Nose, knee, toe

Do you remember being really young and there was that silly song where you placed your hands on your shoulders, knees and toes? I do and I started mentally humming the tune to myself yesterday after one of our coaches, Harmony, said that we needed to remember to keep our nose, knees and toes in line. Not quite the same rhythm but it works.

Yesterday we worked on strides. Last session, I had to work on the day that we had the stride clinic. This made me both sad and annoyed. I love my job, a lot. It's what I'm suppose to be doing and I love it, but sometimes it comes at the expense of other things. I think that this is true of all things we love. We can't love them all to the same level and sometimes one thing takes priority over another. I skipped skating at the dome once to encourage my future step-daughter at her derby practice as her older sister (also in derby) had a concert that night and my fiancee couldn't be at two places at the same time.

We started with a review of our edges and remembering where they are because it turns out that you use your edges for everything! Somehow, this doesn't surprise me in the least. I'm good with where my inside edges are and I can find my outside edges on my right foot really well but not on my left foot. Guess what I'm going to start working on?

I wish I could clearly write about the technical stuff that we did but I'm not really sure how to explain it yet. I know that we learn by teaching but this was such a physical and visual thing that I'm not sure how to describe it. I also don't quite get it yet. I know I will eventually and I'm being really kind about myself because it was my first time through the clinic. I'd heard wonderful things about it from last session and really was down on myself for having to work that day. Priorities and responsibilities can be annoying at times.

When we were divided into groups, we self-assessed our skill level. Group 1 was for people who felt they were experts at the skill while Group 4 was for those who were really new to skating. I was in Group 2. Yeah, that's right, Miss I'm-Never-Going-to-Advance was at the top end of things and it felt good and right. I also made a point to not compare myself to others, though during one drill I nearly forgot to go because I was impressed how the person in front of me was doing. She and I were both in pink last session and wow has she improved! It was awesome.

Some of the drills were awkward. Mostly it was when we broke down the cross-over. We did the stride with the right foot only. Then we crossed behind with our left foot. This was definitely an awkward moose. You could cheat and push your right foot in front but that's not working the right muscles. Our groups broke into smaller ones as we all went around a set of 4 cones. The first time my sub-group went, I struggled. I wasn't dropping my left hip enough and I was way too rigid. Of course, I wasn't aware of this until it was pointed out but once it was, I could feel the tense. The second time around, I let myself relax and ended up falling. Not low enough but at least my foot was starting to get where it was suppose to do. At some point, I actually felt it. I'm not sure I repeated it but I had one Ah-Ha! moment that I could feel the difference. The best part of that was hearing our coaches reassure us that it was hard and that we wouldn't just magically be able to do cross-overs overnight. When we put the cross-overs together, I could get my left leg back and I was pushing with it. This means that it's most likely in my head and I'm freaking out over doing just the left leg part.

The best was yet to come. We grouped together to have two groups and got onto each track. Our practice space has a front and a back track which is fantastic. We can use both and have less girls on each track while still having more girls working at the same time. Harmony was with my group. She had each smaller group (1 and 2) do pace lines around the track. We skated the diamond (outside on the straightaways and inside at the top of the apex) while doing cross-overs. Once the person in front skated a lap, they would fall back. It was interesting to watch the girls who are more comfortable with them working on it and see both strengths and weaknesses. Despite mostly turning off the voice that says how much better everyone else is than me, it still sometimes speaks up, so it's good for me to see other people who I look up to having a hard time. After each group had done a pace line, Harmony took the lead. She said that she learned her stride mostly from skating behind other skaters and learning from them. She wanted us to each skate a lap behind her and start our crossovers not when she did but where she did. I would have loved to have skated several laps behind her. One didn't seem nearly enough to learn everything but then again, there's so many parts that it would take more than just an afternoon skating behind her to get it. It was surprising how much slower her legs changed places. I expected it to be faster.

So what does my title have to do with stride? Everything. Our nose, knee and toe should always be in line. Our head isn't moving but our feet and we continue to put our feet back to the same place and we get a good stride. It also has us balanced. This starts getting into the technical part with edges but even though you're pushing out to the side, you still end up skating a straight line if you keep your nose, knee and toes in line.

There's one thing I'm going to start doing at the end of every post. I'm going to list the things that I need to work on and then the things that I did really well. I'm not forgetting these things as often as I use to (I use to only see the bad) and I think that it's good to record it so that I can see my progress.

Things to work on

• Outside edge on both feet
• Smoothing transition from foot to foot while striding
• Pushing with my left leg independently using the outside edge
• Relaxing my hips
• Getting lower and bending my knees more

Things that were AWESOME

• Circle turns (using edges to go around in a circle; in the past I've always fallen; yesterday and the week before I went all the way around each one without falling)
• Opening up my chest doing crossovers once I realized I should be looking across the circle
• Four point fall after tripping on the weird lip on the side
• Getting low when doing single foot strides (though I'm sure I could have gotten lower)
• My T-stops were awesome yesterday
• The brief Ah-Ha moment with my left leg
• Getting a compliment about looking good and not immediately falling after hearing it.

Well how did that happen?

Today at practice, I had to leave early due to work but there was a big, no, a HUGE eureka moment for me today.

This was our first non-assessment practice on skates. For all I know, it was also our first practice entirely on skates (that whole leaving early thing leaves one in the dark sometimes). We started with a warm-up of 80/100s. First, I realized that I no longer hate this drill. I mean, it's still hard (skate at 80% speed for a minute, then at 100% speed for 30 seconds and then back to 80%, repeat) but I don't feel as though I'm going to die. Second, to my surprise, my feet didn't hate me either and actually moved most of the time. It's still not all of the time but it's certainly more than it use to be and I'm certainly gaining speed. I was vaguely aware of people telling me that I was looking good when I'd zip past them. And I think I was actually zipping past people.

I wasn't looking forward to practice. I knew I'd have to leave early and I've been in a funk the last couple of days. Personal life can sometimes take it out of you and it certainly has been draining for me. I was so angry and frustrated last night that I couldn't even lay down to sleep until almost 2am and that was mostly because I killed my phone's battery and it seemed like too much effort to get out of bed to charge it so I could keep wasting time. Sleep didn't come easily and I certainly didn't feel rested. So I wasn't really looking forward to practice because I was convinced that I'd be too much in my head and that I'd not get anything out of it. Add on top of it that my skates, my lovely Vanilla Curves which I love and adore, aren't really good derby skates. There's no support in the ankle area because they're jam skates and you want loose ankles when you jam skate. So now, instead of buying new boots, I'm looking into temporary fixes as there are other things that are higher priority money-wise. I've spent a little time on my skates and learned at last week's practice that I've cranked down on my bushings too much so I probably need a harder set of the magic cushions. The time I spent on my skates was trying to adjust my trucks so that I wouldn't have another expense. Getting them loose enough so that the bushings are bulging makes them too loose for me so I've combined my old, really hard bushings with the magic cushion, which seemed to do the trick.

When we were allowed to skate before practice started, I let me worries and anxieties and all the other things that would keep me in my head and felt myself pushing them out of my mind with every push of my skate. I don't know if there was a physical difference to be seen in me but it certainly felt different.

After warm-ups and stretching, we worked on edging. Somehow I ended up towards the higher end of skill level (we were to self-assess and I put myself in the middle; when groups were formed, my group was the second to the high end) and I was actually okay with that. See, I've had a problem with skating knock-kneed. To fix this, I've been doing a lot of sticky skating which means I've gotten to know pretty well where to find my edges. Of course, finding them when I'm being deliberate and trying to build up certain muscles and knowing where they are and using them all the time are two different things.

As we worked through the different drills, we got to one that I've always dreaded because I struggle with it. It's edging work where we skate around a cone. Pretty much every time I've done this, I have fallen. The whole "body-working-as-one-unit" thing usually isn't happening when we get to this drill. I didn't care though. I didn't care what I'd done in the past because I'd built on that. I'd managed earlier to fall during the 80/100s and get back up while I was still sliding, which is a new thing. It's the way it's suppose to be but I've not noticed myself doing it before. To my honest amazement, I got through the drill without falling, stumbling or flailing for the first time ever. I think I actually shocked myself a bit. It wasn't perfect but it was certainly what I was suppose to be doing.

It's often said that if you aren't falling in derby, then you aren't trying hard enough. Part of me wondered if perhaps that was true today until I got out of my skates and started walking. There are definitely muscles in my legs that aren't happy with me for the work I did today. I think often, my falling was almost a reaction, a "I have no idea what to do, but I can fall" sort of reaction. That seems to be out of my system. If I fall, it's usually that I've pushed a little harder than I realized I could go, such as during the 80/100s. When I fell, I think I was going faster than I'm use to and I did something that caused me to fall. I honestly have no idea what happened other than I was down, doing a baseball slide and then back up again. We did cone weaving and had the option of doing it on one foot, so I decided that I should try it. I didn't try it. I did it.

I know it's all been tiny little steps and hops but it's certainly caught me off-guard with how much has changed. I know that I'm not the only one who sees it either. It seems as though every practice, at least one or two more people comment about how much I've improved from where I use to be, sometimes even just where I was a week before. This is absolutely exhilarating to suddenly see so many new strengths in my body and my skills.

It's become my story now

First, before going into the meaning of the title of this post or writing about the awesomeness of yesterday, I most post this photo.

This picture was taken by my Sweetie before Derby 101 as the first All-Star game of the Minnesota Roller-girls of this season. That's me. On the jammer line. We stage the demo so we know what to describe to the audience. I think it was mostly a sense of confidence and maybe even a little bit of nerves that got me to volunteer to be the lead jammer. This in part was because my Sweetie was sitting on the jammer line track-side. Not that I need to impress him or anyone but I thought it would be kind of spiffy to get to be lead jammer. I managed to skate all of the Derby 101 demos at the TC Terrors bouts but this was my first time doing it for MNRG. Over the course of the TC Terrors season, I managed to skate every position, though I didn't play lead jammer. As this will be the last time this season I can do Derby 101, I wanted to be able to say that I skated all of the positions. 

When we were practicing on the back track, I slipped on my cross-over and fell. The other jammer also fell so that she didn't get ahead of me. This was scripted after all. I jokingly said that hopefully that got the falling out of my system and that it wouldn't happen in front of people. She assured me that if I did fall, she'd just fall again. 

After what felt like an eternity backstage (even derby has periods of "hurry up and wait"), we got to go out. As we skated into position, I heard someone shout "GO FERRET" though I never figured out who it was but I'm pretty sure I smiled on hearing it. Confession: I have extreme stage fright. But Ferret, you're surely thinking, you wearing bosom-enhancing outfits and write on your cleavage out at the Ren Fest and have no problems! Yeah, but I'm hawking among of a sea of people. I don't have stage lights on me or an audience cheering. I'm competing to be heard over the crowds. I work in theatre and there have been times in which I've had to go onto stage when there's been an audience and I can be seen. In my world, that means something has gone wrong or I've screwed something up. Thankfully it's usually been that something has gone wrong and needs to be fixed but I still come off the stage shaking. Sometimes, during set changes with orchestras, I'm out on stage in full light but then there's a lot of movement. It isn't just me. 

If you look at this picture, you'll notice that I'm only on one toe stop. That's because I was shaking so badly that I didn't trust myself on both toe stops. 

We started our mini-jam, whistles were blown and we took off. I made it through the pack easily and started to take my scoring lap. Then I fell. At the EXACT same corner that I'd fallen during our practice run. Talking with friends after, they thought it was staged. Talking with one of my coaches and my dear friend who got me involved in derby (she'd never watched 101 before; I think she watched because I was skating), they both said it looked like we'd done it on purpose. It actually happened because I'd ended up over-tightening my trucks. They'd been too loose lately so I cranked down on them and it was the first time I'd been skating on a derby track since I'd done that. I didn't want to mess with anything after we'd done our run through and didn't truly realize it until after the fact (I had suspicions). Several things made me excited to hear people thing that it was staged. One, it means my falling has gotten much more controlled. Two, I'm getting up faster and smoother than before. Third, I didn't even think about the fact that I fell but that I needed to keep moving. 

This awesome night led to an even more awesome day.

Yesterday was our first time on skates this session. They opened up the Roy an hour early so that new girls could have a chance to skate on the floor before skills assessments. I got there early to tweak two things: my trucks and how I was lacing my skates. There were 3 things that I needed to be able to do to be happy with my set-up: cross-overs, t-stops and snowplows. It took nearly the entire time but I did manage to get everything perfect*. After a quick Q&A about the bout the previous night, we started skill assessments. 

We were told to place ourselves in the group we felt most comfortable in realizing that it didn't mean that was where we could get placed. I decided to place myself in the blue (intermediate) group. Testing wasn't nearly as intense as I expected though my boot didn't fall apart this time. There was a lot that I was happy with how I did. My t-stops and snowplows have improved so much and I nearly got 25 laps in 5 minutes. We 7 other skaters on the track, it was hard to get my diamond grove on. Also, after falling a few times, I definitely started to tense up. I heard a shout from the center of the track to relax. When we were finished with the 5 minutes (I seriously got 24.5 laps; if I'd relaxed more and not fallen, I'd have made at least 25; of course, the last time I was timed and fell less than I did yesterday, I had 22 laps so I'm not too upset), Tiki told me that after falling, I tensed up. Hearing her shout at me got me to relax but not completely. Additionally, I was able to fall, not flail and got back up without having to use my arms or hands. This, while not exactly a first, has been a very, very long struggle for me. I've not struggled with allowing myself to fall but I have struggled with having the muscles to get back up while still sliding.

The entire time, I was trying to stay realistic. I wanted to move up badly but I know that there are skills I just don't have yet. Lately I've been struggling with being gentle with myself and how far I have come. It's hard to not compare yourself to others as you skate with others. That's been my struggle lately.

The testing got cut short so that we'd have time to do dryland. I can tell how the amount of dryland we've been doing has been helping me. In my enthusiasm to help move some chairs, I managed to cut myself on my water bottle. Yes, I am that special at times. This meant that I missed the explanation of what we were doing which was probably a good thing and I didn't end up bleeding on everything. We started with a relay race, sprinting from one end to two "mid"-points and back and then to the end and back. I was the last one in my line and when it came to the last push, I pushed hard. My legs began to give me the middle finger.

As a reward for our awesomeness, we got to do some plyometric work. We started with frog jumps, which I hate because of how much they hurt. I know that they are awesome because of what they do to my legs but every time I've done them, I've wanted to cry by the end of it. We jump up from a deep squat, slowly moving forwards. It's more about the springing up than it is about moving forward. Still in our relay groups, we were to start when the person in front of us got in line with the jammer line. As I started, I knew that this was going to be a really hard thing for me to do. I could get low with no problem and my landings were good but it hurt to spring back up. I think I was about halfway when Bacon, a former Deb, got down next to me and counted to three. We started doing them together. She kept talking, reminding me to keep my head up. At one point, Tiki came over to check on my breathing, which was actually fine. It was my legs that were giving me the trouble. I'd land and my legs would want to give up on me. It was a fight to keep them under me and to keep going. Bacon at one point asked if I could do three more. I looked at her saying that I could do more than 3 but that it was going to take a while. I know towards the end I closed my eyes because my legs hurt so much. It kind of helped to block out the pain, sort of. What really helped was hearing my fellow skaters start to cheer every time I launched myself up into the air. At some point, probably the last 4 or 5 jumps, I noticed that they all came out with me and started jumping when I jumped. As I struggled to keep my legs under me, they cheered me on. I wanted to give up. It would have been so much easier to give up and not try but something deeper in me demanded to keep going.

It would be unfair to say that I did this on my own. As things were starting to get harder, I started to pray. Not simply saying "Oh God, I can't do this, this sucks, etc." but praying in earnest for help. I recognized that I couldn't do this by myself. This was demanding more of my body than I usually do but since God gave me my body, surely He would help me if I accepted that He was in control. He definitely gave me strength to go on but He gave me something else much more tangible. He gave me this amazing group of women who believe in me and my strengths and abilities. He gave me coaches who push me past my point of comfort but not to the point of hurting myself. These women helped me to accept that I really am an athlete, especially after having been told that I'd never be athletic enough. They had faith in me before I was able to and they help me find that.

Of course, we weren't done with practice yet. We still had some line jumping and sets of 5. The sets of 5 weren't push-ups but more plymetrics. We did sets of 5 of 4 different jumping exercises and we did them in a cycle, leading each other and working together as a team. I was able to remember the cycle and was vocal at announcing each step, even though it hurt to move. At one point, I even led the squats jumps. If Tiki hadn't stopped us, I probably would have kept going. Of course, they would have needed a spatula to scrap me off the floor.

We didn't get to hear where we're placed yet. I was the last Deb not in the clinic to leave as moving my fastest was still amazingly slow. I wanted to find out where I was placed as I won't be there next week because of work. Before I could open my mouth, I looked at Hanna and she said "Intermediate." I asked what that meant. There are enough of us who aren't quite ready for blue but need to be pushed and worked harder than we would in the pink group, so they are making a new intermediate (I named it purple, though it would probably be more of a lavender) group for those of us in that category. Hanna got hugged and asked if I was crying. I was pretty darn close except I hurt so much.

Two weeks ago, I was convinced that I would never leave the pink group. Now, I just need to not try so hard to prove myself to Tiki. She would come over to watch us skate during the assessment and I would start screwing up because I wanted to prove to her that I can do all of this. Hanna left me with great words last night. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. They all know that I'm doing the work and that I'm capable of doing it. I just need to relax. Now to learn how to stay relaxed in front of my coach so I can move up to being contact ready.

When I got to my car, I emailed the list to thank all of them for their encouragement and what it meant to me. It was humbling to get responses telling me how much I inspire them to work harder. One of the last texts I got around to sending that night was to Betty. She and her husband, Rink, started my introduction to derby. He hired me to work their booth at festival and she gave me tickets to my first bout. I sent her a message to thank her for encouragement and for getting me involved in derby. The talk that Drunk Betty gave me in June hit home and made sense yesterday. Here's what she wrote back to me, which did get me to cry (in fact, I'm about to cry now): "Hey honey. This is your derby story now. I saw the girls cheering you on and you pushing yourself. These are all things that make a huge difference in your derby life and your real life. I am so fucking proud of you." So that's what I mean by saying that it's my story now. I've become invested in roller derby, in my own life and in the lives of those I skate with. I've spent months feeling embarrassed and left out and unworthy. I've been saddened for no longer skating with the person I started this adventure on (she also got a thank you text; she got my butt on skates to begin with and then back on skates and into Debs when I was most discouraged) and I've been to the point of giving up. Instead of letting someone else write my story and giving them the pen, I've taken over and am writing it on my own now. Yesterday was amazingly pivotal and I feel as though something has changed within me. I may just try defying gravity.

*It's never perfect. Skating causes changes in tension and how my feet feel but there comes a point where I have to stop fussing otherwise I'll end up not skating.

Hope

Sometimes, I get motivation and hope from the strangest places. Today was one of those days.

It shouldn't be too surprising that to be able to participate in practice, one has to sit through a talk of the rules. Even if you've been doing it for a while, it's a new session and sometimes rules change. Rule number one will never change. Don't be a Douche Bag. However, it seems that there is a need to remind people that they are adults and need to take care of themselves. This also doesn't surprise me.

What did end up surprising me was how I started to feel. Not realizing that there was going to be a meeting before practice for those of us who couldn't make the first practice (I wasn't the only one), I didn't think to check my email until just before 3pm. I knew that practice had been moved to a 4pm start and as such, I'd have plenty of time to get to practice and find parking. Turns out that the meeting was going to happen at 3pm. I quickly threw myself together, remembering my tennis shoes and paperwork, and flew out the door. While I love being on skates, I'm happy today was a day of dry land. It meant one less thing for me to haul. I got there feeling ashamed and embarrassed for being late. I was an disappointment to myself. Add on top of this, the overwhelming sense of discouragement and I wasn't really looking forward to practice. Being so late (about 15 minutes) almost had me convinced to just turn around as I wouldn't be able to practice without sitting through the talk. I'm glad I ignored my brain.

The coach who held the talk let us know why we're doing so much dry land. It's to strengthen our bodies. No one (or at least almost no one) does squats or push-ups for fun. I'm sure if I thought about it long enough, I could find an exception to that statement. It's something I wish I had learned when I was still active musically. You must always practice the fundamentals as everything else is based on it. If you can't do a complicated scale pattern, you aren't going to be able to do a complicated phrase of music. The same holds true for derby, and I imagine, for life in general. If my ankles aren't strong enough off skates, how can I expect them to be in skates? It may take a while, but if I continue to work on it, then I will get there.
For me, it's not about the wearing of a cute outfit and skating in front of a crowd. Frankly, skating in front of a crowd kind of scares me. All those people screaming and cheering? I've heard that you sort of tune it out and focus on the game, which I hope is true. Instead, it's about getting better and seeing growth in myself. I've seen it in my arms and my legs. My core has gotten so much stronger that it makes me giddy. I can do things now that I couldn't a year ago. Ankles, on the other hand, are a lot harder to see improvement in. I still feel unstable when balancing during dry land. Granted, this is after we've been doing a lot of stuff but I know it's my ankle stability. It takes time to build up those muscles. It wasn't so hard with everything else because I use it daily at work. Learning how to engage my core actually made some things at work a lot easier. I wish I'd understood how to do it much sooner!
So instead of hearing about how this is to prevent injury (I did indeed hear that part, but I already get that), what I heard the loudest was that I need to keep working and to stop being so hard on myself. I love the amount of encouragement I receive from the other women I skate with and I hope they get that I encourage them just as much. Today, I was unable to shout my encouragements (though I did make a comment about one minute being a half a jam as a way to motivate myself) but I was certainly smiling and giving thumbs up and whatever else I could to encourage. After one of the jumping drills, my legs completely gave out and one of the women actually came over to help me stand back up. I honestly couldn't tell you who it was because I was in so much pain but I was very grateful for the help. So much of the pain is my mind trying to convince me to give up because I'm uncomfortable. The rest of the pain is my ripping my muscles apart to make them stronger.
It's easy to see someone "not trying hard enough" and wonder why they're still doing derby. It's harder to get to know them to learn about their struggles as to why it looks like they aren't trying hard enough. Sometimes, I think we all give in to the voice telling us to not push as hard because that's easier. Yet it's important to know when the voice is telling us to slow down because our body is actually in pain. I had to remember that today during one of the drills. We were hopping up stairs (yes, you read that correctly; try it sometime. It's not as easy as you would think) and I had one last set to finish. My heart rate had been elevated during the drill and I was taking the time to get it back down to a point where I didn't feel as though I might pass out. I got halfway through the last set and had to stop but wanted to keep pushing. As another skater came down the steps, she told me to listen to my body. Two skaters, both league skaters I believe, stopped and got onto the same step with me. They reminded me to breathe deeply and to keep pushing but do it at the pace my body to handle. As we slowly made it up the stairs (and at the start, I was really wanting to figuratively kick myself for not being able to do faster), I started to hear the other women cheering us on. I don't know if the the two skaters who joined me had finished or not. I think they had and that they decided to join me so that I wouldn't finish the drill on my own. I felt so happy to make it to the top that I wanted to cry. I gave up control that inner, doubting voice has sometimes and let my body do what it does best. I trusted myself because they trusted and believed in me.
Before practice started and we were done with our paperwork, I went to go say hello to people and chat with them. It was amazing how many commented on how awesome I was looking. Between eating a lot better (good-bye fast food! good-bye cheap crap!), I've also started to challenge myself more physically. I take stairs two at a time. If there's an opportunity to jump something, I take it. I'll stand around chatting with co-workers and balance on one foot. All of these little things are starting to add up to more inches melting away from my body. Something that really amazed me was getting complimented on my wall-sit from Thursday. I managed to do a wall-sit for 3 minutes and 35 seconds. The only "break" I took was when my feet started to slip out from under me. My quads hated me afterwards but I was amazingly proud of myself. In truth, my quads still hate me, especially after today's practice. One of my friends commented on how she was a wimp compared to me and that I was awesome. This friend is now a group level higher than me and can do things on skates that I can't do yet. Her comment of being awesome because of how hard I pushed myself started to turn the switch on my attitude. That change in my attitude let me have a great practice.
All of these little things gave me hope today. I'm still a bit discouraged because I have hit a plateau. My sweetie has suggested I start doing some cross-training in yoga. I think that's probably a good idea. I've also thought it might not be too bad to go do some bouldering or maybe even pick up a little parkour. It will still work similar muscles but maybe working them in a different way will help them and it'll help me get through this wall I'm stuck behind.

A High Followed by an Immediate Low

It's funny how motivation works sometimes. Earlier today I was working on a blog post. My sweetie, having never seen my creative process before, thought I was dawdling and being distracted. The problem is that in order to focus and write, I have to get the excess energy out of my system. Sometimes I'll have everything I want to say in my head and all I have to do is sit in front of a computer and type. Usually this happens when I have absolutely nothing to even jot an idea down on let alone have the entire thing flow out. So it gets shuffled into a mental box and I get to it eventually. Unfortunately, quite a few other shiny things wander through my mind in the time between when I'm inspired and when I'm actually able to write. Too often I sit staring at the blank screen, waiting for my brilliance to come back. So I poke around on the internet, retracing things I've done in hopes that I'll stumble onto the right word or phrase that will allow my thoughts to flow into the thing I meant to write. I started that this morning but felt discouraged when my sweetie decided I needed a task master to keep me on task. So I threw in the towel for the time being because trying to force it wasn't going to make it happen and it seemed that I'd just be under pressure to get it all out.

The day progressed and I seemed to be in a bit of a funk. I've had a lot of anxiety for several reasons and thankfully skating has been a great outlet for it. Then I started thinking.

You know what one phrase all of my coaches have said to me?

STOP THINKING!

Even off the track, I should remember this because so often, I start thinking and then things go "wrong." If I think too hard when I'm skating, I start to doubt myself and then usually end up falling. I've now figuratively fallen because I started thinking too much.

I'm feeling really discouraged. There's a lot of stuff that I'm discouraged about but I realized today that I'm starting to feel really discouraged about derby.

(Note: I was interrupted while writing this at midnight last night. It was once again my sweetie and this time I simply became angry which caused a whole series of interesting and good events in the long run. Now back to my whining.)


Why do I feel discouraged? I mean, I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago or even six months ago. But I'm seeing others doing so much better and passing me. I feel stuck and frustrated. It's hard to not compare yourself to other skaters when you see other skaters all of the time. You shouldn't because this is such an individual experience yet it's so easy to fall into that trap. Trust me, I'm in it right now.

When I work on things outside of practice such as wall-sits or push-ups, I can feel and see a change in how my body is working. My biggest physical weakness, the thing that is holding me back, is my ankle stability. And I have been working to improve it. I work on balancing on one foot and then doing half-squats while on one foot, placing my other leg in other positions. I trace the alphabet with both feet. I do calf raises and walk on my toes. Despite all of this, it feels that *nothing* has improved. I do amazing toe stop runs and then when I try to transition out of them, one of my ankles gives out, causing me to fall. Even writing about it, I feel the urge to throw a temper tantrum. Is it the boot or is it my ankle? I don't know. I was fitted for a new boot and fell in love with the Vanilla Curve, which fit my narrow feet. My heel and ankle didn't move around when I tried them one and we checked. They were tight. The rest of the boot is still tight but around the ankle, they feel really loose. Are my socks too thin? Have my constant "ankle rolls" (for the lack of the correct term) caused my boots to loosen up? I don't know. And honestly, I kind of feel like giving up right now. It's like I've hit a wall or have plateaued. I don't feel like I'm improving, my job prevents me from making every practice and everyone that will ever be in the pink group will make it to the contact group before me.

See why I should stop thinking?

My thinking has given me a rotten attitude and I know it. This is why I'm not giving up and why I'll keep pushing myself. It is discouraging though and I hope the feeling passes soon because it's also very draining. I'm dreading practice tomorrow because even though it's awesome how hard we get pushed, I know I'll never be "in shape" because I'm always being pushed. The only plus is seeing everyone else in pain and struggling because even the most in shape person gets a beating in these work outs.

I want to get better. I'm just worried that I never will.

Challenge Week #1

One of the frustrating things about work is that I sometimes miss derby practice. I *love* my job but I wish it was a little less flexible of a schedule. I realize this sounds odd but I don't work a "normal" 9 to 5 job and often have hours spread all over the place. This works great for me on a lot of levels but not so great for derby.

I learned a couple of days after our first practice, which I missed, that there are now going to be weekly challenges to help us improve during the week. Awesome! Yet another thing to work on with the wonderful women with whom I skate.

Week #1 Challenge
Sets of 3 & 20 regular sit ups
Do everyday. Should take about 4 minutes.

Sets of 3 are
3 push ups on your toes then 3 on your knees and then 3 tricep push
ups on your stomach.
2 push ups on toes, 2 knee etc...
Then one of each.

Finish with 20 sit ups.


So how did I do? I'm sad to say not too well. I didn't find out about it until late on Tuesday and my day didn't really allow for it when I wasn't getting done with work until after 10 pm. I managed to do it Wednesday, with my fiance wanting to know all about it and even doing it with me. Thursday and Friday went by in a blur. I did manage to do it today. During a show. They were doing a door prize drawing and I knew I had about 10 minutes to kill so I did it in the light booth.


While I didn't get it in the other days, I'm not feeling too bad because of the other stuff I managed to fit in. There's a room being redone in my new home and I've been painting the walls. If you've never done a large amount of painting, especially on a roller on 8' walls, trust me, it works out the arms and the abs. My job is very physically demanding. This week I spent time pushing and steering concert units that weight two tons as well as flying in various theatrical elements. All of this also works the arms and abs and I certainly am feeling it.


There is something really big I learned this week though. In order to succeed at these challenges, I need to plan the time ahead of schedule. I am a queen of many things in my mind and one of those is a queen of procrastination. Everything can be done later. This is an aspect of my life that I'm fighting against because I'm really starting to see how there is never a "later" for things to get done. So I need to set aside a time everyday when I know that I can do the challenge and I need some sort of accountability system which is why I'm writing about it. By the end of this session, I hope to have fit in every challenge, even during my busiest weeks. It takes small steps though and the smallest is acknowledging that I need to do this to be successful. 

Clever Title Here

It's been quite the new year and I've had quite a few things floating in my head to write about, especially here. This is why I own a small notebook so that I can jot ideas down as they float into my head. Unfortunately, that's hard to do when I'm actively skating and apparently I often forget those ideas when I get back around said notebook. Hence the title to this post. I've had many clever and witty titles that would tie into exactly what I want to write about but they are simply gone for now. Instead, imagine one for me and bear with me as this goes a bit Ferret in its stream.

Small Changes Make for Awesome Results

Back in December, I found myself struggling with a couple of things. My constant enemy, transitions, seemed to be on the verge of being conquered only to find myself surprised by an old companion turning on me. Toe stop runs. Last spring, by the end of the session, I looked awesome at toe stop runs.

See? I look awesome at it!

But something happened. They were suddenly a struggle! I could do them, sort of but it was just awkward and I didn't feel confident in them. Maybe they weren't in the same place they were when this picture was taken as I had new boots now. There had to be something. I just didn't know what it was and I knew there was only one group of people who could help me. My trainers.

So I pestered them about what I might need to do in order to remedy this issue. Their advice? Get Gumball Toe Stops. They aren't expensive but they make a *HUGE* difference. I got a set for Christmas (I had a very specific Christmas list which my fiance loved as it meant he could just get me those things and know that I'd like them) and adore them.

The first time I took them out was during something called Derby Hour. Here in the Twin Cities, we're spoiled. There's the Metrodome, which apparently has sports in it (I've never been) but the awesome part is that during the winter, they open the concourse up to skaters and call it Rollerdome. With the growth of derby in the Cities, one of the workers there has managed to arrange for quad skaters (derby folk) to stay an hour later on Monday nights for a chance to work on drills. Skating there is great endurance building but it's awesome to have a huge place that will let us do drills.

The first Monday of the new year, I went to skate and stayed for Derby Hour. I know I didn't stay the whole time but I did a modified drill that I've learned from the men's league. It involves skating backwards, hearing an imaginary whistle in my head, stopping and then sprinting forward until I give myself another imaginary whistle. Then I stop and do the whole thing again. It's great to do with a partner because it helps you work on staying with your partner but for me, it was about the sprinting.

Normally I do 2 toe stop runs and then just move on my wheels. This is usually because I've just psyched myself out MAJORLY. At the end of the fall session, it was because I just couldn't feel my toe stops under me. It wasn't comfortable or right. Doing the above drill, I sprinted on my toe stops for at least 6 steps. And I didn't psych myself out and fall when I realized what I'd done either.

I'm still in awe over how one small, rather inexpensive piece of gear has caused so much change. This is the second upgrade I've made to my skates that has been at the $20 level or less. The other investment was getting a set of Magic Cushions. I've had to crank down on my trucks and I still have huge flexibility.

Growing Roots

Yet another thing happened to me in December. I got engaged. What does this have to do with my derby journey? Quite a lot actually. I'm engaged to a man who went out and bought roller skates (not cheap ones either) so that we could go skating together because he wants to support me. His daughters are now involved in roller derby.

But sometimes happy events can have a bit of darkness to them. I've had some friends not take the news well and while I know it's out of concern for me, it does make me sad and a bit anxious. One of my coaches was offering me congrats at our holiday party and wanted to know how things were going. I didn't go into detail but I did mention having some people not supportive and she asked me what I was going to do about it. I didn't know, which she really didn't believe. Before I was actually able to answer, she looked at me and told me that I had wonderful intuition but that I doubted myself more than I should. (There was probably more swearing and I'm paraphrasing but the idea is still there.) She told me to be confident with my decisions because I know what I need and who I am and what to do. This is where so many people have problems. They don't trust themselves and are full of doubt about their own ability. Not only was I getting advice on how to deal with friendships that felt strained and potentially dying, but I was getting advice about being a skater.

It felt as though I was growing roots into myself. By being rooted (yes, I know the word has many meanings), I am able to do things. I trust that a tree isn't going to fall over because it has massive roots digging into the soil. I need to do the same thing with myself. The reason I fall when I do transitions is because I'm afraid that I'll fall. I'd never realized that until after these words had been said to me. Yet, there I was, skating at the Rollerdome and I decided to do a transition at a slow speed. Before I even got halfway there, I felt the doubt and the fear, so I stopped. I knew I'd fall. Derby isn't about falling. Derby is a lot of things but it isn't about falling. Falling happens and often the falling is from pushing so hard at something your body can't do so that it will grow but the purpose isn't to fall. So I stopped myself from falling when I sensed doubt. That wasn't good soil to plant myself into (and I'd just plant myself on my backside if I did) and expect to succeed. After mentally pulling myself together, and using one of the many tricks I've got in my bag on how to do transitions, I tried again and succeed. I succeed because I believed. It took a while to get the fear and doubt back out of my head but I managed to do it.

Start to the Session

The spring session for my league has started up. This past Sunday actually but I wasn't able to make the first practice. I love my job dearly but sometimes it means I make sacrifices. I get paid to do something that I absolutely love. Unfortunately I had to work a concert instead of working.

This fall was my second session and I got to be at the first practice. Last spring I missed the first session and felt completely out of it. Who were the new people? Who were the old people? What were we suppose to do? What had I missed? In elementary school, I hated missing days of school because I was afraid that I'd miss something Important. Until recently, I was semi-convinced that I'd missed an Important Lesson on How to Be an Adult but over the last couple of years, I've decided that everyone missed that class. It's the same with derby. I can go skate and do push-ups on my own but it's not the same. Derby is very much a social sport and you build a kinship by doing all of these hard things together.

Last spring I was very apprehensive of getting close to other skaters. What if they thought I was too weird? (That would be a childhood issue rearing it's ugly head.) What if they thought I wasn't good enough? Even worse, what if they told me that I'd NEVER be good enough to do derby? So I kept to myself and the handful of skaters I already knew. In the few group things with the league skaters, I found myself more often hanging out with them than my fellows as I didn't feel as nervous around them. I was so stressed about being rejected and being the odd-skater-out, that I missed a lot of chances to connect but then I broke through a wall and started to have those connections.

This session, I'm not so worried about that. I've managed to have found myself and have gotten out of my own head. There were team mates who have seen me at the Rollerdome or elsewhere, checking to make sure I was coming back, especially after not being there the first practice. It's really great to feel connected and remembered by so many people. Even when I'm skating on my own, I think of them and it helps to give me strength.