Hope

Sometimes, I get motivation and hope from the strangest places. Today was one of those days.

It shouldn't be too surprising that to be able to participate in practice, one has to sit through a talk of the rules. Even if you've been doing it for a while, it's a new session and sometimes rules change. Rule number one will never change. Don't be a Douche Bag. However, it seems that there is a need to remind people that they are adults and need to take care of themselves. This also doesn't surprise me.

What did end up surprising me was how I started to feel. Not realizing that there was going to be a meeting before practice for those of us who couldn't make the first practice (I wasn't the only one), I didn't think to check my email until just before 3pm. I knew that practice had been moved to a 4pm start and as such, I'd have plenty of time to get to practice and find parking. Turns out that the meeting was going to happen at 3pm. I quickly threw myself together, remembering my tennis shoes and paperwork, and flew out the door. While I love being on skates, I'm happy today was a day of dry land. It meant one less thing for me to haul. I got there feeling ashamed and embarrassed for being late. I was an disappointment to myself. Add on top of this, the overwhelming sense of discouragement and I wasn't really looking forward to practice. Being so late (about 15 minutes) almost had me convinced to just turn around as I wouldn't be able to practice without sitting through the talk. I'm glad I ignored my brain.

The coach who held the talk let us know why we're doing so much dry land. It's to strengthen our bodies. No one (or at least almost no one) does squats or push-ups for fun. I'm sure if I thought about it long enough, I could find an exception to that statement. It's something I wish I had learned when I was still active musically. You must always practice the fundamentals as everything else is based on it. If you can't do a complicated scale pattern, you aren't going to be able to do a complicated phrase of music. The same holds true for derby, and I imagine, for life in general. If my ankles aren't strong enough off skates, how can I expect them to be in skates? It may take a while, but if I continue to work on it, then I will get there.
For me, it's not about the wearing of a cute outfit and skating in front of a crowd. Frankly, skating in front of a crowd kind of scares me. All those people screaming and cheering? I've heard that you sort of tune it out and focus on the game, which I hope is true. Instead, it's about getting better and seeing growth in myself. I've seen it in my arms and my legs. My core has gotten so much stronger that it makes me giddy. I can do things now that I couldn't a year ago. Ankles, on the other hand, are a lot harder to see improvement in. I still feel unstable when balancing during dry land. Granted, this is after we've been doing a lot of stuff but I know it's my ankle stability. It takes time to build up those muscles. It wasn't so hard with everything else because I use it daily at work. Learning how to engage my core actually made some things at work a lot easier. I wish I'd understood how to do it much sooner!
So instead of hearing about how this is to prevent injury (I did indeed hear that part, but I already get that), what I heard the loudest was that I need to keep working and to stop being so hard on myself. I love the amount of encouragement I receive from the other women I skate with and I hope they get that I encourage them just as much. Today, I was unable to shout my encouragements (though I did make a comment about one minute being a half a jam as a way to motivate myself) but I was certainly smiling and giving thumbs up and whatever else I could to encourage. After one of the jumping drills, my legs completely gave out and one of the women actually came over to help me stand back up. I honestly couldn't tell you who it was because I was in so much pain but I was very grateful for the help. So much of the pain is my mind trying to convince me to give up because I'm uncomfortable. The rest of the pain is my ripping my muscles apart to make them stronger.
It's easy to see someone "not trying hard enough" and wonder why they're still doing derby. It's harder to get to know them to learn about their struggles as to why it looks like they aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, I think we all give in to the voice telling us to not push as hard because that's easier. Yet it's important to know when the voice is telling us to slow down because our body is actually in pain. I had to remember that today during one of the drills. We were hopping up stairs (yes, you read that correctly; try it sometime. It's not as easy as you would think) and I had one last set to finish. My heart rate had been elevated during the drill and I was taking the time to get it back down to a point where I didn't feel as though I might pass out. I got halfway through the last set and had to stop but wanted to keep pushing. As another skater came down the steps, she told me to listen to my body. Two skaters, both league skaters I believe, stopped and got onto the same step with me. They reminded me to breathe deeply and to keep pushing but do it at the pace my body to handle. As we slowly made it up the stairs (and at the start, I was really wanting to figuratively kick myself for not being able to do faster), I started to hear the other women cheering us on. I don't know if the the two skaters who joined me had finished or not. I think they had and that they decided to join me so that I wouldn't finish the drill on my own. I felt so happy to make it to the top that I wanted to cry. I gave up control that inner, doubting voice has sometimes and let my body do what it does best. I trusted myself because they trusted and believed in me.
Before practice started and we were done with our paperwork, I went to go say hello to people and chat with them. It was amazing how many commented on how awesome I was looking. Between eating a lot better (good-bye fast food! good-bye cheap crap!), I've also started to challenge myself more physically. I take stairs two at a time. If there's an opportunity to jump something, I take it. I'll stand around chatting with co-workers and balance on one foot. All of these little things are starting to add up to more inches melting away from my body. Something that really amazed me was getting complimented on my wall-sit from Thursday. I managed to do a wall-sit for 3 minutes and 35 seconds. The only "break" I took was when my feet started to slip out from under me. My quads hated me afterwards but I was amazingly proud of myself. In truth, my quads still hate me, especially after today's practice. One of my friends commented on how she was a wimp compared to me and that I was awesome. This friend is now a group level higher than me and can do things on skates that I can't do yet. Her comment of being awesome because of how hard I pushed myself started to turn the switch on my attitude. That change in my attitude let me have a great practice.
All of these little things gave me hope today. I'm still a bit discouraged because I have hit a plateau. My sweetie has suggested I start doing some cross-training in yoga. I think that's probably a good idea. I've also thought it might not be too bad to go do some bouldering or maybe even pick up a little parkour. It will still work similar muscles but maybe working them in a different way will help them and it'll help me get through this wall I'm stuck behind.

A High Followed by an Immediate Low

It's funny how motivation works sometimes. Earlier today I was working on a blog post. My sweetie, having never seen my creative process before, thought I was dawdling and being distracted. The problem is that in order to focus and write, I have to get the excess energy out of my system. Sometimes I'll have everything I want to say in my head and all I have to do is sit in front of a computer and type. Usually this happens when I have absolutely nothing to even jot an idea down on let alone have the entire thing flow out. So it gets shuffled into a mental box and I get to it eventually. Unfortunately, quite a few other shiny things wander through my mind in the time between when I'm inspired and when I'm actually able to write. Too often I sit staring at the blank screen, waiting for my brilliance to come back. So I poke around on the internet, retracing things I've done in hopes that I'll stumble onto the right word or phrase that will allow my thoughts to flow into the thing I meant to write. I started that this morning but felt discouraged when my sweetie decided I needed a task master to keep me on task. So I threw in the towel for the time being because trying to force it wasn't going to make it happen and it seemed that I'd just be under pressure to get it all out.

The day progressed and I seemed to be in a bit of a funk. I've had a lot of anxiety for several reasons and thankfully skating has been a great outlet for it. Then I started thinking.

You know what one phrase all of my coaches have said to me?

STOP THINKING!

Even off the track, I should remember this because so often, I start thinking and then things go "wrong." If I think too hard when I'm skating, I start to doubt myself and then usually end up falling. I've now figuratively fallen because I started thinking too much.

I'm feeling really discouraged. There's a lot of stuff that I'm discouraged about but I realized today that I'm starting to feel really discouraged about derby.

(Note: I was interrupted while writing this at midnight last night. It was once again my sweetie and this time I simply became angry which caused a whole series of interesting and good events in the long run. Now back to my whining.)


Why do I feel discouraged? I mean, I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago or even six months ago. But I'm seeing others doing so much better and passing me. I feel stuck and frustrated. It's hard to not compare yourself to other skaters when you see other skaters all of the time. You shouldn't because this is such an individual experience yet it's so easy to fall into that trap. Trust me, I'm in it right now.

When I work on things outside of practice such as wall-sits or push-ups, I can feel and see a change in how my body is working. My biggest physical weakness, the thing that is holding me back, is my ankle stability. And I have been working to improve it. I work on balancing on one foot and then doing half-squats while on one foot, placing my other leg in other positions. I trace the alphabet with both feet. I do calf raises and walk on my toes. Despite all of this, it feels that *nothing* has improved. I do amazing toe stop runs and then when I try to transition out of them, one of my ankles gives out, causing me to fall. Even writing about it, I feel the urge to throw a temper tantrum. Is it the boot or is it my ankle? I don't know. I was fitted for a new boot and fell in love with the Vanilla Curve, which fit my narrow feet. My heel and ankle didn't move around when I tried them one and we checked. They were tight. The rest of the boot is still tight but around the ankle, they feel really loose. Are my socks too thin? Have my constant "ankle rolls" (for the lack of the correct term) caused my boots to loosen up? I don't know. And honestly, I kind of feel like giving up right now. It's like I've hit a wall or have plateaued. I don't feel like I'm improving, my job prevents me from making every practice and everyone that will ever be in the pink group will make it to the contact group before me.

See why I should stop thinking?

My thinking has given me a rotten attitude and I know it. This is why I'm not giving up and why I'll keep pushing myself. It is discouraging though and I hope the feeling passes soon because it's also very draining. I'm dreading practice tomorrow because even though it's awesome how hard we get pushed, I know I'll never be "in shape" because I'm always being pushed. The only plus is seeing everyone else in pain and struggling because even the most in shape person gets a beating in these work outs.

I want to get better. I'm just worried that I never will.

Challenge Week #1

One of the frustrating things about work is that I sometimes miss derby practice. I *love* my job but I wish it was a little less flexible of a schedule. I realize this sounds odd but I don't work a "normal" 9 to 5 job and often have hours spread all over the place. This works great for me on a lot of levels but not so great for derby.

I learned a couple of days after our first practice, which I missed, that there are now going to be weekly challenges to help us improve during the week. Awesome! Yet another thing to work on with the wonderful women with whom I skate.

Week #1 Challenge
Sets of 3 & 20 regular sit ups
Do everyday. Should take about 4 minutes.

Sets of 3 are
3 push ups on your toes then 3 on your knees and then 3 tricep push
ups on your stomach.
2 push ups on toes, 2 knee etc...
Then one of each.

Finish with 20 sit ups.


So how did I do? I'm sad to say not too well. I didn't find out about it until late on Tuesday and my day didn't really allow for it when I wasn't getting done with work until after 10 pm. I managed to do it Wednesday, with my fiance wanting to know all about it and even doing it with me. Thursday and Friday went by in a blur. I did manage to do it today. During a show. They were doing a door prize drawing and I knew I had about 10 minutes to kill so I did it in the light booth.


While I didn't get it in the other days, I'm not feeling too bad because of the other stuff I managed to fit in. There's a room being redone in my new home and I've been painting the walls. If you've never done a large amount of painting, especially on a roller on 8' walls, trust me, it works out the arms and the abs. My job is very physically demanding. This week I spent time pushing and steering concert units that weight two tons as well as flying in various theatrical elements. All of this also works the arms and abs and I certainly am feeling it.


There is something really big I learned this week though. In order to succeed at these challenges, I need to plan the time ahead of schedule. I am a queen of many things in my mind and one of those is a queen of procrastination. Everything can be done later. This is an aspect of my life that I'm fighting against because I'm really starting to see how there is never a "later" for things to get done. So I need to set aside a time everyday when I know that I can do the challenge and I need some sort of accountability system which is why I'm writing about it. By the end of this session, I hope to have fit in every challenge, even during my busiest weeks. It takes small steps though and the smallest is acknowledging that I need to do this to be successful. 

Clever Title Here

It's been quite the new year and I've had quite a few things floating in my head to write about, especially here. This is why I own a small notebook so that I can jot ideas down as they float into my head. Unfortunately, that's hard to do when I'm actively skating and apparently I often forget those ideas when I get back around said notebook. Hence the title to this post. I've had many clever and witty titles that would tie into exactly what I want to write about but they are simply gone for now. Instead, imagine one for me and bear with me as this goes a bit Ferret in its stream.

Small Changes Make for Awesome Results

Back in December, I found myself struggling with a couple of things. My constant enemy, transitions, seemed to be on the verge of being conquered only to find myself surprised by an old companion turning on me. Toe stop runs. Last spring, by the end of the session, I looked awesome at toe stop runs.

See? I look awesome at it!

But something happened. They were suddenly a struggle! I could do them, sort of but it was just awkward and I didn't feel confident in them. Maybe they weren't in the same place they were when this picture was taken as I had new boots now. There had to be something. I just didn't know what it was and I knew there was only one group of people who could help me. My trainers.

So I pestered them about what I might need to do in order to remedy this issue. Their advice? Get Gumball Toe Stops. They aren't expensive but they make a *HUGE* difference. I got a set for Christmas (I had a very specific Christmas list which my fiance loved as it meant he could just get me those things and know that I'd like them) and adore them.

The first time I took them out was during something called Derby Hour. Here in the Twin Cities, we're spoiled. There's the Metrodome, which apparently has sports in it (I've never been) but the awesome part is that during the winter, they open the concourse up to skaters and call it Rollerdome. With the growth of derby in the Cities, one of the workers there has managed to arrange for quad skaters (derby folk) to stay an hour later on Monday nights for a chance to work on drills. Skating there is great endurance building but it's awesome to have a huge place that will let us do drills.

The first Monday of the new year, I went to skate and stayed for Derby Hour. I know I didn't stay the whole time but I did a modified drill that I've learned from the men's league. It involves skating backwards, hearing an imaginary whistle in my head, stopping and then sprinting forward until I give myself another imaginary whistle. Then I stop and do the whole thing again. It's great to do with a partner because it helps you work on staying with your partner but for me, it was about the sprinting.

Normally I do 2 toe stop runs and then just move on my wheels. This is usually because I've just psyched myself out MAJORLY. At the end of the fall session, it was because I just couldn't feel my toe stops under me. It wasn't comfortable or right. Doing the above drill, I sprinted on my toe stops for at least 6 steps. And I didn't psych myself out and fall when I realized what I'd done either.

I'm still in awe over how one small, rather inexpensive piece of gear has caused so much change. This is the second upgrade I've made to my skates that has been at the $20 level or less. The other investment was getting a set of Magic Cushions. I've had to crank down on my trucks and I still have huge flexibility.

Growing Roots

Yet another thing happened to me in December. I got engaged. What does this have to do with my derby journey? Quite a lot actually. I'm engaged to a man who went out and bought roller skates (not cheap ones either) so that we could go skating together because he wants to support me. His daughters are now involved in roller derby.

But sometimes happy events can have a bit of darkness to them. I've had some friends not take the news well and while I know it's out of concern for me, it does make me sad and a bit anxious. One of my coaches was offering me congrats at our holiday party and wanted to know how things were going. I didn't go into detail but I did mention having some people not supportive and she asked me what I was going to do about it. I didn't know, which she really didn't believe. Before I was actually able to answer, she looked at me and told me that I had wonderful intuition but that I doubted myself more than I should. (There was probably more swearing and I'm paraphrasing but the idea is still there.) She told me to be confident with my decisions because I know what I need and who I am and what to do. This is where so many people have problems. They don't trust themselves and are full of doubt about their own ability. Not only was I getting advice on how to deal with friendships that felt strained and potentially dying, but I was getting advice about being a skater.

It felt as though I was growing roots into myself. By being rooted (yes, I know the word has many meanings), I am able to do things. I trust that a tree isn't going to fall over because it has massive roots digging into the soil. I need to do the same thing with myself. The reason I fall when I do transitions is because I'm afraid that I'll fall. I'd never realized that until after these words had been said to me. Yet, there I was, skating at the Rollerdome and I decided to do a transition at a slow speed. Before I even got halfway there, I felt the doubt and the fear, so I stopped. I knew I'd fall. Derby isn't about falling. Derby is a lot of things but it isn't about falling. Falling happens and often the falling is from pushing so hard at something your body can't do so that it will grow but the purpose isn't to fall. So I stopped myself from falling when I sensed doubt. That wasn't good soil to plant myself into (and I'd just plant myself on my backside if I did) and expect to succeed. After mentally pulling myself together, and using one of the many tricks I've got in my bag on how to do transitions, I tried again and succeed. I succeed because I believed. It took a while to get the fear and doubt back out of my head but I managed to do it.

Start to the Session

The spring session for my league has started up. This past Sunday actually but I wasn't able to make the first practice. I love my job dearly but sometimes it means I make sacrifices. I get paid to do something that I absolutely love. Unfortunately I had to work a concert instead of working.

This fall was my second session and I got to be at the first practice. Last spring I missed the first session and felt completely out of it. Who were the new people? Who were the old people? What were we suppose to do? What had I missed? In elementary school, I hated missing days of school because I was afraid that I'd miss something Important. Until recently, I was semi-convinced that I'd missed an Important Lesson on How to Be an Adult but over the last couple of years, I've decided that everyone missed that class. It's the same with derby. I can go skate and do push-ups on my own but it's not the same. Derby is very much a social sport and you build a kinship by doing all of these hard things together.

Last spring I was very apprehensive of getting close to other skaters. What if they thought I was too weird? (That would be a childhood issue rearing it's ugly head.) What if they thought I wasn't good enough? Even worse, what if they told me that I'd NEVER be good enough to do derby? So I kept to myself and the handful of skaters I already knew. In the few group things with the league skaters, I found myself more often hanging out with them than my fellows as I didn't feel as nervous around them. I was so stressed about being rejected and being the odd-skater-out, that I missed a lot of chances to connect but then I broke through a wall and started to have those connections.

This session, I'm not so worried about that. I've managed to have found myself and have gotten out of my own head. There were team mates who have seen me at the Rollerdome or elsewhere, checking to make sure I was coming back, especially after not being there the first practice. It's really great to feel connected and remembered by so many people. Even when I'm skating on my own, I think of them and it helps to give me strength.