Fatigue

Je suis fatigué. I am tired. There have been a lot of things going on in my life besides derby and as a result, this blog has gotten sorely abandoned. It wasn't intentional but there are only so many things I can do in any given amount of time and I always seem to have less time. At least one person has gently reminded me that I need to start writing again especially because of all the awesome (and not so awesome) things that have happened to me this session.

Not so Awesome

At our second on skates practice (3rd overall practice), my skates failed. Epically. The boot completely fell apart from the sole, which I was expecting to happen but had been hoping to nurse it along one more week. It didn't happen. I didn't even make it through that practice. It was that epic. We were doing testing to see where we were all going to be placed. I got through one and half of the stations, which was frustrating. I was really looking forward to really pushing myself and seeing where I was and instead, I got an incomplete picture that day. Both work and the Renaissance festival have prevented me from going to a couple of practices. It's hard to justify not being at work for derby because I love my job and sometimes there are shows that only I can work. No really, there are some shows that I have to work regardless of my feelings for the show because I'm good at what I do and I'm the most capable to do it. We also have one group that performers that I always work and I love working with them. It's a local orchestra who are amazing to listen to and fantastic people. They only time I missed a show, I'd already put in over 40 hours for a different group and couldn't do an additional 6 hours that week. Due to some choices I've made in my life, there have been some interpersonal relationships that have gotten strained. Details aren't needed but it does make for one awkward feeling Ferret.  

Awesome Things Not on Skates

Last session, I was horribly timid. I didn't really interact with the other skaters because I was shy and afraid of being judged. Middle school is good at leaving emotional scars. After an awesome summer and getting some of my shit together, I've really come out of my shell this session. I've met up with some of the other women I skate with and have gotten to know them better. I feel that I'm better able to encourage them because I'm being less harsh on myself as well. Instead of feeling like I suck and I'm horrible and I'll never get it, I simply breathe and focus (but don't think) about what I'm working on. I'm hearing the things that the coaches and assistants are saying to me instead of getting caught up in a feedback loop of negativity. This has also helped me come out of my shell. One of the skaters was having a hard time with something (I think it was weaving though it may have been turning around...) and I gave them the advice that Wet Spot, our coach, had given me minutes before. After another pass on the skill, she skated over and told me that this was what she needed to hear to get it. Last session, I would have been afraid to speak up in case I offended someone. Sometimes you get too much advice or information and can overload (at least that happens to me).

With the Epic Boot Failure came the Awesome New Boot purchase. Roller Revolution had a pair of Vanilla Curves which I love and adore. I already have an awesome plate (Powerdyne Triton) so I only need the boot. The holes on the two plates didn't line up but a friend who works there was willing to drill new holes and attach my plate the harder (but longer lasting way). I am so in love with my skates. They fit and are much more stable than the old ones. I still skate the same way but the better gear has helped me to be able to do things instead of restricting me.

My mindset about myself has really changed. Last session, I wasn't an athlete who was trying to fall back in love with derby. This session, I'm an athlete (I called myself this and one of the coaches gave me a bit of teasing for ever claiming I wasn't an athlete) and a derby skater. I'm still learning the game but I am a roller girl. I lay it all out on the track and skate as hard as I can even when I don't feel like it. I've looked for other ways to condition me to be a better skater. I've cut way back on soda consumption, which has been a hard cycle to break. Instead of completely stopping, I'm simply cutting back. My diet has also become a lot leaner which actual food and less artificial junk. Even more awesome is the fact that I now wear size 14 jeans. Back in January, size 18 jeans were tight. I weighed myself the other morning and realized I was down to 200 pounds. Weight-loss without cup-loss is awesome.  

Awesome Things on Skates

This session has been all about pushing myself. I'm getting very close to being contact ready and I know what I need to work on. I can do 23 laps in 5 minutes (this is where I got the comment about having ever said I wasn't an athlete). The Women's Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA) requires a minimum of 25 laps in 5 minutes. I know I've got those last two laps as I did that without skating the diamond or doing as many crossovers as I can. The forwards to backwards transitions are slowly coming and I have to keep reminding myself to take things in baby steps. One day while doing cone weaving, Wet Spot had me run the drill slightly differently and then got very excited, telling me to skate like that forever. I'd describe it but I wasn't looking at myself. I just know how it feels. I still struggle with stopping but I'm getting a lot better. My endurance has definitely come a long ways from where it use to be.

All of these accomplishments are cool but there's something that's even cooler. I push myself. Hard.

Last practice, we were doing some endurance work (sprinting then stopping in different ways; skating and then turning around; sprinting then coasting and then squatting) after we'd already done some intense off skates work. I can skate for a long time. It's skating and then doing something else that hurts. I have problems with the tomahawk stop and fell a lot during that but I got up every time. During the squats, I actually collapsed a few times. My quads were shaking but I still got back up. It was hard. Blindingly hard. There were tears in my eyes as I struggled to get up but I got up every time. I could hear other skaters and the coaches giving me encouragement to keep going. As we split into our two groups, my group got a bit of a chewing out. Not just a bit. We as a group weren't trying hard enough and sitting out instead of trying even though it's scary. Hanna, another coach, was understandably angry but I was proud when she said that the only one who was really trying was me. I'm proud of how far I've gotten. My self-confidence is up a million percent from where I was back in January. To hear it and to be asked how my self-confidence was doing was great. It didn't matter that my muscles were shaking and everything hurt. I knew I was doing so much better. By the end of practice, I was in tears again and had a hard time staying up but the coaches were awesome and supportive. I learned a lot and realize how much in love I am with derby again.