Stuck

Disclaimer: I'm angsty but not quitting.

I've not posted for a while and with good reason. I've not been to practice since the end of October. It's not as though I've been skipping because I didn't want to go. I would have much rather have gone to practice than some of the things that I've had to do instead.

I feel stuck and not just with derby.

I use to actively read all the theatre trade magazines out there and was on top of all the new technology. I knew when new books by my favorite authors were coming out. I knew when bouts were happening. Now...not so much. Frankly, I'm not a good fangirl of anything. The only reason I know when my favorite band of all time is releasing a new album or going on tour is because I get emails from them. I don't do forums. Most of the news I get is through MPR or facebook. I learn about new movies or derby stuff from friends who have already known for months. I don't know the new derby rules. I don't spend hours online watching derby, sitting on forums and sucking up information about it. I don't do that with anything though.

This fall has kind of sucked in some ways. Being married is awesome. Work has been busy but there's been a lot of awesome things happening. But there has been a lot of suck. I've not made a single derby bout. I've made the 2nd half of the 2nd match of the first bout in September. Since then? Work has had some event that I've had to be at so no derby. And it's not just the not watching that I'm missing. Last season, I was able to volunteer a lot. I did the black eye booth and derby 101 and derby questions. This season so far? Nothing.

This is a new kind of frustration.

A lot of it has to do with priorities. They've certainly changed but then again, only in some ways. I see friends who have devoted their entire lives to derby, which is fine for them. But for me, I see idol worship. I don't want that and I know that that is what would happen to me if I did try to do it. On the other hand, the only way to get better is to be completely devoted to something. My Gramps use to talk about wishing that he could ski like Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly could dance but he always pointed out that all they would do is dance. That was their lives, so of course they were good at it. I've got too much. Family and work. Church and friends. Other activities (knitting, gaming, etc.) that take up time.

Last night I started to think about how I could make derby work or at least get more out of derby and give more to derby. The only answer I see right now is to find a different job. Unfortunately, I really like my job even when it throws curve balls and adds events at the last minute that mean I can't make the last derby practice of the session. And even if where I worked wasn't working out, I love the field I'm in, theatre. It's hard to have a theatre job in production that doesn't involve nights and weekends. I don't know how to balance work and derby. I don't think I could handle a 9-to-5-at-a-desk job. I would be miserable but I could do more with derby but doing more with derby wouldn't necessarily make me happier.

So what do I do?

I'm not sure. Sign up for the next session and hope I can make more practices. Go to the bouts, assuming there's nothing work related that would prevent me. Try to find balance somehow. I miss it. My body misses it. And I miss my friends.