Friendship

This weekend, Roller-Con is going on in Las Vegas. Tomorrow, a bunch of local derby folks are getting together for Broke-A-Con, the poor man's version. Due to my work schedule, I'm not going to be able to go, not even to simply watch. I think I'm okay with that actually. I've yet to attend one since I've gotten into derby. I've either been informed of it the day of when I've already made other plans or I was deathly ill.

One of the things that happens at both events is the derby wedding. Girls get "married" to their derby wife. I've written about derby wives before. Tonight, I ponder why I don't have one and if I really want one.

I'm not particularly close to anyone I skate with, which could be for several reasons. I don't tend to be very social. My work keeps me busy (a theme you may have noticed), especially on nights and weekends. I've also noticed that the older I've gotten, the harder it is for me to make friends.

When I was a senior in high school, applying for colleges, one college wanted an essay on something I thought I knew, how my thinking had changed and what I thought now, or something like that. I wrote about friendship. (It would be interesting to revisit that essay and see how much social media has wrapped the definition of friendship even more.) When I was younger, friendship was playing with someone because you liked each other. It seems like such a simple thing. Spending time with someone because you like them and you get along.

By the time I got to middle school, I knew that this wasn't the case. Often, people were your friend because you could give something to them. In middle school and high school, I was looked at as someone who was smart and helpful and who's mom made ridiculous desserts. I went from being an outcast to a "friend" rather quickly. Yet none of these "friends" would call me to hang out or invite me to anything.  I never really got out during those years. Sometimes people are friends because of circumstances. You're in the same class or you do the same activity. You start to talk about that thing and yet, this isn't someone that you could call on should you have a crisis and need help. Neither would they call you asking for help. These are really more acquaintances but "friend" is such a kinder word.

There is a third type of friend. I don't know how long it's been since I've had this type of friend, but it's been a while. This sort of friendship is often referred to as "bff" or "bestie". This type of friend is the closest friend, a true friend. They are extremely rare. This is the person that you can tell everything to and trust that they won't spread it around. You can call this person at 3am with a flat tire and you know that they'll get up and help you out. You share thoughts and complete each other's sentences, though not in the Pinky and the Brain manner.

I'm not so good at these types of friendships. Everyone has been burned and everyone has baggage. I've spent so many years assuming that everyone will hate me when they meet me (it's not paranoia; in middle school, people hated me because of a rumor that had started when I missed the all 6th grade camp due to debilitating cramps), that it's hard to sometimes wrap my head around the idea of people liking me. I know people do and I know that I can and do connect with people. It's just not usually as anything more than an acquaintance though.

I see friends who are derby wives who go out of their way for each other on the track and off it. They are there for the hard stuff that happens and share in the happy times. I see the friendship, the bond that they have and I admire it. I'd love to have something like that. I've seen other friends who have gone through derby wives as time flies. It seems to be more of a phase than an actual commitment to each other.

I wish I understood how the tight bonds occur and how to find that. Except that's the trick to it. You don't go looking for it. It shows up over time.

For the first time in over two years, I realize that my attitude has changed. I've spent time, almost desperately, trying to connect with people on a level that would cause them to want to be derby wives. Or even just close friends. That desire has changed. I still want that connection but I don't want to force it or have it forced on me. I want to connect with someone and decide together that we should spend more time and actually *spend* that time together. There's always talk about hanging out together outside of practice, and maybe everyone else does and I just didn't get the memo because I missed a practice or didn't go to an extra thing, but I rarely see it. I think that's going to be one of my goals for this session of Debs. I tried to do it at the end of last session but between work and getting married, I simply ran out of time. I wasn't fully committed to doing it. As with everything else in derby, parkour and life, I need to commit to it in order to succeed.