Looking the part

Back in middle school, I was made fun of and despised. I know I'm not the only person who experienced this but I'm probably one of the few who just started to not care. I didn't care what people thought about how I dressed because it didn't matter. They'd make fun of me and mock me regardless of what I wore or how I acted so I just did my own thing. This has continued on to adulthood. I've got a certain je ne sais quoi. I don't obsess over how I look. I don't do make-up and I frequently look like a closet has thrown up. For the most part, I don't care. I'm comfortable with who I am. Yet, now, doing derby, I've found that I care.

Earlier this week I was happened upon some old photos from last summer's clinics and tryouts and I feel ashamed and embarrassed of how I look. I don't blend in. I stand out but not in a good way. More in an awkward duckling sort of way, at least in my own mind that's how it looks.

I look...unique. I'm my own sort of person and I've had people tell me that they are envious that I'm okay not conforming to other people's standards. What they don't see is the battle going on in my head. Part of me would love to fit it. To have that sense of fashion which I seem to be missing. It's superficial but I almost feel like that if I was able to look like the other girls that I wouldn't feel like an outcast among them. I know I'm probably not the only one. Everyone feels a bit self-conscious and worried about fitting in but most people are able to hide it. I've been told that it doesn't show on me and that it's my own perception, which I know is the case.

Part of my issue is that some of my friends started doing the rec league in the first session and I didn't. So I feel like I'm not part of the click that formed during that first session, that I'm an outsider. Among the new girls, I feel like an outcast as well as I had to miss the first practice due to work. I'm extremely shy and fear being rejected so I don't put myself out there. I'm feeling myself up against a wall that I can't get through yet. I want to get better but I'm stuck.

Derby and I have this weird relationship. I want to do it but I'm terrified of doing it. My confidence hasn't recovered from last fall when I was told I was too old and not athletic enough to do derby. Those words are still there, whispering in my ears that I'm just not good enough. One can tune out the voices most of the time but it's going to take actually being able to do it to get rid of the voices. I know that my age isn't a limiting factor but I know that I'm not athletic. Or rather, that I've not been athletic in the past. I know the future can change but I know where I've been. My attention span is also split. I barely went to any bouts this season. In fact, I've gone to two. This has largely been due to work events that I had to work but also because I've been afraid. Afraid of getting sucked in again.

More than looking the part, which anyone can do, I want to feel the part. I want to be confident on my skates and be a part of the group. But I'm not ready to give my soul to it again. Not yet.