When does it all get better?

I believe I have mentioned before, but I'm not the athletic sort. I never really have been. In elementary school, I hated gym because no matter how hard I tried, I wasn't good at it. Except somersaults and "egg rolls", everything else was a challenge. Decades later, I think I can say in good authority that I simply didn't understand how to get my body to do what it was suppose to do and I also didn't feel comfortable with my body or being in my body but that's neither here nor there. In middle school I disliked gym because it required me to be physical and I was awkward and not very coordinated. Also, the popular kids, who all hated me (most of the kids did for some reason still unknown to me) liked gym, so I shouldn't like it. When I got into high school, I declared that marching band was my sport and left it at that. In college, there was no gym requirement to fill so I mostly ignored being active. My work study kept me fairly active and friends got me to go rock climbing a few times. It was my senior year that I decided to take karate with a room mate, which I thoroughly enjoyed even as I struggled with other things. That summer I marched with a drum corps which is both an amazing experience and hell. I don't recall ever not hurting that summer. My shoulders were always tight and sore from holding up a baritone bugle. I don't think I managed a real push-up all summer and actually probably still owe some for mistakes I made but didn't have time to do push-ups when they occurred. We ran, a lot. We did breathing blocks which were pure hell. One of the drummers would keep time, usually fast, and we'd run in time while doing breathing exercises. In for four, hold for four, out in four. In for eight, hold for eight, out in eight. I *hated* running block as was usually the slowest but I loved doing drum corps.

So what does this have to do with derby you may ask? Quite a lot actually. Derby isn't quite as hellish as drum corps. During the summer, we were drum corps all the time. Twelve hour days (or more depending on several things) filled with music rehearsal and drill practice. Doing derby, we at least get to go home and have other distractions. Yet my mind has started to find other opportunities to work out.

Now, weeks later, I'm still hurting. I don't seem to not hurt these days. I even take breaks from my dry land work-outs but everything still hurts. Instead of bending at the waist to take off my shoes, I'm going into a squat and then taking off my shoes. The last practice I was able to make (work has kept me away for the last two), I hurt right at the beginning. I wasn't at all surprised knowing everything I had done during the week and how I've really started to become aware of my core but it was frustrating. Not because it hurt but because it felt as though I hadn't improved. In fact, it felt like I was doing worse because of how much everything hurt.

I then worked a very busy week and a half that left no time to go skating. Now that the weather has finally cleared up, I'll at least be able to go outside and skate but when you're dependent on going to a rink, it sucks to work in the evenings. I finally had a chance to go skating, with new inserts, and it all hurt. It seems as though all of this dry land and core work that I'm doing is just causing skating to become harder. I realize that part of this is probably due to being just stressed and exhausted from work and part of it is because my body is building muscles thanks to my pushing it so much but the question still remains. When will it stop hurting and when does it get better?

I try to be supportive of my fellow skaters but I'll be honest right now. I'm frustrated. I feel as though I've hit a plateau. I understand that when I do a single knee fall that I want to use the momentum to get up before I stop moving; that I should be thinking of getting up before I've even hit the ground but my body isn't responding. Every time we've run this drill and others, I feel as though I'm skating through molasses. No matter how quickly I think about what it is that I'm going to do, my body seems to have checked out, telling me that it's had enough of the hurting at that it just needs a break. Yet, and I know from this last fall, taking a break means losing all of the muscle that I've been building up. So where is the compromise?

I don't know. I'm hoping that if I keep working and continue to work on things on and off skates that I'll get better. But right now I'm frustrated. I've yet to go to a clinic hosted by either local league because right now I don't even want to think about trying out. I know a lot of the issue comes from not being at every practice but I work in a job that doesn't let me. That's life. If I really want derby to become the number one thing in my life, then I need to find a different field to work in but I *love* the field I work in so that's not likely to happen. My boss has been amazingly understanding with working on my schedule but there are just some events I can not miss. But it's frustrating to feel left behind as everyone else gets better. I know it's not about comparing myself to anyone but myself but in this society, I don't think that's actually possible. We're always competing. I want to get better and I'm trying and I know that everyone is supportive of me and encouraging but I also want to have my temper tantrum and throw things as I get stuck. Because really, I may appear to be a mature and bright woman but sometimes I get stuck and don't know how to get better. I'm hitting a wall and I know I'll eventually get through it, as I have before with skating and other things (including drum corps) but right now I'm frustrated. I feel left out and stuck in a place where I can't get better. And the "funny" thing? No one can fix either of these but myself. No matter how supportive the other girls are or how knowledgeable the trainers are, I'm the only one who can make myself continue to get up every time I fall.

So I keep getting back up, even if it takes a few moments longer than it would take everyone else, I'm still going. Some of the falls have been really hard (my undocumented-on-here-fall-drama) and took longer to catch my breath and to get my skates back under me but I keep getting back up because damn it, I will succeed. If I can march a season of drum corps on a completely new instrument, then I can do derby. If I can work everyday of a seven weekend run of a renaissance festival for 10 hours a day while in full wench garb, I can do derby. If I can work and succeed in a field dominated by men, many of whom feel the need to mock and look down on women, then I can do derby. If I can leave a relationship that is falling apart and prevent it from becoming abusive, I can do derby. And hopefully, as I'm doing derby, it will all get better.