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It's been a while since I've written and a lot has happened. It's been rough and I find that I am now in a completely different spot than I had originally even imagined I would ever be.
I continued working on skills and on skating. Tryouts were June 19th. The stars aligned in such a way that not only would I not be able to make either recruit practice that week but I would also have a 16 hour day two days before tryouts. Fate would also intervene and make it known to me that my skates were too big! (A side note to all new skaters: your skates should be a tight fit! My first pair felt comfortable, almost the same fit as my normal shoes. This was way too loose and caused me all kinds of foot cramping and other problems). Thankfully (or not), one of the other girls had decided to sell off an extra pair of skates she had on hand and they were my size. I managed to get them...the day before tryouts. Probably not the best idea to wear new skates just before tryouts but I wanted to make it through!
The good news is that I made it through tryouts and didn't die. It sure felt like it at times and I've never been able to fully recount what we did as I just can't remember everything. An amazing experience that I'm glad I had, though the emotions of it all didn't hit until well into the next day. I learned that I was an inspiration to other girls as every time I fell down, I got right back up. I wasn't very steady on my skates but they were brand new to me skates and I hadn't had a chance to fully get use to them.
There were 60 girls trying out that day and what a day it was. I woke up relaxed and in a zen state. There was nothing I could do to change anything at that point. I would not worry or regret or ponder what I could have done differently. Instead, I went and got some advice from Betty and then met up with N for a nice relaxing lunch before heading over to the hole.
It was intense and I knew I'd start crying if I did make it, not if I didn't. I didn't expect to make it this year. I hadn't been on skates very long and skating has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. Gracefulness isn't my strong point. I've seen new born animals that have better control of their limbs than I occasionally do when I'm *not* on skates. I am very happy and pleased that I made it through.
Then came the next few weeks.
Work picked up with a big show so I wasn't really able to skate but I also didn't want to skate. While I didn't think any of the new skates would treat me differently because they were now on the league and I wasn't, I didn't want to skate with them. My faults didn't need to be pointed out and advice wasn't what I was looking for right then. While I didn't imagine making the league (and maybe that was why I didn't but I know I just wasn't ready), I also didn't imagine the let down feeling I'd have afterwards. Perhaps it's because I came from a small high school and a smaller college but even when I didn't make the cut in an audition, I was still highly involved in the production. I had a part and I could play it, even if it tended to be more backstage than in front of the curtain. But with roller derby, it wasn't that easy. In less than a month, I could try to be a non-skating official but I'd have to go to the referee try-outs. Suddenly people who had no interest in being a NSO wanted to be one just so they could be a member of the league. I didn't feel that need to do something I wasn't interested in just in the off chance that I might get to skate. Not that this is against the girls who did do that but it wasn't the role I wanted to play.
So I found myself in a weird limbo of people who had once been recruits together and then were in different places. I suddenly didn't want to hear about the new skaters needing help with their names or all of the cool things that they were going to be doing. All I wanted to do was to find my little cave, pull myself into it and lick my wounds. But I didn't really have any wounds to lick. I just didn't want to be treated differently even though there was a difference. It wasn't really enough of a one to have caused the changes that I seemed to be seeing.
The life intervened and I found myself home earlier than I thought I'd be for a funeral. The entire time, I just wanted to skate. I hadn't skated at this point since tryouts which had been two weeks previous. Whenever I was asked by my family what I wanted to do, I automatically responded that I wanted to go skating. I did eventually get to go skating again and it felt so good. The skates weren't quite what I was use to and I was at a much higher elevation but it felt right to be on skates again.
When I got home, I started to look into my options. I decided to not try to be a NSO as I had just arrived back from Colorado and I wasn't in the right mindset to even try to be human. I had joined a mailing list for a new recreational league created by MNRG called the Debu-Taunts. This seemed like it was going to be the place for me to skate for the year. Sadly, once again fate decided to shuffle things around and practices are planned to be on Sundays. During the summer this isn't a problem but starting in mid-August until early October, my weekends are taken over by one of my earliest loves and obsessions: the renaissance festival. I work out there so I can't just decide to not go so I could skate. My commitment was already set to this shop. Add into the fact that after the renaissance festival, my real job starts to pick up and so I find myself working a lot of Sundays.
Frustrated that I just wouldn't be able to do derby, I started searching the web. There must be another league that was closer than Duluth. Sure enough I found one. Based out of Eau Claire, the Chippewa Valley Roller Girls were looking for skaters to join their league. It seemed simple enough. Contact them, come out to a practice, fill out some paperwork and pay dues and I'd be a member. As they are so new, they only have one bouting team at this point. Excited and curious if they'd really take a girl from Minnesota, I sent them off an email. Sure enough, so long as I could make practices, I was more than welcome to join them.
A week later found me driving out to Eau Claire. A bundle of nerves, I was excited and scared. Here was a bunch of girls I'd never met who were going to let me come join their league. Would they be so much better than me that they wouldn't want someone at my level? Would the fact that I was running late because of rush hour traffic and orange cone season count so horribly against me that I couldn't be involved? Would they all hate me? (Ah, middle school fears always like to pop up whenever they can.) Would I fall more than I normally do? (I think I actually managed to fall less than I normally do and I hadn't had a chance to change my outdoor wheels out.)
Silly fears pushed aside, I found myself skating with a wonderful group of women. Whenever we worked on a skill, one of them would glance over at me and ask if I knew what they meant. It's amazing how you eventually start to understand what people say through a mouth guard. The next two weeks were full of shows so I'd miss practice but I'd join them again last night.
Once again my life had it's own weird explosions and I wasn't able to skate from that first practice I went to until I strapped on my skates last night, three weeks later. To my surprise, skill tests were starting. I was nowhere near prepared! I had no idea, though I know I wasn't the only one. While I'd managed to have the right wheels on, I had a hard time skating at first. Three weeks of not skating seems to do that to a body. Add in the fact that I was nervous about not passing a simple skill test, I found that I was having all kinds of problems. Shaking, falling and having just a bad time in general. However, the longer I skated, the more I realized that this was for my own safety as well as just seeing where I was in my skills. This didn't mark me as a failure if I didn't pass and it allowed me to reevaluate where I was and what I needed to work on. By the end of practice, I was glad to be there and pumped for the next week, trying to figure out where I could skate to practice some of the things I need to work on. Most importantly though, I was glad to be back on my wheels even if I knew I'd soon hear a chorus of "I told you so".
