Weaknesses and Strengths

At practice yesterday, Hanna showed us one of her weaknesses and followed it by telling us some strengths. She then pointed out how we all have strengths and weaknesses, using me as an example. As a group, we took a moment to mention a weakness and then a strength. After an injury with the contact ready group, they came over and joined us. Everyone could easily and quickly come up with a weakness and almost everyone struggled with a strength.One skater had to be told to find a strength without qualifying it. We all could see the strengths in others than in ourselves. It was comforting to hear some of the skaters that I look up to saying their weaknesses because it means that we will always have our weaknesses no matter how awesome others think we are on our skates.

At the end of the last session, I know I had to be told my strengths because I was so focused on what I couldn't do yet and what I needed to work on that I didn't take the time to celebrate the small strengths that I was developing. So I've decided to make two lists. First, my weaknesses, areas that I want to improve on. It's more of a goal list in some ways. Second, my strengths. All of them and as I get new ones, I'm going to come back here and update them (or maybe make another post, I don't know. It makes more sense to just have it all in one place though).

Weaknesses or Things I'm Struggling With or Things I Can't Do Yet

• Tomahawk stops
• Stopping fast
• Leaning too far forward
• Thinking too hard
• Psyching myself out
• Transitions
• Duck walk sprints
• Hockey stop
• Consistently staying up
• Endurance
• Knee taps
• Upper body strength

Strengths or Things That I Know I've Gotten Better At or Things That I'm Proud Of

• T-Stops (these took forever!)
• Cone Weaving
• Falling and Getting Back Up
• Pushing Myself
• Toe stop starts
• Not Throwing Up Even When I've Felt Like It and Still Pushing Hard
• Crossovers
• Speed
• Endurance
• Lifting up my front wheels while skating
• Single knee turn stops
• Trying the new Scary Thing
• Skating on one leg
• Not caring how stupid I look
• Transitions

You may notice that I've put things on both lists. It's because while I still struggle with them, I know how much I've improved on them and how proud I am of those improvements. It's all about the small steps. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in derby is to celebrate the small victories. When I started to learn transitions, I couldn't even do them standing still. Learning how to move my body to face the other way while standing still meant I could learn how to do it while moving slowly. I'm building a beautiful mosaic out of seed beads or grains of sand that will look amazing when it's completed. Right now, it kind of looks funny and a bit awkward at times but knowing that I've placed a bead and that it's in the right place is a huge deal. I'm starting to see the outline and I know the potential of what I'm doing. It doesn't matter that it's not perfect yet. So long as I don't get cocky and think I know everything and am okay with looking stupid (Tiki told us that we all look stupid because we're learning and that it's better to look stupid and try than to be worried about not looking stupid and not try), I will continue to celebrate the small victories and strengths that I gain.

Being an Example

Yesterday was my last practice for this session. There's one more but I will be working. It was an amazing session. In fact, so amazing that I need to write two posts to separate all the awesomeness.

It's fun watching our coaches learn new things. Since there weren't a lot of us at practice, we did some footwork drills as a group. This was after warm-ups (including the awesome and yet terrifying hand-slapping drill) which was when I got hurt at the last practice I was able to make so the fact that I made it past them had me a little giddy. One of the things I'm learning about derby is learning how my body works and where I am on my skates. It seems like it took forever to figure out how to be balanced and skate forward (and then backwards) on my 8 wheels. Well yesterday, we were learning how it felt to not be on all 8 wheels. Since derby is a contact sport, it is a given that you won't always be happily skating along on all your wheels. So we started simple. Go down on one leg and then the other. Then put all your weight on your left leg and tap your right toes up and down followed by doing the other side. Things got more intense as we went along. All your weight on your left leg and put down the front wheels of your right skate and so on. The most amazing part was when we all were skating back and forth on just our front wheels and then we did the same thing on just our back wheels. I know I didn't make the whole length but I was able to get my heels up and skate forward without dying. It was during this time that Tiki, one of the coaches, discovered that it's actually easier to make a transition if you stay on your front wheels and lift up your heels. We were asked if we wanted to try it (of course!) and were told to do it without thinking too hard as thinking is what would screw us up. You know what? It worked! Transitions, something I've struggled with for ages, suddenly happened! It was an easy step from weaving while on my front wheels to just turning around to go backwards. It was awesome to see our coaches figuring it out and then getting excited to learn something new. Tiki even commented that she wished she'd learned how to do that 6 years ago when she first learned how to skate.

At this point we split into our groups to work on different things. I had hoped to make it up to the blue group this session but I'm still in pink and you know what? That's okay. I can tell that I'm getting even closer. My ankles and core are feeling stronger and I think I'm falling less. I'm still learning so much. We continued to work on skating on 4 wheels instead of 8, including one foot weaving. Back in July, I tried to do one foot weaving and I couldn't. Yesterday, I was able to do it and it was awesome. Since all of us in pink (there weren't many of us) were doing really well with one foot weaving, Hanna said we should try one foot transitions. She went to show us, warning us that this was a weakness of hers, and totally biffed it. It was comforting to all of us to realize that even those who have been skating for years still struggle with things and that this is okay.

When practice was mostly over (the scrimmage girls were scrimmaging but I needed to take off), I went up to both Hanna and Tiki to thank them for the Debs. This group is amazing. The counseling and other mental health stuff I've done has helped me be ready for derby but derby gave me a new attitude on life. My self-confidence has sky-rocketed and I'm more willing to stand firm instead of apologizing constantly. I don't feel nearly as shy with the other skaters as I did in the past either. Tiki, concerned that I wasn't coming back, made sure to ask that I was coming back. Of course I am! But I wanted to let them know how much this has meant to me. At that point, Hanna said that this was part of the reason why she uses me as an example so often and she hoped that this was okay.

I like being an example for other women. This hasn't been an easy sport. Last session, there were times that I was so discouraged that I did want to quit. Having Hanna and others continue to encourage me helped me more than I can express especially since I was not only struggling with the physical side of the sport but the emotional side as well. At the awards banquet last year, I remember saying how I knew what my weaknesses were but how I didn't think I had any strengths. I spent most of that event separated from other people. A couple of months later, I was Betty's date to the MNRG draft party and saw Hanna there. When I went over to talk with her, she commented on how much more social I was being and how excited she was for me. This was in part because of a talk she and I had in which I learned about how many other skaters felt *exactly* the same way that I did. So I started to reach out and to get to know my fellow skaters.

During this session, there have been several times when things have been physically hard and I've been used an example of how pushing hard does make you stronger. A lot of these new skaters to the group didn't see me at my worst but they have seen how far I've come since they first met me. Having new boots does help but more importantly is the fact that I don't give up. The harder I fall in love with derby, the stronger my desire is to get better at it. Every practice, I put it all out there. If I don't walk away wanting a nap and feeling beat, I've not done it right and I think the only times that happened this session was when my boot failed on me and when I got injured. It's humbling to have had other skaters tell me how much they look up to me and want to push themselves as hard as I do which is part of the reason that I don't mind being an example. It's humbling but I know how much they'll improve if they push as hard. And I know how much my life has improved because of how hard I push myself.

Yesterday was a hard day because I'd learned that a beautiful young woman had passed away at 18. I never actually met her but I saw her in passing many times this fall at the Renaissance Festival. She was so graceful and charming that you would never have guessed that she was in the final stages of cancer. I went into practice feeling sad but had decided that I'd dedicate my practice to her memory so every time I fell, I got back up because I knew the things that she'd gone through and still managed to smile. She was my example. I'm not nearly as graceful on skates but I will continue to get up every time I fall down. It's the getting back up that makes me stronger.

Getting back on the figurative horse

The last couple of weeks have been rather busy for me. Work and personal life have been eating up quite a lot of time. Then there's the derby stuff. Many of my fellow skaters are getting injured or having to leave the league for various reasons. As I've written before, that's been hard for me. It's also been hard not having (or making) the time to go skating.

Part of the reason I've not made more time is that there's a part of me that's a little scared. I didn't get hurt badly when I took my fall at the beginning of November but it still hurt. The worst part is that I know *exactly* what I was doing at the moment I fell. Transitions.

There's a history there with my learning how to do a forwards to backwards transition. I think too much and my hips don't open up wide enough. I also over think it. This is a constant problem in my life and especially in my skating. I think too hard and then I doubt and then I fall.

Since my injury, I've gone skating but I've been very, very reluctant to do transitions, which of course means that I've been making myself do them.

When I was growing up, my mom tried to get me into horse back riding as that was something she had really enjoyed as a kid. She'd even gone on to raise her own horses. The horse that she wanted me to ride, Spot, was very stubborn and very smart. Spot knew that if she scared me or didn't do what I wanted, that I'd get frustrated and not try to ride her again. Guess what happened? Exactly what the horse thought would happen.

 There's the saying of you have to get back on the horse after it bucks you off but sometimes, it really hurts. I eventually got back onto a horse though it took several years and I was usually anxious the entire time up to getting on the horse. I don't want to take years getting back to working on transitions so I've decided to pick myself up and get back at it even though this is how I gave myself whiplash.

I've slowly been working back up to being confident about transitions. That's the major thing. I'm not confident about them when I'm skating in a circle. If I'm over to a side and just going back and forth, I'm okay but as soon as I get on the big floor, I doubt myself.

Saturday morning, I went skating with my Sweetie. We missed the lessons but one of the instructors happened to be there. He came over and chatted with me and I used it as a chance to work on my transitions. Sometimes it simply takes hearing the same thing in several different ways. He watched me and pointed out some things I already knew I was (or in most cases, wasn't) doing. Stay low. Keep the back straight. Don't lean forward. Then he did something that really surprised me. He had me take his hands and lightly press down, as though I was holding onto a table. After he let go, I kept my hands in that position and he had me turn around. I could do it! It turns out that as I was turning, the outside shoulder (example: if I'm turning to the right, then it's my left shoulder) would start to turn in the correct direction and then would pull back, causing me to fall into a pile of Ferret.

I went back and forth in the center for the rink quite a few times to get it down. Tuesday night, we went skating again. Once again, I was horribly nervous and was over thinking it on the floor so I took myself to the "kiddie pool" (a small practice area off to the side) and did a couple of transitions. Then, even though I knew I'd look like a dork, I skated out to the center and, raising my arms up almost like a ballerina, I started doing transitions.

They still need to be faster but they are happening now. Two of my derby friends were there and got just as excited as I did when I did it without falling. Now the real key is to remember that confidence I found and to keep it up. It's all baby steps but if I hadn't decided to get back up on my "horse", I wouldn't have improved. That is the most amazing thing about skating. Every time I skate, something gets better, even on my really hard days.

Following the Path

Saying good-bye, why is it sad? Makes us remember the good times we had.

Saying Good-bye from The Muppets Take Manhattan

The lyric from above always gets me teary-eyed. I don't like saying good-bye. I'm not good with change. I know that change is good but I don't do well with it.

Today, my friend, who actually got me to put on skates (and has supported me amazingly), is leaving our rec league. I know it wasn't an easy decision and I understand why she did it but I'm very weepy about it. I can accept reality but I don't have to like it and that's very much where I am today. Acceptance isn't the problem, it's the moving forward part that sucks.

I haven't always been a good friend to her either. When I had my derby break-up, I became a complete Douche Bag. She'd ask if I wanted to see her new plates and I'd just sort of shrug and say "whatever." The problem with being a DB is that you don't realize it until after the fact and the damage has been done. Yet, despite my pity parties and general dislike of anything involving roller derby, she stuck by me. One day, after not enough sleep, she got me to go skating that evening. If she hadn't, I wouldn't have remembered how much I love skating. When the rec league was talking about registration for the spring session, she stayed on my case until I agreed and she took my stuff in since I had to work that day. When it finally hit me how big of a jerk-face I'd been, she told me it was okay, she'd forgiven me and gotten over it and that I should do the same. 

She isn't the first one to leave the league. Some have made it into one of the local competitive leagues. Others have moved out of the state. Yet others have been injured or haven't had the time to do it. One of my dearest friends, Betty LaRude, spent a lot of time talking to me about derby. It helps that she introduced me to it. This past June, after our awards ceremony, I drove Betty home. Drunk Betty is awesome because she can articulate things that Sober Better can't. She talked about how much stronger and more confident women become after doing derby but that everyone's journey is different and that we have to respect that path. 

It's a difficult task to know that you walk a path that is similar and yet so different from every other woman (and man) who plays the sport. My friend and I talked about how awesome it would be when we were doing contact stuff and scrimmaging. It was my goal to make it to the contact ready group this session. Alas, work is going to keep me from attaining that goal as I won't be at two back to back practices in order to move up. I'll still be skating and the local men's league allows all skaters to come to their practices so I'll be getting derby practice but I won't be with my league. 

Sometimes I wish I could get off of the path I'm on and go back to where our paths were still together. I don't regret the choices I made but I do wish I'd taken a different path. Yet, I know I would have made the same decisions because of the other circumstances in my life.

I know that it isn't really good-bye. It's more of a "see you at the track" but it's still sad. I hope she continues to blog so I can hear about her journey but I wish I could still be on the path with her. She's definitely become one of my heroes for many reasons. 

As two strangers brought together by a common interest, we've become roller skaters and involved in derby. It was an unlikely story and duo (I'm a Gemini and she's an Ares for those of you who are into that; funny, isn't it?) but it's been awesome. I know that we'll get a chance someday to scrimmage and I hope it's a mixer where we're on the same team. Keep skating and putting your heart into it.

<3

(Note: Yes, I know that some people who read this will know who I mean but I respect her privacy and really, this is about me dealing with my feelings on the matter. I'm much more public. Also, it's specific to her but applies to derby and life in general. We will all lose other skaters, friends and family over time and it's never easy. Loss is always hard and generally emotional. I share my loss so others may recognize their own.)

There's a first for everything

Today was one of the most frustrating practices ever for me. I've pulled things and pushed muscles to fatigue. There have been bruises and self-medicating of ice and ibuprofen. Yet, I'd never been injured while on the track. I guess there's a first for everything.

First of all, I'm mostly okay. I'm a little battered and I'm going to stop putting off seeing my chiropractor until "later". Most importantly I didn't break anything except maybe my pride. There were no trips to the hospital and no more than ice and ibuprofen. I just ended up sitting out for half of practice.

We started with dry land which, even though it's really hard and I have to keep thinking of something else so my brain doesn't psych me out, I actually enjoy. It's becoming easier to see the importance of dry land. My body is feeling stronger every time we do it and skating is becoming easier. It still wears me out but that means I'm trying hard enough.

After dry land, we got into our gear. I'm proud to say that I can get into gear rather quickly. This is probably from years of always running behind when trying to get somewhere. I've learned how to do things correctly in a short amount of time. We were going to be doing the same sort of skating warm-up we did the week before. I was both excited and dreading it. My inner right thigh felt tight and I was tired from the dry land but I wasn't going to give up. We started skating at 60% and then going into a snowplow when the whistle blew. Once everyone had stopped, we'd sprint back up to going 60%.

Once we'd completed doing that few times, our coach had us skating and then turning around on a whistle and skating backwards. On the next whistle, we'd turn back around and skate forwards again. Going from back to front is fairly easy for me. Going from front to back has become some sort of warfare with myself. I hear the whistle and try to immediately turn around, only to fall down as I'm going faster than I can actually go while turning around. I end up thinking too hard and panicking because I want to do it with everyone else. It was easy to realize what I was doing. So the next time we were to turn around, I thought "step, step, step" to ready myself for the 3 point turn around. I nearly got it. The next time, it got me.

I had taken the first step and was in the middle of the second one when things suddenly changed very quickly. I'm almost positive that the problem was that I had shifted my weight too far back and lost my balance. I blame this on thinking. I was thinking too hard instead of actively engaging my core. As I was in the midst of turning and leaning backwards,  I fell on my backside. Specifically, I hit my right hip/cheek area full force. Somehow I managed to roll onto my left side and I know that my right wrist also made contact with the ground. In those few seconds, I felt a huge jolt race up my spine. As I was there on the ground, I realized I was in too much pain to get back up. Part of me wishes there had been a camera there so I could have seen what happened.

So there I am, sort of kneeling but mostly leaning on my left side with my face down feeling like I've got whiplash. I'm actively crying, not just tears of pain but crying because it really, really hurt. My neck was in intense pain. I refused to move or look up, though I was able to recognize people by skates and voices. I know enough that moving someone with a head or neck injury can be really dangerous and I didn't know what damage I'd done. It felt like I'd just sent a jolt through my system but I don't have any medical training so I wasn't sure. I do remember hearing everyone stop skating as I was down on the ground.

Our main practice area is in basically an arena space. There's a black curtain that comes down during shows and bouts that hides the backstage area which also has a full size track. During practice, the curtain is raised and will do group laps on the outside of both tracks. This makes sense in my head because I skate it all the time. I mention it because our coach who was running warm-ups (Tiki) had everyone move to the front track only to complete warm-ups.

While everyone else got to skate, I was helped onto my back and my neck was checked out. I was asked what happened and I seem to remember saying that I fell on my ass a lot. This was really funny to me for some reason. Probably trying to distract myself from the pain and the worry that I'd done some serious damage. I had almost full range of motion in my neck and no numbness. My skates were taken off for me and ice was given to me. I was then helped over to where our gear bags were and got to fill out an accident report.

In my job, sometimes performers, patrons or workers (in that order) get hurt. When they do, and I'm the one in charge, I get to fill out the accident report. Today is the first time that someone filled it out for me. Sure, nurses or intake people have filled them out for me before but this was different. This was while still at the scene of the "crime". While copies were being made (it's never safe to use the last accident report; that's just begging for more people to get hurt), lots of people checked in with me to see if I was okay. I was embarrassed and frustrated. We'd only just gotten on skates. One of the other skaters told me that she understood and said at least I didn't break myself. She's just gotten back to scrimmaging after breaking herself. Once the sheet was filled out, I was told that I didn't have to stay as the person filling out knew I'd rather be on skates but that I was more than welcome to watch. I decided to stay and watch my group work on things.

I learned a lot.

I learned that none of us really know what we look like when we skate. I saw fellow skaters bobbing up and down when they probably thought they weren't. There were skaters who needed stiffer arms while doing shopping carts. And nearly everyone could have bent their knees more.

I learned that it's hard to sit and just watch. It doesn't matter how hard the drill is, everyone would rather be skating than injured. Everyone cheered when I came over and sat with them but I was sad that I couldn't be skating with them. It was hard knowing that they were getting stronger while I was forced to sit on the side.

I learned that I'm getting much better about how I'm taking things. One of my friends told me, very excitedly, that she had been asked if she felt comfortable enough to move up to the contact group. In the past, I would have been sad right away and I was a bit sad mostly because I know how many practices I can make of what we have left and I know it's unrealistic to make it to that group myself this session. The biggest difference is that I wouldn't have been as supportive as I was today. I'd have pouted and been focused on myself instead of their good news. I'm glad I'm not where I was emotionally a year ago. This is such a better place.

So a lot of ice and ibuprofen later, I'm writing this all down. Not because I'll forget this injury but because it's important to me to remember how I'm feeling emotionally (I'm working on not being hard on myself; I've done worse to my neck in my sleep) and the huge amount of support I got from my team mates. I don't know if they realize how much it means to have them concerned for me. The coaches checking in and my team mates being so concerned once again reminded me of how special this sport is and how lucky I am to be involved in it. It's a competitive sport but there's so much support for each other. This is yet another reason why I'm so happy to have discovered and be involved with roller derby.

Fatigue

Je suis fatigué. I am tired. There have been a lot of things going on in my life besides derby and as a result, this blog has gotten sorely abandoned. It wasn't intentional but there are only so many things I can do in any given amount of time and I always seem to have less time. At least one person has gently reminded me that I need to start writing again especially because of all the awesome (and not so awesome) things that have happened to me this session.

Not so Awesome

At our second on skates practice (3rd overall practice), my skates failed. Epically. The boot completely fell apart from the sole, which I was expecting to happen but had been hoping to nurse it along one more week. It didn't happen. I didn't even make it through that practice. It was that epic. We were doing testing to see where we were all going to be placed. I got through one and half of the stations, which was frustrating. I was really looking forward to really pushing myself and seeing where I was and instead, I got an incomplete picture that day. Both work and the Renaissance festival have prevented me from going to a couple of practices. It's hard to justify not being at work for derby because I love my job and sometimes there are shows that only I can work. No really, there are some shows that I have to work regardless of my feelings for the show because I'm good at what I do and I'm the most capable to do it. We also have one group that performers that I always work and I love working with them. It's a local orchestra who are amazing to listen to and fantastic people. They only time I missed a show, I'd already put in over 40 hours for a different group and couldn't do an additional 6 hours that week. Due to some choices I've made in my life, there have been some interpersonal relationships that have gotten strained. Details aren't needed but it does make for one awkward feeling Ferret.  

Awesome Things Not on Skates

Last session, I was horribly timid. I didn't really interact with the other skaters because I was shy and afraid of being judged. Middle school is good at leaving emotional scars. After an awesome summer and getting some of my shit together, I've really come out of my shell this session. I've met up with some of the other women I skate with and have gotten to know them better. I feel that I'm better able to encourage them because I'm being less harsh on myself as well. Instead of feeling like I suck and I'm horrible and I'll never get it, I simply breathe and focus (but don't think) about what I'm working on. I'm hearing the things that the coaches and assistants are saying to me instead of getting caught up in a feedback loop of negativity. This has also helped me come out of my shell. One of the skaters was having a hard time with something (I think it was weaving though it may have been turning around...) and I gave them the advice that Wet Spot, our coach, had given me minutes before. After another pass on the skill, she skated over and told me that this was what she needed to hear to get it. Last session, I would have been afraid to speak up in case I offended someone. Sometimes you get too much advice or information and can overload (at least that happens to me).

With the Epic Boot Failure came the Awesome New Boot purchase. Roller Revolution had a pair of Vanilla Curves which I love and adore. I already have an awesome plate (Powerdyne Triton) so I only need the boot. The holes on the two plates didn't line up but a friend who works there was willing to drill new holes and attach my plate the harder (but longer lasting way). I am so in love with my skates. They fit and are much more stable than the old ones. I still skate the same way but the better gear has helped me to be able to do things instead of restricting me.

My mindset about myself has really changed. Last session, I wasn't an athlete who was trying to fall back in love with derby. This session, I'm an athlete (I called myself this and one of the coaches gave me a bit of teasing for ever claiming I wasn't an athlete) and a derby skater. I'm still learning the game but I am a roller girl. I lay it all out on the track and skate as hard as I can even when I don't feel like it. I've looked for other ways to condition me to be a better skater. I've cut way back on soda consumption, which has been a hard cycle to break. Instead of completely stopping, I'm simply cutting back. My diet has also become a lot leaner which actual food and less artificial junk. Even more awesome is the fact that I now wear size 14 jeans. Back in January, size 18 jeans were tight. I weighed myself the other morning and realized I was down to 200 pounds. Weight-loss without cup-loss is awesome.  

Awesome Things on Skates

This session has been all about pushing myself. I'm getting very close to being contact ready and I know what I need to work on. I can do 23 laps in 5 minutes (this is where I got the comment about having ever said I wasn't an athlete). The Women's Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA) requires a minimum of 25 laps in 5 minutes. I know I've got those last two laps as I did that without skating the diamond or doing as many crossovers as I can. The forwards to backwards transitions are slowly coming and I have to keep reminding myself to take things in baby steps. One day while doing cone weaving, Wet Spot had me run the drill slightly differently and then got very excited, telling me to skate like that forever. I'd describe it but I wasn't looking at myself. I just know how it feels. I still struggle with stopping but I'm getting a lot better. My endurance has definitely come a long ways from where it use to be.

All of these accomplishments are cool but there's something that's even cooler. I push myself. Hard.

Last practice, we were doing some endurance work (sprinting then stopping in different ways; skating and then turning around; sprinting then coasting and then squatting) after we'd already done some intense off skates work. I can skate for a long time. It's skating and then doing something else that hurts. I have problems with the tomahawk stop and fell a lot during that but I got up every time. During the squats, I actually collapsed a few times. My quads were shaking but I still got back up. It was hard. Blindingly hard. There were tears in my eyes as I struggled to get up but I got up every time. I could hear other skaters and the coaches giving me encouragement to keep going. As we split into our two groups, my group got a bit of a chewing out. Not just a bit. We as a group weren't trying hard enough and sitting out instead of trying even though it's scary. Hanna, another coach, was understandably angry but I was proud when she said that the only one who was really trying was me. I'm proud of how far I've gotten. My self-confidence is up a million percent from where I was back in January. To hear it and to be asked how my self-confidence was doing was great. It didn't matter that my muscles were shaking and everything hurt. I knew I was doing so much better. By the end of practice, I was in tears again and had a hard time staying up but the coaches were awesome and supportive. I learned a lot and realize how much in love I am with derby again.

Vast improvements

Last week, the fall Debs session started up. We met and went over paperwork and the by-laws as well as rule number one (don't be a douche). There was socializing and hanging out with people which was nice. I haven't seen most of these women since June.

Today we had our first on skates practice. I'll admit to being nervous about going back to derby practice. Skating by myself or in a group isn't that difficult because there's no one standing there yelling at me about what I'm doing wrong or telling me to push harder. It's also considered bad form to do derby drills at an open skate. I knew that some girls had been skating over the summer and others, like myself, hadn't had time to do such. There were also new girls, who were probably going to run the spectrum of ability.

Before going to practice, I pulled out my skates and put back on my indoor wheels. I adjusted my toe stops, which I've been meaning to do since about May, and put in new laces. I think I was nearly bouncing with excitement. I got there with enough time to get my gear on and skate around the concourse a few times. We have practice in two main places; the Roy, where the MNRG bouts are held, and the Xcel concourse. I like them both for different reasons. As I was skating around, I heard my name shouted out and looked over my shoulder to see one of the skaters trying to catch up with me. It greatly amused me that I was going so fast that someone had to catch up. This wasn't exactly new but it still felt awesome.

As practice started, we divided up into where we thought we should be placed. As much as I'd love to say I'm really comfortable in my skates and should be moved up, I know that I'm not. There are still things I struggle with but I'm not going to die on my skates. After doing a brief introduction (I did get a little bored and distracted towards the end of that; there are a lot of us!), our 4 groups set out to our various stations.

I'm happy to report that the coaches I did talk to were all very pleased with how much I've improved. I know that I feel so much more confident on my skates. Something recently has clicked that tells my brain that I AM a roller girl and can do this. It's really two things. One: out at ren fest, we've also had it somewhere that you can buy soap from a derby girl and that's never been me but this year I can say that! Two: all of us are being recognized as athletes in the by-laws. I've never considered myself an athlete but leading up to the start of practice, I've started to challenge myself with physical activities. I'm working on being able to do 100 push-ups in a row (eventually that'll even be 100 "real" push-ups and not just knee push-ups) and I've done some ceilidh dancing. I've invested in a jump rope to work on cardio and well, jumping.

Right now, I'm sore and I know that not only tomorrow but that the next day are going to be sore ones but I'm loving the fact that I got a hard work-out and that I'm getting to know my fellow skaters more. It fills me with all kinds of warm and squishy feelings.

Excuses, excuses, excuses

When it comes to making excuses, I may well be a goddess in the art. Oftentimes, in my own mind at least, I feel I'm simply trying to explain things to the people outside of my head. No, there aren't people inside of it but I'm not exactly normal when it comes to the hows and whys of doing things. I believe that this bad habit of excuses, since that's really what they are, goes back to my childhood. There was always some reason why I couldn't do something and I usually came up with a story to explain it. People listened to my stories and I think that simply encouraged me. I don't need to be encouraged.

A couple of weeks ago was my first time skating since June 7th. I know that I'm not the only one in my league to put of skating. It's sometimes hard to be motivated when there's no one there to remind you (usually through yelling) that you need to be skating more often. My excuse? I got really sick twice and was busy with work and travel. Add into this the weird and wet weather Minnesota has been having and there was always an excuse to not be skating.

True, there are times where I physically couldn't breathe, let alone skate but often I just decided that I'd simply use an excuse. So while out skating with a derby friend, she noticed that I was skating knock kneed. Again. As always. As I tried to correct it, it came out that I didn't have the additional arch supports in them. I started to explain (short version: there was an exploding cucumber) and realized that it was just another excuse. I believe I came to this realization as my friend was most likely rolling her eyes at me. Or telling me to stop making excuses. I honestly don't remember that detail anymore. What I do remember is that I make a lot of excuses. Some are valid (I can't skate today because I am working/on my death bed/made other commitments) but most of them are absolute crap (I can't do this because I suck/aren't athletic/clumsy/better at falling). I make excuses so I don't have to try as hard. It's yet another mental block that I'm working on conquering.

So far, I've stopped making excuses about dry land. I've never been good at running or push ups (I'm still not convinced that I do them *right*) and have always made excuses why. Blame it on middle school and high school (probably even back to elementary school) where the only way to be "good" was to overachieve and rock at sports which I never did. Hello Lack of Confidence. Glad to see you go.

What am I doing then that isn't an excuse? I own a jump rope now and have taken to jumping rope when I find myself standing around waiting for someone and in a place with a high (or no) ceiling. If I know I'm not going to just be standing around and I'm at work, I use part of my lunch break to spend a few minutes jumping rope. It's a lot harder than I remember and I can't quite do it for a minute yet but I am working up to it. I've also downloaded some apps onto my phone to work on push ups, sit ups and squats as well as having other ab workouts at my finger tips. I've done the second day of the push ups and the first day of the sit ups. Tomorrow I do the first day of the squats.

Now if I can just go to one of those trust camps with my body and teach myself that I can trust myself, I think this season of Debs will be awesome.

Derby Wife

I recently read the book, Going in Circles. I bought it (or it was bought for me; can't really remember anymore) shortly after it came out. One of my many bad habits is buying books and then not reading them for ages. I really like owning books though. This one I put off for many reasons, one of which has been my struggle getting back into derby. It's almost funny how quickly I fell in and out of love with the sport. I'm starting to fall back in love so on my recent trip home, I packed the book to take with me. It was a good read especially while sick but one thing really struck me to the core. The main character ends up with a derby wife.

This isn't just someone who introduces her to roller derby and helps motivate her through it. This is someone who helps her keep perspective on life and helps her push herself. They become inseparable on and off the track. I've watched a good friend of mine with her derby wife from even before I understood what a derby wife was. They are there for each other with derby and real life, helping with various things and just being there.

I almost had that once and I screwed up.

I got involved with derby with a friend. She and I for a while became almost inseparable. We got gear together and thought about our derby futures together. We were there for each other though she probably pushed me more than I pushed her. Then our paths split and I had my falling out with derby. And I watched her go on with derby and get better and I got bitter. And it hurt. I didn't want to talk about derby because I felt like a failure. I didn't think I was good enough and I did seriously think about never strapping on skates again. I felt I'd let everyone down, including myself, and I was too upset and hurt to skate.

It was during this time that I lost my almost derby wife. It's really my own fault. The worst part is that I didn't realize it right away. I was so heartsick and then life threw some nasty curves at me. She was the one who got me back on skates and got me to sign up for the Debs. And I started to actually retreat into myself. It was during this time that I started to wake up and realize that I'd done her a huge wrong. I've tried to write about it before but there aren't enough words to explain or to apologize. We've even talked about that and I know she's forgiven. We've even spent time together and I've sat there racking my brain, trying to figure out how to tell her what exactly she means to me and how much it means to me that she's not given up on me because frankly I'd expect most people to not be that patient with me. It's almost as though I'm 13 again and I'm trying to tell my crush how much I like them but words fail me and I just am there, trying to make up for being a crappy friend for so long.

So now, weeks after I first started thinking about how I almost had a derby wife, all I can do is write about it here. I see other girls I skate with declaring to be each others derby wife and part of me gets jealous. I don't know if I'll ever have a derby wife now as I had someone who even now acts the way that I imagine a derby wife would and all I was was someone too self-involved to help out a good friend. She knows who she is and she may get angry that I'm writing this but I don't know how else to tell her. I'm terrified of being rejected by her and I'm terrified of hearing the faults I know I have to be said back to me. Every time I've started, the words won't even leave my lips and it feels as though my throat is closing up with the realization that I could screw things up even more. So I sit back and try to be there and hope that maybe one day, I'll have a derby wife as awesome as she already is.

End of year and the emotions that follow

It's been quite a spring, strike that, summer so far. The summer started with the end of the Debu-Taunts season and a road trip.

You might have been able to tell that the last post was really emotional. This summer has been rather emotional for me. I've heard that derby does that to you but I've always been a bit (HUGE understatement that) emotional. I don't do well with people. Actually, I do well with people. I don't do well with women. Put me in a room of mixed company and I can hold my own. Stick me with a bunch of geeky guys and I'm right there with them. Surround me with women in my age range and I'm intimidated and worried that someone (if not all of them) are going to hate me. Yes, I know, irrational feelings but they are there and while I am actually working on them, some things tend to stay the same. I'm not really good at small talk and large amounts of people when I'm not in my element frighten me. Throw me in a corset at any renaissance festival or sci-fi con and I know what to do. Stick me in a room with people all dressed up and I tend to freak out, even if all of these people are involved in derby.

There were a lot of other things that led me to this heightened state. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my Gramps's death. I'd have loved to tell him that I was at an award's banquet for a sport. I'd never done that before. I know he'd be proud but it's something different to tell him. Add into this hormonal fun and stress in life as well as a very introvert boyfriend and I was fretting. A lot. I mean, I got there early because I didn't want to be late.

As we entered, there was a small crowd and people were all excited. The more excited they got, the more nervous I got. It wasn't about winning anything either. It was about feeling left out. I'd joined Debs in January and, due to work, had missed the first practice. I know I wasn't the only one who wasn't there from the beginning but I hate missing things. I want to be in the know though there usually has never been a know to be in.

My Gentleman and I ended up sitting at a table up front as the small tables didn't really allow for large crowds (neither did my dress really) mostly because I was afraid to join in on any group and I didn't want to throw G into anything that made him uncomfortable. The funny thing was that he did know one of the husbands there but that's more of a side note.

I hit a point where I knew I was going to cry but it was my issue. I was feeling awkward and left out and not approaching people in combination of feeling they should approach me but mostly because I was terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing.

I did have a bit of a cry and a huge hug from Betty who told me that a lot of stuff. None of it is really meant for here but I remember it and it was for me. And it made sense. There was more talking later which was actually amusing as the Drunk Betty was more articulate than Sober Betty. Less thinking involved.

Then it happened. Seeing these other women who had gone through their own tough times. I didn't know their stories even as I was busy trying to make mine fit. I watched women who I admired and found amazingly strong, start to break down and cry on the stage. And not just fellow Debs but the coaches as well.

The "official" night ended with a huge group hug on stage and I ended up chatting with one of the coaches about the season and she encouraged me to come back and that no matter what, I had derby in common with everyone in the room so I could at least start talking to them about that. She acknowledged that I'm really hard on myself but then complimented me on having some of the best damn toe stop runs in the group. I think I started crying again.

After the awards, we did karaoke. I. Don't. Do. Karaoke. The sound of my voice amplified freaks me out. I hate testing mics but would rather do that then to be the one setting the levels for the mic. Out of curiosity, I checked out the book. They had one of my songs. There are a few songs that I'd be willing to sing if they had them and I was able to find one of them. And it's a good song. It's one I wanted to share with everyone there, so I sang it. The song? Good Mother by Jann Arden Look it up on Youtube. It's an amazing song. Somehow, I got through it, in a corset, and had the other women singing along. One of them even gave me a huge hug, thanking me for reminding her of that song.


A few days later, I started celebrating my 30th birthday. I wanted to go skating so invited as many people as I could. Threw it together even and didn't expect much. More Debs came out than I expected and they all wished me a happy  birthday. I was a bit shocked to be honest.

Since then, the day before my birthday, I've not had a chance to skate due to being almost deathly ill. I thought I was over it and on my annual summer trip to Colorado, I got even sicker. I'm glad I didn't bring my skates but I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to skate! There are Debs moving and joining leagues and it won't be the same! I want to just want to skate and for it to stay the same now that I've finally gotten some of my courage out of hiding and am starting to know the women I'm skating with. Life is never easy though, is it?

The good news is that it looks like I'll make the first practice of the new session. As soon as I get back home, I'm going to get my stuff together to mail off for the next season. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time but I don't want to give it up. I'm not absorbed into it as I was a year ago and I've not found someone I'd consider a derby wife, but I'm not giving up on the sport.

Resent much?

I have a confession and a rather public apology to make.

A lot of the last 8 months have been filled with resentment. At first, it was very very constant. I resented all things with roller derby. It took me over a month to be able to wear my long, fun socks again, something I'd worn before I started doing derby and yet have become part of my derby life.

If not for the persistence of two very good friends, I probably wouldn't be on skates now. I don't resent them for continuing to push when the worst of it was over and I don't resent them for where I am now. I resent myself for picking the wrong path.

During the summer, there were some informal practices held for the Debu-Taunts. I went to one of the dry land practices, before my summer got busy with work. As they figured out when the session would officially start, I realized that it wouldn't work for me. I was already committed to working at the Renaissance festival and, due to my lovely cat eating and swallowing some string, I'd already been paid for my work for the season. For me, there was no way I could justify leaving early on Sundays to go do the Debu-Taunts. So I found something else.

That didn't work out.

So I stopped skating and I hid from derby. I was hurt and angry. Eventually I became resentful because I couldn't do it. The worst part was watching the women I'd started doing derby with going on with it. I went on an extreme and didn't have anything to do with it. On facebook, I hid people that I only knew through derby. I didn't go to any bouts and I simply wanted nothing to do with it. I hurt friends because I was so busy feeling hurt that I didn't see how my actions were affecting others. The worst part was that I was fully responsible for my decisions. No one forced me to find a different league or to not figure out some sort of other arrangement. I decided driving an absurd distance for practice once a week was a better option than anything else I had going for me. I wanted to be involved and be learning so badly, that I simply threw myself at any possibility. Never did I step back and wonder if this was really a good idea nor did I think any further than the moment.

Later, when things didn't work out, people pointed out how this might be for the best especially when winter brought the snows. This didn't really make me feel better because now I was even less than I had been. I'd been on an actual league and been a full member for a short period of time. After, I was no one and this hurt. I felt I'd been dumped by the guy I shouldn't have been dating in the first place. It hurt to realize that I was now never going to catch up.

A few weeks ago, it hit me that I'd been still holding onto this resentment, even though most of the sting was gone. It was so well hidden that I hadn't even realized it was still there. Tonight, after going on a small road trip to watch the local men's derby team compete, I realized that it was still there. One of the members of that former league was there. I didn't interact with her and I imagine she doesn't even remember me but it stirred up all those old feelings. It didn't help that I was the "new" kid in the group. I don't have any stories from the first session because I wasn't in it.

The worst part isn't even the loss of those stories. That I could be fine with. What hurts the most is that I pushed people away who had been close and now, that gap may never really be repaired because, for me, there's still this little voice reminding me, whenever they talk about what their section is working on, that I screwed up. I picked the wrong path and now will never catch up because I've fallen too far behind.

I remember being so excited a year ago about eventually clicking with someone and having a derby wife and getting into all the different leagues. My rejection last fall really hurt and I don't think I'm fully healed from it yet. I'm skating because I enjoy it and I want to, not to prove them wrong, but I don't know if I want to be a "real" derby girl anymore. Right now I'd be happy to stay in the "kiddie pool" for a long time because I'm afraid that even when I get to the higher groups that I'll still be alone from the isolation of my resentment.

So to those that I pushed away with my anger and hurt, I'm sorry. I've missed a lot being stuck in my own head. I can't fix that but I want to change the future. I'm trying to figure out how but first I need to remove this sliver of resentment from my heart.

Final practice of the session or How Time Flies Faster on Wheels

It seems hard to believe it but we've reached the end of the session for derby. The silly thing is that originally we should have ended sometime around May 1st if we were keeping with a 16 or so week session. I'm happy that it was extended as it meant I got more time to skate.

Since tryouts are fast approaching (something I won't be doing with either local league this year; I've got previous commitments already and I'm not sure I'm ready to go through that stress again), the coaches opened up the last few practices an hour earlier than normal to get some more work on specific areas that people needed. This week, I took advantage of it, not because of try-outs but because Wet Spot was loaning me some wheels and I knew I'd need time to swap them out and get use to them.

Back in September, I was skating on two surfaces mostly; unfinished concrete in a hockey arena and sport core, which is a foam like substance. Before attending my last practice back then, I went out and bought new wheels for the concrete floor as the wheels I had just weren't grippy enough for me. Poisons were offered up as a good possibility for me, so I went with them.

I still believe that these were the best wheels for me at the time. I was still new enough to skating that the extra grip was helping me become a little more stable especially on the surface I was skating on. It was this last practice where I skated on the sport core for the first time. It's now been long enough that I don't remember what that felt with or how the wheels felt on them. Those sensations have long been lost to other memories and emotions of that evening.

As I skated more and more with the Debu-Taunts, I was learning more that it was my gear that was holding me back and not some sort of problem with myself and my abilities. Wet Spot, already giving me advice on plates, offered to loan me some wheels for as long as I'm using them. So Sunday he brought in a set of Zodiac wheels.

To say I was nervous about trying these wheels is a bit of an understatement. Here is was the last practice and I was possibly throwing a wrench into my game. I patiently pulled out my bearings and put them into the Zodiacs, and then got the wheels all onto my skates. Everyone else had started doing things by then (there were loose stations) but I was determined to not rush myself. I got my gear on and cautiously stood up. Everything felt so much different! I can't even begin to describe the feeling or the difference but I could feel it right away. As Wet Spot said, some of my squish was taken out, which my feet really did begin to notice. Skating a few times around the Roy, I felt all the things that I could control now. My feet could get my skates to swing side to side if I wanted them to and I could get my inside foot ahead of my outside foot when turning.

Full of glee and delight, I skated over to where Wet Spot was working with some girls. I did the footwork part and waited for him to explain the next part of the drill to the girls when I skated over to him and gave him a huge hug because I felt so much better! It wasn't a matter of changing me but getting the right gear under me.

The rest of the hour was spent working on those silly transitions. I talked with Hanna about them because I knew I could go from back to front easily but was this normal? Turns out that it was. When I asked Hanna to watch me go from front to back, she did and I managed to do it. Apparently I actually needed an audience that time to be able to perform. I watched one of the other coaches, Tiki, working with a girl on the same thing and asking her all kinds of questions so she couldn't think about what she was doing. I realized that I needed to do the same thing in a way. Eventually there was a little line of us going back and forth, working on transitions. One of the girls in my group cheered and clapped for me every time I was able to go around. At one point, while waiting, I simply stood there and flipped around in a circle. Amazing how only a few weeks ago I was convinced this was impossible.

When "real" practice started, we broke into two groups; those who were going to try out and everyone else. This meant that for the first time, really, I'd be working with girls from the higher levels on things. We started with skating backwards in the correct direction for a few laps when we switched to going forwards in the wrong direction. At least all of our muscles were worked then!

It's only been a few days but I can't rightly remember everything that we did anymore. I know that there was pack work and that I got to learn about whips and hits for the first time. The biggest thing was feeling like a team instead of individuals all trying to get better. With the mix of girls in the packs, there were different skill levels working together to try to make the pack work. I learned that even with better wheels, I'm still going to fall (though it took a lot longer into practice for me to fall than normal) but that I can make up speed now. I can skate through one pack and catch up with my pack without completely dying. For the first, I also fell and had to take a couple of minutes to recover. I think in the past, I've never been surprised by my falls but this one took my completely off guard and was a hard one. I don't know if the fall hurt or if it was the shock to my system that had me stopped for as long as I was.

One of the last things we did was one of the first things we did at our first skating practice. We were given the option to see how many laps we could do in 2 minutes, the length of a jam. I honestly wasn't going to do it. I was exhausted and felt I could barely stand but one of my team mates was going to do it by herself so I bounced up (as much as I could bounce at this point) and go onto the line with her. I did end up falling (twice I think) but managed to skate the diamond pattern on the track sans all the crossovers. Even with the falling, I made it 9.5 laps around the track.

A year ago, I probably would have been lucky to make it 5 times around, especially after such a hard practice. A year ago, I would have been agonizing over every second and wondering when it was going to end. Today, I didn't count the laps or worry about the time. I thought about breathing and following that diamond, keeping my feet moving and listening to my team mates cheer me on. I reminded my body that 2 minutes really isn't anything and if I could make it through the lap I just did, what is one more? I hope somewhere there's a copy of what I did in January as I'm curious how much, if any, I improved because it sure felt like an improvement.

The biggest and most important thing, I finally feel like this is my team. I've been holding back, not wanting to open up and get hurt again but this practice something shifted. Like the click of a well placed bearing in a wheel, I suddenly felt I wasn't fighting against something but working with a wonderful group of women. This small shift makes me a little sad as it was our last official practice and it finally clicked for me. Many of these women won't be around for the next session either due to jobs or school or simply not having the time to do derby but there's one thing they will always be: My Team Mates.

Turning back around

One of the local roller rinks offers lessons for kids and adults. With the influx of derby skaters, they started a splinter group focusing on derby skating instead of teaching derby skaters how to figure skate (though I've heard that this is also helpful). Yesterday, after feeling frustrated with some stuff at work, I wanted to go skating badly. Unfortunately, most of the rinks aren't open on Mondays and after the bad weather, it was too wet outside to attempt outdoors skating. I was then reminded that the Roller Garden did have adult lessons at 8pm on Mondays. Dashing home to grab my gear (it would be so much easier to take it with me everywhere but wouldn't be good for the gear), I made my way there.

When I first started skating, I went to a few of the early Saturday morning lessons. While I did manage to get something out of most of these, I have this problem with mornings and getting to places on time. This often meant that I'd miss most of the lesson and just skate at the open skate. Turns out that Monday evenings are not only easier for me to get to but it was a lot less crowded as there were no kids getting lessons. The instructor, Dan, actually remembered me and told me that he'd missed seeing me.

Our group had a total of 3 people, though a couple of people came and went a few times. We started with two foot weaving, one of my weaknesses. Dan has always been amazingly supportive and last night was no different. With the smaller group, he was able to spend a lot of one-on-one time with each of us. I felt as though I got more than the other two but then I think I was also the weakest skater of the group. As I was managing to weave, Dan told me to relax and to use my feet more as my turning comes from there and not my upper body. It actually worked! I won't say that the weaving got easier as it was still a lot of work but it was more consistent. After mastering two feet, we all switched to doing it with one foot. My balance truly does still need work but a few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to weave at all. Yesterday, I was sort of able to do it. Not consistently but it was a start.

The biggest part of the lesson was backwards skating. This still feels amazingly awkward to me though I am now sort of able to do it. I tend to lean forwards these days which is an improvement over leaning too far backwards but it makes skating backwards awkward. I was continually reminded to take baby steps and when I was doing it (I'm my biggest critic) as I was expecting perfection right away. These small successes lead me to ask for help transitioning from forwards to backwards skating. Talk about baby steps! At first I didn't even skate but stood there on the floor, stepping through going from one direction to the other. Remember how last time I lamented ever being able to do this? Well slowly Dan got me to skate slowly forward and I was able to do it! Once again, not consistently, at least not going from forwards to backwards. Oddly enough, I have no problems going from backwards to forwards skating. I have no solid idea as to why this is other than a trust issue but at least now I can can turn halfway around!

Tremors, Tears, Teammates and Trust

Last Sunday was the first time I was on skates in 3 weeks. Easter we didn't have practice and then the next two weeks I had to work. The other days also found me full of working and bad weather keeping me from skating outside. The good news is that I acquired new plates, aluminum instead of plastic. The bad news is that I got new plates and no time to try them out before practice.

It was a hard practice and I was in the "easy" group. They divided us into two groups. Those who wanted to be pushed really hard to prep for tryouts and then those who wanted to work on basics. I went with the second group and we were still pushed hard. I started with too many new factors. New plates and new arch support were working against me. My feet were killing me and I was struggling to stay on them. I eventually reached a point where I needed to stop and take out the supports. Taking them out did help but I was still exhausted.

Eventually we started doing pace lines. Weaving from front to back scared me but was easier than I'd imagined. Going from back to front seemed impossible. I started once and fell two people in. I tried again and got two people in. At this point, I'm on the ground and I notice my hand is shaking, almost as though I had tremors. I was near tears when Wet Spot, one of our coaches, skated over to me and told me to take a moment since I was failing due to being mad. I hadn't realized it until the words came out of his mouth but I was mad. I was mad with myself for not finding time to skate over 3 weeks and I was mad that I was falling, again. I'd chatted with Hanna, one of the other coaches, before practice and I was feeling better at the start of practice realizing that I wasn't the only one feeling like an outcast in the group. Yet here I was falling and feeling awkward and frustrated. Yet Wet Spot in his guidance got me to calm down and realize that it was my anger that was holding me back.

After a few calming breaths, I got back onto my skates and caught up to the line. This time, I wove through the line with my team mates cheering me on. I kept close and low (or at least, I think I did) and quickly moved to the front. It was amazing! I felt good and successful. It was one of the high moments of practice. The other one was seeing Hanna do a bit of a victory dance as I managed to run on my toe stops and get into a stride. One of the best feelings was not only having my team mates cheer me on but actually doing what they were cheering me about.

One of the last things we worked on was transitions. I currently loath transitions. I'll get over it. I use to loath skating with my knees bent as I use to loath skating on only one foot. All of these things scared me. I'm not afraid of falling. I fall all the time. I'm actually pretty good at it these days so it's not a fear of falling. It's that I don't trust my body to do what I'm telling it to do. We have a history of being a huge tangle of limbs and awkwardness. My body and I just don't get along. I'm now grown and should trust my body. But I don't. Too often have I tried to do something and my body hasn't responded. I've only recently started to feel comfortable in my body and derby has helped with that. Moments of "oh, *that's* what my core is and how I use it" and "oh look! that's so much easier if I bend further at the knees" have been very frequent since I started really getting into derby. There's a feeling of confidence that I haven't had before.

So as we were working on transitions, I was falling. A lot. I just couldn't get my feet to do what I wanted. My flexibility needs to be worked on as well as my confidence. As I worked on turning, Wet Spot showing me different ways to take my first baby step at transitions, I kept falling. Instead of getting mad, I simply kept trying, hoping that I'd understand. Wet Spot had me doing what seemed like silly things, such as using a trash can to balance against and go into second position in ballet (I mistakenly called it fourth at the time but have since looked it up) to get use to my hips turning out. My first real baby step was when I simply put my right foot back as if to turn and I stopped myself. Wet Spot came up next to me and helped me complete the turn. And by "helped me", I mean, I grabbed onto him like a small child learning how to swim and let myself be guided around until I was facing the other direction. At this point, covered in sweat and a bit of glee, I mumbled that it was all about trust. Wet Spot later confirmed that it really is all about trusting my body to do the right thing and to stop fighting it.

So how do I go about trusting one thing that I've seen as an enemy for most of my life?

A matter of thrift

For those who don't know, roller derby is an expensive sport. There's all the required equipment which ranges from cheap to insanely expensive and it all eventually needs to be replaced as skating takes it's wear on it. On top of this are all the little things that you don't think of. In the past year, I've been through about 3 or 4 pairs of laces and I wasn't even skating full time. Tights get chewed up by the Velcro on your pads. Then there's the gas money to get to practice. Parking once you get there. If you happen to live in a cold place that insists on winter for longer than it should (such as here in Minnesota), then you find yourself paying money to go to a roller rink to still be skating. Nine dollars doesn't seem like a lot until you start adding them all up.

Some women insist on having everything new. If they aren't prepared for how much gear costs, even the average stuff isn't cheap, it can be sticker shock, especially if you buy it all at once. A lot of places online even have fresh meat packages to help lessen the blow to the wallet. Some things you shouldn't get used or at least not use for very long if they're used. Helmets and pads do eventually wear down and no longer protect. It's good for someone who isn't sure if they really want to do derby yet but want to try it out to see if they enjoy it. It's a huge invest just to find out that who don't have the drive to keep going at it.

I'm very lucky in this regard. I first heard about derby through friends of mine. I knew them through the local Renaissance festival and got to know them better by working at the festival for them. During the off-season, I helped making product and getting ready for other festivals. A lot of the talk centered around derby this and pivot that. This was a completely new language being spoken and I couldn't follow it for the life of me. After working 3 seasons at fest, Betty gave me tickets to come see a bout so I would understand. All of the women had been given tickets to give to someone who had never been to derby. I went, eventually, and I loved it. While having dinner sometime shortly after that, I mentioned that I might want to do derby. Before you could say "go to the box", I was being handed a pair of skates and a bunch of old pads.

I wouldn't get around to using any of it for about 9 months as I was too afraid to go by myself and busy schedules kept Betty and I from meeting up. But I had gear for free. When I did finally start skating, I did have to use rental skates as the skates I'd been given were too good (and they had really really crappy bearings in the wheels) though I did eventually get to those skates. I slowly bought new things as I needed them. First bearings (I was given a set of nicer wheels) and then better pads. Eventually another pair of wheels and my own helmet.

I would eventually learn that the skates were actually too big though I didn't know that. They fit in the same way my tennis shoes fit but it turns out that you want skates to be tight like a glove. Luckily for me, another woman who was trying out with me happened to have an extra pair of skates which she wanted to sell. We met up and they fit like a glove. For the bargain price of $40, I had a "new" pair of skates.

That was last June. I've since gotten a new set of plates for free for those skates. They were a step up but still holding me back. I was going to invest some money and get a step up in plates. Still not the best plates but better than what I had. When I went into the local shop I prefer (there's nothing wrong with the other one but it's connected to a tattoo parlor and the muted sounds of the needles cause me to go light headed), I was told that I was getting even better plates for less. The woman who had sold me the skates was getting new plates onto her current skates and was going to sell the old plates. So now I'm getting a huge step up for, yet again, $40.

As I chatted with the guy who works there (another good friend who has done some work on my skates for free or for hugs) commented that it's crazy where you can find "old" skating stuff and that this woman spent a lot of time on ebay. I don't have the patience or attention span for ebay but I did wonder about craigslist. I found a couple of listings, including skates that someone had bought last year, tried out in and didn't make it and never had the time over the last year to get better. So they were selling them for $90, a pair of skates that normally runs about $145.

I've been lucky to know people who have heaped help onto me without having to do much research. I do know that it is possible, with a little bit of effort, to find great deals. There are various other derby sites and blogs that offer links to second hand derby sites and groups. I'm currently too lazy to go look them up but it's awesome to know that the community understands the price of gear and is willing to help people out so they don't have to dump a ton of money into something that they don't end up loving. If they do end up loving it, then they start to buy new and better equipment, keeping that old stuff around for the next generation of skaters. I'm sure my current stuff will eventually become loaner gear to someone else. That first pair of good wheels I got have been loaned out in fact. This not only saves another woman from forking out money for (in this case wheels) gear that she might not end up liking, but it helps foster a sense of community.

Who knew that bargain hunting could lead to a great sense of community?

Rock kicking and team mates

One of the ways I get frustration out of my system, especially in the past, is to kick something. Kicking rocks is a useful way to get frustration out since, when done correctly, nothing gets hurt. Kicking walls usually leaves holes and kicking animals in right out. Growing up in the mountains meant I had no shortage of rocks to kick.

Yesterday, I wanted to kick some rocks.

Going into practice, I was frustrated. Work had kept me busy so I hadn't had much time on my skates. The weather has been crazy and unpredictable so I wasn't able to go outside either. I knew going into it that it was going to be a tough day. Maybe if I'd thought about it differently, it wouldn't have been so tough but I think I needed it to be hard.

Practice was held in a different location than normal. There's been at least one other practice in this location, which I only got to witness as I got to practice too late for it to be worthwhile to gear up. We started with 10 laps around the "track" (it's an arena's concourse). Since my toe stops kept falling out I had one of the coaches come take a look at them and then adjusted them. This made me one of the latest girls out there doing my laps. During the laps, my feet were adjusting to the new arch supports. They suck but they're also awesome. My knees weren't hitting each other nearly as much as they have in the past. Other skaters were cheering me on as they passed me and I managed to get them done not too far behind everyone else.

We then broke into groups from least to most comfortable/experienced. My group,the least comfortable was mostly girls from my group level. However, we also had some more experienced girls who were getting back onto skates after injury. Our first station was working on footwork and weaving. Both of these are really hard for me. As I didn't know what we were doing the entire time, I hadn't brought my basketball over to the group. Why a basketball? One of the coaches recommended using one between my legs during fast feet drills to help strengthen the hip muscles so that other agility work is easier. The concern was speed over form and it wasn't too bad. It was also refreshing to see that I wasn't the only one who has trouble with this area still.

Then came the weaving. I dread weaving. I understand it mentally but my muscle memory is wrong. When learning how to skate, I had a lot of trouble with cross overs. I still have some trouble but that's less to do with my body and more to do with my head. So to psyche myself out, I would skate through corners by bringing my outside leg in front of my inside one without picking up. This has apparently developed the habit of skating turns with the outside leg in front. As I worked through the drill, I became more and more frustrated. I fall a lot. I always have. Eventually I imagine I won't fall nearly as much but I'd been told in the past that because of this, I wasn't athletic enough to do derby. So as I'm falling, my brain is pulling out those voices and I was already feeling unsure about myself and where I'll go in derby from feeling like an outsider. The coach pulled me over to look at my trucks. He pointed out that they were probably still a little too loose and that I needed better plates. These plates are definitely a step up from my last ones but I need to get better. My frustrations had nothing to do with myself but with my plates binding up when I was turning. It was the equipment and not me that was holding me back. Feeling a little better, work in that area ended and we moved onto the next one.

Here the coach is also a good friend which means I sometimes get extra attention. I'm sure it's a hard balance so I try not to be too much of a hog of her time but I love getting feedback from her. She was having us work on stops. Snowplough stops I have down pretty good. I still can't stop at the same speed I skate but I can stop reliably with them. T-stops mock me. It seems that almost every time we work on them, I've forgotten how to do them. Then, when I'm on my own and working on them, I get them. I started to get frustrated again. Really frustrated. The third stop, turning around and onto toe stops, is difficult to say the least. Before yesterday, I hadn't actually worked on them since tryouts last summer. I've watched other people do them but just don't have the knack. And then the falling started, though it probably started before that stop. I hit a point of frustration where tears started to stream down my face. The coach told me to grab some water and that it would be okay. At this point, a couple of girls asked if I was hurt and I explained that I was frustrated and that I wanted to go kick a rock. They understood. All of them understood and as I started to cry harder, out of pure frustration, a couple of the girls gave me hugs and told me that I was doing well. One last time through and then onto the last station.

The last station was sticky skating and gaining speed while doing so. I can do sticky skating but I have a hard time gaining speed while doing so. This was a hard station. Every break found me on the ground, panting and trying to stretch out as best I could. Yet it seemed that I was starting to connect with some of the other girls. I wasn't the last one looking for a group, feeling left out and awkward. When we did an exercise with partners, I had one without having to feel awkward.

The best part was, after a bit of core and stretching, having other girls find me to tell me how much they'd seen me improve. It's one of the first times that I really felt like I belonged. I don't expect to like or be liked by everyone but I want to feel like a part of the group. I started to feel as though I belonged. I know it's mostly in my head but having others welcome me and give me good comments helped my head be less of a mess.

The biggest thing I learned from practice was to not focus on the negative things, the things that sucked but to find one or two good things that went well. So the positive things. In the third station, we started with shopping carts with three of us. The back person had to push the other two. I was the second one to push and I got us some speed, which was really cool. The other two girls even commented on it, making me feel really good and pushing harder. The other thing was learning that it's my gear is causing a lot of my frustration. That's an easy thing to fix. One of the coaches even offered to go to one of the local derby stores with me to get a better plate. He's also willing to lend me some different wheels to try out to see if that helps me as well. My current wheels, Poisons, are really grippy and are getting in my way at our normal practice space. I'd originally bought them for the last group I was in as we were skating on untreated concrete. Now, on a different surface, they're just too grippy. I'm hoping to get it taken care of sooner rather than later. Maybe I'll make a trip tomorrow or Thursday as my time allows.

Looking the part

Back in middle school, I was made fun of and despised. I know I'm not the only person who experienced this but I'm probably one of the few who just started to not care. I didn't care what people thought about how I dressed because it didn't matter. They'd make fun of me and mock me regardless of what I wore or how I acted so I just did my own thing. This has continued on to adulthood. I've got a certain je ne sais quoi. I don't obsess over how I look. I don't do make-up and I frequently look like a closet has thrown up. For the most part, I don't care. I'm comfortable with who I am. Yet, now, doing derby, I've found that I care.

Earlier this week I was happened upon some old photos from last summer's clinics and tryouts and I feel ashamed and embarrassed of how I look. I don't blend in. I stand out but not in a good way. More in an awkward duckling sort of way, at least in my own mind that's how it looks.

I look...unique. I'm my own sort of person and I've had people tell me that they are envious that I'm okay not conforming to other people's standards. What they don't see is the battle going on in my head. Part of me would love to fit it. To have that sense of fashion which I seem to be missing. It's superficial but I almost feel like that if I was able to look like the other girls that I wouldn't feel like an outcast among them. I know I'm probably not the only one. Everyone feels a bit self-conscious and worried about fitting in but most people are able to hide it. I've been told that it doesn't show on me and that it's my own perception, which I know is the case.

Part of my issue is that some of my friends started doing the rec league in the first session and I didn't. So I feel like I'm not part of the click that formed during that first session, that I'm an outsider. Among the new girls, I feel like an outcast as well as I had to miss the first practice due to work. I'm extremely shy and fear being rejected so I don't put myself out there. I'm feeling myself up against a wall that I can't get through yet. I want to get better but I'm stuck.

Derby and I have this weird relationship. I want to do it but I'm terrified of doing it. My confidence hasn't recovered from last fall when I was told I was too old and not athletic enough to do derby. Those words are still there, whispering in my ears that I'm just not good enough. One can tune out the voices most of the time but it's going to take actually being able to do it to get rid of the voices. I know that my age isn't a limiting factor but I know that I'm not athletic. Or rather, that I've not been athletic in the past. I know the future can change but I know where I've been. My attention span is also split. I barely went to any bouts this season. In fact, I've gone to two. This has largely been due to work events that I had to work but also because I've been afraid. Afraid of getting sucked in again.

More than looking the part, which anyone can do, I want to feel the part. I want to be confident on my skates and be a part of the group. But I'm not ready to give my soul to it again. Not yet.

When does it all get better?

I believe I have mentioned before, but I'm not the athletic sort. I never really have been. In elementary school, I hated gym because no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't good at it. Except somersaults and "egg rolls", everything else was a challenge. Decades later, I think I can say in good authority that I simply didn't understand how to get my body to do what it was suppose to do and I also didn't feel comfortable with my body or being in my body but that's neither here nor there. In middle school I disliked gym because it required me to be physical and I was awkward and not very coordinated. Also, the popular kids, who all hated me (most of the kids did for some reason still unknown to me) liked gym, so I shouldn't like it. When I got into high school, I declared that marching band was my sport and left it at that. In college, there was no gym requirement to fill so I mostly ignored being active. My work study kept me fairly active and friends got me to go rock climbing a few times. It was my senior year that I decided to take karate with a room mate, which I thoroughly enjoyed even as I struggled with other things. That summer I marched with a drum corps which is both an amazing experience and hell. I don't recall ever not hurting that summer. My shoulders were always tight and sore from holding up a baritone bugle. I don't think I managed a real push-up all summer and actually probably still owe some for mistakes I made but didn't have time to do push-ups when they occurred. We ran, a lot. We did breathing blocks which were pure hell. One of the drummers would keep time, usually fast, and we'd run in time while doing breathing exercises. In for four, hold for four, out in four. In for eight, hold for eight, out in eight. I *hated* running block as was usually the slowest but I loved doing drum corps.

So what does this have to do with derby you may ask? Quite a lot actually. Derby isn't quite as hellish as drum corps. During the summer, we were drum corps all the time. Twelve hour days (or more depending on several things) filled with music rehearsal and drill practice. Doing derby, we at least get to go home and have other distractions. Yet my mind has started to find other opportunities to work out.

Now, weeks later, I'm still hurting. I don't seem to not hurt these days. I even take breaks from my dry land work-outs but everything still hurts. Instead of bending at the waist to take off my shoes, I'm going into a squat and then taking off my shoes. The last practice I was able to make (work has kept me away for the last two), I hurt right at the beginning. I wasn't at all surprised knowing everything I had done during the week and how I've really started to become aware of my core but it was frustrating. Not because it hurt but because it felt as though I hadn't improved. In fact, it felt like I was doing worse because of how much everything hurt.

I then worked a very busy week and a half that left no time to go skating. Now that the weather has finally cleared up, I'll at least be able to go outside and skate but when you're dependent on going to a rink, it sucks to work in the evenings. I finally had a chance to go skating, with new inserts, and it all hurt. It seems as though all of this dry land and core work that I'm doing is just causing skating to become harder. I realize that part of this is probably due to being just stressed and exhausted from work and part of it is because my body is building muscles thanks to my pushing it so much but the question still remains. When will it stop hurting and when does it get better?

I try to be supportive of my fellow skaters but I'll be honest right now. I'm frustrated. I feel as though I've hit a plateau. I understand that when I do a single knee fall that I want to use the momentum to get up before I stop moving; that I should be thinking of getting up before I've even hit the ground but my body isn't responding. Every time we've run this drill and others, I feel as though I'm skating through molasses. No matter how quickly I think about what it is that I'm going to do, my body seems to have checked out, telling me that it's had enough of the hurting at that it just needs a break. Yet, and I know from this last fall, taking a break means losing all of the muscle that I've been building up. So where is the compromise?

I don't know. I'm hoping that if I keep working and continue to work on things on and off skates that I'll get better. But right now I'm frustrated. I've yet to go to a clinic hosted by either local league because right now I don't even want to think about trying out. I know a lot of the issue comes from not being at every practice but I work in a job that doesn't let me. That's life. If I really want derby to become the number one thing in my life, then I need to find a different field to work in but I *love* the field I work in so that's not likely to happen. My boss has been amazingly understanding with working on my schedule but there are just some events I can not miss. But it's frustrating to feel left behind as everyone else gets better. I know it's not about comparing myself to anyone but myself but in this society, I don't think that's actually possible. We're always competing. I want to get better and I'm trying and I know that everyone is supportive of me and encouraging but I also want to have my temper tantrum and throw things as I get stuck. Because really, I may appear to be a mature and bright woman but sometimes I get stuck and don't know how to get better. I'm hitting a wall and I know I'll eventually get through it, as I have before with skating and other things (including drum corps) but right now I'm frustrated. I feel left out and stuck in a place where I can't get better. And the "funny" thing? No one can fix either of these but myself. No matter how supportive the other girls are or how knowledgeable the trainers are, I'm the only one who can make myself continue to get up every time I fall.

So I keep getting back up, even if it takes a few moments longer than it would take everyone else, I'm still going. Some of the falls have been really hard (my undocumented-on-here-fall-drama) and took longer to catch my breath and to get my skates back under me but I keep getting back up because damn it, I will succeed. If I can march a season of drum corps on a completely new instrument, then I can do derby. If I can work everyday of a seven weekend run of a renaissance festival for 10 hours a day while in full wench garb, I can do derby. If I can work and succeed in a field dominated by men, many of whom feel the need to mock and look down on women, then I can do derby. If I can leave a relationship that is falling apart and prevent it from becoming abusive, I can do derby. And hopefully, as I'm doing derby, it will all get better.

Following practice on 3/27

Today was a hard day. There are many things that factor into this and no one area is to blame though I'm putting most of it on work. For the rest of this to make sense, I must write a bit about my day job. I work as a theatre technician. Since my theatre is attached to a University, our busy times are generally from the middle of a semester until the end of it. This translates into right now has gotten very busy. Getting a chance to skate outside of practice in the past two weeks has been difficult. I missed last week's practice due to work and I would definitely rather have been getting my butt kicked in dry land practice than at work.

This past week was a really tough one at work. I had 2 shows, longer days, that I had to work. The other two days were spent setting up equipment in preparation for our opera. A lot of lifting was involved of heavy things and even when you lift from your legs, your back sometimes is involved whether or not you want it to be.

Add on top of this the stress from the week before of playing both myself and my boss as well as the extreme temperature changes (my back doesn't like it when it goes from nice to stupid cold overnight), has for a sore me. In addition to all of the above, I'm now finding opportunities to do dry land type things. I engage my core whenever I possibly can. Instead of bending at the waist to untie my shoes, I will do into a squat and hold it for each shoe. I'd spent most of the past week doing some sort of working out but not nearly enough stretching. I've also quit soda and my eating habits have gotten a bit out of whack (a weird work schedule will do that to a girl).

The sum of all of the above meant that as soon as I started skating, I realized I was sore and tight everywhere and that I really needed to see my chiropractor. We started skating in laps around the entire space (there's an audience/stage area and then the backstage area; when we practice, the curtains are raised and it is one space), which had recently been mopped and was still a little wet. I'm having a real hard time not skating knock-kneed. I need to get some really good arch support which was confirmed as a solution which I'll get into later. Betty, one of my friends who introduced me to roller derby, has threatened to put something (I said I was going to find a midget) to put between my knees to keep them apart. It's one of the biggest things I need to work on and one of the hardest for me.

After some warm-up laps, we broke into our group (pink, blue, scrimmage) and continued warm-ups together. I'm in the pink group, which was oddly small today. We started skating around the track and on a single whistle, we dropped to one knee and popped back up. On a double whistle, we did both knees and then up. After doing that in both directions, we worked on starts from a down position. I fully understand the concepts of all of this stuff and how I'm suppose to do it. However, my body isn't to that point yet. I need to spend a lot more time working on my core and my legs don't just let me pull them up quickly. I fall onto a knee and it takes me forever to get back up or so it seems. This isn't to say that I haven't improved for I have done that. I get up much faster than I use to but today I was winded shortly after we started. I'm not sure if it was the cause of not drinking enough water the last couple of days or what but I was hurting early on.

We then did foot work. We do various agility things. This is part of the building blocks so that we can do awesome things. While I never got this when I was an active music student, I've learned through skating that even when you know you've got something, you still work on it so you can combine all of the muscle memory when it counts. After the first set, Hanna, one of the coaches, came over to talk with me about my knock-kneed problem. She told me that I needed to be really conscious of it as it will help my agility if my knees are kept apart. She told me that this was a big problem for her and that they want to build on good habits. This is where getting better arch supports came in as Hanna told me that she has fallen arches and needs to use high arch inserts to keep things in line. The other recommendation she gave was to do this sort of work with a basketball type object between my legs to help force them apart. I can't build the muscles if I'm not forcing them into the right position a bit.

Despite this putting me way behind the other girls (there are usually more of us too), it was really helpful advice. It's something that I've been hearing from quite a few people but hadn't gotten any solid advice on how to fix it other than to keep working the hip muscles. Now I have a plan to work on getting better. The footwork has gotten much easier than when I was first doing it almost a year ago. I couldn't step without rolling to save my life. Now, I still roll a little but I have much more control. I'm also ridiculously good on my toe stops. We were walking down the line on them when I realized I wasn't doing drum corps (we marched backwards on our toes in my corps) and could get really low while on my toe stops. Lydia actually complemented me on how awesome it was to see me dig in.

We then worked on stops, something that isn't very strong for me yet. Angelfire, another MNRG guest coach of the day, had us start with toe stop stops which none of us ever do. In fact, we've been told to not do it but Angelfire did point out that occasionally you need to be able to do it so we tried. It was the first stop I'd learned over a year ago and hadn't really used it in a long while but it did come back. Not my best stopping technique but far better than my t-stops. I don't know why but t-stops and I don't get along very well. It's not that I don't understand them. I think it's that my feet go stupid. The last time I went skating I was starting to get them down again. Today, it was a struggle as though that last time on skates didn't happen. Stopping with my right foot behind is still my strongest stop which means I really need to work the other side. The last stop and the one I'm best at is the snowplow. I was terrified of this stop when I first learned it and believed that there was no way for me to be able to do it. Then, just before the time of my drama, it became the only stop I could reliably do. That was a really cool feeling. I'm not completely consistent with it yet but I can actually stop with them.

The thing I had most fun with was the sprint starts. I haven't tried running on my toe stops since I was preparing to tryout for NSRGs last summer and I didn't really do it then. This came really naturally and felt awesome. The duck walk starts I wasn't really sure if I was even doing them right. At this point, the fact that I hadn't eaten a lot and that I'd eaten too soon to practice were starting to catch up with me as well as my sore back. I was falling a lot (not really that new) but when I got up (which was a little slower than normal), I was sore in my lower back. I should also mention that I am very well endowed. I'm actually afraid that they have grown again which if they have, I would seriously consider breast reduction surgery. They are heavy and it's hard to get the right stance, for me right now, with them. I know how to stretch out my lower back as it's always been a tight area for me but it was annoying to have to keep going over to the side to stretch out even though I knew if I didn't that it would hurt worse later and even potentially do damage. Lydia was okay and even recommended it at one point. It was a bit frustrating to be otherwise fine but in a load of pain whenever I'd get into the right stance.

The finally drills were the starts from the ground again but this time we got more instruction on what we were doing. Unfortunately, I started having a coughing fit and then it felt like I was going to vomit and as I always feel worse after I vomit, I was determined to not let it happen. I had taken a lot of falls, a few more than normal probably, and was just beat. I hated that I wasn't able to finish out the drills but every time I started to get into position, the bad feelings all would resurface.

One of the bigger highlights of the day for me was the support that I was getting from my fellow skaters. I was having so many issues from the falling and the knock-kneed skating to my toe stops suddenly deciding that they should come out of my skates. They had been in so tight that I couldn't move them without a tool before practice. I know I should get someone to look at them as this has become ridiculous. They need to stop doing this. I've been very reluctant to get close to any of the other girls because of how badly I was hurt and rejected this past fall. I don't want to go through that again. I don't want girls with the same experience to tell me that I'm not athletic enough or that I'm too old to do derby. I don't want to feel like I belong to only have to turn around and pack up. I know rationally that this isn't going to be the case but it causes me to be more interested in talking with the MNRG skaters than with my fellow Debu-Taunts as the MNRG skaters are actively doing derby in a demanding league. I could handle getting advice from them. Today, not only were people supportive and asking if I was okay when I'd fall, but they were starting to offer advice. Yet the way they did it was so much different from this fall that I didn't feel the need to get defensive. I think the fact that there were only about 13 of us today made a huge difference. There were moments when I was the last one doing something (lots of falling again) that they would help me to push myself. If I was the last one doing the foot work drills, someone would jump into the next line and do it with me.

Another odd thing was at the end of practice, we gathered around. The girls who will be involved with this coming bout (pre-show and derby 101) were given information they needed and then were asked to put a skate in to win a comp ticket. At that point, I skated over to my stuff to get my gear away (I was also shaky and having a bit of chills). As I started to take my gear off, I noticed they were doing core work. I was torn between going over there and doing it and just ignoring it especially as I wasn't the only girl not over there. My body won and I just got packed up and slowly made my way out but a bit of me feels like an ass for not doing it. One thing that makes me feel a bit better is that I probably use my core more during the week at work than most girls do.

I will sadly be missing the next two weeks of practice due to work but will hopefully get out skating at least once a week if not more though as it's two big productions for the next two weeks, I'm not certain. If nothing else, I will be finding time to do some real dry land and not just "I'm at work and standing around so I'm going to do something useful for my core" dry land.