Derby Wife

I recently read the book, Going in Circles. I bought it (or it was bought for me; can't really remember anymore) shortly after it came out. One of my many bad habits is buying books and then not reading them for ages. I really like owning books though. This one I put off for many reasons, one of which has been my struggle getting back into derby. It's almost funny how quickly I fell in and out of love with the sport. I'm starting to fall back in love so on my recent trip home, I packed the book to take with me. It was a good read especially while sick but one thing really struck me to the core. The main character ends up with a derby wife.

This isn't just someone who introduces her to roller derby and helps motivate her through it. This is someone who helps her keep perspective on life and helps her push herself. They become inseparable on and off the track. I've watched a good friend of mine with her derby wife from even before I understood what a derby wife was. They are there for each other with derby and real life, helping with various things and just being there.

I almost had that once and I screwed up.

I got involved with derby with a friend. She and I for a while became almost inseparable. We got gear together and thought about our derby futures together. We were there for each other though she probably pushed me more than I pushed her. Then our paths split and I had my falling out with derby. And I watched her go on with derby and get better and I got bitter. And it hurt. I didn't want to talk about derby because I felt like a failure. I didn't think I was good enough and I did seriously think about never strapping on skates again. I felt I'd let everyone down, including myself, and I was too upset and hurt to skate.

It was during this time that I lost my almost derby wife. It's really my own fault. The worst part is that I didn't realize it right away. I was so heartsick and then life threw some nasty curves at me. She was the one who got me back on skates and got me to sign up for the Debs. And I started to actually retreat into myself. It was during this time that I started to wake up and realize that I'd done her a huge wrong. I've tried to write about it before but there aren't enough words to explain or to apologize. We've even talked about that and I know she's forgiven. We've even spent time together and I've sat there racking my brain, trying to figure out how to tell her what exactly she means to me and how much it means to me that she's not given up on me because frankly I'd expect most people to not be that patient with me. It's almost as though I'm 13 again and I'm trying to tell my crush how much I like them but words fail me and I just am there, trying to make up for being a crappy friend for so long.

So now, weeks after I first started thinking about how I almost had a derby wife, all I can do is write about it here. I see other girls I skate with declaring to be each others derby wife and part of me gets jealous. I don't know if I'll ever have a derby wife now as I had someone who even now acts the way that I imagine a derby wife would and all I was was someone too self-involved to help out a good friend. She knows who she is and she may get angry that I'm writing this but I don't know how else to tell her. I'm terrified of being rejected by her and I'm terrified of hearing the faults I know I have to be said back to me. Every time I've started, the words won't even leave my lips and it feels as though my throat is closing up with the realization that I could screw things up even more. So I sit back and try to be there and hope that maybe one day, I'll have a derby wife as awesome as she already is.

End of year and the emotions that follow

It's been quite a spring, strike that, summer so far. The summer started with the end of the Debu-Taunts season and a road trip.

You might have been able to tell that the last post was really emotional. This summer has been rather emotional for me. I've heard that derby does that to you but I've always been a bit (HUGE understatement that) emotional. I don't do well with people. Actually, I do well with people. I don't do well with women. Put me in a room of mixed company and I can hold my own. Stick me with a bunch of geeky guys and I'm right there with them. Surround me with women in my age range and I'm intimidated and worried that someone (if not all of them) are going to hate me. Yes, I know, irrational feelings but they are there and while I am actually working on them, some things tend to stay the same. I'm not really good at small talk and large amounts of people when I'm not in my element frighten me. Throw me in a corset at any renaissance festival or sci-fi con and I know what to do. Stick me in a room with people all dressed up and I tend to freak out, even if all of these people are involved in derby.

There were a lot of other things that led me to this heightened state. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my Gramps's death. I'd have loved to tell him that I was at an award's banquet for a sport. I'd never done that before. I know he'd be proud but it's something different to tell him. Add into this hormonal fun and stress in life as well as a very introvert boyfriend and I was fretting. A lot. I mean, I got there early because I didn't want to be late.

As we entered, there was a small crowd and people were all excited. The more excited they got, the more nervous I got. It wasn't about winning anything either. It was about feeling left out. I'd joined Debs in January and, due to work, had missed the first practice. I know I wasn't the only one who wasn't there from the beginning but I hate missing things. I want to be in the know though there usually has never been a know to be in.

My Gentleman and I ended up sitting at a table up front as the small tables didn't really allow for large crowds (neither did my dress really) mostly because I was afraid to join in on any group and I didn't want to throw G into anything that made him uncomfortable. The funny thing was that he did know one of the husbands there but that's more of a side note.

I hit a point where I knew I was going to cry but it was my issue. I was feeling awkward and left out and not approaching people in combination of feeling they should approach me but mostly because I was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.

I did have a bit of a cry and a huge hug from Betty who told me that a lot of stuff. None of it is really meant for here but I remember it and it was for me. And it made sense. There was more talking later which was actually amusing as the Drunk Betty was more articulate than Sober Betty. Less thinking involved.

Then it happened. Seeing these other women who had gone through their own tough times. I didn't know their stories even as I was busy trying to make mine fit. I watched women who I admired and found amazingly strong, start to break down and cry on the stage. And not just fellow Debs but the coaches as well.

The "official" night ended with a huge group hug on stage and I ended up chatting with one of the coaches about the season and she encouraged me to come back and that no matter what, I had derby in common with everyone in the room so I could at least start talking to them about that. She acknowledged that I'm really hard on myself but then complimented me on having some of the best damn toe stop runs in the group. I think I started crying again.

After the awards, we did karaoke. I. Don't. Do. Karaoke. The sound of my voice amplified freaks me out. I hate testing mics but would rather do that then to be the one setting the levels for the mic. Out of curiosity, I checked out the book. They had one of my songs. There are a few songs that I'd be willing to sing if they had them and I was able to find one of them. And it's a good song. It's one I wanted to share with everyone there, so I sang it. The song? Good Mother by Jann Arden Look it up on Youtube. It's an amazing song. Somehow, I got through it, in a corset, and had the other women singing along. One of them even gave me a huge hug, thanking me for reminding her of that song.


A few days later, I started celebrating my 30th birthday. I wanted to go skating so invited as many people as I could. Threw it together even and didn't expect much. More Debs came out than I expected and they all wished me a happy  birthday. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

Since then, the day before my birthday, I've not had a chance to skate due to being almost deathly ill. I thought I was over it and on my annual summer trip to Colorado, I got even sicker. I'm glad I didn't bring my skates but I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to skate! There are Debs moving and joining leagues and it won't be the same! I want to just want to skate and for it to stay the same now that I've finally gotten some of my courage out of hiding and am starting to know the women I'm skating with. Life is never easy though, is it?

The good news is that it looks like I'll make the first practice of the new session. As soon as I get back home, I'm going to get my stuff together to mail off for the next season. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time but I don't want to give it up. I'm not absorbed into it as I was a year ago and I've not found someone I'd consider a derby wife, but I'm not giving up on the sport.