I'm not unapproachable, I'm just shy

Before the North Star Roller Girls clinics started, there were some meet and greets. I sadly wasn't able to make any of them for a variety of reasons. Unfortunately, one of the reasons was do to how shy I can be. Those who know me well are probably laughing at that statement but I am truly shy. Get me into a situation where I'm not in my comfort zone and don't know a lot of people and I get really shy. Not horribly anxious about it but I'll either get really, really, really, really chatty or I'll not say much. I've been taken as being too serious before because I didn't join in and joke but it wasn't being too serious. No, it was a cause of being too shy.

So now we're into clinics. The first two were cancelled on account of Mother Nature thinking it'd be fun to give us March weather in May. The first one to happen was on a day I had to work in the evening (downside to working in theatre is having to work events; it sometimes means passing on things I'd rather be doing.) So I finally make it to the second one, last Thursday. I had the day off, so I was able to relax and have a good day before heading over to the Oval. It was a good time and I knew a handful of the girls there but I didn't really talk to a lot of other people there. Not that there is a lot of time to be talking but I didn't.

This past Monday there was a clinic. I felt the familiar knot of fear in my gut that people wouldn't like me or that I'd look like a fool or that I wouldn't just fit in. There is a long history to this knot. The joys of middle school. It made me terrified to go to pretty much anywhere new as I feared everyone would outright hate me even without knowing me. Of course they *didn't* but it seems that this idea is still planted in my head. So Monday I got to the Oval feeling nervous which probably did lead to some of my less than stellar skating. My skating buddy (we started skating together back in February) wasn't going to be there and while I knew/recognized some of the girls, there was that fear that they wouldn't want anything to do with me. There was also the fear that I wouldn't be able to skate. The first month of skating was met with a weird mix of fear and exhilarated at the idea of putting on skates. Would I fall down? Would I be able to move forward? Would I get onto the floor without anyone killing me?

Today's clinic once again found me feeling nervous. I don't know what to talk about with people other than derby as that's the only thing we currently have in common. Does everyone want to keep talking about derby or would they rather talk about something else? Thankfully not only are most people interested in getting as much time in skating as possible. It also helped that not only was my skating buddy there but the people "responsible" for getting me hooked also came out to skate. Knowing even a handful of people and actually *knowing* them put me much more at ease.

I keep meaning to go out and spend time with some of the other recruits but with tryouts fast approaching (6 more clinics until tryouts!), everyone wants to be skating as much as possible. I should be skating more than I am but I just don't have the time right now. Add into the reality that skating at the rinks starts to add up after a while, and I'm just not able to do it. I want to do derby though. Maybe not skating this season but hopefully next season. This isn't even taking into consideration whether or not I'd fit into the league and have the skills they need.

I wonder how many of the other recruits feel the same way I do? Maybe they all do and they just have a better facade.