that I'm not going to be so hard on myself and that I know that it's something that takes time and work. When trying to do so in reality, sometimes frustration wins out.

Yet again, it all leads back to drum corps. If I can learn how to play a baritone bugle (I'm a flute player) in less than six months to successfully march in a drum corps, then I can certainly try roller skating. If I can go from not being able to stand, on carpet, in the worst skates (roller rink rentals) ever to learning to hit other women in two and a half years, then I can try parkour. In some ways, drum corps was easy. I'd done marching band and I studied music. I'd never done it so intensely, in the heat, never really knowing what state I was in, but I had a background that made it easier. Before I went to a roller rink on Valentine's day 2010, I don't think I'd ever put on skates. Maybe once at a family reunion a million years ago (the late 1980s) and if I did, I probably stayed on the grass and didn't actually skate on them. The most physical activity I'd done to that point was drum corps and work. I took a little bit of karate in college so I knew I had some form of coordination but that was about it.

That means for parkour, I'm already doing a physical activity in roller derby. I have a background there. I know how to move my body, mostly. I understand the importance of landing on the balls of my feet and bending my knees. There is a foundation. In my childhood, I didn't play on the monkey bars and do the crazy bar flips. I was afraid of heights and deemed such activities a sure sign of insanity. When we had a gymnastics unit in elementary school gym class, I could do a front roll and that was about it. Already, I've moved leaps and bounds ahead of where I was when I started parkour in June. If I can be working on cartwheels and vaults and jumping at walls on purpose in less than 5 months, how much more will I be able to do in two and a half years? I'm guessing it'll be a lot more.

Better Every Day

In that period of time between graduating from college and finding a real job, I decided to run away and join a drum corps for the summer. No, seriously. I had no idea what I was going to do after college, so I decided to learn a completely new instrument and ride around on a bus, touring the US while learning an 11 minute show.

That 11 minutes would change my life.

It's been almost a decade since that summer and I still look back on it fondly. A small part of me regrets part of the reason I did it, which was to prove to someone else (another drum corps) that I could march in a division I corps. (Note: Back when I marched, there were 3 divisions of competition. Division I was the elite and large drum corps) Yet, even for that crummy reason to march (this is why I didn't start skating again just to prove to some people in a small league that I could do it; they wouldn't care and it would be the wrong attitude), I learned a lot of valuable things from it.

We marched with the motto of "Better Every Day". Too often in life, we're worried about how we compare to others and we want to be better than them. In my drum corps, The Pioneer, Better Every Day was about self. You never compared yourself (in theory) to your peers but to yourself. Yesterday, you could hold the horn up for 2 minutes without getting shaky arms, then today you strive for 2.5 minutes. It was about seeing the small improvements and then being able to look back over a period of time and seeing how big all of those small improvements really were.

This was probably one of the best things I learned because man has it come in handy over the years.

Last summer, I was epically sick and could barely breath, so I didn't skate much until just before Debs started up again. This summer, it's been a matter of priorities. Over the course of the summer, I've come to terms with the fact that skating isn't my number one priority and that this is an Okay Thing. I work a very demanding job and I'm newly married AND I'm suddenly a Parental Figure. Responsibilities have changed as has my time commitments. Instead of freaking out and despairing melodramatically about how I'm stuck in a place and how Everyone Else Has Surpassed Me, I'm thinking more about the little things that I have improved on.

I can look back on this blog and read all of the things that I can now do, but the biggest one has been my change in confidence and attitude. I'm so happy for my Deb sisters who made it through boot camp and thrilled at those who were drafted. I know that I'm going to be far below in skill compared to those who didn't get drafted but hey, they just spent a summer getting their butts kicked by roller girls. They worked *hard* all summer and I know that it's not a commitment I can make in my life right now. This is also an Okay Thing. It's hard work and I enjoy it and I love how much I've improved.

Saturday I took a free parkour class offered at Fight or Flight Academy and then had an hour to kill before the class I was taking as part of my membership. So what did I do in that hour to stay limber? I went and found a place to skate for a bit. This was, annoyingly, my first time on my Antiks and to say I love them is a huge understatement. They felt like an extension of me. It was amazing! I didn't have much time on them between trying to find a place to skate, my husband calling and then having to get back to the gym, but it was a blast.

It was actually that second class that inspired me to write. One of the biggest things I've been learning in parkour is how to change downward momentum into forward momentum. This involves rolling. My dear husband has challenged me to be able to do a roll while wearing skates. I'm not entirely sure that this will ever happen but then I never thought I'd do parkour or derby either, so we'll see.

At 4pm on Saturdays, the gym offers two parkour classes; a beginner's class and a 30+ class. Often the two classes are lumped together but yesterday I was asked what I wanted to work on. I was surprised to learn that I was going to get my own 30+ class, which would really be more like a private lesson as I was the only one who qualified for that age group. I asked if we could work on rolling because it's been one of my weak points. I then spent an hour rolling and doing various exercises to improve my rolls.

Having spent two years learning how to fall on my knees and to fall small, it's been interesting trying to roll long. Rolling long means that my energy and momentum is moving forward instead of down, which would be into the ground and hurt. It's been really frustrating (and makes me dizzy) to keep trying these rolls and only feeling myself flop onto the ground and do something that isn't at all like a roll. Yet, over the course of the hour, Skinny, the trainer, started to point out all of the little things that were improving in my rolls. They were smoother. This one was longer. Once I started using my legs (there's a blog post about explosives legs being in derby and parkour somewhere in my head) and arms, instead of just letting them exist, I got more power in my rolls and could stand up. By the time we were done (Skinny insisted that I end on a good note), I was actually doing shoulder rolls that looked and felt how they were suppose to, mostly. 

It felt really good to hear that I should be working on and celebrating the small improvements because over time, they will become big ones. It was also encouraging to hear that all of these things require constant training and that you never stop working on the basics.

Over the course of the afternoon, I could feel all of those small changes and how big of a change they've had in me. I know that tomorrow I will be better at skating than I was today because I'm working on things off my skates and finding time to get back on my skates. Tomorrow, I'll get better at parkour because I'll find time to work on one thing to improve some muscle.

I am thankful that there's about 3 weeks left until Debs starts up again because I know I'm going to need it. I'm not sure where skating and derby are going to land on my overall priority list but I do know that my main goal is to get better every day.

Crosstraining

During the season, we do what is called dry land practices. This is a brutal off skates practice that helps us to build muscles and endurance so that we're better on our skates. I love and loathe these practices. It's awesome what I can get my body to do when I push it hard but the next two days usually suck as I hurt everywhere.

It is strongly recommended (though not required; remember, I'm in a recreational league) to do dry lands on our own and to do some cross training to build up muscles and endurance. I've gotten better at doing some exercises on my own, mostly balance and core exercises, and eventually the endurance will be come once my bike is repaired by my husband, which will happen after our bedroom is finished. Why are there never enough hours in the day? The great thing is that he use to bike hundreds of miles in a day. He's not at that level anymore, but he's going to help increase my endurance by getting me to keep up with how far he goes.

But I wanted more than just core work and biking. My husband also trains in parkour and after some nudging, he's gotten me into it. So what is parkour?

According to wikipedia, "parkour is a physical discipline and non-competitive sport which focuses on efficient movement around obstacles", but what does that end up looking like? It looks something like this:


I can't actually do any of that. Yet. I mean, I've only been training since the beginning of June but it reminds me a lot of derby.

The guy in the video, he's one of the trainers and owners at Fight of Flight Academy and he's said some things that have really stuck with me and reinforce what I've already learned in derby.

Keep trying and training and remember where you are now because in a week, a month and a year, you will have improved if you keep training.

This isn't an accurate quote but the meaning is there. Within the gym, there are areas that are deemed impossible and they practically are impossible. I've learned though that sometimes traceurs (this is what someone who does parkour is called) work on something not to succeed at it but to push themselves harder. Last week, the class I took got to experience these areas. Watching our trainer attempt to do a move and fail because it's so difficult helped me to know that it's okay if I fail. He then pointed out that even though you may never be able to do that move, over time, you can look back and see how far you've come. He also pointed out that you're still working the muscles, so it's not a waste to do the move as best you can.

This mindset helps so much in derby. My first session of Debs, all I could see was my weaknesses. I thought it was being realistic when really, it was preventing me from improving. It took others pointing out how far I'd come that I was able to appreciate where I was then. Even though there are still things I struggle with, there are so many things that have improved and I can easily look back and remember when it was deemed, by myself, impossible to do those things. It's also a good reminder that you just can't show up once a week and expect to improve. You must continue to train and only then will you see improvement.

Commit to your move

Often in roller derby, I've not committed to something. Sometimes it's a stop, sometimes it's turning around. It's even been not committing to just staying standing. By not committing, I'm giving myself permission to fail. That lack of commitment automatically leads to failure as I don't believe I can do it.

Guess what? The same is true in parkour.

Last week in class, we were learning a new (to me) move. We'd already been training for a while and we were building up to more complicated moves. There were several times that I failed. It didn't take much for the problem to be found. It wasn't my shoes or my abilities. It was that I hadn't committed to the move. The times when I was close to making the move or when I did get it right, I was committed to doing it and I knew I would do it. When I hesitated or simply didn't give it my all, I failed. I was trying to learn how to do a shoulder roll (think a somersault, but going at an angle). At one point, I simply ended up flopping onto the ground and roll on my side. Before anything was said to me, I blurted out "I know, I wasn't committed!" That lack of commitment kind of hurts. We train on mats but it still hurts to just flop down onto a floor with mats. While I was a bit dizzy at that point, that really doesn't excuse deciding to not commit. It's the same thing when I'm on skates. If I'm not going to commit to a movement, I shouldn't do it as it'll just end up hurting.

Get out of your head

One of my biggest problems with skating is that I think too much. My coaches always know when I'm in my head and it's often because I'm trying to figure out what my body is suppose to be doing instead of letting it do it. These times are when I screw up the most. When I stop thinking, things flow and suddenly my body knows what I'm doing.

I have approached obstacles in my parkour class and stopped dead in front of it because I started thinking. It's often the thought that this is kind of scary or trying to figure out which leg goes where but I end up not being able to do it. It's funny how active thought can cause the body to stop functioning.

When I went to Colorado over the 4th of July holiday, I ended up needing to blow off some steam. I went for a walk and eventually came to a parking lot. Since starting parkour (it's very addicting), I've started to look at my environment differently and wondering if I can move over obstacles instead of around them. (The same thing happened with skating except it was more a question of what it would be like to skate on a particular surface.) In almost a zen state of mind, I started doing safety vaults in the parking lot. By the time I was done, I was running at the barriers in front of me and vaulting over them successfully. Except when I started to think about what I was doing. I wanted to work on a couple of other vaults and couldn't quite remember how the are executed but thinking about it caused me to essentially freeze up and not be able to do anymore vaults.

No Pain, No Gain?

After dry land practices, we're told that we're going to feel it in our muscles the next day and that this is a good thing because it means we worked hard. I get the same thing with parkour. The funny thing is that even though it hurts and I'm sore and moving seems a bit too much, I no longer think of it as pain. A couple of years ago, being out of breath and having my core be aching would have been torture and more pain than I could handle. Today? I like the feeling. I feel alive and accomplished. Every time I leave feeling exhausted, I want to do it again. I've even taken parkour classes two days in a row. This may not have been my best idea ever, but it was an amazing feeling. I think I need to come up with a new phrase as I'm gaining so much (working on balance and core as well as some of the mental road blocks) but it's no longer seen as pain. If there has been nothing else that I've gained from derby (and there's been a LOT), I know that this change in attitude has made my life so much more than it's ever been.

Nose, knee, toe

Do you remember being really young and there was that silly song where you placed your hands on your shoulders, knees and toes? I do and I started mentally humming the tune to myself yesterday after one of our coaches, Harmony, said that we needed to remember to keep our nose, knees and toes in line. Not quite the same rhythm but it works.

Yesterday we worked on strides. Last session, I had to work on the day that we had the stride clinic. This made me both sad and annoyed. I love my job, a lot. It's what I'm suppose to be doing and I love it, but sometimes it comes at the expense of other things. I think that this is true of all things we love. We can't love them all to the same level and sometimes one thing takes priority over another. I skipped skating at the dome once to encourage my future step-daughter at her derby practice as her older sister (also in derby) had a concert that night and my fiancee couldn't be at two places at the same time.

We started with a review of our edges and remembering where they are because it turns out that you use your edges for everything! Somehow, this doesn't surprise me in the least. I'm good with where my inside edges are and I can find my outside edges on my right foot really well but not on my left foot. Guess what I'm going to start working on?

I wish I could clearly write about the technical stuff that we did but I'm not really sure how to explain it yet. I know that we learn by teaching but this was such a physical and visual thing that I'm not sure how to describe it. I also don't quite get it yet. I know I will eventually and I'm being really kind about myself because it was my first time through the clinic. I'd heard wonderful things about it from last session and really was down on myself for having to work that day. Priorities and responsibilities can be annoying at times.

When we were divided into groups, we self-assessed our skill level. Group 1 was for people who felt they were experts at the skill while Group 4 was for those who were really new to skating. I was in Group 2. Yeah, that's right, Miss I'm-Never-Going-to-Advance was at the top end of things and it felt good and right. I also made a point to not compare myself to others, though during one drill I nearly forgot to go because I was impressed how the person in front of me was doing. She and I were both in pink last session and wow has she improved! It was awesome.

Some of the drills were awkward. Mostly it was when we broke down the cross-over. We did the stride with the right foot only. Then we crossed behind with our left foot. This was definitely an awkward moose. You could cheat and push your right foot in front but that's not working the right muscles. Our groups broke into smaller ones as we all went around a set of 4 cones. The first time my sub-group went, I struggled. I wasn't dropping my left hip enough and I was way too rigid. Of course, I wasn't aware of this until it was pointed out but once it was, I could feel the tense. The second time around, I let myself relax and ended up falling. Not low enough but at least my foot was starting to get where it was suppose to do. At some point, I actually felt it. I'm not sure I repeated it but I had one Ah-Ha! moment that I could feel the difference. The best part of that was hearing our coaches reassure us that it was hard and that we wouldn't just magically be able to do cross-overs overnight. When we put the cross-overs together, I could get my left leg back and I was pushing with it. This means that it's most likely in my head and I'm freaking out over doing just the left leg part.

The best was yet to come. We grouped together to have two groups and got onto each track. Our practice space has a front and a back track which is fantastic. We can use both and have less girls on each track while still having more girls working at the same time. Harmony was with my group. She had each smaller group (1 and 2) do pace lines around the track. We skated the diamond (outside on the straightaways and inside at the top of the apex) while doing cross-overs. Once the person in front skated a lap, they would fall back. It was interesting to watch the girls who are more comfortable with them working on it and see both strengths and weaknesses. Despite mostly turning off the voice that says how much better everyone else is than me, it still sometimes speaks up, so it's good for me to see other people who I look up to having a hard time. After each group had done a pace line, Harmony took the lead. She said that she learned her stride mostly from skating behind other skaters and learning from them. She wanted us to each skate a lap behind her and start our crossovers not when she did but where she did. I would have loved to have skated several laps behind her. One didn't seem nearly enough to learn everything but then again, there's so many parts that it would take more than just an afternoon skating behind her to get it. It was surprising how much slower her legs changed places. I expected it to be faster.

So what does my title have to do with stride? Everything. Our nose, knee and toe should always be in line. Our head isn't moving but our feet and we continue to put our feet back to the same place and we get a good stride. It also has us balanced. This starts getting into the technical part with edges but even though you're pushing out to the side, you still end up skating a straight line if you keep your nose, knee and toes in line.

There's one thing I'm going to start doing at the end of every post. I'm going to list the things that I need to work on and then the things that I did really well. I'm not forgetting these things as often as I use to (I use to only see the bad) and I think that it's good to record it so that I can see my progress.

Things to work on

• Outside edge on both feet
• Smoothing transition from foot to foot while striding
• Pushing with my left leg independently using the outside edge
• Relaxing my hips
• Getting lower and bending my knees more

Things that were AWESOME

• Circle turns (using edges to go around in a circle; in the past I've always fallen; yesterday and the week before I went all the way around each one without falling)
• Opening up my chest doing crossovers once I realized I should be looking across the circle
• Four point fall after tripping on the weird lip on the side
• Getting low when doing single foot strides (though I'm sure I could have gotten lower)
• My T-stops were awesome yesterday
• The brief Ah-Ha moment with my left leg
• Getting a compliment about looking good and not immediately falling after hearing it.

Well how did that happen?

Today at practice, I had to leave early due to work but there was a big, no, a HUGE eureka moment for me today.

This was our first non-assessment practice on skates. For all I know, it was also our first practice entirely on skates (that whole leaving early thing leaves one in the dark sometimes). We started with a warm-up of 80/100s. First, I realized that I no longer hate this drill. I mean, it's still hard (skate at 80% speed for a minute, then at 100% speed for 30 seconds and then back to 80%, repeat) but I don't feel as though I'm going to die. Second, to my surprise, my feet didn't hate me either and actually moved most of the time. It's still not all of the time but it's certainly more than it use to be and I'm certainly gaining speed. I was vaguely aware of people telling me that I was looking good when I'd zip past them. And I think I was actually zipping past people.

I wasn't looking forward to practice. I knew I'd have to leave early and I've been in a funk the last couple of days. Personal life can sometimes take it out of you and it certainly has been draining for me. I was so angry and frustrated last night that I couldn't even lay down to sleep until almost 2am and that was mostly because I killed my phone's battery and it seemed like too much effort to get out of bed to charge it so I could keep wasting time. Sleep didn't come easily and I certainly didn't feel rested. So I wasn't really looking forward to practice because I was convinced that I'd be too much in my head and that I'd not get anything out of it. Add on top of it that my skates, my lovely Vanilla Curves which I love and adore, aren't really good derby skates. There's no support in the ankle area because they're jam skates and you want loose ankles when you jam skate. So now, instead of buying new boots, I'm looking into temporary fixes as there are other things that are higher priority money-wise. I've spent a little time on my skates and learned at last week's practice that I've cranked down on my bushings too much so I probably need a harder set of the magic cushions. The time I spent on my skates was trying to adjust my trucks so that I wouldn't have another expense. Getting them loose enough so that the bushings are bulging makes them too loose for me so I've combined my old, really hard bushings with the magic cushion, which seemed to do the trick.

When we were allowed to skate before practice started, I let me worries and anxieties and all the other things that would keep me in my head and felt myself pushing them out of my mind with every push of my skate. I don't know if there was a physical difference to be seen in me but it certainly felt different.

After warm-ups and stretching, we worked on edging. Somehow I ended up towards the higher end of skill level (we were to self-assess and I put myself in the middle; when groups were formed, my group was the second to the high end) and I was actually okay with that. See, I've had a problem with skating knock-kneed. To fix this, I've been doing a lot of sticky skating which means I've gotten to know pretty well where to find my edges. Of course, finding them when I'm being deliberate and trying to build up certain muscles and knowing where they are and using them all the time are two different things.

As we worked through the different drills, we got to one that I've always dreaded because I struggle with it. It's edging work where we skate around a cone. Pretty much every time I've done this, I have fallen. The whole "body-working-as-one-unit" thing usually isn't happening when we get to this drill. I didn't care though. I didn't care what I'd done in the past because I'd built on that. I'd managed earlier to fall during the 80/100s and get back up while I was still sliding, which is a new thing. It's the way it's suppose to be but I've not noticed myself doing it before. To my honest amazement, I got through the drill without falling, stumbling or flailing for the first time ever. I think I actually shocked myself a bit. It wasn't perfect but it was certainly what I was suppose to be doing.

It's often said that if you aren't falling in derby, then you aren't trying hard enough. Part of me wondered if perhaps that was true today until I got out of my skates and started walking. There are definitely muscles in my legs that aren't happy with me for the work I did today. I think often, my falling was almost a reaction, a "I have no idea what to do, but I can fall" sort of reaction. That seems to be out of my system. If I fall, it's usually that I've pushed a little harder than I realized I could go, such as during the 80/100s. When I fell, I think I was going faster than I'm use to and I did something that caused me to fall. I honestly have no idea what happened other than I was down, doing a baseball slide and then back up again. We did cone weaving and had the option of doing it on one foot, so I decided that I should try it. I didn't try it. I did it.

I know it's all been tiny little steps and hops but it's certainly caught me off-guard with how much has changed. I know that I'm not the only one who sees it either. It seems as though every practice, at least one or two more people comment about how much I've improved from where I use to be, sometimes even just where I was a week before. This is absolutely exhilarating to suddenly see so many new strengths in my body and my skills.

It's become my story now

First, before going into the meaning of the title of this post or writing about the awesomeness of yesterday, I most post this photo.

This picture was taken by my Sweetie before Derby 101 as the first All-Star game of the Minnesota Roller-girls of this season. That's me. On the jammer line. We stage the demo so we know what to describe to the audience. I think it was mostly a sense of confidence and maybe even a little bit of nerves that got me to volunteer to be the lead jammer. This in part was because my Sweetie was sitting on the jammer line track-side. Not that I need to impress him or anyone but I thought it would be kind of spiffy to get to be lead jammer. I managed to skate all of the Derby 101 demos at the TC Terrors bouts but this was my first time doing it for MNRG. Over the course of the TC Terrors season, I managed to skate every position, though I didn't play lead jammer. As this will be the last time this season I can do Derby 101, I wanted to be able to say that I skated all of the positions. 

When we were practicing on the back track, I slipped on my cross-over and fell. The other jammer also fell so that she didn't get ahead of me. This was scripted after all. I jokingly said that hopefully that got the falling out of my system and that it wouldn't happen in front of people. She assured me that if I did fall, she'd just fall again. 

After what felt like an eternity backstage (even derby has periods of "hurry up and wait"), we got to go out. As we skated into position, I heard someone shout "GO FERRET" though I never figured out who it was but I'm pretty sure I smiled on hearing it. Confession: I have extreme stage fright. But Ferret, you're surely thinking, you wearing bosom-enhancing outfits and write on your cleavage out at the Ren Fest and have no problems! Yeah, but I'm hawking among of a sea of people. I don't have stage lights on me or an audience cheering. I'm competing to be heard over the crowds. I work in theatre and there have been times in which I've had to go onto stage when there's been an audience and I can be seen. In my world, that means something has gone wrong or I've screwed something up. Thankfully it's usually been that something has gone wrong and needs to be fixed but I still come off the stage shaking. Sometimes, during set changes with orchestras, I'm out on stage in full light but then there's a lot of movement. It isn't just me. 

If you look at this picture, you'll notice that I'm only on one toe stop. That's because I was shaking so badly that I didn't trust myself on both toe stops. 

We started our mini-jam, whistles were blown and we took off. I made it through the pack easily and started to take my scoring lap. Then I fell. At the EXACT same corner that I'd fallen during our practice run. Talking with friends after, they thought it was staged. Talking with one of my coaches and my dear friend who got me involved in derby (she'd never watched 101 before; I think she watched because I was skating), they both said it looked like we'd done it on purpose. It actually happened because I'd ended up over-tightening my trucks. They'd been too loose lately so I cranked down on them and it was the first time I'd been skating on a derby track since I'd done that. I didn't want to mess with anything after we'd done our run through and didn't truly realize it until after the fact (I had suspicions). Several things made me excited to hear people thing that it was staged. One, it means my falling has gotten much more controlled. Two, I'm getting up faster and smoother than before. Third, I didn't even think about the fact that I fell but that I needed to keep moving. 

This awesome night led to an even more awesome day.

Yesterday was our first time on skates this session. They opened up the Roy an hour early so that new girls could have a chance to skate on the floor before skills assessments. I got there early to tweak two things: my trucks and how I was lacing my skates. There were 3 things that I needed to be able to do to be happy with my set-up: cross-overs, t-stops and snowplows. It took nearly the entire time but I did manage to get everything perfect*. After a quick Q&A about the bout the previous night, we started skill assessments. 

We were told to place ourselves in the group we felt most comfortable in realizing that it didn't mean that was where we could get placed. I decided to place myself in the blue (intermediate) group. Testing wasn't nearly as intense as I expected though my boot didn't fall apart this time. There was a lot that I was happy with how I did. My t-stops and snowplows have improved so much and I nearly got 25 laps in 5 minutes. We 7 other skaters on the track, it was hard to get my diamond grove on. Also, after falling a few times, I definitely started to tense up. I heard a shout from the center of the track to relax. When we were finished with the 5 minutes (I seriously got 24.5 laps; if I'd relaxed more and not fallen, I'd have made at least 25; of course, the last time I was timed and fell less than I did yesterday, I had 22 laps so I'm not too upset), Tiki told me that after falling, I tensed up. Hearing her shout at me got me to relax but not completely. Additionally, I was able to fall, not flail and got back up without having to use my arms or hands. This, while not exactly a first, has been a very, very long struggle for me. I've not struggled with allowing myself to fall but I have struggled with having the muscles to get back up while still sliding.

The entire time, I was trying to stay realistic. I wanted to move up badly but I know that there are skills I just don't have yet. Lately I've been struggling with being gentle with myself and how far I have come. It's hard to not compare yourself to others as you skate with others. That's been my struggle lately.

The testing got cut short so that we'd have time to do dryland. I can tell how the amount of dryland we've been doing has been helping me. In my enthusiasm to help move some chairs, I managed to cut myself on my water bottle. Yes, I am that special at times. This meant that I missed the explanation of what we were doing which was probably a good thing and I didn't end up bleeding on everything. We started with a relay race, sprinting from one end to two "mid"-points and back and then to the end and back. I was the last one in my line and when it came to the last push, I pushed hard. My legs began to give me the middle finger.

As a reward for our awesomeness, we got to do some plyometric work. We started with frog jumps, which I hate because of how much they hurt. I know that they are awesome because of what they do to my legs but every time I've done them, I've wanted to cry by the end of it. We jump up from a deep squat, slowly moving forwards. It's more about the springing up than it is about moving forward. Still in our relay groups, we were to start when the person in front of us got in line with the jammer line. As I started, I knew that this was going to be a really hard thing for me to do. I could get low with no problem and my landings were good but it hurt to spring back up. I think I was about halfway when Bacon, a former Deb, got down next to me and counted to three. We started doing them together. She kept talking, reminding me to keep my head up. At one point, Tiki came over to check on my breathing, which was actually fine. It was my legs that were giving me the trouble. I'd land and my legs would want to give up on me. It was a fight to keep them under me and to keep going. Bacon at one point asked if I could do three more. I looked at her saying that I could do more than 3 but that it was going to take a while. I know towards the end I closed my eyes because my legs hurt so much. It kind of helped to block out the pain, sort of. What really helped was hearing my fellow skaters start to cheer every time I launched myself up into the air. At some point, probably the last 4 or 5 jumps, I noticed that they all came out with me and started jumping when I jumped. As I struggled to keep my legs under me, they cheered me on. I wanted to give up. It would have been so much easier to give up and not try but something deeper in me demanded to keep going.

It would be unfair to say that I did this on my own. As things were starting to get harder, I started to pray. Not simply saying "Oh God, I can't do this, this sucks, etc." but praying in earnest for help. I recognized that I couldn't do this by myself. This was demanding more of my body than I usually do but since God gave me my body, surely He would help me if I accepted that He was in control. He definitely gave me strength to go on but He gave me something else much more tangible. He gave me this amazing group of women who believe in me and my strengths and abilities. He gave me coaches who push me past my point of comfort but not to the point of hurting myself. These women helped me to accept that I really am an athlete, especially after having been told that I'd never be athletic enough. They had faith in me before I was able to and they help me find that.

Of course, we weren't done with practice yet. We still had some line jumping and sets of 5. The sets of 5 weren't push-ups but more plymetrics. We did sets of 5 of 4 different jumping exercises and we did them in a cycle, leading each other and working together as a team. I was able to remember the cycle and was vocal at announcing each step, even though it hurt to move. At one point, I even led the squats jumps. If Tiki hadn't stopped us, I probably would have kept going. Of course, they would have needed a spatula to scrap me off the floor.

We didn't get to hear where we're placed yet. I was the last Deb not in the clinic to leave as moving my fastest was still amazingly slow. I wanted to find out where I was placed as I won't be there next week because of work. Before I could open my mouth, I looked at Hanna and she said "Intermediate." I asked what that meant. There are enough of us who aren't quite ready for blue but need to be pushed and worked harder than we would in the pink group, so they are making a new intermediate (I named it purple, though it would probably be more of a lavender) group for those of us in that category. Hanna got hugged and asked if I was crying. I was pretty darn close except I hurt so much.

Two weeks ago, I was convinced that I would never leave the pink group. Now, I just need to not try so hard to prove myself to Tiki. She would come over to watch us skate during the assessment and I would start screwing up because I wanted to prove to her that I can do all of this. Hanna left me with great words last night. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. They all know that I'm doing the work and that I'm capable of doing it. I just need to relax. Now to learn how to stay relaxed in front of my coach so I can move up to being contact ready.

When I got to my car, I emailed the list to thank all of them for their encouragement and what it meant to me. It was humbling to get responses telling me how much I inspire them to work harder. One of the last texts I got around to sending that night was to Betty. She and her husband, Rink, started my introduction to derby. He hired me to work their booth at festival and she gave me tickets to my first bout. I sent her a message to thank her for encouragement and for getting me involved in derby. The talk that Drunk Betty gave me in June hit home and made sense yesterday. Here's what she wrote back to me, which did get me to cry (in fact, I'm about to cry now): "Hey honey. This is your derby story now. I saw the girls cheering you on and you pushing yourself. These are all things that make a huge difference in your derby life and your real life. I am so fucking proud of you." So that's what I mean by saying that it's my story now. I've become invested in roller derby, in my own life and in the lives of those I skate with. I've spent months feeling embarrassed and left out and unworthy. I've been saddened for no longer skating with the person I started this adventure on (she also got a thank you text; she got my butt on skates to begin with and then back on skates and into Debs when I was most discouraged) and I've been to the point of giving up. Instead of letting someone else write my story and giving them the pen, I've taken over and am writing it on my own now. Yesterday was amazingly pivotal and I feel as though something has changed within me. I may just try defying gravity.

*It's never perfect. Skating causes changes in tension and how my feet feel but there comes a point where I have to stop fussing otherwise I'll end up not skating.

Hope

Sometimes, I get motivation and hope from the strangest places. Today was one of those days.

It shouldn't be too surprising that to be able to participate in practice, one has to sit through a talk of the rules. Even if you've been doing it for a while, it's a new session and sometimes rules change. Rule number one will never change. Don't be a Douche Bag. However, it seems that there is a need to remind people that they are adults and need to take care of themselves. This also doesn't surprise me.

What did end up surprising me was how I started to feel. Not realizing that there was going to be a meeting before practice for those of us who couldn't make the first practice (I wasn't the only one), I didn't think to check my email until just before 3pm. I knew that practice had been moved to a 4pm start and as such, I'd have plenty of time to get to practice and find parking. Turns out that the meeting was going to happen at 3pm. I quickly threw myself together, remembering my tennis shoes and paperwork, and flew out the door. While I love being on skates, I'm happy today was a day of dry land. It meant one less thing for me to haul. I got there feeling ashamed and embarrassed for being late. I was an disappointment to myself. Add on top of this, the overwhelming sense of discouragement and I wasn't really looking forward to practice. Being so late (about 15 minutes) almost had me convinced to just turn around as I wouldn't be able to practice without sitting through the talk. I'm glad I ignored my brain.

The coach who held the talk let us know why we're doing so much dry land. It's to strengthen our bodies. No one (or at least almost no one) does squats or push-ups for fun. I'm sure if I thought about it long enough, I could find an exception to that statement. It's something I wish I had learned when I was still active musically. You must always practice the fundamentals as everything else is based on it. If you can't do a complicated scale pattern, you aren't going to be able to do a complicated phrase of music. The same holds true for derby, and I imagine, for life in general. If my ankles aren't strong enough off skates, how can I expect them to be in skates? It may take a while, but if I continue to work on it, then I will get there.
For me, it's not about the wearing of a cute outfit and skating in front of a crowd. Frankly, skating in front of a crowd kind of scares me. All those people screaming and cheering? I've heard that you sort of tune it out and focus on the game, which I hope is true. Instead, it's about getting better and seeing growth in myself. I've seen it in my arms and my legs. My core has gotten so much stronger that it makes me giddy. I can do things now that I couldn't a year ago. Ankles, on the other hand, are a lot harder to see improvement in. I still feel unstable when balancing during dry land. Granted, this is after we've been doing a lot of stuff but I know it's my ankle stability. It takes time to build up those muscles. It wasn't so hard with everything else because I use it daily at work. Learning how to engage my core actually made some things at work a lot easier. I wish I'd understood how to do it much sooner!
So instead of hearing about how this is to prevent injury (I did indeed hear that part, but I already get that), what I heard the loudest was that I need to keep working and to stop being so hard on myself. I love the amount of encouragement I receive from the other women I skate with and I hope they get that I encourage them just as much. Today, I was unable to shout my encouragements (though I did make a comment about one minute being a half a jam as a way to motivate myself) but I was certainly smiling and giving thumbs up and whatever else I could to encourage. After one of the jumping drills, my legs completely gave out and one of the women actually came over to help me stand back up. I honestly couldn't tell you who it was because I was in so much pain but I was very grateful for the help. So much of the pain is my mind trying to convince me to give up because I'm uncomfortable. The rest of the pain is my ripping my muscles apart to make them stronger.
It's easy to see someone "not trying hard enough" and wonder why they're still doing derby. It's harder to get to know them to learn about their struggles as to why it looks like they aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, I think we all give in to the voice telling us to not push as hard because that's easier. Yet it's important to know when the voice is telling us to slow down because our body is actually in pain. I had to remember that today during one of the drills. We were hopping up stairs (yes, you read that correctly; try it sometime. It's not as easy as you would think) and I had one last set to finish. My heart rate had been elevated during the drill and I was taking the time to get it back down to a point where I didn't feel as though I might pass out. I got halfway through the last set and had to stop but wanted to keep pushing. As another skater came down the steps, she told me to listen to my body. Two skaters, both league skaters I believe, stopped and got onto the same step with me. They reminded me to breathe deeply and to keep pushing but do it at the pace my body to handle. As we slowly made it up the stairs (and at the start, I was really wanting to figuratively kick myself for not being able to do faster), I started to hear the other women cheering us on. I don't know if the the two skaters who joined me had finished or not. I think they had and that they decided to join me so that I wouldn't finish the drill on my own. I felt so happy to make it to the top that I wanted to cry. I gave up control that inner, doubting voice has sometimes and let my body do what it does best. I trusted myself because they trusted and believed in me.
Before practice started and we were done with our paperwork, I went to go say hello to people and chat with them. It was amazing how many commented on how awesome I was looking. Between eating a lot better (good-bye fast food! good-bye cheap crap!), I've also started to challenge myself more physically. I take stairs two at a time. If there's an opportunity to jump something, I take it. I'll stand around chatting with co-workers and balance on one foot. All of these little things are starting to add up to more inches melting away from my body. Something that really amazed me was getting complimented on my wall-sit from Thursday. I managed to do a wall-sit for 3 minutes and 35 seconds. The only "break" I took was when my feet started to slip out from under me. My quads hated me afterwards but I was amazingly proud of myself. In truth, my quads still hate me, especially after today's practice. One of my friends commented on how she was a wimp compared to me and that I was awesome. This friend is now a group level higher than me and can do things on skates that I can't do yet. Her comment of being awesome because of how hard I pushed myself started to turn the switch on my attitude. That change in my attitude let me have a great practice.
All of these little things gave me hope today. I'm still a bit discouraged because I have hit a plateau. My sweetie has suggested I start doing some cross-training in yoga. I think that's probably a good idea. I've also thought it might not be too bad to go do some bouldering or maybe even pick up a little parkour. It will still work similar muscles but maybe working them in a different way will help them and it'll help me get through this wall I'm stuck behind.

Challenge Week #1

One of the frustrating things about work is that I sometimes miss derby practice. I *love* my job but I wish it was a little less flexible of a schedule. I realize this sounds odd but I don't work a "normal" 9 to 5 job and often have hours spread all over the place. This works great for me on a lot of levels but not so great for derby.

I learned a couple of days after our first practice, which I missed, that there are now going to be weekly challenges to help us improve during the week. Awesome! Yet another thing to work on with the wonderful women with whom I skate.

Week #1 Challenge
Sets of 3 & 20 regular sit ups
Do everyday. Should take about 4 minutes.

Sets of 3 are
3 push ups on your toes then 3 on your knees and then 3 tricep push
ups on your stomach.
2 push ups on toes, 2 knee etc...
Then one of each.

Finish with 20 sit ups.


So how did I do? I'm sad to say not too well. I didn't find out about it until late on Tuesday and my day didn't really allow for it when I wasn't getting done with work until after 10 pm. I managed to do it Wednesday, with my fiance wanting to know all about it and even doing it with me. Thursday and Friday went by in a blur. I did manage to do it today. During a show. They were doing a door prize drawing and I knew I had about 10 minutes to kill so I did it in the light booth.


While I didn't get it in the other days, I'm not feeling too bad because of the other stuff I managed to fit in. There's a room being redone in my new home and I've been painting the walls. If you've never done a large amount of painting, especially on a roller on 8' walls, trust me, it works out the arms and the abs. My job is very physically demanding. This week I spent time pushing and steering concert units that weight two tons as well as flying in various theatrical elements. All of this also works the arms and abs and I certainly am feeling it.


There is something really big I learned this week though. In order to succeed at these challenges, I need to plan the time ahead of schedule. I am a queen of many things in my mind and one of those is a queen of procrastination. Everything can be done later. This is an aspect of my life that I'm fighting against because I'm really starting to see how there is never a "later" for things to get done. So I need to set aside a time everyday when I know that I can do the challenge and I need some sort of accountability system which is why I'm writing about it. By the end of this session, I hope to have fit in every challenge, even during my busiest weeks. It takes small steps though and the smallest is acknowledging that I need to do this to be successful. 

Clever Title Here

It's been quite the new year and I've had quite a few things floating in my head to write about, especially here. This is why I own a small notebook so that I can jot ideas down as they float into my head. Unfortunately, that's hard to do when I'm actively skating and apparently I often forget those ideas when I get back around said notebook. Hence the title to this post. I've had many clever and witty titles that would tie into exactly what I want to write about but they are simply gone for now. Instead, imagine one for me and bear with me as this goes a bit Ferret in its stream.

Small Changes Make for Awesome Results

Back in December, I found myself struggling with a couple of things. My constant enemy, transitions, seemed to be on the verge of being conquered only to find myself surprised by an old companion turning on me. Toe stop runs. Last spring, by the end of the session, I looked awesome at toe stop runs.

See? I look awesome at it!

But something happened. They were suddenly a struggle! I could do them, sort of but it was just awkward and I didn't feel confident in them. Maybe they weren't in the same place they were when this picture was taken as I had new boots now. There had to be something. I just didn't know what it was and I knew there was only one group of people who could help me. My trainers.

So I pestered them about what I might need to do in order to remedy this issue. Their advice? Get Gumball Toe Stops. They aren't expensive but they make a *HUGE* difference. I got a set for Christmas (I had a very specific Christmas list which my fiance loved as it meant he could just get me those things and know that I'd like them) and adore them.

The first time I took them out was during something called Derby Hour. Here in the Twin Cities, we're spoiled. There's the Metrodome, which apparently has sports in it (I've never been) but the awesome part is that during the winter, they open the concourse up to skaters and call it Rollerdome. With the growth of derby in the Cities, one of the workers there has managed to arrange for quad skaters (derby folk) to stay an hour later on Monday nights for a chance to work on drills. Skating there is great endurance building but it's awesome to have a huge place that will let us do drills.

The first Monday of the new year, I went to skate and stayed for Derby Hour. I know I didn't stay the whole time but I did a modified drill that I've learned from the men's league. It involves skating backwards, hearing an imaginary whistle in my head, stopping and then sprinting forward until I give myself another imaginary whistle. Then I stop and do the whole thing again. It's great to do with a partner because it helps you work on staying with your partner but for me, it was about the sprinting.

Normally I do 2 toe stop runs and then just move on my wheels. This is usually because I've just psyched myself out MAJORLY. At the end of the fall session, it was because I just couldn't feel my toe stops under me. It wasn't comfortable or right. Doing the above drill, I sprinted on my toe stops for at least 6 steps. And I didn't psych myself out and fall when I realized what I'd done either.

I'm still in awe over how one small, rather inexpensive piece of gear has caused so much change. This is the second upgrade I've made to my skates that has been at the $20 level or less. The other investment was getting a set of Magic Cushions. I've had to crank down on my trucks and I still have huge flexibility.

Growing Roots

Yet another thing happened to me in December. I got engaged. What does this have to do with my derby journey? Quite a lot actually. I'm engaged to a man who went out and bought roller skates (not cheap ones either) so that we could go skating together because he wants to support me. His daughters are now involved in roller derby.

But sometimes happy events can have a bit of darkness to them. I've had some friends not take the news well and while I know it's out of concern for me, it does make me sad and a bit anxious. One of my coaches was offering me congrats at our holiday party and wanted to know how things were going. I didn't go into detail but I did mention having some people not supportive and she asked me what I was going to do about it. I didn't know, which she really didn't believe. Before I was actually able to answer, she looked at me and told me that I had wonderful intuition but that I doubted myself more than I should. (There was probably more swearing and I'm paraphrasing but the idea is still there.) She told me to be confident with my decisions because I know what I need and who I am and what to do. This is where so many people have problems. They don't trust themselves and are full of doubt about their own ability. Not only was I getting advice on how to deal with friendships that felt strained and potentially dying, but I was getting advice about being a skater.

It felt as though I was growing roots into myself. By being rooted (yes, I know the word has many meanings), I am able to do things. I trust that a tree isn't going to fall over because it has massive roots digging into the soil. I need to do the same thing with myself. The reason I fall when I do transitions is because I'm afraid that I'll fall. I'd never realized that until after these words had been said to me. Yet, there I was, skating at the Rollerdome and I decided to do a transition at a slow speed. Before I even got halfway there, I felt the doubt and the fear, so I stopped. I knew I'd fall. Derby isn't about falling. Derby is a lot of things but it isn't about falling. Falling happens and often the falling is from pushing so hard at something your body can't do so that it will grow but the purpose isn't to fall. So I stopped myself from falling when I sensed doubt. That wasn't good soil to plant myself into (and I'd just plant myself on my backside if I did) and expect to succeed. After mentally pulling myself together, and using one of the many tricks I've got in my bag on how to do transitions, I tried again and succeed. I succeed because I believed. It took a while to get the fear and doubt back out of my head but I managed to do it.

Start to the Session

The spring session for my league has started up. This past Sunday actually but I wasn't able to make the first practice. I love my job dearly but sometimes it means I make sacrifices. I get paid to do something that I absolutely love. Unfortunately I had to work a concert instead of working.

This fall was my second session and I got to be at the first practice. Last spring I missed the first session and felt completely out of it. Who were the new people? Who were the old people? What were we suppose to do? What had I missed? In elementary school, I hated missing days of school because I was afraid that I'd miss something Important. Until recently, I was semi-convinced that I'd missed an Important Lesson on How to Be an Adult but over the last couple of years, I've decided that everyone missed that class. It's the same with derby. I can go skate and do push-ups on my own but it's not the same. Derby is very much a social sport and you build a kinship by doing all of these hard things together.

Last spring I was very apprehensive of getting close to other skaters. What if they thought I was too weird? (That would be a childhood issue rearing it's ugly head.) What if they thought I wasn't good enough? Even worse, what if they told me that I'd NEVER be good enough to do derby? So I kept to myself and the handful of skaters I already knew. In the few group things with the league skaters, I found myself more often hanging out with them than my fellows as I didn't feel as nervous around them. I was so stressed about being rejected and being the odd-skater-out, that I missed a lot of chances to connect but then I broke through a wall and started to have those connections.

This session, I'm not so worried about that. I've managed to have found myself and have gotten out of my own head. There were team mates who have seen me at the Rollerdome or elsewhere, checking to make sure I was coming back, especially after not being there the first practice. It's really great to feel connected and remembered by so many people. Even when I'm skating on my own, I think of them and it helps to give me strength.

Weaknesses and Strengths

At practice yesterday, Hanna showed us one of her weaknesses and followed it by telling us some strengths. She then pointed out how we all have strengths and weaknesses, using me as an example. As a group, we took a moment to mention a weakness and then a strength. After an injury with the contact ready group, they came over and joined us. Everyone could easily and quickly come up with a weakness and almost everyone struggled with a strength.One skater had to be told to find a strength without qualifying it. We all could see the strengths in others than in ourselves. It was comforting to hear some of the skaters that I look up to saying their weaknesses because it means that we will always have our weaknesses no matter how awesome others think we are on our skates.

At the end of the last session, I know I had to be told my strengths because I was so focused on what I couldn't do yet and what I needed to work on that I didn't take the time to celebrate the small strengths that I was developing. So I've decided to make two lists. First, my weaknesses, areas that I want to improve on. It's more of a goal list in some ways. Second, my strengths. All of them and as I get new ones, I'm going to come back here and update them (or maybe make another post, I don't know. It makes more sense to just have it all in one place though).

Weaknesses or Things I'm Struggling With or Things I Can't Do Yet

• Tomahawk stops
• Stopping fast
• Leaning too far forward
• Thinking too hard
• Psyching myself out
• Transitions
• Duck walk sprints
• Hockey stop
• Consistently staying up
• Endurance
• Knee taps
• Upper body strength

Strengths or Things That I Know I've Gotten Better At or Things That I'm Proud Of

• T-Stops (these took forever!)
• Cone Weaving
• Falling and Getting Back Up
• Pushing Myself
• Toe stop starts
• Not Throwing Up Even When I've Felt Like It and Still Pushing Hard
• Crossovers
• Speed
• Endurance
• Lifting up my front wheels while skating
• Single knee turn stops
• Trying the new Scary Thing
• Skating on one leg
• Not caring how stupid I look
• Transitions

You may notice that I've put things on both lists. It's because while I still struggle with them, I know how much I've improved on them and how proud I am of those improvements. It's all about the small steps. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in derby is to celebrate the small victories. When I started to learn transitions, I couldn't even do them standing still. Learning how to move my body to face the other way while standing still meant I could learn how to do it while moving slowly. I'm building a beautiful mosaic out of seed beads or grains of sand that will look amazing when it's completed. Right now, it kind of looks funny and a bit awkward at times but knowing that I've placed a bead and that it's in the right place is a huge deal. I'm starting to see the outline and I know the potential of what I'm doing. It doesn't matter that it's not perfect yet. So long as I don't get cocky and think I know everything and am okay with looking stupid (Tiki told us that we all look stupid because we're learning and that it's better to look stupid and try than to be worried about not looking stupid and not try), I will continue to celebrate the small victories and strengths that I gain.

Being an Example

Yesterday was my last practice for this session. There's one more but I will be working. It was an amazing session. In fact, so amazing that I need to write two posts to separate all the awesomeness.

It's fun watching our coaches learn new things. Since there weren't a lot of us at practice, we did some footwork drills as a group. This was after warm-ups (including the awesome and yet terrifying hand-slapping drill) which was when I got hurt at the last practice I was able to make so the fact that I made it past them had me a little giddy. One of the things I'm learning about derby is learning how my body works and where I am on my skates. It seems like it took forever to figure out how to be balanced and skate forward (and then backwards) on my 8 wheels. Well yesterday, we were learning how it felt to not be on all 8 wheels. Since derby is a contact sport, it is a given that you won't always be happily skating along on all your wheels. So we started simple. Go down on one leg and then the other. Then put all your weight on your left leg and tap your right toes up and down followed by doing the other side. Things got more intense as we went along. All your weight on your left leg and put down the front wheels of your right skate and so on. The most amazing part was when we all were skating back and forth on just our front wheels and then we did the same thing on just our back wheels. I know I didn't make the whole length but I was able to get my heels up and skate forward without dying. It was during this time that Tiki, one of the coaches, discovered that it's actually easier to make a transition if you stay on your front wheels and lift up your heels. We were asked if we wanted to try it (of course!) and were told to do it without thinking too hard as thinking is what would screw us up. You know what? It worked! Transitions, something I've struggled with for ages, suddenly happened! It was an easy step from weaving while on my front wheels to just turning around to go backwards. It was awesome to see our coaches figuring it out and then getting excited to learn something new. Tiki even commented that she wished she'd learned how to do that 6 years ago when she first learned how to skate.

At this point we split into our groups to work on different things. I had hoped to make it up to the blue group this session but I'm still in pink and you know what? That's okay. I can tell that I'm getting even closer. My ankles and core are feeling stronger and I think I'm falling less. I'm still learning so much. We continued to work on skating on 4 wheels instead of 8, including one foot weaving. Back in July, I tried to do one foot weaving and I couldn't. Yesterday, I was able to do it and it was awesome. Since all of us in pink (there weren't many of us) were doing really well with one foot weaving, Hanna said we should try one foot transitions. She went to show us, warning us that this was a weakness of hers, and totally biffed it. It was comforting to all of us to realize that even those who have been skating for years still struggle with things and that this is okay.

When practice was mostly over (the scrimmage girls were scrimmaging but I needed to take off), I went up to both Hanna and Tiki to thank them for the Debs. This group is amazing. The counseling and other mental health stuff I've done has helped me be ready for derby but derby gave me a new attitude on life. My self-confidence has sky-rocketed and I'm more willing to stand firm instead of apologizing constantly. I don't feel nearly as shy with the other skaters as I did in the past either. Tiki, concerned that I wasn't coming back, made sure to ask that I was coming back. Of course I am! But I wanted to let them know how much this has meant to me. At that point, Hanna said that this was part of the reason why she uses me as an example so often and she hoped that this was okay.

I like being an example for other women. This hasn't been an easy sport. Last session, there were times that I was so discouraged that I did want to quit. Having Hanna and others continue to encourage me helped me more than I can express especially since I was not only struggling with the physical side of the sport but the emotional side as well. At the awards banquet last year, I remember saying how I knew what my weaknesses were but how I didn't think I had any strengths. I spent most of that event separated from other people. A couple of months later, I was Betty's date to the MNRG draft party and saw Hanna there. When I went over to talk with her, she commented on how much more social I was being and how excited she was for me. This was in part because of a talk she and I had in which I learned about how many other skaters felt *exactly* the same way that I did. So I started to reach out and to get to know my fellow skaters.

During this session, there have been several times when things have been physically hard and I've been used an example of how pushing hard does make you stronger. A lot of these new skaters to the group didn't see me at my worst but they have seen how far I've come since they first met me. Having new boots does help but more importantly is the fact that I don't give up. The harder I fall in love with derby, the stronger my desire is to get better at it. Every practice, I put it all out there. If I don't walk away wanting a nap and feeling beat, I've not done it right and I think the only times that happened this session was when my boot failed on me and when I got injured. It's humbling to have had other skaters tell me how much they look up to me and want to push themselves as hard as I do which is part of the reason that I don't mind being an example. It's humbling but I know how much they'll improve if they push as hard. And I know how much my life has improved because of how hard I push myself.

Yesterday was a hard day because I'd learned that a beautiful young woman had passed away at 18. I never actually met her but I saw her in passing many times this fall at the Renaissance Festival. She was so graceful and charming that you would never have guessed that she was in the final stages of cancer. I went into practice feeling sad but had decided that I'd dedicate my practice to her memory so every time I fell, I got back up because I knew the things that she'd gone through and still managed to smile. She was my example. I'm not nearly as graceful on skates but I will continue to get up every time I fall down. It's the getting back up that makes me stronger.

Getting back on the figurative horse

The last couple of weeks have been rather busy for me. Work and personal life have been eating up quite a lot of time. Then there's the derby stuff. Many of my fellow skaters are getting injured or having to leave the league for various reasons. As I've written before, that's been hard for me. It's also been hard not having (or making) the time to go skating.

Part of the reason I've not made more time is that there's a part of me that's a little scared. I didn't get hurt badly when I took my fall at the beginning of November but it still hurt. The worst part is that I know *exactly* what I was doing at the moment I fell. Transitions.

There's a history there with my learning how to do a forwards to backwards transition. I think too much and my hips don't open up wide enough. I also over think it. This is a constant problem in my life and especially in my skating. I think too hard and then I doubt and then I fall.

Since my injury, I've gone skating but I've been very, very reluctant to do transitions, which of course means that I've been making myself do them.

When I was growing up, my mom tried to get me into horse back riding as that was something she had really enjoyed as a kid. She'd even gone on to raise her own horses. The horse that she wanted me to ride, Spot, was very stubborn and very smart. Spot knew that if she scared me or didn't do what I wanted, that I'd get frustrated and not try to ride her again. Guess what happened? Exactly what the horse thought would happen.

 There's the saying of you have to get back on the horse after it bucks you off but sometimes, it really hurts. I eventually got back onto a horse though it took several years and I was usually anxious the entire time up to getting on the horse. I don't want to take years getting back to working on transitions so I've decided to pick myself up and get back at it even though this is how I gave myself whiplash.

I've slowly been working back up to being confident about transitions. That's the major thing. I'm not confident about them when I'm skating in a circle. If I'm over to a side and just going back and forth, I'm okay but as soon as I get on the big floor, I doubt myself.

Saturday morning, I went skating with my Sweetie. We missed the lessons but one of the instructors happened to be there. He came over and chatted with me and I used it as a chance to work on my transitions. Sometimes it simply takes hearing the same thing in several different ways. He watched me and pointed out some things I already knew I was (or in most cases, wasn't) doing. Stay low. Keep the back straight. Don't lean forward. Then he did something that really surprised me. He had me take his hands and lightly press down, as though I was holding onto a table. After he let go, I kept my hands in that position and he had me turn around. I could do it! It turns out that as I was turning, the outside shoulder (example: if I'm turning to the right, then it's my left shoulder) would start to turn in the correct direction and then would pull back, causing me to fall into a pile of Ferret.

I went back and forth in the center for the rink quite a few times to get it down. Tuesday night, we went skating again. Once again, I was horribly nervous and was over thinking it on the floor so I took myself to the "kiddie pool" (a small practice area off to the side) and did a couple of transitions. Then, even though I knew I'd look like a dork, I skated out to the center and, raising my arms up almost like a ballerina, I started doing transitions.

They still need to be faster but they are happening now. Two of my derby friends were there and got just as excited as I did when I did it without falling. Now the real key is to remember that confidence I found and to keep it up. It's all baby steps but if I hadn't decided to get back up on my "horse", I wouldn't have improved. That is the most amazing thing about skating. Every time I skate, something gets better, even on my really hard days.

There's a first for everything

Today was one of the most frustrating practices ever for me. I've pulled things and pushed muscles to fatigue. There have been bruises and self-medicating of ice and ibuprofen. Yet, I'd never been injured while on the track. I guess there's a first for everything.

First of all, I'm mostly okay. I'm a little battered and I'm going to stop putting off seeing my chiropractor until "later". Most importantly I didn't break anything except maybe my pride. There were no trips to the hospital and no more than ice and ibuprofen. I just ended up sitting out for half of practice.

We started with dry land which, even though it's really hard and I have to keep thinking of something else so my brain doesn't psych me out, I actually enjoy. It's becoming easier to see the importance of dry land. My body is feeling stronger every time we do it and skating is becoming easier. It still wears me out but that means I'm trying hard enough.

After dry land, we got into our gear. I'm proud to say that I can get into gear rather quickly. This is probably from years of always running behind when trying to get somewhere. I've learned how to do things correctly in a short amount of time. We were going to be doing the same sort of skating warm-up we did the week before. I was both excited and dreading it. My inner right thigh felt tight and I was tired from the dry land but I wasn't going to give up. We started skating at 60% and then going into a snowplow when the whistle blew. Once everyone had stopped, we'd sprint back up to going 60%.

Once we'd completed doing that few times, our coach had us skating and then turning around on a whistle and skating backwards. On the next whistle, we'd turn back around and skate forwards again. Going from back to front is fairly easy for me. Going from front to back has become some sort of warfare with myself. I hear the whistle and try to immediately turn around, only to fall down as I'm going faster than I can actually go while turning around. I end up thinking too hard and panicking because I want to do it with everyone else. It was easy to realize what I was doing. So the next time we were to turn around, I thought "step, step, step" to ready myself for the 3 point turn around. I nearly got it. The next time, it got me.

I had taken the first step and was in the middle of the second one when things suddenly changed very quickly. I'm almost positive that the problem was that I had shifted my weight too far back and lost my balance. I blame this on thinking. I was thinking too hard instead of actively engaging my core. As I was in the midst of turning and leaning backwards,  I fell on my backside. Specifically, I hit my right hip/cheek area full force. Somehow I managed to roll onto my left side and I know that my right wrist also made contact with the ground. In those few seconds, I felt a huge jolt race up my spine. As I was there on the ground, I realized I was in too much pain to get back up. Part of me wishes there had been a camera there so I could have seen what happened.

So there I am, sort of kneeling but mostly leaning on my left side with my face down feeling like I've got whiplash. I'm actively crying, not just tears of pain but crying because it really, really hurt. My neck was in intense pain. I refused to move or look up, though I was able to recognize people by skates and voices. I know enough that moving someone with a head or neck injury can be really dangerous and I didn't know what damage I'd done. It felt like I'd just sent a jolt through my system but I don't have any medical training so I wasn't sure. I do remember hearing everyone stop skating as I was down on the ground.

Our main practice area is in basically an arena space. There's a black curtain that comes down during shows and bouts that hides the backstage area which also has a full size track. During practice, the curtain is raised and will do group laps on the outside of both tracks. This makes sense in my head because I skate it all the time. I mention it because our coach who was running warm-ups (Tiki) had everyone move to the front track only to complete warm-ups.

While everyone else got to skate, I was helped onto my back and my neck was checked out. I was asked what happened and I seem to remember saying that I fell on my ass a lot. This was really funny to me for some reason. Probably trying to distract myself from the pain and the worry that I'd done some serious damage. I had almost full range of motion in my neck and no numbness. My skates were taken off for me and ice was given to me. I was then helped over to where our gear bags were and got to fill out an accident report.

In my job, sometimes performers, patrons or workers (in that order) get hurt. When they do, and I'm the one in charge, I get to fill out the accident report. Today is the first time that someone filled it out for me. Sure, nurses or intake people have filled them out for me before but this was different. This was while still at the scene of the "crime". While copies were being made (it's never safe to use the last accident report; that's just begging for more people to get hurt), lots of people checked in with me to see if I was okay. I was embarrassed and frustrated. We'd only just gotten on skates. One of the other skaters told me that she understood and said at least I didn't break myself. She's just gotten back to scrimmaging after breaking herself. Once the sheet was filled out, I was told that I didn't have to stay as the person filling out knew I'd rather be on skates but that I was more than welcome to watch. I decided to stay and watch my group work on things.

I learned a lot.

I learned that none of us really know what we look like when we skate. I saw fellow skaters bobbing up and down when they probably thought they weren't. There were skaters who needed stiffer arms while doing shopping carts. And nearly everyone could have bent their knees more.

I learned that it's hard to sit and just watch. It doesn't matter how hard the drill is, everyone would rather be skating than injured. Everyone cheered when I came over and sat with them but I was sad that I couldn't be skating with them. It was hard knowing that they were getting stronger while I was forced to sit on the side.

I learned that I'm getting much better about how I'm taking things. One of my friends told me, very excitedly, that she had been asked if she felt comfortable enough to move up to the contact group. In the past, I would have been sad right away and I was a bit sad mostly because I know how many practices I can make of what we have left and I know it's unrealistic to make it to that group myself this session. The biggest difference is that I wouldn't have been as supportive as I was today. I'd have pouted and been focused on myself instead of their good news. I'm glad I'm not where I was emotionally a year ago. This is such a better place.

So a lot of ice and ibuprofen later, I'm writing this all down. Not because I'll forget this injury but because it's important to me to remember how I'm feeling emotionally (I'm working on not being hard on myself; I've done worse to my neck in my sleep) and the huge amount of support I got from my team mates. I don't know if they realize how much it means to have them concerned for me. The coaches checking in and my team mates being so concerned once again reminded me of how special this sport is and how lucky I am to be involved in it. It's a competitive sport but there's so much support for each other. This is yet another reason why I'm so happy to have discovered and be involved with roller derby.

Final practice of the session or How Time Flies Faster on Wheels

It seems hard to believe it but we've reached the end of the session for derby. The silly thing is that originally we should have ended sometime around May 1st if we were keeping with a 16 or so week session. I'm happy that it was extended as it meant I got more time to skate.

Since tryouts are fast approaching (something I won't be doing with either local league this year; I've got previous commitments already and I'm not sure I'm ready to go through that stress again), the coaches opened up the last few practices an hour earlier than normal to get some more work on specific areas that people needed. This week, I took advantage of it, not because of try-outs but because Wet Spot was loaning me some wheels and I knew I'd need time to swap them out and get use to them.

Back in September, I was skating on two surfaces mostly; unfinished concrete in a hockey arena and sport core, which is a foam like substance. Before attending my last practice back then, I went out and bought new wheels for the concrete floor as the wheels I had just weren't grippy enough for me. Poisons were offered up as a good possibility for me, so I went with them.

I still believe that these were the best wheels for me at the time. I was still new enough to skating that the extra grip was helping me become a little more stable especially on the surface I was skating on. It was this last practice where I skated on the sport core for the first time. It's now been long enough that I don't remember what that felt with or how the wheels felt on them. Those sensations have long been lost to other memories and emotions of that evening.

As I skated more and more with the Debu-Taunts, I was learning more that it was my gear that was holding me back and not some sort of problem with myself and my abilities. Wet Spot, already giving me advice on plates, offered to loan me some wheels for as long as I'm using them. So Sunday he brought in a set of Zodiac wheels.

To say I was nervous about trying these wheels is a bit of an understatement. Here is was the last practice and I was possibly throwing a wrench into my game. I patiently pulled out my bearings and put them into the Zodiacs, and then got the wheels all onto my skates. Everyone else had started doing things by then (there were loose stations) but I was determined to not rush myself. I got my gear on and cautiously stood up. Everything felt so much different! I can't even begin to describe the feeling or the difference but I could feel it right away. As Wet Spot said, some of my squish was taken out, which my feet really did begin to notice. Skating a few times around the Roy, I felt all the things that I could control now. My feet could get my skates to swing side to side if I wanted them to and I could get my inside foot ahead of my outside foot when turning.

Full of glee and delight, I skated over to where Wet Spot was working with some girls. I did the footwork part and waited for him to explain the next part of the drill to the girls when I skated over to him and gave him a huge hug because I felt so much better! It wasn't a matter of changing me but getting the right gear under me.

The rest of the hour was spent working on those silly transitions. I talked with Hanna about them because I knew I could go from back to front easily but was this normal? Turns out that it was. When I asked Hanna to watch me go from front to back, she did and I managed to do it. Apparently I actually needed an audience that time to be able to perform. I watched one of the other coaches, Tiki, working with a girl on the same thing and asking her all kinds of questions so she couldn't think about what she was doing. I realized that I needed to do the same thing in a way. Eventually there was a little line of us going back and forth, working on transitions. One of the girls in my group cheered and clapped for me every time I was able to go around. At one point, while waiting, I simply stood there and flipped around in a circle. Amazing how only a few weeks ago I was convinced this was impossible.

When "real" practice started, we broke into two groups; those who were going to try out and everyone else. This meant that for the first time, really, I'd be working with girls from the higher levels on things. We started with skating backwards in the correct direction for a few laps when we switched to going forwards in the wrong direction. At least all of our muscles were worked then!

It's only been a few days but I can't rightly remember everything that we did anymore. I know that there was pack work and that I got to learn about whips and hits for the first time. The biggest thing was feeling like a team instead of individuals all trying to get better. With the mix of girls in the packs, there were different skill levels working together to try to make the pack work. I learned that even with better wheels, I'm still going to fall (though it took a lot longer into practice for me to fall than normal) but that I can make up speed now. I can skate through one pack and catch up with my pack without completely dying. For the first, I also fell and had to take a couple of minutes to recover. I think in the past, I've never been surprised by my falls but this one took my completely off guard and was a hard one. I don't know if the fall hurt or if it was the shock to my system that had me stopped for as long as I was.

One of the last things we did was one of the first things we did at our first skating practice. We were given the option to see how many laps we could do in 2 minutes, the length of a jam. I honestly wasn't going to do it. I was exhausted and felt I could barely stand but one of my team mates was going to do it by herself so I bounced up (as much as I could bounce at this point) and go onto the line with her. I did end up falling (twice I think) but managed to skate the diamond pattern on the track sans all the crossovers. Even with the falling, I made it 9.5 laps around the track.

A year ago, I probably would have been lucky to make it 5 times around, especially after such a hard practice. A year ago, I would have been agonizing over every second and wondering when it was going to end. Today, I didn't count the laps or worry about the time. I thought about breathing and following that diamond, keeping my feet moving and listening to my team mates cheer me on. I reminded my body that 2 minutes really isn't anything and if I could make it through the lap I just did, what is one more? I hope somewhere there's a copy of what I did in January as I'm curious how much, if any, I improved because it sure felt like an improvement.

The biggest and most important thing, I finally feel like this is my team. I've been holding back, not wanting to open up and get hurt again but this practice something shifted. Like the click of a well placed bearing in a wheel, I suddenly felt I wasn't fighting against something but working with a wonderful group of women. This small shift makes me a little sad as it was our last official practice and it finally clicked for me. Many of these women won't be around for the next session either due to jobs or school or simply not having the time to do derby but there's one thing they will always be: My Team Mates.