A High Followed by an Immediate Low

It's funny how motivation works sometimes. Earlier today I was working on a blog post. My sweetie, having never seen my creative process before, thought I was dawdling and being distracted. The problem is that in order to focus and write, I have to get the excess energy out of my system. Sometimes I'll have everything I want to say in my head and all I have to do is sit in front of a computer and type. Usually this happens when I have absolutely nothing to even jot an idea down on let alone have the entire thing flow out. So it gets shuffled into a mental box and I get to it eventually. Unfortunately, quite a few other shiny things wander through my mind in the time between when I'm inspired and when I'm actually able to write. Too often I sit staring at the blank screen, waiting for my brilliance to come back. So I poke around on the internet, retracing things I've done in hopes that I'll stumble onto the right word or phrase that will allow my thoughts to flow into the thing I meant to write. I started that this morning but felt discouraged when my sweetie decided I needed a task master to keep me on task. So I threw in the towel for the time being because trying to force it wasn't going to make it happen and it seemed that I'd just be under pressure to get it all out.

The day progressed and I seemed to be in a bit of a funk. I've had a lot of anxiety for several reasons and thankfully skating has been a great outlet for it. Then I started thinking.

You know what one phrase all of my coaches have said to me?

STOP THINKING!

Even off the track, I should remember this because so often, I start thinking and then things go "wrong." If I think too hard when I'm skating, I start to doubt myself and then usually end up falling. I've now figuratively fallen because I started thinking too much.

I'm feeling really discouraged. There's a lot of stuff that I'm discouraged about but I realized today that I'm starting to feel really discouraged about derby.

(Note: I was interrupted while writing this at midnight last night. It was once again my sweetie and this time I simply became angry which caused a whole series of interesting and good events in the long run. Now back to my whining.)


Why do I feel discouraged? I mean, I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago or even six months ago. But I'm seeing others doing so much better and passing me. I feel stuck and frustrated. It's hard to not compare yourself to other skaters when you see other skaters all of the time. You shouldn't because this is such an individual experience yet it's so easy to fall into that trap. Trust me, I'm in it right now.

When I work on things outside of practice such as wall-sits or push-ups, I can feel and see a change in how my body is working. My biggest physical weakness, the thing that is holding me back, is my ankle stability. And I have been working to improve it. I work on balancing on one foot and then doing half-squats while on one foot, placing my other leg in other positions. I trace the alphabet with both feet. I do calf raises and walk on my toes. Despite all of this, it feels that *nothing* has improved. I do amazing toe stop runs and then when I try to transition out of them, one of my ankles gives out, causing me to fall. Even writing about it, I feel the urge to throw a temper tantrum. Is it the boot or is it my ankle? I don't know. I was fitted for a new boot and fell in love with the Vanilla Curve, which fit my narrow feet. My heel and ankle didn't move around when I tried them one and we checked. They were tight. The rest of the boot is still tight but around the ankle, they feel really loose. Are my socks too thin? Have my constant "ankle rolls" (for the lack of the correct term) caused my boots to loosen up? I don't know. And honestly, I kind of feel like giving up right now. It's like I've hit a wall or have plateaued. I don't feel like I'm improving, my job prevents me from making every practice and everyone that will ever be in the pink group will make it to the contact group before me.

See why I should stop thinking?

My thinking has given me a rotten attitude and I know it. This is why I'm not giving up and why I'll keep pushing myself. It is discouraging though and I hope the feeling passes soon because it's also very draining. I'm dreading practice tomorrow because even though it's awesome how hard we get pushed, I know I'll never be "in shape" because I'm always being pushed. The only plus is seeing everyone else in pain and struggling because even the most in shape person gets a beating in these work outs.

I want to get better. I'm just worried that I never will.