I have a confession and a rather public apology to make.
A lot of the last 8 months have been filled with resentment. At first, it was very very constant. I resented all things with roller derby. It took me over a month to be able to wear my long, fun socks again, something I'd worn before I started doing derby and yet have become part of my derby life.
If not for the persistence of two very good friends, I probably wouldn't be on skates now. I don't resent them for continuing to push when the worst of it was over and I don't resent them for where I am now. I resent myself for picking the wrong path.
During the summer, there were some informal practices held for the Debu-Taunts. I went to one of the dry land practices, before my summer got busy with work. As they figured out when the session would officially start, I realized that it wouldn't work for me. I was already committed to working at the Renaissance festival and, due to my lovely cat eating and swallowing some string, I'd already been paid for my work for the season. For me, there was no way I could justify leaving early on Sundays to go do the Debu-Taunts. So I found something else.
That didn't work out.
So I stopped skating and I hid from derby. I was hurt and angry. Eventually I became resentful because I couldn't do it. The worst part was watching the women I'd started doing derby with going on with it. I went on an extreme and didn't have anything to do with it. On facebook, I hid people that I only knew through derby. I didn't go to any bouts and I simply wanted nothing to do with it. I hurt friends because I was so busy feeling hurt that I didn't see how my actions were affecting others. The worst part was that I was fully responsible for my decisions. No one forced me to find a different league or to not figure out some sort of other arrangement. I decided driving an absurd distance for practice once a week was a better option than anything else I had going for me. I wanted to be involved and be learning so badly, that I simply threw myself at any possibility. Never did I step back and wonder if this was really a good idea nor did I think any further than the moment.
Later, when things didn't work out, people pointed out how this might be for the best especially when winter brought the snows. This didn't really make me feel better because now I was even less than I had been. I'd been on an actual league and been a full member for a short period of time. After, I was no one and this hurt. I felt I'd been dumped by the guy I shouldn't have been dating in the first place. It hurt to realize that I was now never going to catch up.
A few weeks ago, it hit me that I'd been still holding onto this resentment, even though most of the sting was gone. It was so well hidden that I hadn't even realized it was still there. Tonight, after going on a small road trip to watch the local men's derby team compete, I realized that it was still there. One of the members of that former league was there. I didn't interact with her and I imagine she doesn't even remember me but it stirred up all those old feelings. It didn't help that I was the "new" kid in the group. I don't have any stories from the first session because I wasn't in it.
The worst part isn't even the loss of those stories. That I could be fine with. What hurts the most is that I pushed people away who had been close and now, that gap may never really be repaired because, for me, there's still this little voice reminding me, whenever they talk about what their section is working on, that I screwed up. I picked the wrong path and now will never catch up because I've fallen too far behind.
I remember being so excited a year ago about eventually clicking with someone and having a derby wife and getting into all the different leagues. My rejection last fall really hurt and I don't think I'm fully healed from it yet. I'm skating because I enjoy it and I want to, not to prove them wrong, but I don't know if I want to be a "real" derby girl anymore. Right now I'd be happy to stay in the "kiddie pool" for a long time because I'm afraid that even when I get to the higher groups that I'll still be alone from the isolation of my resentment.
So to those that I pushed away with my anger and hurt, I'm sorry. I've missed a lot being stuck in my own head. I can't fix that but I want to change the future. I'm trying to figure out how but first I need to remove this sliver of resentment from my heart.
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Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Final practice of the session or How Time Flies Faster on Wheels
It seems hard to believe it but we've reached the end of the session for derby. The silly thing is that originally we should have ended sometime around May 1st if we were keeping with a 16 or so week session. I'm happy that it was extended as it meant I got more time to skate.
Since tryouts are fast approaching (something I won't be doing with either local league this year; I've got previous commitments already and I'm not sure I'm ready to go through that stress again), the coaches opened up the last few practices an hour earlier than normal to get some more work on specific areas that people needed. This week, I took advantage of it, not because of try-outs but because Wet Spot was loaning me some wheels and I knew I'd need time to swap them out and get use to them.
Back in September, I was skating on two surfaces mostly; unfinished concrete in a hockey arena and sport core, which is a foam like substance. Before attending my last practice back then, I went out and bought new wheels for the concrete floor as the wheels I had just weren't grippy enough for me. Poisons were offered up as a good possibility for me, so I went with them.
I still believe that these were the best wheels for me at the time. I was still new enough to skating that the extra grip was helping me become a little more stable especially on the surface I was skating on. It was this last practice where I skated on the sport core for the first time. It's now been long enough that I don't remember what that felt with or how the wheels felt on them. Those sensations have long been lost to other memories and emotions of that evening.
As I skated more and more with the Debu-Taunts, I was learning more that it was my gear that was holding me back and not some sort of problem with myself and my abilities. Wet Spot, already giving me advice on plates, offered to loan me some wheels for as long as I'm using them. So Sunday he brought in a set of Zodiac wheels.
To say I was nervous about trying these wheels is a bit of an understatement. Here is was the last practice and I was possibly throwing a wrench into my game. I patiently pulled out my bearings and put them into the Zodiacs, and then got the wheels all onto my skates. Everyone else had started doing things by then (there were loose stations) but I was determined to not rush myself. I got my gear on and cautiously stood up. Everything felt so much different! I can't even begin to describe the feeling or the difference but I could feel it right away. As Wet Spot said, some of my squish was taken out, which my feet really did begin to notice. Skating a few times around the Roy, I felt all the things that I could control now. My feet could get my skates to swing side to side if I wanted them to and I could get my inside foot ahead of my outside foot when turning.
Full of glee and delight, I skated over to where Wet Spot was working with some girls. I did the footwork part and waited for him to explain the next part of the drill to the girls when I skated over to him and gave him a huge hug because I felt so much better! It wasn't a matter of changing me but getting the right gear under me.
The rest of the hour was spent working on those silly transitions. I talked with Hanna about them because I knew I could go from back to front easily but was this normal? Turns out that it was. When I asked Hanna to watch me go from front to back, she did and I managed to do it. Apparently I actually needed an audience that time to be able to perform. I watched one of the other coaches, Tiki, working with a girl on the same thing and asking her all kinds of questions so she couldn't think about what she was doing. I realized that I needed to do the same thing in a way. Eventually there was a little line of us going back and forth, working on transitions. One of the girls in my group cheered and clapped for me every time I was able to go around. At one point, while waiting, I simply stood there and flipped around in a circle. Amazing how only a few weeks ago I was convinced this was impossible.
When "real" practice started, we broke into two groups; those who were going to try out and everyone else. This meant that for the first time, really, I'd be working with girls from the higher levels on things. We started with skating backwards in the correct direction for a few laps when we switched to going forwards in the wrong direction. At least all of our muscles were worked then!
It's only been a few days but I can't rightly remember everything that we did anymore. I know that there was pack work and that I got to learn about whips and hits for the first time. The biggest thing was feeling like a team instead of individuals all trying to get better. With the mix of girls in the packs, there were different skill levels working together to try to make the pack work. I learned that even with better wheels, I'm still going to fall (though it took a lot longer into practice for me to fall than normal) but that I can make up speed now. I can skate through one pack and catch up with my pack without completely dying. For the first, I also fell and had to take a couple of minutes to recover. I think in the past, I've never been surprised by my falls but this one took my completely off guard and was a hard one. I don't know if the fall hurt or if it was the shock to my system that had me stopped for as long as I was.
One of the last things we did was one of the first things we did at our first skating practice. We were given the option to see how many laps we could do in 2 minutes, the length of a jam. I honestly wasn't going to do it. I was exhausted and felt I could barely stand but one of my team mates was going to do it by herself so I bounced up (as much as I could bounce at this point) and go onto the line with her. I did end up falling (twice I think) but managed to skate the diamond pattern on the track sans all the crossovers. Even with the falling, I made it 9.5 laps around the track.
A year ago, I probably would have been lucky to make it 5 times around, especially after such a hard practice. A year ago, I would have been agonizing over every second and wondering when it was going to end. Today, I didn't count the laps or worry about the time. I thought about breathing and following that diamond, keeping my feet moving and listening to my team mates cheer me on. I reminded my body that 2 minutes really isn't anything and if I could make it through the lap I just did, what is one more? I hope somewhere there's a copy of what I did in January as I'm curious how much, if any, I improved because it sure felt like an improvement.
The biggest and most important thing, I finally feel like this is my team. I've been holding back, not wanting to open up and get hurt again but this practice something shifted. Like the click of a well placed bearing in a wheel, I suddenly felt I wasn't fighting against something but working with a wonderful group of women. This small shift makes me a little sad as it was our last official practice and it finally clicked for me. Many of these women won't be around for the next session either due to jobs or school or simply not having the time to do derby but there's one thing they will always be: My Team Mates.
Since tryouts are fast approaching (something I won't be doing with either local league this year; I've got previous commitments already and I'm not sure I'm ready to go through that stress again), the coaches opened up the last few practices an hour earlier than normal to get some more work on specific areas that people needed. This week, I took advantage of it, not because of try-outs but because Wet Spot was loaning me some wheels and I knew I'd need time to swap them out and get use to them.
Back in September, I was skating on two surfaces mostly; unfinished concrete in a hockey arena and sport core, which is a foam like substance. Before attending my last practice back then, I went out and bought new wheels for the concrete floor as the wheels I had just weren't grippy enough for me. Poisons were offered up as a good possibility for me, so I went with them.
I still believe that these were the best wheels for me at the time. I was still new enough to skating that the extra grip was helping me become a little more stable especially on the surface I was skating on. It was this last practice where I skated on the sport core for the first time. It's now been long enough that I don't remember what that felt with or how the wheels felt on them. Those sensations have long been lost to other memories and emotions of that evening.
As I skated more and more with the Debu-Taunts, I was learning more that it was my gear that was holding me back and not some sort of problem with myself and my abilities. Wet Spot, already giving me advice on plates, offered to loan me some wheels for as long as I'm using them. So Sunday he brought in a set of Zodiac wheels.
To say I was nervous about trying these wheels is a bit of an understatement. Here is was the last practice and I was possibly throwing a wrench into my game. I patiently pulled out my bearings and put them into the Zodiacs, and then got the wheels all onto my skates. Everyone else had started doing things by then (there were loose stations) but I was determined to not rush myself. I got my gear on and cautiously stood up. Everything felt so much different! I can't even begin to describe the feeling or the difference but I could feel it right away. As Wet Spot said, some of my squish was taken out, which my feet really did begin to notice. Skating a few times around the Roy, I felt all the things that I could control now. My feet could get my skates to swing side to side if I wanted them to and I could get my inside foot ahead of my outside foot when turning.
Full of glee and delight, I skated over to where Wet Spot was working with some girls. I did the footwork part and waited for him to explain the next part of the drill to the girls when I skated over to him and gave him a huge hug because I felt so much better! It wasn't a matter of changing me but getting the right gear under me.
The rest of the hour was spent working on those silly transitions. I talked with Hanna about them because I knew I could go from back to front easily but was this normal? Turns out that it was. When I asked Hanna to watch me go from front to back, she did and I managed to do it. Apparently I actually needed an audience that time to be able to perform. I watched one of the other coaches, Tiki, working with a girl on the same thing and asking her all kinds of questions so she couldn't think about what she was doing. I realized that I needed to do the same thing in a way. Eventually there was a little line of us going back and forth, working on transitions. One of the girls in my group cheered and clapped for me every time I was able to go around. At one point, while waiting, I simply stood there and flipped around in a circle. Amazing how only a few weeks ago I was convinced this was impossible.
When "real" practice started, we broke into two groups; those who were going to try out and everyone else. This meant that for the first time, really, I'd be working with girls from the higher levels on things. We started with skating backwards in the correct direction for a few laps when we switched to going forwards in the wrong direction. At least all of our muscles were worked then!
It's only been a few days but I can't rightly remember everything that we did anymore. I know that there was pack work and that I got to learn about whips and hits for the first time. The biggest thing was feeling like a team instead of individuals all trying to get better. With the mix of girls in the packs, there were different skill levels working together to try to make the pack work. I learned that even with better wheels, I'm still going to fall (though it took a lot longer into practice for me to fall than normal) but that I can make up speed now. I can skate through one pack and catch up with my pack without completely dying. For the first, I also fell and had to take a couple of minutes to recover. I think in the past, I've never been surprised by my falls but this one took my completely off guard and was a hard one. I don't know if the fall hurt or if it was the shock to my system that had me stopped for as long as I was.
One of the last things we did was one of the first things we did at our first skating practice. We were given the option to see how many laps we could do in 2 minutes, the length of a jam. I honestly wasn't going to do it. I was exhausted and felt I could barely stand but one of my team mates was going to do it by herself so I bounced up (as much as I could bounce at this point) and go onto the line with her. I did end up falling (twice I think) but managed to skate the diamond pattern on the track sans all the crossovers. Even with the falling, I made it 9.5 laps around the track.
A year ago, I probably would have been lucky to make it 5 times around, especially after such a hard practice. A year ago, I would have been agonizing over every second and wondering when it was going to end. Today, I didn't count the laps or worry about the time. I thought about breathing and following that diamond, keeping my feet moving and listening to my team mates cheer me on. I reminded my body that 2 minutes really isn't anything and if I could make it through the lap I just did, what is one more? I hope somewhere there's a copy of what I did in January as I'm curious how much, if any, I improved because it sure felt like an improvement.
The biggest and most important thing, I finally feel like this is my team. I've been holding back, not wanting to open up and get hurt again but this practice something shifted. Like the click of a well placed bearing in a wheel, I suddenly felt I wasn't fighting against something but working with a wonderful group of women. This small shift makes me a little sad as it was our last official practice and it finally clicked for me. Many of these women won't be around for the next session either due to jobs or school or simply not having the time to do derby but there's one thing they will always be: My Team Mates.
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