Giving up or giving in?

Today, I made a decision. It's one that I've been thinking about for a while and it isn't one that comes easily.

I'm not doing Debs this year.

I'm not doing derby.

I don't know when or if I'll join again.

My life has become way too hectic. I ended up chatting with the new manager of the recreation league. I cried the entire time. In fact, I'm still crying, so I'm going to copy and paste the highlights of the conversation so that I don't have to completely relive it all over again and so that maybe it's coherent.

Me: I'm just...I don't know. In a funk. I've not had a chance to go skating since our last practice. I don't want to go skating. I sort of just want to hang out in a room with people who are doing their own thing and not talking. I'm worried that I'll be back down to pink because I've not worked on anything, that I'll never scrimmage because I can't make more than about half the practices. I wonder if I'm taking up someone's spot who would excel. I don't feel like I'm going to get better or if derby is really my thing. I like it when I'm there but I don't feel like I'm getting any better.

Her: The truth is, the only way you will get better is with consistent practice. That is true for everyone, not just you. If you can't commit to practicing once a week, I say defer from Debs and skate when you can on your own. You can find community in lots of places. You can still see people you love from Debs, you'll just have to be mindful about setting up times instead of counting on seeing them regularly on Sundays. You can find interesting, challenging workouts in lots of places, too. Plus, a workout once a week isn't going to help get you in shape or maintain fitness, so you have to decide what kind of time you can commit to that as well. What makes Debs click is a collective love of derby. If you don't have that, it's perfectly ok to bow out! It doesn't mean you have to stop skating - quite the opposite, because you can skate when and where it works with your schedule.

Me: I worry that I'd be quitting when I shouldn't. I worry my husband will be upset that he bought me new skates for my birthday last year and I've given up a year later.

Her: Don't look at it as giving up. You can always come back to derby if you want. At the very least, you have a lifetime sport which is super fucking fun. Go to a rink and just have fun skating. Those skates won't go to waste one little bit. Things are cyclical. Friendships, passions, interests. Same for everyone.

Me:

And the last year, I felt that even when I was at Debs, I wasn't connected with Debs. And I know a lot of that was my work schedule bollocking things up. And it's frustrating not being able to be there every week because I know I'm not getting better so I really feel like I don't have a spot I fit in because of that. Pink isn't right for me but neither is purple. And I've been debating this since about April. I already know that there will be 3 weeks straight in November that I can't make because of work. And that's a huge set back. But I enjoy the skating and the work outs. I love when I've had a chance to skate as a pack. I just also know that I don't live and breath derby. I enjoy it but it's not all that I think about or do. I feel like a jerk for staying but a jerk for leaving. 

Her: Oh, God, no one can or should do everything. My motto: pick a couple of things to do that you love and do them well.

 

Me: I know that in the past others have suggested I try Sats or that I should try to recapture my excitement because I'd regret it if I left.

 

Her: Instead, feel grateful that you found this uniquely rewarding sport and community that has left an indelible imprint on you.

 

Me: And part of me thinks I should just bugger on through this session since I've already got the insurance. But it's not something I've been excited about.

 

Her: No regrets.

 

Me: And I think I'd regret staying in right now.

 

Her: Well, there you go, then. This is supposed to be fun, dammit, not cause you additional stress.  

 

There are things missing that aren't as important. I've thought about staying so to not disappoint others but I don't want to be there. I'm loving parkour and everything else I'm doing. Skating has become a chore that I dread doing. It's not fun right now. I know that things aren't always fun when you work through them but I don't have a reason right now to go for myself. I have plenty of reasons to go for others but none for me. At the end of the day, that probably means I should step back for a while.

 

Am I going to miss it? I've already been missing it. My life just doesn't allow it. I can't even remember the last time I saw a bout. I know rules have changed but I don't know any of the details. I feel as lost as I did the first time I saw a bout.

 

Do I expect some of the people I've met through derby to forget about me? Yep. I've seen it happen to others and in some ways it has already started to happen to me. In a lot of ways, derby is a social/visual sport. If people don't see you, they tend to forget about you. Derby takes up so much time that if you aren't there devoting all your time with them, people in derby don't really have time for you.

 

Her words and advice reminded me of something I don't like to think about and that is that we have seasons in our lives. This is no longer my derby season. I need to respect that and live in it. I can always come back to derby.

 

There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace. What do people really get for all their hard work? I have thought about this in connection with the various kinds of work God has given people to do. God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to enjoy themselves as long as they can. Ecclesiastes 3:1-12

 

Or how I first learned these verses: