A matter of thrift

For those who don't know, roller derby is an expensive sport. There's all the required equipment which ranges from cheap to insanely expensive and it all eventually needs to be replaced as skating takes it's wear on it. On top of this are all the little things that you don't think of. In the past year, I've been through about 3 or 4 pairs of laces and I wasn't even skating full time. Tights get chewed up by the Velcro on your pads. Then there's the gas money to get to practice. Parking once you get there. If you happen to live in a cold place that insists on winter for longer than it should (such as here in Minnesota), then you find yourself paying money to go to a roller rink to still be skating. Nine dollars doesn't seem like a lot until you start adding them all up.

Some women insist on having everything new. If they aren't prepared for how much gear costs, even the average stuff isn't cheap, it can be sticker shock, especially if you buy it all at once. A lot of places online even have fresh meat packages to help lessen the blow to the wallet. Some things you shouldn't get used or at least not use for very long if they're used. Helmets and pads do eventually wear down and no longer protect. It's good for someone who isn't sure if they really want to do derby yet but want to try it out to see if they enjoy it. It's a huge invest just to find out that who don't have the drive to keep going at it.

I'm very lucky in this regard. I first heard about derby through friends of mine. I knew them through the local Renaissance festival and got to know them better by working at the festival for them. During the off-season, I helped making product and getting ready for other festivals. A lot of the talk centered around derby this and pivot that. This was a completely new language being spoken and I couldn't follow it for the life of me. After working 3 seasons at fest, Betty gave me tickets to come see a bout so I would understand. All of the women had been given tickets to give to someone who had never been to derby. I went, eventually, and I loved it. While having dinner sometime shortly after that, I mentioned that I might want to do derby. Before you could say "go to the box", I was being handed a pair of skates and a bunch of old pads.

I wouldn't get around to using any of it for about 9 months as I was too afraid to go by myself and busy schedules kept Betty and I from meeting up. But I had gear for free. When I did finally start skating, I did have to use rental skates as the skates I'd been given were too good (and they had really really crappy bearings in the wheels) though I did eventually get to those skates. I slowly bought new things as I needed them. First bearings (I was given a set of nicer wheels) and then better pads. Eventually another pair of wheels and my own helmet.

I would eventually learn that the skates were actually too big though I didn't know that. They fit in the same way my tennis shoes fit but it turns out that you want skates to be tight like a glove. Luckily for me, another woman who was trying out with me happened to have an extra pair of skates which she wanted to sell. We met up and they fit like a glove. For the bargain price of $40, I had a "new" pair of skates.

That was last June. I've since gotten a new set of plates for free for those skates. They were a step up but still holding me back. I was going to invest some money and get a step up in plates. Still not the best plates but better than what I had. When I went into the local shop I prefer (there's nothing wrong with the other one but it's connected to a tattoo parlor and the muted sounds of the needles cause me to go light headed), I was told that I was getting even better plates for less. The woman who had sold me the skates was getting new plates onto her current skates and was going to sell the old plates. So now I'm getting a huge step up for, yet again, $40.

As I chatted with the guy who works there (another good friend who has done some work on my skates for free or for hugs) commented that it's crazy where you can find "old" skating stuff and that this woman spent a lot of time on ebay. I don't have the patience or attention span for ebay but I did wonder about craigslist. I found a couple of listings, including skates that someone had bought last year, tried out in and didn't make it and never had the time over the last year to get better. So they were selling them for $90, a pair of skates that normally runs about $145.

I've been lucky to know people who have heaped help onto me without having to do much research. I do know that it is possible, with a little bit of effort, to find great deals. There are various other derby sites and blogs that offer links to second hand derby sites and groups. I'm currently too lazy to go look them up but it's awesome to know that the community understands the price of gear and is willing to help people out so they don't have to dump a ton of money into something that they don't end up loving. If they do end up loving it, then they start to buy new and better equipment, keeping that old stuff around for the next generation of skaters. I'm sure my current stuff will eventually become loaner gear to someone else. That first pair of good wheels I got have been loaned out in fact. This not only saves another woman from forking out money for (in this case wheels) gear that she might not end up liking, but it helps foster a sense of community.

Who knew that bargain hunting could lead to a great sense of community?

Rock kicking and team mates

One of the ways I get frustration out of my system, especially in the past, is to kick something. Kicking rocks is a useful way to get frustration out since, when done correctly, nothing gets hurt. Kicking walls usually leaves holes and kicking animals in right out. Growing up in the mountains meant I had no shortage of rocks to kick.

Yesterday, I wanted to kick some rocks.

Going into practice, I was frustrated. Work had kept me busy so I hadn't had much time on my skates. The weather has been crazy and unpredictable so I wasn't able to go outside either. I knew going into it that it was going to be a tough day. Maybe if I'd thought about it differently, it wouldn't have been so tough but I think I needed it to be hard.

Practice was held in a different location than normal. There's been at least one other practice in this location, which I only got to witness as I got to practice too late for it to be worthwhile to gear up. We started with 10 laps around the "track" (it's an arena's concourse). Since my toe stops kept falling out I had one of the coaches come take a look at them and then adjusted them. This made me one of the latest girls out there doing my laps. During the laps, my feet were adjusting to the new arch supports. They suck but they're also awesome. My knees weren't hitting each other nearly as much as they have in the past. Other skaters were cheering me on as they passed me and I managed to get them done not too far behind everyone else.

We then broke into groups from least to most comfortable/experienced. My group,the least comfortable was mostly girls from my group level. However, we also had some more experienced girls who were getting back onto skates after injury. Our first station was working on footwork and weaving. Both of these are really hard for me. As I didn't know what we were doing the entire time, I hadn't brought my basketball over to the group. Why a basketball? One of the coaches recommended using one between my legs during fast feet drills to help strengthen the hip muscles so that other agility work is easier. The concern was speed over form and it wasn't too bad. It was also refreshing to see that I wasn't the only one who has trouble with this area still.

Then came the weaving. I dread weaving. I understand it mentally but my muscle memory is wrong. When learning how to skate, I had a lot of trouble with cross overs. I still have some trouble but that's less to do with my body and more to do with my head. So to psyche myself out, I would skate through corners by bringing my outside leg in front of my inside one without picking up. This has apparently developed the habit of skating turns with the outside leg in front. As I worked through the drill, I became more and more frustrated. I fall a lot. I always have. Eventually I imagine I won't fall nearly as much but I'd been told in the past that because of this, I wasn't athletic enough to do derby. So as I'm falling, my brain is pulling out those voices and I was already feeling unsure about myself and where I'll go in derby from feeling like an outsider. The coach pulled me over to look at my trucks. He pointed out that they were probably still a little too loose and that I needed better plates. These plates are definitely a step up from my last ones but I need to get better. My frustrations had nothing to do with myself but with my plates binding up when I was turning. It was the equipment and not me that was holding me back. Feeling a little better, work in that area ended and we moved onto the next one.

Here the coach is also a good friend which means I sometimes get extra attention. I'm sure it's a hard balance so I try not to be too much of a hog of her time but I love getting feedback from her. She was having us work on stops. Snowplough stops I have down pretty good. I still can't stop at the same speed I skate but I can stop reliably with them. T-stops mock me. It seems that almost every time we work on them, I've forgotten how to do them. Then, when I'm on my own and working on them, I get them. I started to get frustrated again. Really frustrated. The third stop, turning around and onto toe stops, is difficult to say the least. Before yesterday, I hadn't actually worked on them since tryouts last summer. I've watched other people do them but just don't have the knack. And then the falling started, though it probably started before that stop. I hit a point of frustration where tears started to stream down my face. The coach told me to grab some water and that it would be okay. At this point, a couple of girls asked if I was hurt and I explained that I was frustrated and that I wanted to go kick a rock. They understood. All of them understood and as I started to cry harder, out of pure frustration, a couple of the girls gave me hugs and told me that I was doing well. One last time through and then onto the last station.

The last station was sticky skating and gaining speed while doing so. I can do sticky skating but I have a hard time gaining speed while doing so. This was a hard station. Every break found me on the ground, panting and trying to stretch out as best I could. Yet it seemed that I was starting to connect with some of the other girls. I wasn't the last one looking for a group, feeling left out and awkward. When we did an exercise with partners, I had one without having to feel awkward.

The best part was, after a bit of core and stretching, having other girls find me to tell me how much they'd seen me improve. It's one of the first times that I really felt like I belonged. I don't expect to like or be liked by everyone but I want to feel like a part of the group. I started to feel as though I belonged. I know it's mostly in my head but having others welcome me and give me good comments helped my head be less of a mess.

The biggest thing I learned from practice was to not focus on the negative things, the things that sucked but to find one or two good things that went well. So the positive things. In the third station, we started with shopping carts with three of us. The back person had to push the other two. I was the second one to push and I got us some speed, which was really cool. The other two girls even commented on it, making me feel really good and pushing harder. The other thing was learning that it's my gear is causing a lot of my frustration. That's an easy thing to fix. One of the coaches even offered to go to one of the local derby stores with me to get a better plate. He's also willing to lend me some different wheels to try out to see if that helps me as well. My current wheels, Poisons, are really grippy and are getting in my way at our normal practice space. I'd originally bought them for the last group I was in as we were skating on untreated concrete. Now, on a different surface, they're just too grippy. I'm hoping to get it taken care of sooner rather than later. Maybe I'll make a trip tomorrow or Thursday as my time allows.

Looking the part

Back in middle school, I was made fun of and despised. I know I'm not the only person who experienced this but I'm probably one of the few who just started to not care. I didn't care what people thought about how I dressed because it didn't matter. They'd make fun of me and mock me regardless of what I wore or how I acted so I just did my own thing. This has continued on to adulthood. I've got a certain je ne sais quoi. I don't obsess over how I look. I don't do make-up and I frequently look like a closet has thrown up. For the most part, I don't care. I'm comfortable with who I am. Yet, now, doing derby, I've found that I care.

Earlier this week I was happened upon some old photos from last summer's clinics and tryouts and I feel ashamed and embarrassed of how I look. I don't blend in. I stand out but not in a good way. More in an awkward duckling sort of way, at least in my own mind that's how it looks.

I look...unique. I'm my own sort of person and I've had people tell me that they are envious that I'm okay not conforming to other people's standards. What they don't see is the battle going on in my head. Part of me would love to fit it. To have that sense of fashion which I seem to be missing. It's superficial but I almost feel like that if I was able to look like the other girls that I wouldn't feel like an outcast among them. I know I'm probably not the only one. Everyone feels a bit self-conscious and worried about fitting in but most people are able to hide it. I've been told that it doesn't show on me and that it's my own perception, which I know is the case.

Part of my issue is that some of my friends started doing the rec league in the first session and I didn't. So I feel like I'm not part of the click that formed during that first session, that I'm an outsider. Among the new girls, I feel like an outcast as well as I had to miss the first practice due to work. I'm extremely shy and fear being rejected so I don't put myself out there. I'm feeling myself up against a wall that I can't get through yet. I want to get better but I'm stuck.

Derby and I have this weird relationship. I want to do it but I'm terrified of doing it. My confidence hasn't recovered from last fall when I was told I was too old and not athletic enough to do derby. Those words are still there, whispering in my ears that I'm just not good enough. One can tune out the voices most of the time but it's going to take actually being able to do it to get rid of the voices. I know that my age isn't a limiting factor but I know that I'm not athletic. Or rather, that I've not been athletic in the past. I know the future can change but I know where I've been. My attention span is also split. I barely went to any bouts this season. In fact, I've gone to two. This has largely been due to work events that I had to work but also because I've been afraid. Afraid of getting sucked in again.

More than looking the part, which anyone can do, I want to feel the part. I want to be confident on my skates and be a part of the group. But I'm not ready to give my soul to it again. Not yet.

When does it all get better?

I believe I have mentioned before, but I'm not the athletic sort. I never really have been. In elementary school, I hated gym because no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't good at it. Except somersaults and "egg rolls", everything else was a challenge. Decades later, I think I can say in good authority that I simply didn't understand how to get my body to do what it was suppose to do and I also didn't feel comfortable with my body or being in my body but that's neither here nor there. In middle school I disliked gym because it required me to be physical and I was awkward and not very coordinated. Also, the popular kids, who all hated me (most of the kids did for some reason still unknown to me) liked gym, so I shouldn't like it. When I got into high school, I declared that marching band was my sport and left it at that. In college, there was no gym requirement to fill so I mostly ignored being active. My work study kept me fairly active and friends got me to go rock climbing a few times. It was my senior year that I decided to take karate with a room mate, which I thoroughly enjoyed even as I struggled with other things. That summer I marched with a drum corps which is both an amazing experience and hell. I don't recall ever not hurting that summer. My shoulders were always tight and sore from holding up a baritone bugle. I don't think I managed a real push-up all summer and actually probably still owe some for mistakes I made but didn't have time to do push-ups when they occurred. We ran, a lot. We did breathing blocks which were pure hell. One of the drummers would keep time, usually fast, and we'd run in time while doing breathing exercises. In for four, hold for four, out in four. In for eight, hold for eight, out in eight. I *hated* running block as was usually the slowest but I loved doing drum corps.

So what does this have to do with derby you may ask? Quite a lot actually. Derby isn't quite as hellish as drum corps. During the summer, we were drum corps all the time. Twelve hour days (or more depending on several things) filled with music rehearsal and drill practice. Doing derby, we at least get to go home and have other distractions. Yet my mind has started to find other opportunities to work out.

Now, weeks later, I'm still hurting. I don't seem to not hurt these days. I even take breaks from my dry land work-outs but everything still hurts. Instead of bending at the waist to take off my shoes, I'm going into a squat and then taking off my shoes. The last practice I was able to make (work has kept me away for the last two), I hurt right at the beginning. I wasn't at all surprised knowing everything I had done during the week and how I've really started to become aware of my core but it was frustrating. Not because it hurt but because it felt as though I hadn't improved. In fact, it felt like I was doing worse because of how much everything hurt.

I then worked a very busy week and a half that left no time to go skating. Now that the weather has finally cleared up, I'll at least be able to go outside and skate but when you're dependent on going to a rink, it sucks to work in the evenings. I finally had a chance to go skating, with new inserts, and it all hurt. It seems as though all of this dry land and core work that I'm doing is just causing skating to become harder. I realize that part of this is probably due to being just stressed and exhausted from work and part of it is because my body is building muscles thanks to my pushing it so much but the question still remains. When will it stop hurting and when does it get better?

I try to be supportive of my fellow skaters but I'll be honest right now. I'm frustrated. I feel as though I've hit a plateau. I understand that when I do a single knee fall that I want to use the momentum to get up before I stop moving; that I should be thinking of getting up before I've even hit the ground but my body isn't responding. Every time we've run this drill and others, I feel as though I'm skating through molasses. No matter how quickly I think about what it is that I'm going to do, my body seems to have checked out, telling me that it's had enough of the hurting at that it just needs a break. Yet, and I know from this last fall, taking a break means losing all of the muscle that I've been building up. So where is the compromise?

I don't know. I'm hoping that if I keep working and continue to work on things on and off skates that I'll get better. But right now I'm frustrated. I've yet to go to a clinic hosted by either local league because right now I don't even want to think about trying out. I know a lot of the issue comes from not being at every practice but I work in a job that doesn't let me. That's life. If I really want derby to become the number one thing in my life, then I need to find a different field to work in but I *love* the field I work in so that's not likely to happen. My boss has been amazingly understanding with working on my schedule but there are just some events I can not miss. But it's frustrating to feel left behind as everyone else gets better. I know it's not about comparing myself to anyone but myself but in this society, I don't think that's actually possible. We're always competing. I want to get better and I'm trying and I know that everyone is supportive of me and encouraging but I also want to have my temper tantrum and throw things as I get stuck. Because really, I may appear to be a mature and bright woman but sometimes I get stuck and don't know how to get better. I'm hitting a wall and I know I'll eventually get through it, as I have before with skating and other things (including drum corps) but right now I'm frustrated. I feel left out and stuck in a place where I can't get better. And the "funny" thing? No one can fix either of these but myself. No matter how supportive the other girls are or how knowledgeable the trainers are, I'm the only one who can make myself continue to get up every time I fall.

So I keep getting back up, even if it takes a few moments longer than it would take everyone else, I'm still going. Some of the falls have been really hard (my undocumented-on-here-fall-drama) and took longer to catch my breath and to get my skates back under me but I keep getting back up because damn it, I will succeed. If I can march a season of drum corps on a completely new instrument, then I can do derby. If I can work everyday of a seven weekend run of a renaissance festival for 10 hours a day while in full wench garb, I can do derby. If I can work and succeed in a field dominated by men, many of whom feel the need to mock and look down on women, then I can do derby. If I can leave a relationship that is falling apart and prevent it from becoming abusive, I can do derby. And hopefully, as I'm doing derby, it will all get better.