Why Do I Skate?

It's been a rough time for me lately. Mostly emotionally but sometimes that's harder. A sore muscle I can stretch. A cold I can treat with rest and liquids. But emotional pain? Much harder to process. Add into the fact that it isn't just coming from one source right now, but several. My life is definitely in a much different place than I would have imagined it would be a year ago.

I've not been improving. More accurately, I don't feel like I'm improving because work has taken priority over skating. It's the side-effect of working in theatre, which I absolutely love. I've written about it before. I'm extremely lucky to be doing what I love and getting paid enough to do more than make ends meet. I also wouldn't really do well in a corporate environment.

So because of this feeling of frustration and disappointment, I'm re-evaluating why I skate.

THE REASONS I COULD BUT DON'T USE


Roller derby has been gaining popularity faster than a semi-truck with burned out brakes down a mountain pass. Everyone wants to do it. Or at least everyone wants to be "cool" enough to do roller derby. I'm not doing roller derby to be cool or because it's popular. Usually when something is popular, I steer far away from it, usually because it won't hold interest for me.

I don't skate to be cool or because it's popular.


Two years ago this coming fall, I was told that I might not ever be athletic enough and was too old for roller derby. Revenge can be a great motivator. And trying to prove someone else wrong is just as powerful. Except it leaves a bitter taste because the other person really doesn't care. Trust me, I've done it before.

I don't skate to prove to anyone that I can.


For whatever reason, the derby world and the Ren. faire world here in Minnesota has a lot of cross-over. It would make sense to do derby because "everyone else" is doing it. This is related to the idea of doing it because it's popular. Plenty of my friends also have tattoos but that doesn't mean I'm ever going to get one just because everyone else is doing it. I've been hearing about derby years before That Movie came out, so I've known about it for a while. Anyone in this group could have easily tried to convince me to skate because they can do it.

I don't skate because everyone else does it.


When you mention roller derby to most people, they immediately imagine girls in fish nets and hot pants beating the stuffing out of each other. There have been women who have mentioned that they wish they could play so they could use their aggression and beat people up. What people who are only casually into the sport don't realize is that it's no longer a blood bath. Yes, players hit each other but then football players tackle each other. The teams and players that are really good use hits in a smart way not out of pure aggression.

I don't skate because I'm angry and want an excuse to hit people.


Some people start exercising or a sport to lose weight. According to the BMI (which is a load of bollocks as far as I'm concerned), I'm obese. Yet if you were to look at me, you couldn't think so. Yes, there are some squishy bits but most of those are good (really, I'm not smuggling melons). Most of my frame is made up of muscle and muscle weighs more than fat. The really cool thing is that I have been loosing weight. It's a nice little perk but it's not the reason why I skate.

I don't skate so I can weigh less.


SO WHY DO I SKATE?


To those who can skate with ease and those who have never tried, let it be known that skating can be -ing hard. The first time I put on skates and tried skating, I fell at least 20 times. My skates with crappy ABEC 1 bearings and outdoor wheels spun too much for me that I couldn't stand up on carpet. Rental skates were something I could barely handle. It was one of the hardest 30 minutes in my life.

After that one time, I could have easily given up. No one would have blamed me. In a lot of way, I was along for the ride. My friend came along with a group of us to watch derby and she decided we needed to do it. At that time, I knew it wasn't something I could do. I had no faith in myself. In fact, nearly a year earlier I commented on a facebook post saying "I've actually never roller skated before...but I am a little intrigued...I'm just not sure I have the personality for it."

Yeah, I'll give you a moment to stop laughing at that one.

It's how I felt though. I was given gear and was terrified to go skating on my own. While I admired the women on the track, I was sure that I could never be one. I've spent my whole life avoiding sports and having my clumsiness reinforced. Skating is basically gliding along and when I hit a patch of ice, I would fall spectacularly. I could trip on flat surfaces. So the idea of putting me on skates was extremely terrifying. But I did it because I had a friend extremely enthusiastic who believed in me far more than I did.

Unlike many things in my life, skating is the first that I approached without previous knowledge. I'd never skated before and, as far as I know, no one in my family has either. For the first time, I understood why playing the same blasted scale over and over on my flute was important. It took nearly two decades but skating was where I finally applied the lessons of practicing music. No one expected me to be perfect and they encouraged me. Perfect strangers at the skating rink would offer advice and never in a condescending way. They truly were excited to see someone learning how to skate.

It would have been so easy to give up but I didn't. I had no illusions about the odds of playing derby right away. There is so much to learn and I was simply trying to figure out how to stop without having to crash into something and to stand up without rolling away. It became fun. Shortly thereafter, it hurt to skate. Not physically (I mean, yes it was uncomfortable as I was using muscles I usually don't but that's not the focus right now), but emotionally. Being told I would probably never be good enough completely deflated me. I didn't want anything to do with derby so I didn't. It took over a month to get me to simply go skating again. It took being sleep-deprived and having my friend offer to turn in my paperwork (I was working a show) to get me to agree to join the Debs. I was so guarded for the first session that I didn't really get to know the other skaters until the very end of it. I didn't want to be told that I couldn't do it because I wasn't good enough. Debs is a recreational league so there should be a place for me, right? It took having my faith restored in my abilities (and some crying; there was definitely crying) for me to be able to open up.

But I don't think I've ever actually answered why I skate to anyone, not even myself. Which is why it's taken me over a week to write this entry. It's been hard to figure out why exactly I skate. I've also realized that it's not true that I've gotten nothing out of the practices I've made. I've just not gotten to where I want to be, which is often how life seems to work.

I skate because I love the feel of being an athlete. I love the speed of going around a track and the exhilaration of a sudden stop.

I skate because it allows me to meet some of the most amazing people I've ever met. They inspire me to push harder.

I skate because it's who I am. It was a hidden part of me that needed to be found and shown where it belonged. That piece of me belongs on skates.

I skate derby because I can leave everything off the track and for that short time, I am who I am with no one able to tell me otherwise.

I skate derby because I can show the world who I am, a strong, confident and loving woman, simply by going around a track.

I skate derby because the bond I've formed with my team mates is as strong as blood relations.

I skate derby with the team I do because the showed me that I am athletic enough and that I can do anything if I want to do it. I skate with them because I don't have to prove myself to anyone.