Derby Wife

I recently read the book, Going in Circles. I bought it (or it was bought for me; can't really remember anymore) shortly after it came out. One of my many bad habits is buying books and then not reading them for ages. I really like owning books though. This one I put off for many reasons, one of which has been my struggle getting back into derby. It's almost funny how quickly I fell in and out of love with the sport. I'm starting to fall back in love so on my recent trip home, I packed the book to take with me. It was a good read especially while sick but one thing really struck me to the core. The main character ends up with a derby wife.

This isn't just someone who introduces her to roller derby and helps motivate her through it. This is someone who helps her keep perspective on life and helps her push herself. They become inseparable on and off the track. I've watched a good friend of mine with her derby wife from even before I understood what a derby wife was. They are there for each other with derby and real life, helping with various things and just being there.

I almost had that once and I screwed up.

I got involved with derby with a friend. She and I for a while became almost inseparable. We got gear together and thought about our derby futures together. We were there for each other though she probably pushed me more than I pushed her. Then our paths split and I had my falling out with derby. And I watched her go on with derby and get better and I got bitter. And it hurt. I didn't want to talk about derby because I felt like a failure. I didn't think I was good enough and I did seriously think about never strapping on skates again. I felt I'd let everyone down, including myself, and I was too upset and hurt to skate.

It was during this time that I lost my almost derby wife. It's really my own fault. The worst part is that I didn't realize it right away. I was so heartsick and then life threw some nasty curves at me. She was the one who got me back on skates and got me to sign up for the Debs. And I started to actually retreat into myself. It was during this time that I started to wake up and realize that I'd done her a huge wrong. I've tried to write about it before but there aren't enough words to explain or to apologize. We've even talked about that and I know she's forgiven. We've even spent time together and I've sat there racking my brain, trying to figure out how to tell her what exactly she means to me and how much it means to me that she's not given up on me because frankly I'd expect most people to not be that patient with me. It's almost as though I'm 13 again and I'm trying to tell my crush how much I like them but words fail me and I just am there, trying to make up for being a crappy friend for so long.

So now, weeks after I first started thinking about how I almost had a derby wife, all I can do is write about it here. I see other girls I skate with declaring to be each others derby wife and part of me gets jealous. I don't know if I'll ever have a derby wife now as I had someone who even now acts the way that I imagine a derby wife would and all I was was someone too self-involved to help out a good friend. She knows who she is and she may get angry that I'm writing this but I don't know how else to tell her. I'm terrified of being rejected by her and I'm terrified of hearing the faults I know I have to be said back to me. Every time I've started, the words won't even leave my lips and it feels as though my throat is closing up with the realization that I could screw things up even more. So I sit back and try to be there and hope that maybe one day, I'll have a derby wife as awesome as she already is.