Resent much?

I have a confession and a rather public apology to make.

A lot of the last 8 months have been filled with resentment. At first, it was very very constant. I resented all things with roller derby. It took me over a month to be able to wear my long, fun socks again, something I'd worn before I started doing derby and yet have become part of my derby life.

If not for the persistence of two very good friends, I probably wouldn't be on skates now. I don't resent them for continuing to push when the worst of it was over and I don't resent them for where I am now. I resent myself for picking the wrong path.

During the summer, there were some informal practices held for the Debu-Taunts. I went to one of the dry land practices, before my summer got busy with work. As they figured out when the session would officially start, I realized that it wouldn't work for me. I was already committed to working at the Renaissance festival and, due to my lovely cat eating and swallowing some string, I'd already been paid for my work for the season. For me, there was no way I could justify leaving early on Sundays to go do the Debu-Taunts. So I found something else.

That didn't work out.

So I stopped skating and I hid from derby. I was hurt and angry. Eventually I became resentful because I couldn't do it. The worst part was watching the women I'd started doing derby with going on with it. I went on an extreme and didn't have anything to do with it. On facebook, I hid people that I only knew through derby. I didn't go to any bouts and I simply wanted nothing to do with it. I hurt friends because I was so busy feeling hurt that I didn't see how my actions were affecting others. The worst part was that I was fully responsible for my decisions. No one forced me to find a different league or to not figure out some sort of other arrangement. I decided driving an absurd distance for practice once a week was a better option than anything else I had going for me. I wanted to be involved and be learning so badly, that I simply threw myself at any possibility. Never did I step back and wonder if this was really a good idea nor did I think any further than the moment.

Later, when things didn't work out, people pointed out how this might be for the best especially when winter brought the snows. This didn't really make me feel better because now I was even less than I had been. I'd been on an actual league and been a full member for a short period of time. After, I was no one and this hurt. I felt I'd been dumped by the guy I shouldn't have been dating in the first place. It hurt to realize that I was now never going to catch up.

A few weeks ago, it hit me that I'd been still holding onto this resentment, even though most of the sting was gone. It was so well hidden that I hadn't even realized it was still there. Tonight, after going on a small road trip to watch the local men's derby team compete, I realized that it was still there. One of the members of that former league was there. I didn't interact with her and I imagine she doesn't even remember me but it stirred up all those old feelings. It didn't help that I was the "new" kid in the group. I don't have any stories from the first session because I wasn't in it.

The worst part isn't even the loss of those stories. That I could be fine with. What hurts the most is that I pushed people away who had been close and now, that gap may never really be repaired because, for me, there's still this little voice reminding me, whenever they talk about what their section is working on, that I screwed up. I picked the wrong path and now will never catch up because I've fallen too far behind.

I remember being so excited a year ago about eventually clicking with someone and having a derby wife and getting into all the different leagues. My rejection last fall really hurt and I don't think I'm fully healed from it yet. I'm skating because I enjoy it and I want to, not to prove them wrong, but I don't know if I want to be a "real" derby girl anymore. Right now I'd be happy to stay in the "kiddie pool" for a long time because I'm afraid that even when I get to the higher groups that I'll still be alone from the isolation of my resentment.

So to those that I pushed away with my anger and hurt, I'm sorry. I've missed a lot being stuck in my own head. I can't fix that but I want to change the future. I'm trying to figure out how but first I need to remove this sliver of resentment from my heart.